Original subtitles

- Knock-knock. - Oh, there he is.

- Right on time. - As always.

- Come on in. Sit down. Good to see you. - And you.

You look great. Have you been working out?

- I have cut out dairy. Made me too gassy. - It's working for you.

- Oh, thanks for noticing. - That's what I do.

- Shall we begin? - Lovely.

I am outraged. There are far too many children in this town

playing on the sidewalks.

How can Rev Thorne and I be expected to have a proper hopscotch tournament...

Well, we're not.

What can I do for you, Fred?

Well, I'm here for our monthly "I'm outraged" meeting.

Um, that's not possible because I'm here for my monthly "I'm outraged" meeting.

Okay, wait, there must be some logical explanation here, boys.

- Sorry. - That's probably my fault.

I've just been swamped with paperwork all week.

Oh, no, actually, it is me. I was looking at next week's schedule.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Eh.

- I'm so embarrassed. - Don't worry about it.

Happens to the best of us.

- Okey-dokey, see you next week. - I'll look forward to it.

- Okay. - Toodles.

- Ah. What a crazy day, huh? - Oh, tell me about it.

- Shall we begin? - Wonderful.

I am outraged. There is far too much hopscotch chalk on the sidewalks.

Salaam-alaikum, fellas.

Wa-alaikum-salaam, Brother Amaar.

Haven't seen much of you lately.

I've been busy, as you can imagine.

Doing what?

That's a good one, Brother Omar.

I've been building our new mosque, remember?

Oh, yeah. Is that still happening?

Of course, it is.

Forgive me, it's just that between Sarah's divorce, town's audit,

and Yousef's new shirt, it's hard to keep track of everything.

It's the biggest thing that's happened to our community.

- I can't believe you're not excited. - I am very excited about it.

I have been talking about it nonstop since the beginning.

- Thank you, Fatima. - It is the nicest shirt I've ever seen.

Oh.

Brother Baber, you, of all people, must be excited about the grand opening.

Are you kidding? It's the best thing that's happened to us.

There. See?

We are talking about the new Mega Mall in Odina, right?

No, we're talking about our new mosque!

Oh, right, of course. Oh, very excited.

Quite frankly, I can't believe that other people are not as excited.

It's a travesty. It's a sad, sad day.

Now, is this the same Mega Mall where Yousef buys his shirts?

Maybe.

- Amaar, that's crazy. - I know, right?

I'm always the last one to hear about Yousef's new shirts.

- Rayyan? - I'm kidding.

I actually kinda liked his old one better.

Okay, that's not funny.

The mosque opening is three short weeks away, and no one cares.

To be fair, you haven't done much publicity.

A publicity campaign to promote a new mosque?

- What kind of world do we live in? - The real one.

You don't have to do a publicity campaign.

But how about getting Nate to write a story about it?

Good idea. I collected historical data when I got the permits.

- Ooh, like what? - Well, they kept a record

of the first class pet, Hector the hamster.

- Mmm-hmm. And? - Well, he died.

- Of? - Of being a hamster.

They don't live very long.

Maybe you could just rent out some ad space on Yousef's new shirt.

It's a good one.

And that's when I decided to build our very own mosque in Mercy.

Good story.

- How come you're not taking notes? - Because it isn't a great story.

It's a culmination of my life's work.

Ooh, that's good.

You're just writing the word "culmination" now.

Great word. I'll use it in my jumble.

I can't believe it's this hard to get a story.

Mercy is small, but there's a lot going on.

Mayor's office is in shambles, Fred's ratings are tanking,

- my Rayyan poems... - About those...

Point is, it's competitive.

When the mosque's out of the church, it takes out the conflict.

No conflict, no story. Remember, if it bleeds, it leads.

The opening is in three weeks.

Then you have time to come up with an interesting story.

Well, in 1913, when it was first built,

- it was a Catholic church. - Big whoop!

In 1925, they converted it into a dance hall.

Okay. Anything interesting happened?

I don't know. I guess they danced.

- Still nothing. - When they converted it into a school,

- they found a dead body... - Dead body?

- But it was a body... - Whoa, say no more. This I can run with.

- No... - No. This is big, Amaar.

- Front page big - Front page?

Oh, yeah, I'd put it on the back page, but that's the Nate's lady section.

Gotta go. Deadlines.

That shirt is kicking!

- You kick. - Nate!

I can't believe you told Nate you found a dead body in the old schoolhouse.

Well, he was so excited, he just ran off before I could explain it to him.

I guess now we'll get some publicity.

That's lying by omission or continuing misrepresentation.

Whoa, counselor.

I've been reading your law books in the bath.

I can only read the back of the shampoo bottle so many times.

How did I get into this mess? I was just trying to call attention

to the opening of the mosque in three short weeks.

In three short weeks? Really? I had no idea.

Sorry, honey. Look, maybe I should just call Nate and clear things up.

Ah, let's wait and see. He might not write it.

But we need the article.

When everyone finds out

how important the new mosque is, they'll forget the hamster.

Hector, hon. Hector.

Good morning, Poppy.

Have you read the paper yet, Dr. Hamoudi?

No. Why? Is Nate trying to rhyme Rayyan with Mayan again?

Not bad, huh?

I was gonna go with "Count Mosqula" but it really doesn't apply to ghosts.

Who said anything about ghosts, Nate? It was a dead body.

Where do you think ghosts come from, Amaar? The stork?

You realize how people will react to a ghost in the mosque?

- There he is. - Nope.

But, uh, you're about to find out. I'm outta here.

- Baber, I can explain. - Please, don't.

You'll only ruin this wonderful news.

- Good news? - Of course.

We finally have our very first supernatural Muslim spirit.

All thanks to our new mosque, of which we're excited.

Guys, it may not be exactly what you think.

Believing in the unseen is a very important part of Islamic teachings.

I know that, Brother Omar.

And if it is an evil mosque spirit, then we have to get rid of it right away.

How would you know?

I just happen to be an expert in that area.

- How would we get rid of it? - Expert.

Have you heard the good news?

- Burt Reynolds finally wrote you back? - Even better.

Amaar's new mosque has something this place never had.

A supernatural Islamic spirit.

- A jinn. - Yes, I saw that.

How's that good news?

Well, me being an expert on all things jinn,

and actually all things period,

I have put myself in charge of making first contact.

It's awful news.

You know, you can be a real negative Nancy sometimes.

I'm sorry, but spirits terrify me, except for the holy one.

But the thought of going into a haunted building...

Have you had a bad experience with a spirit?

As a matter of fact, yes. The Exorcist,

Paranormal Activity, The Blair Witch Project.

I don't know who Blair is, nor have I heard of any projects.

You haven't seen those movies?

Do they star Burt Reynolds?

- No. - There is your answer.

How come you haven't seen these movies?

In case you never notice, I don't really like to do things.

Yes. Your people are more into terror than horror.

But I can't let a second go by where you haven't seen classic horror films.

- Oh, do I have to? - Yes!

- To the Batcave, Robin. - But where is this Batcave?

- And who the hell is Robin? - Slow down, Baberacci.

One pop culture hurdle at a time.

Mmm.

AMAAR: What's going on, everybody?

Nate, what happened?

I went to the mosque for some shots for my follow-up article,

"Haunted Mosque 2: Electric Boogaloo," when I was hit in the head.

Whatever it was, came out of nowhere and disappeared.

I know what it was.

It was that evil jinn inhabiting your mosque.

There is no evil jinn. Who said there was one?

Don't you read the paper?

Uh, let's turn Nate's misadventure into an adventure

by visiting the mosque to see there's nothing to worry about. Bring the kids!

I'll go see Rayyan to make sure I don't die in my sleep.

You better not. I don't want you missing

the grand opening of the mosque in three short weeks.

All right, everybody, let's go to the mosque!

- Everybody? - I will not be going to that mosque.

Me neither. Not now. Not ever.

- Yousef? - No.

Be with you in a minute.

No problem. Take your time.

Not in huge rush

Okay

I pretty much got the rest of my day free

Was maybe gonna do some laundry

- Hello. - Hi!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hello. - Hi.

Can I help you with something? That's what I do. I help people.

I, uh... I'm sure you do.

- You look helpful. - Thank you.

What, uh...

What happened to your... your head?

- Ooh. - Uh...

I got hit by a ghost.

- Might have been a bird. - Birds hit me all the time.

That's why I have many cats.

You're funny.

- I'm Poppy. - Nate.

- Nate from the paper? - Yeah.

I love your poems. They're beautiful.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, Nate. You okay?

Nate?

Baber?

Allah, please save me!

- Baber, are you okay? - No, I'm not. How can anyone be okay

with people barging into their office and scaring them sensible?

- "Senseless." - Most definitely is.

I thought you were gonna make contact with the jinn

to determine if it's good or evil. Although, I'm sure it's good.

- I have no memory of such thing. - You just said that a few hours ago.

Doesn't ring any bells.

You walked into Fatima's with Yousef and Omar,

you sat down, said you were an expert on jinns,

- and had two bowls of goat curry. - One and a half.

It was vegetarian and light on turmeric.

- So you do remember. - Vaguely.

Baber, I really need your help here.

Everyone thinks the mosque is inhabited by an evil spirit.

Why would they think that?

Because Nate went there and got hit by something.

I think it was a piece of drywall. But Omar is convinced it's an evil spirit.

Oh.

- You're not afraid, are you? - No, I laugh at such things!

I knew I could count on you.

Yeah. I think I'm in love with Poppy.

But you just met the girl.

- How could you be in love? - I can't stop smiling.

I got butterflies in my stomach. The voices in my head are quiet.

Well, then, ask her out on a date.

I can't just go over there and ask her out.

- Why not? - This may surprise you,

but I'm not that good with women.

Anyway, I have to find another reason to go back there.

- Pretend you are sick. - Okay, how about leprosy?

Keep thinking.

No. I need a real reason to go back there.

Fred! Fred! Fred!

Punch me in the face. I know that sounds...

Cup of coffee.

- Can we do this later? I'm starving! - I just want to make sure

Baber's got this jinn thing under control and then we'll eat.

Or you could just set the record straight.

You're right, I should come clean.

It's a classic, "do the ends justify the means" problem.

- Oh, no. - No, no! Keep away!

Keep away! This mosque is haunted by an evil jinn. Shoo!

No such thing as bad press, right?

That's good.

What's wrong with Baber?

Wow. You're gonna have to be monumentally more specific.

He's boycotting the mosque and threatening to tear it down.

If we could harness that little man's anger,

we could eliminate our dependence on foreign oil.

He's not angry. He's scared of ghosts.

But he wasn't scared yesterday. He was excited.

Oh.

- What'd you do? - Nothing.

I might have introduced him to the wonderful world

- of terrifying horror films. - You have to deprogram him, then.

He's convinced everyone the mosque is haunted.

No one's gonna come to the opening in three short weeks.

Stop saying that.

I will in three short weeks.

And no, I can't. I can't get near anything with ghosts

except for that Patrick Swayze movie. You know...

- There is no ghost. - Not according to Nate's article.

Nate assumed there was a ghost

cause I told him about the body in the school.

It's not an assumption, Amaar. Ghosts come from dead bodies.

It's science. Ask David Suzuki.

- The body isn't human. - Was it a demon?

- It was a demon, wasn't it? - No, it's a hamster.

- Good lord! A hamster-demon! - No, hamster-hamster.

- Oh. - Nate just jumped to conclusions

and I didn't intercept his jump

'cause I wanted people to be excited about the new mosque, which backfired.

Amaar, you sly hamster, you lie.

- How does that feel? - Not good.

Great. I always liked you.

Well, I didn't always like you, but now, I like you even more.

- Okay. Will you talk to Baber, please? - Yes! Consider it done.

Oh, I won't let the hamster out of the bag.

- Know what I mean? - Thank you.

You are welcome, my brother from a brown mother.

Okay. I'm gonna let that one go because you're helping me out.

Understood.

My goodness.

First you get hit by a ghost, then you run into a door.

And now, Fred, whoopsie, runs over your foot with his lawnmower.

Six times.

He thought I was a lawn.

You're here an awful lot.

Are you sure that there wasn't...

Something that you wanted to...

Ask me?

Poppy, can you come here, please?

Oh, well.

Until next time.

Be careful of those lawnmowers.

- Oh, I wish you'd have called me sooner. - Believe me, so do I.

- This is gonna take drastic action. - I agree.

I'm glad you agree. But the question is, do you have the stomach for it?

- Yes. - Good.

- What about Rayyan? - Rayyan? I don't understand.

I've got two words for you. PR stunt.

I don't think PR is a word.

Now you want to quibble about grammar, really?

Absolutely not. PR is definitely a word.

Now we're talking.

- So how's the boycott going? - Oh, great. Wonderful.

I don't think anyone's going to enter that evil haunted place.

- That's great news especially for you. - For everyone.

Baber, I fear those movies might've scared you.

Oh, nonsense!

And I think that's why you're boycotting Amaar's mosque.

- Listen to yourself with your crazy talk! - Those movies didn't scare you?

If by scared, you mean that they made me laugh so hard

that I cried myself to sleep,

I mean, how could moving pictures strike such terror into my heart?

Baber, I did some research on jinn, the spirit not the...

Technically, they're both spirits. But look.

Even the most evil of jinn can't harm you physically.

You go and tell that to that poor priest from The Exorcist

or those "camperers" from that Blair Witch show.

There's just one more movie you need to see.

Oh, no.

So let me get this straight.

You want me to spend the night at the mosque?

Yes. With me, of course.

And what's that gonna do?

You two spending the night together at the mosque

will help prove that there's nothing to fear.

At the very least, it will show that we're not scared.

Sometimes, it's all it takes to restore people's confidence.

- And why do I have to go? - The mosque is named after you.

It would be good to show a unified front, husband and wife against the world!

According to focus groups, people think that Amaar is the nice one

- and you're the tough cookie. - Exactly.

- Really? - Why don't you come too?

Oh, no. Strictly PR.

Remember, you are the one who told me to do the article.

When you should have sent him to me, your mother who works in PR!

So you're both blaming me?

- Yeah. - A little bit.

I'll get my sleeping bag.

After that, I quit the Green Berets, wouldn't go back. You kidding me?

Oh, no. Look at this.

So, did you ask her out yet?

Oh.

Listen, don't sweat it there, Harpo. We'll have you back in there in no time.

I'm gonna need the biggest, heaviest cast-iron skillet you can get.

Let's have a look-see here.

Ah, nice sagittal crest.

- Ah, I work out. - Ah, it shows.

So, what did you think?

- They are fearless, these Ghostbusters. - Yeah.

- Pretty amazing, huh? - Amazing? Does not even come close.

People didn't like the sequel,

but I thought it had a lot of artistic integrity.

There's a sequel? Oh, let's watch it now.

- Ah! We can't, there's work to do. - Oh, you mean the ghost in the mosque?

- I do. Yes. - Hmm. I'll get over there immediately.

That's the spirit! Pun intended.

- What are you gonna do? - I am going to march over there

and prove to everyone that there is nothing to fear.

Yes! What's the Ghostbusters' motto?

I will not be afraid of hardly any ghosts.

That's close enough.

All right there, Natesky. Just hold still, buddy.

- This isn't gonna hurt, is it? - No, no.

Not until you regain consciousness.

- Sweet. - Wait! Duck!

FATIMA: Not the shirt!

What have I done?

Okay, here are your marks. Good to go.

- I can't believe we're doing this. - Just play along.

SARAH: And action!

Sarah has been kind enough to let us use her camera,

which will be running through the night continuously.

- Yes. - I'm gonna switch to infrared,

it's better for ghost sightings.

- We don't want ghost sightings. - That's right. It might make them mad.

- Ghosts get mad? - Of course, they're people too.

No, they are not! There are no ghosts here.

Sometimes, they're like angry demons.

- What was that? - I'm not staying here to find out!

- Sarah! - Mom!

Great start.

You were gonna let Fred hit you in the head with a pan just to see me again?

- Pretty dumb. - And pretty sweet.

- Listen, Poopy. - Poppy.

- Poppy. What are you doing here, anyway? - Preventing a homicide.

Well, uh, now that you're here,

I guess it's a good time to...

To...

To...

Come on, Nate!

Oh, great, he's locking up. Get me a meat mallet.

Oh.

Would you like to go out for dinner with me sometime?

No.

I'd like to go for dinner right now.

Okay.

- You know, we could... - Oh, yeah, this is great.

- Okay. - I love the food here.

- You're not scared, are you? - No. Are you?

No.

Although, it is a little creepy in here.

That's just because it's unfinished,

and there are drop cloths everywhere that look like ghosts.

What was that?

Could be a million things.

An old building with old plumbing,

leaky floorboards...

Stop. That is not helping.

This is crazy. There are no ghosts here.

Things were just blown out of proportion,

and now our minds are playing tricks on us. Okay?

Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right.

What was that?

Did it just get really, really cold in here?

I'm sure it's just the old windows that are letting the draft in.

What was that?

There's a perfectly good explanation

why those footsteps sound exactly like footsteps.

Footsteps, they're getting closer.

Wait a second. Does that sound like...

Who are you gonna be telephoning?

- Come on, say it! - I absolutely will not.

Ghost-Babers!

Anybody see a ghost?

- Well, what do you think? - Worst horror movie ever.

I was speaking to Omar.

And you are completely sure that place isn't haunted?

Positive.

What are you still doing here? You have a brand new mosque to finish.

In three short weeks. Shall we?

And we have a sequel to watch.

- What sequel is this? - Ghostbusters II.

Sounds suspiciously un-Islamic.

Quit being such a Debbie Downer.

Yes.

I have learned my lesson. I'm never gonna lie by omission

by avoiding to tell the truth when asked to tell said truth. Hmm.

You know, I'm actually a little disappointed

that we didn't get to spend the night in the mosque.

Yeah, me too. A little.

We have the sleeping bags, we can go there tonight.

- Let's not and say we did. - But wouldn't that be lying?

Only to ourselves, Rayyan. Only to ourselves.

I just can't believe how much we have in common.

- It's like we're brother and sister. - I know. It's amazing.

- We have the same favorite movie. - Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties.

- We read the same books. - Sweet Valley High.

We both believe in a free market economy

where regulation and intervention by the State should be limited

to tax collection and enforcement of private ownership and contracts.

Yeah.

- We should go to the country this weekend. - Yes!

We'll have to take your car. Mine's in the shop.

- Oh, I don't have a car. - Oh.

Uh, well, you know what, I could borrow a car.

Oh, Fred! I have a huge favor to ask. Would you lend me...

Ah, to be young and in love, huh?

Ooh, sandwich!