Original subtitles

Sarah, drop everything and listen up.

Can do, boss.

Oh, Sarah, you know how it bugs me when your cuteness is all in your face.

Sorry, I'll try to rein in my joy.

Okay, this is a big day. Huge.

My college friend, Glenda Beckford, is in town.

Oh, the mayor from Darnley?

Yes, and the girl voted least likely

to outshine Ann Popowicz in any meaningful way.

- Is that a thing? - Well, I made it a thing.

She always tried to one up me. From her sad imitation of my style

to her desperate attempts to steal my boyfriends.

But... she's really a doll.

Maybe the kind of doll you want to stick pins into,

but a doll nonetheless, right?

Right. But, you know, keeps life exciting.

Just the way I like it.

Oh!

Book us a table for lunch at Mercy's finest hot spot.

Oh! Do you remember Jimmy Longa?

Oh, I loved him.

You took him to a football game. I took him to Paradise.

Oh, yeah, Paradise. Is that old club still open?

Remember, that was the first place I ever danced on a table.

Welcome to Fatima's.

I will be your waitress today.

My name is Fatima.

If you would like to compliment the chef, Fatima,

please tell the manager, Fatima.

I ran the whole way.

I guess you didn't see me chasing your car, Ann.

Anyway, looks like I made it in time for our lunch.

You must be Glenda.

I'm Sarah, Ann's PR person, but she's probably told you all about me.

- Sarah, what are you doing here? - Ooh, nice table.

I told her to give us the best.

Yes, the best table for two, in case you haven't noticed.

Ann, there's plenty of room for your friend to sit down.

No, there isn't.

- So tell me, Glenda... - Sarah.

You weren't invited.

This lunch is for mayors only.

Is there a problem, or will you be leaving quietly?

Oh!

Fatima, you've known me for 20 years.

I do not need you to escort me out.

It's okay, Fats. It's okay. I got this.

Sarah, hit the road.

How dare you?

Think of all I've done for you.

I've organized things. I file things. I promote things.

I spin things, shred things for sexy auditors.

What thanks do I get?

I gave you a gift card to that button store.

I am your PR consultant and you treat me like a hired servant.

I'm done.

- I'm done with this lunch. - Again, weren't invited.

I'm done with this job.

Argh!

AMAAR: We need to get the name of the mosque approved right away.

Hello?

- Amaar, are you here? - Yeah. Absolutely.

Okay, we'll talk later.

Salaam alaikum. Hi.

- Walaikum assalam. - Salaam alaikum, bye.

Sorry, I've got to go meet the lawyer about the new mosque.

Uh, there's a grilled cheese on the counter,

except it's a little burned.

Thank you.

Hey, Amaar, are you excited about tonight?

Uh, yeah, of course. It's gonna be awesome.

Yeah.

Aww.

Hi, honey. It's your mom. Sarah Hamoudi, I mean, Cunningham.

I'm still not used to that.

Anyway, the guys at the store told me I only have a certain amount of time,

and one take, so here goes. Happy Bir...

Oh, I'm sure she was gonna say "birthday" or "bird bath."

Excuse me?

You haven't seen a brilliant public relations consultant

around here anywhere, have you?

- No. - Wrong answer.

- It's you. - I figured that's where you're going.

I just, I didn't...

I don't want to hear another negative word out of you

because you are exactly the kind of gal I need working with me in Darnley.

Really, the big city? Well, it's a little city...

Bigger than Mercy anyway,

which has nothing to offer a star like you.

You've got chutzpah, spunk, cojones.

And it's all wasted working for a schlub like Ann.

Oh, Ann's not really a schlub. She just doesn't always appreciate...

- Schlub and I stand behind it. - Oh.

You have worked your fingers to the bone for that woman.

And she doesn't even get you a seat at the big girl's table?

- That's true. - Come on. Work for me, Sarah.

I see big things in your future.

I can offer you a permanent exclusive contract

as the public relations consultant at Darnley.

- Wow. - Think glitzy corner office.

Together we can be unstoppable.

Oh! Wow.

Mwah.

- Love you. Love you. - Wow.

- Love you. - Oh, my goodness.

All right.

Bye.

Hey, Barbra Streisand.

What's shaking?

My hands trying to lift these heavy boxes.

I find free weights are easier to lift. There's no sharp edges.

I'm not lifting these four cornered demons.

It's the annual rummage sale. I must go through all of the junk,

see what I can pawn off on congregates.

Right, right. Our little money making venture.

The money is for the upkeep of the building and the grounds.

Yeah. Wherever the money winds up.

In safe hands, of course, all above board.

It starts with crabby Christians and mopey Muslims

paying ridiculous prices for old junk to fill the void

in their sad, pathetic, little life.

- Allahu Akbar. - God is great, my friend.

This could be the last one of these rummage sales, no? With the new mosque?

Yeah, I suppose so.

- We had good years together, you and I. - Months but, yes, they felt like years.

Because you're jam packed with tutti-frutti goodness.

- Walaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

Where were you? I was worried.

Ugh. What a day. Contractors, builders, lawyers,

you know, I forgot how horrible they are.

Wow. You look amazing.

- Do you like it? - I love it.

Why are you dressed up?

- What? - Is it Mom's anniversary?

No, she's divorced.

Um... You got that new X-ray machine at the clinic?

No, why would I dress up for an X-ray machine?

It's the finale of Piranha vs Crocodile Week.

Piranha vs Croc Week? That's what you think tonight is?

- Top Homemaker? - Amaar, it's my birthday.

Oh, God, it's your birthday, of course. Happy birthday, honey.

Um...

- It's too late to make a reservation. - Yeah, it is.

So what now?

Uh...

Now I apologize, and I promise to make it up to you

tomorrow night, when we go to Shae Poupon,

- your favorite. - And tonight?

Tonight, I'm gonna give you one of my famous foot massages.

Oh, this is so nice, Glenda. I can't put my finger on it,

but there's something oddly familiar about it.

It's soothing, isn't it?

Well, what do you got for me, new girl?

Oh. Well, the way I see it,

um, Darnley is ripe for growth in a number of different areas.

Environmental leadership, education and small businesses.

How do you plan to attract new residents?

And can you promote the new outdoor mall and its new recycling program?

Yes, yes, it also has a new day... A daycare center.

- It's a hit on all three fronts. - Fantastic.

About those Teacup Poodles, hey?

That's a bit of a misnomer, isn't it?

- Excuse me? - I tried to fit my Poodle in my teacup,

it was a disaster.

Oh.

Um, can we just get back to my ideas?

Oh, I thought we were finished with those.

I thought we've moved on to my teacup, my poodle, me.

I'm sure your dog is adorable.

- Was adorable, actually. - Oh.

Um, well, can we take a look at my new office?

What a terrific idea.

There you go. Fit for a queen.

Well, it's certainly cozy.

Well, it's my firm belief that you can be more efficient in here,

away from the distractions of huge chunks of space.

- So this is permanent? - And exclusive, just like the job.

Poor, poor, stupid Ann to have ever let you go,

'cause I can see that you are going to take this city

right into the 21st century.

Well, we're already in the 21st century.

Oh, shut your gob and start swiveling that chair

right down to a bum-pleasing height.

What's that psychotic light? Make it stop, Sarah.

Bad time to talk about the holiday parade?

- Thought I'd do a little story on. - Okay, keep your voice down.

It's echoing inside my skull.

What...

- What the hell have you been up to? - I don't know.

- Whoa. - Nothing.

Have you seen Sarah?

What am I gonna do?

You see, Sarah used to run.

Well, she just made things better for me.

- Really? - Well, no, no, no, no.

She didn't run anything.

She just played a huge role in the leadership

of all things related to my job.

- She now works for my worst best friend. - Oh, interesting.

Fred, would you be so kind

as to point me in the direction of my purse.

It's right there, Mayor McDrinks-a-lot.

- What is this doing here? - Oh, yeah, Yusuf Islam CD.

- It's gonna give me $7. - $7? It was a gift from me.

- It cost me €30 plus shipping. - Thanks.

- I got it from an Italian deli. - Buy everywhere.

Look, there's no Cat Stevens songs on it, so it's got to go.

Oh, and I see her also selling the Nitty Dickie I made for you.

Yes, I am. It didn't go with anything.

What do you mean? It's beautiful, you monster.

Hold on. Wait. Is that the abacus I gave you

so you could count the times that Amaar stole your job?

Please, I do that with my fingers.

And Christianity for Dummies? I gave this for your birthday.

I already knew Christianity was for dummies.

Who needs to read a book about it?

Mark my words, I will sell every last piece of junk you ever gave me.

Actually, I can't mark your words. Want to know why?

'Cause I am going to sell the pen that you gave me.

Game on.

RAYYAN: So, as I was saying, this guy came into...

One second.

Hello. Yeah.

No, we spoke yesterday, but I still need the paperwork.

Okay, you can be reasonable with this.

Thank you. Bye-bye. Sorry.

So today... So...

Hang on, one second.

Hello.

No, no, but I still need the permit. There should be no confusion.

You got to get this fixed.

Well, this isn't how I envisioned my birthday dinner going.

Okay. Thank you.

- Yeah. - So...

- Ooh! - Amaar!

It's an email. Ah, okay.

Thank you. Oh.

Hang on. I think my wife went to the powder room.

- Yeah, probably the one at your house. - What?

Can I get this to go?

FRED: Up next, a scintillating story about Mercy's own mayor.

Stay tuned.

Fatima, turn it up, turn it up.

Fred's gonna do a piece on me.

I'm going to be on the radio, everyone.

I just find it ironic that I lose my PR rep and I'm getting more press.

It's time for a segment I call Brady's Dirt Dish.

Folks, here's the tale of a befuddled mayor.

Our very own Ann "Pork Barrel" Popowicz,

whose former PR consultant, Sarah, a freelancer, for the love of Pete,

was the true leader of the community.

Perpetually guiding her hungover and irresponsible boss

through a minefield of flubs, gaffes and ineptitude.

Turn it down, turn it down.

Excuse me, Glenda?

Um, it's 8:30, and we didn't get a chance to go over some of my other ideas.

So, I'm just gonna head home.

Oh, no, I need you to do something very important for me first.

Really? That's great.

I mean, it's a bit late now, so maybe we could start it tomorrow?

- Sort these. - Sort candy?

Well, by color, obviously.

Because they're already all the same size.

Oh, Good one, Glenda.

Imagine anyone doing that in the mayor's office.

I don't have to imagine it, 'cause that's what you're gonna do.

- And then you're going to transcribe. - What do you mean?

I've been taping you on the nanny cam.

Look at those tapes and then write down everything you see.

You've been taping me?

Isn't that a violation of my rights?

Right shmite. What are we, in prison?

Uh, yeah, kinda.

Look, Glenda, this is not working. We need to revisit my contract.

And I think you need to revisit your office.

Come on, let's get sorting.

Am I speaking softly? Am I whispering?

Can you hear me?

- Go! - I'm going. I'm sorry.

I think I need a lawyer.

Good morning,

- Salaam walaikum, Rayyan. - Walaikum assalam.

And I only say that because I'm obligated to reply as a Muslim.

Not sweet.

You didn't come to bed last night?

Well, uh, I didn't think I was welcome after you ditched me at the restaurant.

Well, can you blame me? That was pretty awful.

You know what's pretty awful, is me having to hitchhike

from Shae Poupon with two large takeout bags

in a truck full of death row pigs.

- It's a 20-minute drive. - Felt more like 20 hours with stinky pigs.

Look, I'm sorry, you're upset.

That's not an apology.

I don't have time for this. I'll talk when I get home from work.

No apology for me, I guess.

Can I interest you in a gently-used harmonica?

Pfft.

I could outsell you like a banana salesman on a monkey stampede.

- You smell like a monkey stampede. - Your face is a monkey stampede.

I'm going to beat you like Uncle Bunder beat art and a mule.

Never played Parcheesi before. Is it fun?

Fun doesn't have enough letters to describe how Parcheesi is.

It is a spectacular game.

I've played it many times with the Rev.

Someone who is of little or no importance to me.

$2 sounds like a good deal, so...

You know, actually, there's been a mistake.

There's a zero missing.

$200?

What kind of scam are you running here?

Thank you for browsing.

- How are you? - Fine.

- And you? - Fine.

- Never better. - Good.

Great. How's the new job?

- Oh, it's fantastic. - Wonderful.

I should head back there right now.

Oh, that's good because I've hired someone else.

- What? - Yes, he's wonderful.

Best PR consultant I've ever had.

Well, Glenda is awesome.

- Best boss ever. - Fantastic.

Um, I should head back to Darnley right now

because I have to watch some very important footage of myself.

- Toodles. - Ta-ta.

- So... - Go away.

Maybe I ought to do a piece on Sarah.

Still a part deux on our deadbeat Mayor, huh? Ahem.

Anyhoo, my listeners want to know about the real you.

Is it true your third husband was a pygmy?

- Checkers. - Yeah, it's a great game.

Yeah, some people think it's the layman's chess.

But anyhoo, this is the game of champions, you know?

12 drafts to capture, 12 to play

and faceoff against your brown opponent in a battle of the wits.

My, uh... My four-year-old will love it.

Uh, excuse me? Checkers is a sport for men.

- Uh, it's a game for kids. - No. It's not for sale.

What? It's not for kids.

Could you keep it down in there?

I'm trying to write my memoirs, The Darnley Diaries.

I'm sorry.

Don't get mucus on my files, here.

Good Lord, your entire face is leaking!

- What is it? - It's Ann.

- Ann? - She replaced me.

That was fast.

She says he's the best PR guy she's ever had.

Is that so?

I mean, he's the PR only guy she's ever had 'cause I'm a woman.

But I don't think that's what she was thinking...

There's somebody better than you?

That's not possible.

Thank you, Glenda. I really needed to talk about this.

Oh, let it all out, sweetie,

and then pack up your stuff.

You're fired.

- Salaam walaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

- Oh, what a day. - Oh, rough?

Yeah, I was in a bad mood, and that kind of affected everything.

But it's out of my system now, so I'm ready to talk to you rationally.

- Yeah, I was upset, but I'm okay too now. - Why were you upset? Guilt?

Uh, no. Actually, I was disappointed I didn't get an apology from you.

- What? - But I'm glad we're past that now.

What were you expecting an apology for?

Well, you did leave me at the restaurant.

- Because you were on the phone. - For work. Work, being productive.

I am starting a new mosque.

So that gives you an excuse to be rude to me?

I may have been rude, but you out-ruded me.

It wouldn't have happened if you'd got off the phone on my birthday.

Technically, it wasn't your birthday.

And technically, you forgot my birthday.

I really should have known that.

So many good times with these games.

Yes, it's only fitting that we play another round of each of them.

Yes, it would be a shame to not say farewell to them properly.

- Exactly. - Hmm.

It's too bad we didn't sell more at the rummage sale.

Probably because you undersold the used trophies.

Me? Yeah, that's rich coming from a guy who couldn't even move the squirt bees.

I would like to see you go and sell a freaky, fuzzy toy

that squirts real tears.

Yeah. Saddest toy in the world.

Hmm.

That was fast.

Will you please let me explain why I was working through our dinner?

Uh...

So, I was texting and calling our primary mosque donors

and their lawyers, who'd called my lawyers,

who'd called me, who wanted me to call the donors...

Oh, I get it. You were talking to a bunch of people who aren't me.

Because I wanted to name the mosque Masjid-e-Rayyan,

after my beautiful wife and Rayyan the gates of heaven, of course,

but mostly after my beautiful wife.

Well, that's pretty sweet.

But, uh, the donors insisted we use their names.

So what's the name gonna be?

Well, our donors names are... Ahem, Moosa and Annas,

Moosa Annas Mosque?

- You know how people will pronounce that? - Yes, I do.

- Say it out loud. - No.

- I already did. Let me assure... - Moose-Anus-Mosque.

Sounds Canadian.

You need to call, text, email, do whatever you gotta do,

'cause that's gotta change.

Moose-Anus Mosque. Really?

What does my ex-bestie, poopy-pants want now?

Listen, dummy.

Glenda always wants what I have,

especially if it's truly amazing.

I couldn't invite you to lunch with Glenda.

She'd see how brilliant you are.

Oh, Ann, really?

And when she stole you from me, I couldn't say I wanted you back.

Just dig her acrylic nails in deeper.

So this whole time you were pushing me away just to keep me close?

Yes, except I wouldn't make it sound so cheesy.

And then you hired that PR guy to tempt Glenda?

- The old hag took the bait. - Aren't you the same age?

Shut up. I'm trying to appreciate you.

Wow, Ann. That's a really convoluted plan.

- How did you come up with that one? - Vodka.

Ah. So who is this PR guy you found?

You good, Yousef?

- Yes, good. - Good.

No, not eating. Sorting, sorting.

Don't. Throw it away. Toss... Toss it away.

Sorting.