Original subtitles

I can't believe you're gonna build the mosque.

I know. It's surreal.

So what's your first step gonna be?

I got caught up in the excitement, I didn't think how we're gonna do it.

Okay. Well, you're gonna need a location and permit.

- Why don't you talk to Ann? - Oh, that's a good idea.

I will, uh, explain to her how the idea came about.

Through an unlikely friendship with a chicken,

I was given a sign that told me I should build a mosque.

Maybe, leave out the part about the chicken,

'cause it's a little weird.

You know, I'm gonna go see Ann now

and see if she's got a few minutes to spare.

So you're probably wondering why I'm here.

I'm wondering what's taking you so long to get to the point of why you're here.

I want to build a mosque in Mercy.

Uh-huh.

Technically, I know we have a mosque in the church already,

but that was supposed to be temporary anyway.

Yeah.

- You seem a little... distracted. - I'm sorry, Amaar.

I'm trying to schedule an important meeting with Charles.

Oh, oh. Well, I could come back...

No, no. You're here interrupting me now. Let's just get this over with.

Okay. I was wondering if...

You know, the thing is, Charles and I are both so busy,

we just can't line up our schedules.

I can't even get in touch with him. I've emailed, texted, phoned.

The only thing left is Facebook or kidnapping.

Oh! Facebook!

Hello, Facebook Charles. I'm poking you.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

Poke, poke, poke.

You can only poke someone once until they poke back.

Okay, really quick question.

What do I do to build a mosque in Mercy?

You know, what you need is to start off with a press conference.

Invite the media, invite the town. You know what?

There's a town meeting later tonight. You can piggyback it.

I'll even waive the permit fees.

- Uh, what permit fees? - Bribes.

Charles?

Then what good are ya?

- RAYYAN: Hello. - Hi.

Mom, is that bacon?

That's bacon. What are you doing?

I'm not eating it. Well, not yet, anyway.

Do you know I haven't had bacon for over 30 years?

Because it goes against our beliefs.

Well, I'm just not sure what our beliefs are anymore.

Mom, what do you mean? You're a Muslim.

What if I'm just a Muslim because I was married to a Muslim?

Well, um, how long have you been feeling this way?

I've been on a date. I've had wine

and something else Ann put in my drink.

And now I'm thinking about trying bacon.

- No, don't do it. - Hey!

That's turkey bacon.

Oh.

I'm not gonna jump in headfirst.

I got to dip my toes in a little.

- Hey. Hey. Hey. - Ow!

Fine. I guess I had that coming. Hmm.

AMAAR: It'll be our own mosque.

We'll have our own religion in our own building.

Oh, this does not seem very attainable.

You should set your sights a little smaller,

- like, a new shoe cubby for the mosque. - Yeah. I'm with Baber.

But to be fair, I don't care.

I thank you for your honesty, Rev. Baber, you have wanted this for years.

I don't think now is a good time.

- People will think we're up to no good. - Why?

People see the minarets, and think, "Uh-oh, Muslims."

Naturally.

Then they'll see Baber buying some lawn fertilizer, and blammo.

They'll think we'll blow something up.

Why would they think that? Why would you buy fertilizer?

Your lawn is full of weeds and crabgrass.

Well, that's why I would be buying fertilizer.

- My point is proven. - Point not proven.

No one's gonna think you're capable of blowing anything up.

Challenge accepted.

You'll see the authorities will be right at my door.

- Salaam alaikum, Sarah. - Hi, Amaar.

You want to talk to me?

Yeah, I, um, needed your help with a presentation tonight

at the town meeting for the new mosque.

Look, Amaar, I would love to help.

Great. I'll get you the plans now.

No, no, no, Amaar, I would love to help, but this is the kind of thing

that takes 125% of your energy and faith,

and I just can't commit to something I don't believe anymore.

Okay. Wow.

I knew you were having a crisis of faith, but I didn't realize it was that bad.

Why is it bad? Maybe it's good.

Maybe this is the best decision I've ever made.

Okay, Sarah. Well, I'm always here if you need to talk.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Well, with one Muslim down, let's hope the rest of them convert

before you build your mosque.

What a waste of perfectly good goat curry.

I could still eat that.

Hey, how do you want to pay for that today?

Um, with my credit card.

- Okay. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Would it be more suspicious if I use cash to pay for the fertilizer?

No.

Hnm. I disagree. I think cash would be much more suspicious.

And yes, to answer the question your face asking,

I am a Muslim.

Okay.

- Does that mean you get a discount? - I should get a discount.

You know, some people might find it peculiar that I am Muslim,

and buying so much fertilizer.

Okay, well, enjoy your fertilizer and being a Muslim.

I'll get your change.

Aren't you supposed to go to Amaar's Mosque kickoff press conference?

Yes, I am. It's a town meeting, and I am the Mayor.

And yet you're not moving.

I will. Just waiting for Charles to call.

I just want to hear his voice.

We've hardly talked at all this week.

Hey.

Stop ignoring me. I'm actually opening up.

I'm sorry. I'm just lost inside my head.

I don't think I'm a Muslim anymore.

Have you eaten any bacon yet?

Oh, I've toyed with the idea but I haven't followed through.

I just keep asking myself. Why am I Muslim?

I mean, is it because of Rayyan?

- Because it's... - Oh, my God. Okay, you win.

I'll go to Amaar's press conference. Just stop talking.

Mayor Popowicz's phone.

Oh, hello, Charles.

Oh, I must say that's very descriptive,

but this is Sarah, and I'm not that flexible.

I'll just... I'll let her know you called. Okay, bye.

- Is that my phone? Was it Charles? - Yes.

- It was Charles, wasn't it? - Yes. Yes.

Oh!

What? I was really looking forward to that call.

- Aren't you going to the press conference? - No, like, they're waiting for me.

Uh, how long do we have to wait for the Mayor?

Okay. I think we should just get this thing started.

Oh, remember, you are doing something amazing for the community,

and you're gonna be great.

Oh, oh, oh.

Don't bring up the chicken.

Good evening, residents of Mercy.

Tonight I stand before you, a man of faith,

a man with a vision, a man with a purpose,

a man who is going to build a mosque in Mercy.

It'll be our own mosque.

No different than the mosque that we have in the church.

If it's no different, then why do you need to build it?

Well, I had a vision. That's how it all started.

Well, not really a vision. More like a sign.

A sign that came to me through a friend.

Who? Me? Bet you it was me.

No, it wasn't you, Nate. It was, um...

- Ray-Hen - Rayyan?

No.

- Ray-Hen. - Ray-Hen?

Isn't that your chicken?

Yes, the sign that came to me

was through a Ray-Hen... The chicken.

If I could have everyone's attention, thanks.

Tonight we are...

Accepting donations,

and there's free food at the back.

I've got the perfect headline.

"Award wanting journalist gets bored at town hall meetings."

BOTH: Ooh!

- Sweet chocolatey balls. - Ooh, snickerdoodles.

I guess I destroyed the mosque before we even built it.

Most of the people here probably won't even remember this.

You know, that's, uh, sad that that's as reassuring as it is.

Amaar, sorry I'm late. What did I miss?

You're so pretty, Rayyan.

Aw.

You can't let this get you down.

- How would you suggest I feel? - Motivated?

Look, if we don't raise the money, we are not getting the mosque.

And if last night is any indication, we are not raising the money.

- Do you need a bottle? - A bottle?

Yeah, 'cause you're acting like a baby.

So last night tanked. Suck it up.

You wanted a sign, you were given one that told you to build a mosque.

You might have to do some of the heavy lifting yourself.

- I'm sorry, was that too harsh? - No, you're right.

You're absolutely right. I can do this.

Positive attitude makes all the difference.

What if the chicken wasn't assigned?

What if I missed the real sign while I was hanging out with a chicken?

You want another sign? Really? That's kind of greedy.

Ah-ha. Just the man I'm looking for.

Wow. Look, a spot just opened up the lawn dart game in the park.

Oh, that is great news is what I would say if I could go.

- But I can't. - What? We've been waiting for months.

You don't think I know that?

I'm the one that put us on that waiting list.

But I can't go. I've got to wait here for the police to come and arrest me.

Right, well, good luck with that, Baberella.

Oh, do you want to be on the business list if they allow me one?

No, I'll wait for you on the outside.

Okay.

Yeah.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, sweetie.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, uh-oh.

Cooking turkey bacon again. The gateway meat.

Well, some would call it the gateway to heaven.

Not Muslims, of course. Just people who like bacon.

Are you okay? You seem a little tense.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Okay. We could really use your help with the new mosque.

We were hoping that you'd change your mind.

It's just that I can't do something I don't believe in.

Well, you obviously haven't totally lost your faith.

You're eating turkey bacon.

Thing is... Spit it out, Spit it out.

- What? You have lots. - It's not turkey bacon.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's wine.

Kidding.

Stupid answering machine!

Where are you, Charles Thorne?

Guess who had bacon this morning. Real bacon.

- I did. - No, I did.

I undid that last step away from my old life.

Sarah, I love you,

but your religious crisis is getting in the way of my real crisis.

- I guess you don't want to have my BLT. - Hell, yeah.

Less dork, more pork.

This one looks more like a prison than a mosque.

There's that one.

Is that a pentagram on the wall?

Mmm, kinda depends what you mean by pentagram.

I think he means this five-sided, witchy-shaped thing here.

Oh, yeah, it is a pentagram.

I think we'll take a pass.

Okay, this building's on fire.

I'm 25% sure that fire's been put out.

Next.

Oh.

What about this one?

- This one looks kinda perfect. - Yeah, it does.

Um, can we see it? Can we see it now?

I'm just gonna get another one.

- Please. - Eat, eat.

Maybe we should wait outside.

What if the police come by and I'm not there to be arrested?

Face it, Babs, they're not coming. Let's play lawn darts.

It's so unfair. Why won't they arrest me?

They're just not that onto you.

And what's worse, I spent money on that bomb-making stuff.

I hardly call fertilizer bomb-making equipment.

No, no, no. The fertilizer's outside.

I put the bomb-making stuff in the community room closet for authenticity.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait. What? What other bomb-making stuff?

Uh, random electronics, gasoline, nails, combustible hairspray.

And it's in the community room?

- Yes, in the closet. - In the closet?

No, Baber. No, no, no, no.

You realize if someone catches wind of this, you'd be in trouble?

Ah, I can take it. I'm tough. I'd survive Gitmo.

- Tough? You're afraid of the moon. - Hmm.

I don't like the way it looks at me.

And you do know that Gitmo's not taking new prisoners, right?

You'd wind up somewhere much worse, like the moon.

Okay, I'll be good.

Okay, let's go. Get that stuff in your bag and you can return it to the store.

MAN: This place is a real steal, guys.

But like I said, I shouldn't be showing it to you.

The place is set for demolition.

Are you telling me this used to be an old schoolhouse?

Who would want to demolish this? It's amazing.

I mean, of course, it needs a lot of work, but well...

I think I'm having goosebumps.

The minbar can go right there.

My office can be in that room with the family of angry raccoons.

Yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why is there a team with a wrecking ball out front?

Like I said, the place is scheduled for demolition.

- Today? - Yeah, in 15 minutes or so.

But don't worry, guys. I can find you a place exactly like this.

- Probably. - Can't we stop them?

No, only the mayor can stop a demolition now.

- How do you even know that? - She likes to brag.

- You guys really want this place? - More than anything.

Okay, you go find Ann and I'll stay here and make sure they don't tear it down.

Brilliant.

I also do life insurance, taxes and hot tubs.

Here, it's the email.

- Brother Amaar? - Baber.

- I need to get to City Hall, fast. - Let's do it.

Thank you.

Go!

- Freddy. - Hey.

Hey, Baber, you can't park here.

We have no time. We're here on official business.

- Amaar, let's... - You can't...

Oh, hey! Whoa, whoa! Buddy, buddy. Hold on, hold on.

Look at this, huh? A nine/11 in progress.

Right there, my friend. Caught him red-handed.

That's a code blue.

It's not a nine/11, Fred. Calm down.

You can refresh your computer as often as you like,

but an email from Charles isn't gonna magically appear.

Oh, Charles just emailed.

He'll call me in ten minutes.

Guys, we found the perfect spot for the mosque.

It's gonna get torn down. You have to stop it.

I don't know, Amaar. It seems like an awful lot of work.

It's the old school house in town.

Yeah, it's probably rubble by now.

Rayyan's keeping it safe. You have to save it.

BABER: Amaar?

We are in big trouble, which actually proves my point.

But that's not the issue right now.

- What are you talking about? - Mayor, Baber, Amaar.

You two are responsible for that van outside, right?

Uh, yeah, I guess so. Why?

Cuff me, I won't resist. Just don't tase me, bro.

Why would I cuff you for parking in a handicap spot?

Illegal parking?

Oh, good, because I thought you were here

because of the bomb in the back of the van.

Wha...

- Well, now you're under arrest. - You can't arrest him.

- I'm afraid the law says otherwise. - Oh, come on, Paul.

This is probably just a somewhat hilarious misunderstanding.

- Yes. - This isn't what's important.

It's important that we go to the old schoolhouse before it's late.

Well, I can't really tell you how you got that rash

if I don't have more information.

It was about two weeks ago and my old college buddy was in town.

Oh, okay, okay. I don't want to hear that.

All right. Guys, are we going to tear this place down?

Oh. No. Go back to the rash.

- You were saying, "Two weeks ago..." - Yeah, my old college buddy,

- I haven't seen him in a while. - No demolition today, boys.

This is the future site of the new Mercy Mosque.

Yes! You totally saved the day, Ann.

Mayors!

Oh, oh.

Hey, there, hot stuff.

Oh, hang on.

Rayyan, Amaar just got arrested for having a bomb.

Hah. Very funny.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

So where were we?

What am I wearing? Well, uh, nothing, naturally.

Charles? Hello?

Charles? Charles?

Battery!

No!

I can't believe you built a bomb.

I didn't build a bomb.

I merely collected a bunch of things that look like bomb-making things,

which is not a crime, just suspicious and very costly.

- Well, you proved your point. - I know, and it breaks my heart.

Then why'd you do it, Baber?

Because I'm happy with the way things are!

Okay. Baber, that's what this is about? Look, nothing's going to change.

- The mosque will always be there for you. - It doesn't matter.

By this time tomorrow, we'll be in solitary confinement together.

Okay, Baber's story checked out. You guys are free to go.

Um, technically, I'm supposed to say that.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Yeah.

You can tell them about the fertilizer.

Well, it turns out, Baber being the frugal shopper that he is,

bought the cheap stuff. So what you have couldn't even blow up a dollhouse.

Ah-ha.

Could not blow up a dollhouse, could I? Challenge accepted.

No, that's not what he meant.

Thanks for letting us go.

And for not waterboarding us or making us stare at the moon. Ooh!

Okay.

Okay. Let's go, guys. I'll buy you an ice cream sundae for your trouble.

Oh, no, sweetie, I'm fine.

Yes, absolutely, I'm fine. They dropped the charges.

Well, there really were no charges, so I'm a free man.

What? Oh, that's great. That's great news!

Amaar, Fred is talking about you on the radio

and his face sounds redder than ever.

I gotta go, honey. Bye.

Well, folks, here's news of yet another Muslim terror plot,

right here in Mercy.

This one starts with Amaar Rashid

and goes all the way down to Baber-sneaky-Siddiqui.

It's about time somebody blew the lid off of this thing.

Well, call me the can opener because I finally cracked the Da Vinci Code

on what those wacky rug riders have been up to.

Turns out they were trying to blow up City Hall.

Fortunately, yours truly was there to scotch the deal.

Now, I call myself a hero.

Well, some would, of course, but I'm...

Well, at least we found a new place for the mosque,

and Rayyan just told me it's not getting demolished.

That is a big surprise, Amaar. Because I was kind of hoping that, um...

I mean, um, congratulations.

I didn't think you'd pull it off. Hurrah.

Well, technically, I haven't. Not yet, anyway.

We still need to raise some money for the mosque.

Amaar, I know it seems like I've been pushing you away.

But Muslim or not, you are my son now,

and I am behind you 150%.

Thanks, Sarah. And, you know, I'm always here for you.

No matter what the crisis, faith or not.

Well, I wanted you to know that I finally sold Yasir's business.

Congratulations.

And I want to put all the money towards the new mosque.

Wow. I don't know what to say.

- Thank you works. - Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- Mom really did that? - Oh, she did.

Wow! I did not see that coming.

- What about you? Are you okay? - Oh, I couldn't be better.

Even with the town not backing the mosque,

- like you thought they would? - I'll bring them around.

And you getting arrested for that non-bomb thing,

plus, Fred Tupper trashing you on the radio.

I couldn't believe that.

Look, remember when I came to Mercy five years ago?

Those exact same things happened to me. And look how that turned out.

Turned out pretty well.

I think we're right on course.

Hmm.

What's going on?

Charles called, my cell battery died.

- Oh. - I'm waiting for him to call back.

- Have you been waiting here all weekend? - Yes.

Oh, Ann!

Why does he have to live in Ottawa?

Why does he have to be engaged to somebody else?

Why is he such a stupid jerk?

Why is the phone unplugged?

Oh, man!

Hello. Oh, hello, Charles.

No, I'm just sitting here... naked.

Eating a banana.

Well, you know how I crave potassium.

Mmm-hmm.