Original subtitles

Oh, Judas, you naughty boy.

Baber, talk to me.

- What's up? - I'm restless.

I keep trying to get a rise out of people, but no one's biting.

What? Well, you know what?

I got a couple of minutes now, let's have an argument.

Okay, about what?

Well, I think your hat looks a little stupid.

But you helped me pick out this topi.

- You said it made my cheekbones pop. - And it does.

Look, I'm just trying to help, okay?

- I know, I don't recycle. - Who does?

Hippies and Hindus, that's who.

How about a paper fight?

- Not sure I'm in the mood. - Well?

- Not in the mood. - How about now?

I appreciate what you're trying to do...

- One more. How about now? - Nope.

Look, it's just no use.

Come on, cheer up. You're just in a bit of a funk.

Try Amaar. It's easy to get a rise out of him.

- I hope so. - Yeah.

Sure, fun.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

- What's with the chicken? Whoa! - It's a belated wedding gift.

I named her Ray Hen.

Ray Hen? Isn't that's a little offensive?

It is totally offensive.

Uh...

Baber, are you trying to get my goat?

A goat would have upset you more?

Baber, you're better than this.

AMAAR: Why are you giving us a chicken?

It's part of an old village wedding tradition.

- It will make your wife respect you. - Respect me?

Just because I pick up Rayyan's dry cleaning and do most...

...All of the house work, doesn't mean she doesn't respect me.

I didn't know about any of those things.

You just decided Rayyan doesn't respect me?

Yes, but that's not the point.

What am I going to do with this chicken?

Snap its neck and slit its throat.

- You want me to kill the chicken? - Yes.

In the bedroom, in front of Rayyan. It'll help set the mood.

Does that make you furious?

Okay, you know what?

It's the thought that counts.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

This town has so much debt, I need another calculator.

Too bad we can only afford that one.

Keep it down, I'm finding out what kind of lover I am.

When you meet the opposite sex, the first thing you notice is,

- A, their eyes. - We should be working.

B, their laugh. C, their salary.

These accounts are not going to audit themselves.

- Definitely salary. - Their salary.

Oh, hello.

D, not engaged.

You know the one thing Mercy is good at?

- Mayors. - PR.

- Not making money. - Well, no surprise there.

Biggest attraction is a church that harbors terrorists.

- Ann! - Fair enough.

Nothing's been proven... yet.

Have you thought of adding something to Mercy

to make it more of a tourist destination?

We should make the church a destination church.

What's that?

One of those gaudy, obnoxious spectacle churches.

- The kind of crap people go crazy for. - I love it. A big, cheesy show.

Then it's decided.

Mercy Anglican is becoming a destination church.

Isn't that up to Reverend Thorne?

If I know my brother, there's no way he won't do it.

- There's no way I'm doing it. - What?

- Why? - It can't be done.

I've looked at it thoroughly.

In this community, on a limited budget, it can't be done.

- I think we can make this work. - Ann, I've crunched the numbers.

Well, Baber did it. He thought he was doing my taxes.

Point is the numbers have been crunched.

We can't do a big show.

- Come on, Billy. - No! And stop calling me Billy.

Come on. We can hang out.

No. And that's another reason why I'm not doing this... Chuck.

The whole Chuck thing doesn't bother me.

ANN: Okay, sidebar.

Can we do this without him?

Just drop all the religious garbage.

Drop all the religious...

My God. That is so crazy, it just might work.

And you know who should do it? You?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I haven't been on stage in years, but yes.

Yeah, I will do it.

I will make it the best show this town has ever seen.

You're an accountant. What do you know about performing?

Come on.

Sir, I will have you know that I once did a one man comedy show.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

- Thank you. - Okay.

All right, wait.

Okay. You you've twisted my arm.

God willing, I'll find a way to make this work.

- Great, and Charles can help you. - Yeah.

What would be better than Charles helping? Charles not helping.

Well, I'll tell you...

- Yeah, we're good. We're good. - I think so.

Something smells good in here.

Dinner will be ready in ten.

Hmm. Oh!

Amaar, are you aware of this, or should I call the exterminator?

This is Ray Hen. She's a belated wedding gift.

Ray Hen?

- Should I be offended? - Baber named her. So yeah, probably.

- This isn't dinner, is it? - No.

We're having stir fry. Vegetarian stir fry.

Okay, so what are we going to do with it?

Uh, I don't know. I guess I have to kill it.

Yeah.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I can't picture you killing anything.

I can kill a chicken.

Probably.

Just release it into the wild or something?

Maybe.

I'd really be happy if you released it from our house.

And Jonah told the sailors that he brought the storm upon them

by ignoring the Lord's will.

And he jumped overboard to spare their lives.

Jonah struggled to stay afloat as the storm raged on.

Wave after wave crashed down.

And Jonah...

- Seagull. - I thought we agreed on confetti.

- I wanted it to feel real. - I'll make it feel real, all right.

Really. It was the best part.

Take five.

Go get a sandwich.

Look, you can't judge a show by the first rehearsal.

Why Jonah and the Whale?

- Seems a little juvenile. - You're juvenile.

We're doing Jonah because it's about mercy.

You see what I did there? The mercy and Mercy.

That's too thinky.

It'll be lost on everyone but you two.

I totally agree.

Okay. Everybody, take a break.

Hey! You're engaged. Or have you forgotten?

It's just a little harmless flirting.

- Hey, dibs on that doughnut! - Dibs? What? Damn you!

- Hey, you may be the pope. - Reverend.

Whatever. But even I know you can't damn me.

Well, I looked it up.

AMAAR: Ray Hen!

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I don't like hurting animals or anything.

Ray Hen!

Ray Hen!

- God. That is the best doughnut I have... - ANN: Rev. We need to talk about the play.

That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

Come on. It wasn't that bad. Especially considering our limited budget.

It's true. I'm just doing this to help build a sense of community.

Shut up, Nate. How much money do you need?

Wait, you can't finance the show with the town's budget.

I'll give up my trip to Hawaii.

I should not be hearing this.

Okay. If I give you this money,

do you promised to make the show less boring?

- Yes. - Okay, great.

Pyrotechnics might work.

Musicals have a lot of traction these days.

As do vampires, just saying.

There are no vampires in the Bible.

- Okay. Thank you. - Yeah.

Ray Hen, if I don't find you, Rayyan is gonna... kill me. Ray Hen, if I don't find you, Rayyan is gonna... kill me.

I got you now! Oh...

You...

Well actually, that solves that.

THORNE: Baber, come here. Check this out.

What's all this?

This, my friend, is the Reverend Thorne Destination Church Spectacular.

Yeah, well, it's a working title. We open next week.

I especially like the design for these mermaid puppets.

Although they are showing far too much felt.

Yes, it's going to be a big, gaudy spectacle.

You know, just the kind of thing you hate.

This is the kind of thing I hate.

The kind of thing that I just might like to protest.

I thought you might say that.

You know what? I'll let you use my favorite placard.

Well, I hate to pray and run, but I...

Okay, this can't be good.

- What's going on? - Protesting.

Protesting what?

Rev. Thorne is putting on a big musical and we are against it.

Baber, just because it's a musical doesn't mean you can use that sign.

Oh. It's from the Wazpinski incident.

Look, Baber, I know you love to protest.

But that's the thing. I always enjoy trying to ruin other people's fun.

Why am I not enjoying trying to ruin Thorne's big show?

You don't have a fever.

Your wife tried to go to second base.

I think the Destination Church would be better off

without all the God and Church and Bibley stuff.

Wow. It's like you can read my mind.

So what am I thinking about now?

You dirty dog, you.

Okay, I'm here.

Apparently, I am the only one who cares about this audit,

which is weird because I'm a publicist.

Well, if you could read my mind,

the only thing I'm thinking about right now is sushi.

Well, the only sushi you're gonna get in Mercy is raw fish and chips.

That sounds dangerously delicious.

Give me some of that.

- Yeah! Yeah! - Okay, yeah.

That's great. It's okay. You know what? I'm not hungry, it's okay.

What's going on here?

They made me and said they'd run me out of town...

- Shut up, Nate. - Shut up, Nate.

Your show is so boring,

that I'd really rather be working on the audit.

I wish you meant that.

Since the town is paying for this, I thought I should have a say.

And since you don't seem to know what I want,

I decided I'd just do it myself.

You said you wanted a musical with vampires.

- You don't know what you want. - I want it to be entertaining.

- Do you want me to juggle crucifixes? - Well, that'll be a start.

But I really think your new co-star might shake things up a bit.

Hey, little brother.

I thought we should wear the same costumes.

Hello!

Now I know why you like wearing these things. They're so free.

- Are you going commando in my cassock. - Obviously.

Amaar, I thought you said you got rid of Ray Hen?

I did.

She must have just climbed back through the window.

You said you released her into the wild.

Our backyard hardly qualifies as the wild.

Well, it's wild for her.

And to be fair, I haven't mowed the lawn in a couple of days. So...

I'll take care of it.

Okay. So, Charles as Jonah,

even though I clearly look more like Jonah, but whatever,

gets swallowed up

and then the choir will sing Hungry Like the Whale.

Got it? Great. Let's see that.

And Jonah gets eaten.

Really, this is more like a baleen whale, so it would just eat krill.

Shut up, Nate. Jonah gets eaten.

And Jonah gets eaten.

Right, right. One second.

Come on. This is the dress rehearsal, for God's sake.

Okay. Sorry, I'm all yours.

What? Am I supposed to eat the whale?

No. The whale... Ugh.

You don't know Jonah and the Whale?

I know Hootie & the Blowfish.

Cut. Brilliant. Love it.

Okay. Crazy idea!

Start in the whale's belly and then flash back to the beginning.

Thanks, Yoko. That is a crazy idea.

I like it. And you know, technically isn't Ann the producer?

Well, Executive Producer/ Assistant Director/Creator.

Slash pain in the ass.

Don't go to Reverend Thorne's Destination Church Spectacular.

- I won't. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't be so quick to decide.

Rev. Thorne has been working very hard on his show.

Okay, I will.

No, don't. It's an abomination. Starts tonight at 6:00.

Well, it's not really an abomination.

It's a bit of an abomination, but that's not the point.

The point is, are you having fun?

No, I am against that destination church.

But I want it to succeed because I know it's important to you.

You don't have the protest it. You could just ignore it.

You know, sometimes it's like you don't even know.

Destination Church Spectacular, starting tonight at 6:00.

No, no, no. Don't go to it.

Okay, Go.

I buy ticket from you or him?

Him, him yeah. But don't, don't.

All right, everybody. Three hours till curtain.

Let's try this again, shall we?

- Here we go. - Hey, bro.

Ann thought the stakes would be higher

if it was Jesus that gets eaten by the whale.

She did?

Come and get it, Ray Hen. It's lunchtime.

We got some nice chicken-trapping birdseed for you.

Okay, you win. I'm tired of this game.

You know, Ray Hen. I need something more right now.

Something more than talking to poultry.

This any good?

Places. This is the last run through before the show.

Whenever you're ready.

Shut up, Nate.

Yes and curtain.

MAN: In the beginning, there was darkness.

Then there was light.

Hey, Jesus. You missed your cue.

Okay. Where are they?

- A script meeting in your office. - What? Really?

That's it.

I can't believe you two are having its meeting without me.

Oh, my God.

- What? - Well, the revisions are good.

And then I'll go check on Sarah.

That's yours.

Up top.

- You're engaged. - Don't be that guy.

Be whatever guy you want to be.

Kinda wish you were the guy who sanitized my desk.

Yeah. That's the new script by the way.

It's now a heart-wrenching story all about Cain and Abel.

What? No, Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dibs on Cain.

- I wrote it. - Yeah, but I called dibs.

Up top.

I wanna make a difference.

I just wanna change the world, but I don't know how.

What am I doing? Do you wanna watch some TV?

Where's the remote?

Thank you.

As I was saying, is it too much to ask for a sign or some guidance?

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

- Who were you talking to? - No, the chicken.

Sorry.

- I gotta go after the chicken. - Wait, wait. This is what we wanted.

We bonded.

They've gone too far.

There you are. Everyone's looking for you.

It's a full house.

How can it be a full house when Nate's advertising was so bad?

Baber may or may not be aware, he's built a word of mouth campaign.

This was bad when no one was gonna show up.

But now it's really bad. I can't do that show.

It'll be fine, break a leg. Now get in there.

I have cancelled my protest. I want to wish you good luck on the show.

- Baber. They've ruined my show. - As in?

They even added a bad guy whose name I can't mention.

- Allah? Muhammad? Peace be upon him. - No. Worse. Voldemort.

I will shut it down. I'll get my bullhorn?

Yes, go, go. Go get your bullhorn.

- Hey. You ready for this, brother? - No.

Why do we need the whale if we're doing Cain and Abel?

In my version Cain throws Abel's body into the ocean,

the whale eats it and Jesus brings him back.

You're not playing Jesus too, are you?

- Well... - It's showtime, boys.

Phew.

Amen.

Protesting the Destination Church.

Protesting, yeah!

In the beginning, there was darkness, and God said,

Don't go to the destination church. Don't do it.

Just a working title, by the way.

God!

I'm playing Cain, give me the beard.

- No, I called dibs. - I don't care. I'm playing...

- Give me... - I'm playing Cain.

- I am playing Cain. - I am playing...

No!

I'm Cain. I get to kill you.

I'm Cain. I wrote it so I could kill you.

Give me...

That is such a good production of Cain and Abel.

It's so meta.

Baber, are you sure you're okay?

Yes, I'm fine. No thanks to you.

You could've gotten yourself killed. Even worse, me.

How can you do that?

Running on the road like you're a car. You're not a car, Amaar.

AMAAR: Build mosque. That's my sign.

Standing in the middle of the road with a chicken...

I know what I'm here to do.

I'm here to build a mosque.

I think we can both agree that the only fair thing

for you to do is buy me a new car.

- Yeah, right. - Hey!

Hello! I am Baber. Are you listening?

Ah. That really got out of hand.

Yeah, we haven't fought like that since we were kids.

I was actually talking about the Destination Church.

Okay. Well, I probably owe you an apology, bud.

I'm your brother and a man of God, so forgiveness is my thing.

- So you forgive me? - No.

- Then I probably won't apologize. - Fine then.

- Fine by me. - Yeah.

I'm finished. The audit is done. No thanks to you two.

I helped with... something.

Well done, Sarah.

I'd give you a raise but it isn't in the budget.

Believe me, it is.

You finished it, but only I can submit it.

Your office didn't say that.

All right? Well, since the audit's done, I guess I have to head back to Ottawa.

Oh, that's... Good riddance.

Hey, come on.

Don't be like that. It was fun, like real brothers.

See you in five years. No, even better. Make it ten.

How dare you do work?

Now my engaged pseudo-boyfriend is leaving town.

The way you'll do your books, I'll be back in no time.

Come here.

You've got to be the most corrupt mayor I have ever met.

I bet you say that to all the mayors.

Hey, hey, hey! This is the first time I ever meant it.

It's true.

So you wanted Amaar to kill that chicken in front of Rayyan to show her who's boss?

No, I wanted Amaar to get mad at me

for me wanting him to kill a chicken in front of Rayyan.

Oh, yeah, right. You're a complicated man, Baber.

You think that chicken thing would work on my brother?

Why would Amaar kill a chicken in front of him?

You're right. He'd never agree to it.

I don't know how I'm going to pull it off, but I'm going to build that mosque.

For the first time since we've been back, you seem genuinely happy.

I am. I know what I'm here to do.

Okay. But do you even know how to build anything?

About that. I thought I would start off with something small, like a chicken coop.

Yeah.