Original subtitles

You're gonna love it, it's like lawn darts meets kickboxing but blindfolded.

I don't want to face you in a game you've played since childhood.

It's like me challenging you to rock, paper, arson.

No, but this is the Game of Thorns. You're gonna love it.

Hey, little brother.

Charles?

Billy.

How's the family?

Dad's still drunk. Mom's still dead.

Well, now that we're all caught up,

I don't know who you're here to torment but it's not gonna be me.

Hey, come on. Don't be like that.

I came to see you, man.

- Really? Me? - Yeah.

Okay. Full disclosure, no. I came to audit the town.

But I took the gig 'cause it's your town.

That audit's gonna take an afternoon, then it's you and me, like old times.

Yeah, old times... I don't want any part of that.

- Goodbye. - Hey, I love you.

I hate you.

It'll take me a week to start this audit.

- Not if we help you. - Which we are not obliged to do.

I mean, silk teddies,

thongs, batteries.

Lots of batteries.

How is any of this work related?

Wouldn't you like to know?

You know, ma'am, you may think that you're above the law,

but I am here to stop you,

and you will feel my wrath come next election.

Well, the joke's on you.

- We don't have elections. - Yeah.

You're good.

What's the occasion?

No occasion. We've got all this fine china and good crystal, why not use it?

- But it's for company. - We never have company.

We will, someday, and we don't want our dishes broken and chipped by then.

- By when? - Someday in the future.

- You're afraid. - I'm not.

You're not a real married couple until the first dinner party

and I just don't want to rush into it.

We are a married couple, and we're having one tonight.

Okay, but who are we going to invite?

- I was thinking Baber, Nate... - Not Baber, Nate or Fred.

- What about Thorne? - Okay.

- That's not a dinner party. - Invite your mother.

- Okay. - What about Ann?

- Fine. - Houston, we have a dinner party.

You meet a smart, handsome, age appropriate stranger,

and he turns out to be the Devil incarnate.

- I thought you liked the Devil? - Devils who ride Harleys.

Not ones who threaten to dethrone you.

Where is Charles? He said he'd be here at 10:00.

He said he's seeing his brother.

Well, he'll be here soon. Let's deal with these files.

Yes, let's. I'll get the matches.

Ann, this is serious.

How I spend the taxpayers money is none of the government's beeswax.

You look a little lost.

Hey. No, I'm not lost. I'm just strategizing, I guess.

I love strategizing. Can I help? I'm Amaar Rashid.

Hey. Charles Thorne.

Charles Thorne. You must be...

Yeah, Billy's big brother.

Wow! Who knew the Rev. had a brother?

I'm trying to get some face time with him, but he's been avoiding me.

He's never mentioned me?

- No. - Not even once?

Well, in his defense, I do tune him out a lot.

You don't have to cover for him.

- Billy hates me. - No, I'm sure he doesn't hate you.

- You know the last thing he said to me? - What?

I hate you.

Well, how's this for strategizing?

I'm inviting your brother for dinner. Why don't you come along?

Thank you. No, I wouldn't want to intrude.

Well, you could just be lost and looking for directions.

At the house that he just happens to be at?

- Just... - But you're inviting me, right?

- Yeah. - And... Yeah.

I accept, thank you. Good strategizing.

- That's great. Any food allergies? - Yeah.

Just anything ethnic.

I'm kidding.

Or am I? Yes, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

So what on earth happened between you and your brother?

- He's a serial obsessionist. - What?

Well, when my family first adopted me, I was Charles' obsession.

And it was great, we were together 24X7. He was the best friend I ever had.

And then he ordered Sea-Monkeys, and then he barely spoke to me for a year.

Aren't you being a tad oversensitive?

No, no. You sound like my mother, God rest her soul.

"You shouldn't be blaming your abandonment issues

on your wee brother."

Wasn't even Irish.

The point is, she always liked him best.

But you're grown up now.

No, he's not. No, no, no.

If he's here, he's just in between obsessions.

He's gonna use me and then throw me away, just like when we were kids.

I wasn't supposed to say anything

but your brother may be coming to dinner tonight.

If he's coming, I rescind my acceptance of your invitation.

Fine, don't come for dinner.

But I'm cooking French food.

Mon Dieu! You can't cook Francais.

That's like the top of the culinary montagne.

People change.

Charles might have too. You did.

Yes, yes, I did.

I'm vastly more tolerant of others who are inferior to me, except Charles.

All right, fine.

If you don't come and your brother does,

then we get his side of the story uncontested.

So be it. No, no. Wait, wait, wait. That's not fair.

There's only one way to fix that, my friend.

Fine. I'll be there.

I will see you plus tard.

- What did you call me? - It means later. Francais.

Later.

Know what I'd love?

I would love if you told me that this mess of a filing system is a joke,

so I could leave this one-horse town.

Hey, we've been horse-free since the glue factory opened in Odena.

Sorry.

- What's that? - Accounts payable 2009.

He's so smart and handsome, let him figure it out.

Smart enough to know how much Alexander Brown costs?

Handsome enough to work.

The town never buys my luggage there or my handbags.

Or that leather ottoman that's in your living room.

What am I supposed to just let my legs dangle like some common commoner?

Okay. Enough small talk.

I want to start in January, 2009. Give me everything you got.

We'll help you as much as we can.

- Over my dead body. - I heard that.

Jerk.

That is good soup.

Check out these recipes I found on la internet.

- Four courses. Are you crazy? - Crazy about classic cuisine.

Do you think you should cook something you never have?

It'll be fun. It'll be like that lady in the Julia Child movie.

Isn't it a little risky?

No, it will be a delightful, light-hearted romp

with some genius comic performances.

Movie reviews aside,

what about the two feuding Thorne brothers?

They will be best friends by the end of the appetizers.

Fatima, you're a good cook.

If you forgot your wallet, just say so.

If you had company over, would you cook something you never have?

Yes, I would.

And when I screw it up, it's tomorrows soup.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Mom.

I'm just rushing off to work.

Well, I'll see you later, at your big dinner party.

Yeah.

Why are we buying coffee for that horrible horrible nightmare of a handsome man?

I had to get you out. You were too close to him with that stapler.

I wish we had a hole punch.

Because I would have punched a hole in his handsome face.

That's another thing. Why do you keep saying the word "handsome"?

Just what are you insinuating?

I hate that irresistible monster.

Maybe you should ignore him, he'll go away faster.

It works with wasps.

Not necessarily. On the other hand, with Mediterranean men...

- I mean real wasps. - They are the smallest tippers.

- Three coffees, please. - We tip.

Something smells delicious. What is it?

- It's Coq Au Vin A-La Muslim. - You made that up.

I used turkey bacon instead of real bacon and I used grape juice instead of wine.

That sounds halal-awful.

You know what? Prepare to eat your words. Take a taste of this.

Wow, that's actually amazing.

Don't sound so surprised.

I've been working my buns off all afternoon.

Let me do something.

You know what? You can be the taker-outer.

So why don't you take out these appetizers in five minutes.

And why don't you take out this dessert in half an hour?

Appetizers, 7:10. Desserts, 7:35.

Consider them taken out.

We begin.

Hello, stranger. I'm here to ask for directions.

Relax. It's okay.

Besides, I already told him you're coming.

Darn it. Practicing that line for hours.

- Was I convincing? - Sure.

Charles, I want you to meet my wife, Rayyan.

Hello, Charles. I've heard so much about you.

- All good, I hope? - Not if she heard it from me.

- Hey, Billy! - Just don't call me that.

- I always called you Billy. - It's William now.

Or Reverend. Or don't talk to me at all.

Hello, friends.

Guys, why don't you have a seat?

Can we get you a drink?

- Better have a Scotch. - They're Muslim.

In that case, make it a double.

Well, I'm just kidding. Or am I?

Yeah, I'm kidding. Again.

I'll get you a juice.

- Can I help you? - No, sit. Chat.

- I could clean the bathroom. - Sit. Chat.

So, what happened to your latest obsession?

- We got engaged. - Nice.

And then he got bored, tossed her away and came to see me?

No. No, we're still engaged. Well, I can show you pictures.

Yeah, easily photoshopped.

No. We met speed skating on the canal.

- Speedskating? - This is going well.

It was speed dating. The point is, we're still engaged,

and yet I am here to visit you.

I'm telling you, I've changed. I can multitask.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

- Reverend. - Thanks.

Well, all right. I suppose that it's possible.

Maybe.

- It's good to see you. - You too, man.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Ann.

Have you met Charles?

Spare me the second introduction.

Yeah, we know each other.

- He's auditing me. - I think they hate each other.

- Everyone at my party hate each other. - I don't hate anyone.

- I'll get some juice. - Yeah.

That mayor is a piece of work, isn't she? I think she has a switchblade.

It's a corkscrew.

- Can we just go? - No.

Make an effort. For the sake of your eternal financial soul.

Oh!

My, oh, my.

Well, hello to you.

Thank you.

Here you go. But, I do have something for us.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello!

- Come on. - Cheers.

Charles?

We're like puppies.

Look at him over there.

Laughing, canoodling, claiming that he's changed.

If he had a superpower, it would be abandoning helpless younger brothers.

Sounds more like a supervillain.

You've got that right, Sarah.

You've got that right.

The appetizers.

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

Hot!

Well, at least they're not burnt.

And I adore Venice. Especially the gondoliers.

Cheers.

- And it's so romantic. - So is Paris.

All the stinky cheese and stinky people.

And of course, all the art.

And the churches. But it's the sex...

Romance, that stays with you.

Well, you know, romance makes the world go round, doesn't it?

What are these? They smell delicious.

Gougeres. French cheese puffs.

But, that's weird. They're not very puffy.

- I don't know, they look good to me. - No.

Look at the picture, puffy

I think that's just the angle.

Well, now, I thought you we're all about the numbers.

I am.

And you are one hot little number.

Well then, why don't we get out of here? Go back to my place.

Wouldn't waste a one night stand on you.

No, no, no.

You on a one night stand. I wouldn't waste you on a one...

- All right. Well, let's serve them. - I'll take these.

- You look at the Coq Au Vin . - Okay.

All right. Coq Au Vin, looking good.

Who says it has to be just one night?

Cheese puff?

They're called Gougere, they're French.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Maybe more... What's the word I'm looking for? Puffy?

Maybe. Amaar made them.

Anything?

- Amaar! - God.

I got it.

No.

My Coq Au Vin. It's destroyed.

- It was the best thing I ever cooked. - I'm so sorry.

Now it's full of poison.

- Maybe we can eat around it. - No.

I think it's time for your famous ketchup sandwiches.

No, Amaar. No.

This is our rite of passage dinner party.

We're not eating ketchup sandwiches because dinner's poisoned.

- For the record, you poisoned dinner. - I know what happened, I was there.

- What are you doing now? - I'm calling Fatima.

Sarah, did you hear what he said?

He wouldn't waste me on a one night stand.

I think he likes me.

Great. Maybe he'll go easy on the audit.

I don't care the audit. Bless the audit, bring it on.

- What's gotten into you? - I feel so alive.

Hey, abandoneer.

You've humiliated me again. Are you happy?

Yeah, I haven't been this happy in years.

- Salad anyone? - Yes.

Now, of course, everyone knows

that the authentic French way is to finish with salad...

But who cares about authenticity, as long as it tastes good?

Exactly. So let's sit and eat salad.

Doesn't this look wonderful?

It's salad.

Yes, yes. Salad with authentic French balsamic vinaigrette,

from France.

Slow down, it's not a race.

Remember, this is dining. It's not eating.

I'll get that.

- That's probably... - Fat Frank.

Fat Frank is the neighbor's kid.

He's selling chocolates door to door. He's fat.

We're nice to him. He's got self-esteem issues

and people are mean.

- Let's go say hi to him. - Let's.

- Ignore us. Keep talking. - Please.

- Salad, salad. - Eat, eat.

- You got here so fast. Thank you. - You can thank me with $50.

- 50? - Extra 20% for emergencies plus delivery.

- We can't pretend we made this. - Yes, we can.

Extra 20 for taking credit.

Let me do this. Okay? I ruined your French food.

You wanted it to be perfect. Just a white lie.

White lies are extra.

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Here.

Go through the bedroom, I'll go straight. I'll cover for you.

Why would you?

Dinners here!

- Ready! - It's ready.

- Thought we were having Coq Au Vin? - So did I.

Well, we were but the Coq Au cried out for a little zest,

so we went with curry.

And you added a goat?

Well, it's La Chevre. I read French.

Is there anything you don't know?

I'm sure you could teach me a thing or two.

You can't fool us, Amaar. You got this recipe from Fatima.

You might say I got that dish directly from Fatima.

That's ridiculous, Amaar. Stop it.

Seriously, stop!

You were wrong about my brother.

What? He's been trying all night.

Yeah, to woo his new obsession.

Look at him. It's like I'm not even in the room.

Watch this.

Hey, Charles. I'm considering a sex change.

You've got it, kiddo.

Two kids are...

- See? - No. It's pretty bad.

Yeah, well, I have had enough of this.

Yeah. You?

Yeah, you really had me going there, Charles.

Coming here and bragging about speed skating and multitasking.

And your fiance?

Fiance? We've only just...

I do.

No, he's not proposing. He's engaged to somebody else.

Please tell me you're not engaged,

and you're no good, troublemaking brother is making trouble for no good reason.

I am not. He's lying.

Or is he now?

No, he's not really lying. I am engaged.

- You're engaged? - I'm sorry.

You think I haven't changed?

You haven't changed. You're still ruining everything.

I'm getting warmed up.

- Really? - Yeah.

Why don't we take it outside?

Guys, we don't have to do this. There's still dessert.

Yeah, dessert.

- Dessert! - Are you kidding me?

Yeah, well, we Thornes settle this like men.

Unless you've gotten a little soft, Reverend.

I've not gotten soft.

- Let's do it. - Yeah.

- Where's outside? - There.

Come on.

Didn't see that one coming, did you, Billy?

Damn you!

Come on.

Eat that shuttlecock.

I don't understand them.

Well that shuttlecock is the white feathery thing.

- It's also called a birdie. - No, I get that.

- I mean, they're totally insane. - That's clear.

Come on.

Here we go.

Chocolate milk for dessert. Can't we do better? I'm starving.

It's not milk, it's mousse. Soupy mousse.

I don't know. I mean, he turned the chicken into goat.

One sip and I'll grow an antler.

It's chocolate mousse.

It was in the freezer too long, but Rayyan nuked it in the microwave.

- So, dessert? - No.

It's not that bad.

Wow, that was some slap.

Well, what can I say? He's my type.

- Engaged is your type. - Hubby number two was engaged.

Also Ricardo, who I met in Belize.

- Engaged men can be very hot. - And also very engaged.

Bring it. What you got?

No.

Yield!

Never! Never. Three more games. Come on.

Well, look on the bright side.

Tonight wasn't a total disaster.

I don't think a tornado gets to decide how much damage it's caused.

- A tornado? That's harsh. - Well...

From now on, the kitchen is all yours, monsieur.

- Come on. - Look on the bright side.

We got to use the good china.

Rite of passage, passed.

- No. - Yes.

No, I couldn't see.

Still counts. Still counts.

One more?

- Okay, Billy. - Come in.

- You were right. - About you being a selfish jerk?

No.

About the audit taking longer than an afternoon.

Looks like I'm gonna be here a while.

Well, in that case, we should probably mend that fence.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. Yeah.

On the other hand, if Amaar didn't want his fence broken,

he shouldn't have let us play badminton in the first place.

- Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah.

Great.

- So we're good then? - Yeah. Yeah, we're good.

I was kidding.

Or was I?

Yeah, I was.

I can't believe we wrestled all that financial chaos

- to the ground in less than a week. - Yeah, "we."

- Excuse us. Right this way, guys. - No, no. What are you doing?

I am sorry ladies, but this town's financial records are so tangled,

I have to go back seven years to get to the bottom of it.

You know?