Original subtitles

Hey, single Sarah.

- Just the gal I was hoping to bump into. - That's sweet, Fred.

I wish we could hang more, connect over coffee.

Oh, my, you're hitting on me. Well, forget about coffee,

I need your eyes and ears on me completely.

No, I'm not done with that yet.

Okay, what can I do for you?

I'm trying new slogans for my radio show,

- and I need some feedback. - Perfect. PR is my specia...

I don't want your professional opinion. I want to hear from your gut.

Wanna get feedback from the average dullard.

- That doesn't sound like me. - Trust me.

You're bland, average, exactly what I'm looking for.

Honestly, Fred. Okay, give me your slogans.

Okay, here we go.

"Fred Tupper is in your head.

Fred Tupper is in your bed.

Fred, Fred, Fred, awesome street cred."

Okay, where are the hidden cameras? Are you joking?

What, you don't love it?

- No! - No?

No, it's not clever, or catchy. "Fred Tupper in your bed"?

- It's creepy, - What do you know? Forget about it.

Pearls before swine.

Okay, give me another one. I know you have a number of slogans.

Well, one was a number.

Any-hoo, thanks for nothing. Ahem.

Hey, you guys, I want to try a little radio slogan.

"Fred Tupper is off his meds."

Sit tight honey, because breakfast is on its way.

And here I come.

Hello, sleeping cutie.

Honey! That looks amazing.

You must've used everything in the kitchen to make that.

Every appliance but the dishwasher, and we can use that tomorrow.

Or right after breakfast.

This is nice. Nobody here to interrupt us.

I know. I'm loving it.

No Fatima here to barge in with her goat curry,

no Nate around, to want to cry every time we kiss.

What about the waffles?

Just forget about the waffles.

Did you leave something on in the kitchen?

No. No, I didn't.

- No, 'cause I do hear noises. - It's just the convection oven,

the toaster, the beating of my heart, plus the waffle iron.

Maybe you shouldn't have been using so many appliances?

Now, honey, most women would be impressed by my multitasking.

That is, women who are easily impressed and not as beautiful as you.

Okay. Try switch, try switch.

- No. - Not it either, okay.

Oh!

Maybe we need a new fuse panel with switches like everybody else has

- with a house built this century. - Didn't your dad install this one?

He kept saying that antique fuses have such quaint charm.

Yeah, my dad read by fireflies as a kid,

so anything with a light bulb has antique charm.

Right. This is easy. I can fix this.

Maybe we should call a guy.

A guy? What kind of guy?

No guy could fix this any better than I could.

Oh!

Not even an electrician guy?

Well, maybe an electrician guy.

Look, I will have this fixed in just a few minutes, or I will look it up online.

- What do you think the Internet is for? - I don't know. Shopping, identity theft?

- Be careful. - Yep.

- Love you. - Bye.

..Butter chicken,

Mango pickle...

- I'm sorry. - Curse you, giant dream breaker.

Who's a grumpy bum? You are!

What in the name of unholy interruptions is this?

- I was flying, Thorne, flying! - With your stubby arms?

I doubt it. Anyway, I brought you some bagels.

Take that away. I'm still digesting my morning grapefruit.

Since when do you eat fruit?

Since Layla told me on Skype that I was looking roly poly in my face

and in this general area. Those cameras are very unflattering

- to a man my age. - And size, I guess.

Anyway, diet's for another day.

I brought three kinds of cream cheese.

You go ahead and get bloaty. I do not want to put on the pounds.

I was sleeping 'cause you can't eat then.

I have sleeping pills that say otherwise. Look, you don't expect me to dine alone.

I expect you to take that tray of temptation and leave my office.

- Let a man starve in peace. - Fine.

You know, I could stand to lose a few. Why don't we make this interesting?

- We could wear interesting hats. - That's not what I meant.

Hello. Walaikum assalam , honey. Yes, yes.

Yeah, I got lights on.

I got so many lights, it's like Vegas.

All we need is a couple of manly men and a white tiger.

You're right. There are no lights on here.

But look, relax. I am one, two, maximum three steps away

from getting the electricity back on.

No, one of those steps is not calling a guy.

Okay, see you soon.

I need to call a guy.

Interesting.

Now we've both fasted before for religion.

Please. Muslims fast.

Christians give up chocolate

and give themselves a medal filled with chocolate.

- Tomato, tomato. - You can't speak without mentioning food.

What I'm proposing is a little friendly competition.

A fast off, if you will.

Now you're talking about losing,

'cause I will fast you right underneath the table.

You'll finish this tray,

- before you reach your office. - Wrong, Baber.

Because I am going to donate these into the garbage.

- Three days, no food. - What's the prize? Besides gloating?

How about the winner gets to preach

- to the loser's congregation? - Your sorry congregation

will have no idea what even hit them.

The loser will have something humiliating,

- although I think it's covered. - You wear a dress to work.

- You were a blouse. - God, this would be the easiest thing

- that I have ever done. - Oh, yeah?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must roam the hallways, moaning in hunger.

How to fix a fuse box? I don't know.

I've been watching you

talk to your coffee for the last seven minutes.

- Are you all right? - Hi, Sarah.

Yeah, I'm just a little distracted.

- Anything I can do to help? - Not unless you can install

a panel of switch fuses and restore the electricity to my house.

- Of course, I can. Let there be light. - Amen to that.

I learned all kinds of electricity stuff when I took over Hamoudi Construction.

So you can seriously fix all the things I wrecked

- in the house before Rayyan gets back. - Absolutely.

So finish drinking or talking to your coffee and let's get a move on.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Bread, maybe a sourdough rye.

- I like that... - Given up yet?

No, not even close. I can go for days without food, days.

You know, I once led a weeklong Bible retreat in the Rockies.

- I only drank lake water. - And then you caught the beaver fever.

What? It's a real thing. Google it. Actually, maybe you better not.

Why do I suddenly smell curry?

- Because you're a racist? - No, because you brought curry.

It's in that bag. I can smell it.

Well, it is after sunset.

What? First of all? No, it isn't. And second of all, you just lost.

Don't be ridiculous. Everybody knows fasting does not count before sunrise

and after sunset. Take a look out your window. The sky is mooning you.

Who cares about sunrise and sunset? That's not fasting.

That's just rescheduled eating.

Not according to the Prophet. Peace be upon...

The Prophet? Are you trying to impress your daughter

or some guy you've never met?

This is a weight competition. Not a religious issue.

- Now, either you're in or you're out. - I'm in. I'm in.

The sun will rise and set on my empty, yet succulent belly.

So hungry.

All you needed was a little patience.

- That's it? - And an understanding of fuses and wiring.

What were you making for breakfast, a rolling blackout?

Kudos to you, Sarah, for making that microwave turn on

when you're at the microwave and not the hairdryer.

Well, it's what I do.

I got phone calls to make, and Ann's corruption won't contain itself.

How can I ever thank you for this favor and the favor I'm about to ask you?

- Oh, boy. - I'd really love it

if Rayyan thought I fixed the problem.

I'd love it if Mercy had more than one diner,

- but we can't always get what we want. - I can't lie. That would be wrong.

Although technically I did fix the problem because I asked you over and I delegated.

I was very proactive.

You were slumped over the counter, talking to your beverage.

- So we're cool? - Not even remotely.

- Look, name your price, Sarah. - For this, I can make 100 bucks an hour.

Okay. For you, you can clean up my eavestroughs.

- That's not so bad. - Well, that's what I thought

till I met that squirrel.

- Okay. - Guarding its nest of baby squirrels...

Who are getting stronger as we speak.

I'll be fine. I'll just use my poking stick.

So, you really didn't call a guy?

- No. - You can't lie.

I'm not lying, I swear. I did not call a guy.

Okay. I'm sorry. It's just I've known you for six years.

You've never really been a Mr. Fix It.

- I really didn't have to do anything. - You fixed our drippy sink.

I did? I did, of course.

Listen, I know my way around plumbing, right?

Lefty tighty, righty loosey. It's all the same, come on.

Coming.

Don't you mean, "boo"?

What's this, Halloween, playing dress up?

At least I am dressed. What's with you?

Well, I need a shower.

And you're announcing that half naked?

Well, my pipes burst in the middle of a lather rinse repeat.

I tried to wait it out, but I've got to get clean.

All right, just ten minutes, and please throw away the soap once you're done.

Amaar, why don't you head over to Fred's

- in the morning and fix his shower? - Head over where, fix what?

You fixed our plumbing.

I was gonna call a handyman, but they charge mucho dinero.

No, my husband's the handiest man ever.

He'll have your shower working first thing in the morning,

you won't believe your eyes. I know I don't.

Cool. Okay, which way to the shower?

- So... - So? You said you had no water, Fred.

It's like someone fired a cannon in here.

Can you fix it or not?

My money's on not.

Look, Fred, I don't think it's such a bad...

Can you please put on some pants?

No. My house, my rules, my robe.

- Can you at least get me some tools? - Already? But be prepared.

They're titanium.

- Great, that should buy me some time. - Here we go.

All right.

Knock yourself out.

All right. Well, this should be for the tile.

- Wrong, that's for pipes. - I meant the pipes behind the tiles.

- Just kidding. It's for tiles. - Fred. Look,

I'm here doing a favor that my wife volunteered me for.

What, is this your new job now? Are you Mercy's new handy-Imam?

Just asking.

I'm here helping a neighbor who was hovering in a very short robe.

Careful.

Anyhoo, if you were bringing this baby up to full capacity,

I'm going to need a new showerhead.

- Right. See you in a few hours. - Toodles.

And Jesus took the loaves and the fishes.

Fish...

And when he had given thanks, he broke them

and gave them to his disciples.

Everyone ate and was satisfied.

Here's the thing. These people were starving.

They would have eaten dirt at that point.

Look, I will absolve the sins of any man or woman for a stick of gum.

- Anyone? - Bless you, good sir.

Are you for realsies? Am I absolved of my sins?

Because I've done some weird, weird things in my day.

Well, no. But I'll put in a good work for you.

God bless you.

The... Speaking of weird stuff, let's turn to Job.

You just lay off salt a little more, those packets with instant noodles,

- don't eat those without the noodles. - Okay.

- Hi! - Hey, Mom!

- What's up? - I just thought I'd visit you at work.

- You have time for a coffee? - Sure.

Okay, weird question. Is it wrong that I don't trust my husband?

Is this about the electrical problem you guys had?

Yeah. How do you know?

It's word around town that Amaar is quite the handyman.

Yeah, exactly. Does that sound like the Amaar you know?

Yes, it does.

He would pretend to master something he has no skills in whatsoever.

Thank you. He's up to something.

Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Yeah, like he hired a repairman and isn't telling me.

Which is why I sent him over to fix Fred's busted shower.

- When is that happening? - He should be there now.

- Okay, let's go get coffee. - Wait, Amaar's at Fred's now?

Yeah. I hope someone's taking pictures.

Oh, my goodness.

You know what, honey? I have to postpone that coffee.

Amaa... A man needs me.

- A man? What man? - A man.

No, no, I meant Ann, she's very much like a man.

She has strong hands. I gotta go.

Yeah, I'm just going.

BABER: I am not hungry. My tummy is empty so my heart can be full.

What I would do for one of those trash bagels.

Ready to call it quits?

Cowering on the ground is the universal sign for "I give up."

At least it was when I needed to get out of gym class.

Head rush! I will never give up.

And take this as a universal sign of victory.

And what is inside your mouth?

- Gum. - Spit it out.

Gum's not food, I'm chewing, not chowing.

Get rid of it right now or I will eat that muffin that I found in your rectory.

That doesn't sound right.

Look, gum is for jaw strength, not nourishment.

Besides, I think it's nicotine gum.

I don't know why my mouth won't stop tingling.

At the count of three, you will spit it out.

Or I will start my victory lap.

- Which will surely killing me. - Fine.

You're going to lose anyway.

Yes, and I've already written my victory sermon.

It's called, "Jesus is watching and he doesn't like what he sees."

Layla is doing the Skype in two days and I will be skinny.

Really? Sure about that?

Why don't we take this party up a notch? Yeah, a total life fast.

- We don't eat, drink. - Chew gum.

We don't talk to anyone but each other, and no sleep.

- For 20 minutes. - For two days.

- Done. - Shake.

And that's not what you meant. I knew that.

- Life fast. - To the death.

No, just for two days. And no silly hats. Okay?

Sarah, you are a lifesaver, but Freddie's gonna be back any second.

So it would be great if you leave through the window.

Amaar, this was a disaster, and I fixed it for you.

- You're gonna shove me out the window? - No, of course not.

I'm just gonna push you.

I love you to death, but I am not helping you anymore.

You need to tell Rayyan the truth and Fred too.

- Absolutely, I will. - I'm back!

Stay in the shower, stay in the shower.

It seems like the dumbest hiding place in the world.

Shower time.

Hello, Christian friend.

What? I was just gonna tell him to bring canned goods to the food drive next week.

You are not allowed to converse with humans.

You can only talk to me.

You're uppity for a man who tried to drink

- from a garden hose. - And I'd have gotten away with it

- if you'd not been meddling. - Yeah.

You know what you should do? Get Amaar to talk to Layla on Skype

and tell her it's you.

I'm going to go to Fatima's to smother cooking fumes.

- I'll race you! - Go!

Got eight settings. Jealous?

Now, how about you hook this up and hit the road.

Sure, it'll just take a second. No sweat.

Real men do sweat, pal.

And they use the old sweat destroyer to get rid of the stench.

God, I wish I had a bidet.

Thank you for that image, Fred.

- Put this on. - Amaar, I won't be rushed.

This is complex work.

- First I have to rinse with cold water. - We don't have time.

Sarah, what are you doing here?

- Mother-in-laws. They're just so... - That's it.

This deal is off. You are going to tell the truth, Amaar.

I don't care if I have to face that eavestrough by myself.

Fine.

Bit of a confession here, Fred. You know, your new shower?

- Well, I may not have... - Amaar?

Are you okay? I heard shrieking from...

- Mom. - Actually, it was me shrieking.

Unless Amaar, you would rather she think it was you.

Is anybody gonna explain what's going on,

- or should I start showering with people? - No, please don't.

Okay. Okay, I've decided what happens to the loser.

- What? - They get eaten by the winner.

Precisely.

THORNE: Ow! You haven't won yet.

Okay. Look, I may have had some help fixing the shower.

And our sink.

And our fuse box.

- I knew it. - Help?

- Really? Is that all? - And by help, I mean

that I did nothing and Sarah did everything.

Although I did tell some pretty funny plumber butt jokes

- that she laughed at, - Yeah, I was just being polite.

So you lied to me then?

I did ask you if you hired a contractor.

No, I did not lie. You asked if I hired a handyman,

and actually I hired a handy woman.

And I'm disappointed you didn't leave it open to both genders.

You're disappointed.

Honey, it's a tad sexist.

I mean, you're a doctor, you should know better.

- Amaar? - Okay.

- I'm sorry I misled everyone. - Frankly, I didn't buy it for a second.

- I figured he hired a guy. - I did, too.

I just didn't figure the guy was my mom.

How did you learn to do all this stuff?

Well, I slept with a contractor for 31 years.

That's pretty impressive, Sarah.

Well, thank you, Fred. It's very nice to be appreciated.

- You see the work I did on your tiles? - Yeah. Smooth.

Yeah. I brought in some magazines for ideas.

You have got to check out the bidets.

Porcelain bliss.

No, please don't do that.

Give up.

- Never. - You're a failure. You need food.

I know you are, but what am I?

I don't understand the question.

Yeah? Yeah.

- What question? I never asked a question. - Why don't I understand the question?

Subhan Allah! I see a bright white light, and a white man.

With a beard, judging me.

- No, this is it. - It's me. You're looking at me.

You're hallucinating.

I declare myself the winner!

No!

Allah, have pity on my soul and empty tummy.

I just wish you would've told me my mom did it,

because it's cool that she can do all this stuff.

No. I wanted to tell you. I was just waiting for the perfect moment.

- After I found out? - Preferably before that.

Oh, yeah.

My mom, she does good work.

- Although this tile is a little crooked. - Yeah, I did that.

Well, that I can believe.

Look, I think we should get out of here just before Fred comes back

- with his robe. - Or less.

So, you both collapsed after a one day fast?

- No, I I believe it was two days. - He couldn't take it.

- He caved like a deck of cards. - I won. You passed out.

- No, you passed out. - He passed out first.

The emergency vehicles were called, and mine got here much quicker.

- I won. - I won!

- I won! - I won!

- I won! - You're both losers,

and you need to rehydrate.

Loser.

- No, but seriously, we should rehydrate. - Am I thinking what you're thinking?

Care to make this interesting?

I want to be your morning man

I want to be your evening guy

Let me spin you, baby

The man with the sexiest legs In radio. Can we hear it folks?

One, two, three...

Come on, back to Rayyan's place.