Original subtitles

Then we rolled out this great, big cake and you'll never guess...

A girl jumped out of it.

Ooh, that would be even better.

We should do that for the bachelor party I'm gonna throw you.

Nate, I'm sorry, but my best man will throw my bachelor party.

I sure will.

And I take that position seriously, sir. I will not let you down.

This is awkward.

Now, we need a big cake and a girl with father issues.

You're not my best man, Nate.

Oh. Sure, I understand.

Excuse me. I got something in my eye.

You made the right decision.

I feel badly. He seemed really excited.

Yes. He's like a puppy, without the discipline.

But don't worry, he'll have fun at the party I throw you.

Oh, about that...

And it won't be some testosterone-fueled affair

filled with scantily clad women.

- I know that. - No, no, it'll be simple, elegant.

A Beaujolais, some provincial cheese, perhaps some chamber music,

and then, lively conversation.

I could use a little more testosterone than that.

Charades? Oh, you are saucy.

Thanks, Rev, for doing all that, but my best man's taking care of it.

You mean I'm not your best man? Who beat me out?

I'm back!

Duncan, it is so good to see you.

Oh, it's great to be back. I missed this old place.

You are so skinny. I will butter your pie.

Oh, don't put yourself out.

Don't worry, I will charge you extra.

Fatima. Thoughtful as ever.

I'm not sure that's a compliment.

I can't wait to hear some exciting Nunavut stories.

Yes, exciting Nunavut stories.

Uh, "this just in, it snowed again. We..."

Uh, what... No. Go on. What...

Oh, well, it's, uh...

It's beautiful up there. The rawness of it.

Of course, you big city boys would probably need a little time to adjust,

what with your fresh fruit and daylight.

Wow! You have been up there a while.

She really did butter it.

And I hear there's a mosque?

Yep, shipped up from Winnipeg.

Ship the mosque to the Arctic, of course! Why didn't I think of that?

- Excuse me? - What? Uh, sorry. Uh, flashback.

He's just kidding.

It took me a while to get used to his dark sense of humor.

Yes. But, uh, good for you.

You know, spreading the gospel in a frozen, hostile wasteland,

where Christians are outnumbered by musk ox.

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a wasteland.

It's pretty much the same as here.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I'll take advantage of your running water.

Please, yes. Take your time.

What is with you?

Is it because I didn't ask you to be my best man?

What? Of course not. That's crazy. What a crazy idea.

You should hear yourself because you sound craz...

Duncan is a good friend of mine. Plus, he came all this way

And he never tried to ruin my life.

Oh, that old saw.

Look, maybe he could use your help planning the party.

Of course, yes.

You wouldn't want a man who's lost three toes to frostbite,

limping with the cheese tray. That's a downer.

Come on. This would give you guys a good chance to get to know each other,

and it would mean a lot to me.

All right. Amaar, for you, yes. I will even help Old Seven Toes.

Well, long story short, it took a lot of chewing,

but I made my own slippers.

- Wow! - Wow! That is impressive.

Yeah. You know, I actually chewed these loafers.

- Really? - No. I bought them like people do.

Oh, excuse me. That is the IAI. I was expecting their call.

- Ah. - Oh.

Look who it is!

- Hey, Rev. - Here's trouble.

Double trouble.

RAYYAN: Wow! SARAH: Oh, wow!

- SARAH It's so good to see you. - Oh, my God, Duncan,

we're so happy you're here for the wedding.

I mean, I wouldn't have missed it.

Can you believe Rayyan is getting married?

- No. - It seems like only yesterday,

you were on your tricycle, making house calls,

telling people to get off salt.

Yeah, I could take blood pressure by the time I was five.

- And how are you holding up? - What do you mean?

Well, your daughter's getting married. She's moving on.

She's totally independent. How are you handling that?

I was fine until now.

Oh. Sorry.

Uh, goodbye. Ni... Nice chat.

So...

Staying long?

I see your stripes, tiger.

- And what are we talking about now? - I know about the mischief you got up to.

Closing the mosque, getting Amaar fired, faking that neck injury.

Oh, I'd almost forgotten about that.

Amaar seems to think you've changed. I really hope you have.

Right. Great, uh...

Good chat.

- Hi. - FATIMA: Hi.

- Hello. - Hey, Fatima.

Are you excited for the bachelorette party tomorrow?

I am.

I was surprised. I don't usually get excited easily.

It's gonna be so much fun.

We can get our nails done and go dress shopping together.

Nails, done. Dress, bought.

What? You went without me? You didn't need my help?

Sorry, but I saw this dress I couldn't resist. It's so hot.

I'm sure it will be something I disapprove of.

Here's hoping.

- Hey, ladies. - Hi.

Oh, Rayyan, I got the invitation to your bridal shower,

- and I am so sorry, but I cannot come. - Why not?

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

Oh, I got it. Ask me again.

Why not?

I lost it.

You can't miss this party. You're like family.

Okay. Who needs to avoid boredom? I'm in.

Oh, it won't be boring.

It's just us girls, so we can really let our hair down.

Literally. No hijabs.

Naked Muslim hair? I'm in.

But you already said you said you're in.

This time, I mean it.

DUNCAN: Yes, Mrs. Wispinski.

I'm really looking forward to that apple crisp.

Yeah.

Well, my love to Alvin.

Yeah, all right. Bye-bye.

Sorry, I needed the phone for a minute. I hope that's okay.

Of course. Why wouldn't it be okay?

- DUNCAN: Sorry. - No, go ahead.

- No, you go ahead. - THORNE: No, I insist.

- It's your office. Hello. - You're the guest.

Oh.

- Hung up. - Ah.

Mercy Anglican.

Who? Oh.

All right. I'll... I'll... I'll ask.

Mrs. Hobbs wants to know if you're available

for schnitzel dinner next Tuesday.

- Oh, yes, that'll be lovely. - Yeah? All right.

Well, yes. He says, see you next Tuesday.

Yeah. You know, Mrs. Hobbs, I also love schnitzel.

And... Mrs. Hobbs? Uh... Uh...

Oh, uh, there you are.

I thought the, uh...

But, you know what? I just remembered, I have that other schnitzel thing.

Don't be sad.

Oh, we'll talk soon. God bless.

Anyhoo, I should get settled.

Where... Where are you staying, again?

Well, that would be where any clergy would stay when visiting town.

Oh, right. With me, at the vicarage.

Unless you'd be more comfortable somewhere else?

Anywhere else?

I lived there for 20 years, in case you forgot.

Hey, how could I forget?

Those non-slip hippy flowers really bring that shower together.

Well, now, I should get to work on this bachelor party.

Oh, right. Uh, Amaar asked me to help out.

Oh, no... No need. I've already drawn up my list.

Perfect. I can write on the back.

No, thanks. That would be a job for Amaar's best man.

Oh, just because you're the best man, doesn't make you the better man.

- The dictionary says it does. - Well, I think...

I have an extra copy.

You're good.

- The best. - Yeah.

And when I see her in the moonlight

And so I pants

Oh, yeah! Beat you again!

Astaghfirullah! It is not fair.

This party okay?

Are you kidding? This is great.

Having fun with everyone I care about...

And Fred.

Yousef is having fun.

All the baby, baby pants...

I love this tune.

I think.

I can't believe this.

I know. I can't figure this stupid thing out.

Karaoke, old-timey root beer, five kinds of potato chips.

Yeah. He's even got plain, ripple plain and Ruffle plain.

- Yeah. - The guy's a maniac.

Everyone's having fun. Damn Magee.

This is the perfect party for Amaar. Maybe Magee is the better man.

Don't be silly. The party's not that great.

Wow! Is that a sundae bar?

Wait till you see what I got for her.

ANN: Oh!

And this one's from me.

Oh, thanks, Rose.

But be sure to open it when you're alone.

A Teddy.

I hope you like it. Options were limited

down at Lucky Ted's Live Bait and Lingerie.

Oh, oh, this one's from me, honey. You don't have to open it right now.

- Oh, I want to. - No.

A Teddy.

- You already have one, so... - Well, it's the thought that counts.

No, no, you can take it back for store credit.

They have a... A wide selection of camisoles and nightcrawlers.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I just wanted to get you something special.

I guess you just don't need your old mom anymore.

- Oh, of course, I need you. - Really? For what?

I could use another mocktail.

Great.

- Are you having a good time? - Yes, I am.

Excuse me. Do we know each other?

Fatima! Holy nuggets!

I totally didn't... It's you!

Why does no one recognize me without my hijab?

I am the only black woman in Mercy.

Look at those two.

I can't believe I'm letting that priest show me up.

Hey, no one's showing you up.

Wow! The sundae bar has a nougat fountain.

Well, Magee really showed you up, pal.

Damn Magee. Why should I have to play second fiddle?

Actually, you'd be third fiddle.

- I was here second. - You don't count.

I have something in my eye.

I can still outshine Magee. Think. Think.

Why bother? It's not like you're gonna hijack your friend's bachelor party

in some desperate plea for attention.

Don't mind if I do. Mmm-hmm.

I've never seen so many empty bottles of non-alcoholic champagne before.

I've seen three times as... Oh, non-alcoholic. Yeah.

Pizza!

Did, uh, anyone order three extra-larges?

A man!

Why am I running?

I'm hiding from a man. My dad would be so proud.

Let me get you outside. Sorry.

- ANN: What the hell just happened? - A man just happened.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't hear him banging at my door.

- We need to lock this place down. - Yes.

We have secured the perimeter. No men!

WOMAN: Let's party!

- No, I didn't. - No.

Oh, my...

Where is Thorne?

Did he go? Oh, too bad.

Come on, don't be like that.

I don't want you two fighting at the wedding.

I don't get it. What do you see in him?

He's the kind of man that gives Anglicans a bad name.

He's trying to change.

He's not trying very hard.

Think about how hard it is for us to make the right choices.

For him, it's ten times harder. He's got to ignore most of his instincts.

Okay, okay. I guess I should've let him help plan the party.

Too bad there's nothing left to plan now.

New plan, everybody. Paintball.

That is so inappropriate.

True. It is a Muslim shindig.

Well, that's why there's no sex or alcohol.

But if I know Muslims, they don't have a problem with guns.

- Come on, fellas. - Come on!

- Wait! - Wait!

- Let's go. - All right.

- What do you say, Rev? - Well, I don't mind a bit of fun,

but what about the ants on a log?

Pack 'em.

But be warned, some of them might not make it home.

Hamoudi residence.

- Mom, it's me, Rayyan. - Rayyan?

I'm in the back of the pizza delivery guy's car and I'm trapped.

Why would you do that?

I... Mom, I didn't mean to.

But the problem is, I don't know what to do now.

Well, just ask him to stop and let you out.

He'll see my hair and my legs and my arms.

Well, just... Just wait till he stops, and then get out.

Very good idea.

But how am I supposed to know I know when he stops?

He could be driving out way across the...

Okay, he stopped.

Uh, okay.

I'm out of the car. I'm at the Carruthers' farm.

Good, good. Listen, I will be right there.

But I... I can't wait here. I'm gonna go hide in the woods.

- Please hurry, Mom! - I'm coming! I'm coming.

- No, that's great. - It's broken.

- Now it's perfect. - That can't be...

That won't affect your aim at all. It's fine.

Look pretty comfortable with that thing, Thorne.

Well, I've had this since I started playing back in the seminary.

All right, guys. Locked and loaded.

Excellent. Let's split into teams, shall we?

- How about you and I are captains? - Okay.

Great. I'll take Amaar. Your pick, "Maggie."

- Did you just call me "Maggie"? - Guys.

As guest of honor, maybe I should pick the teams?

- Sure. - Everyone to the left of me, on one team.

And everyone to the right of me, on the other.

Uh, wait. Uh, Magee and I are on the same team?

Yeah, you guys will work together just fine.

Don't you think there's something strange about the teams?

Right. Uh, we should probably...

redo the mix because...

What's the problem?

Nothing. Go, team.

- Come on, guys. - All right.

Lock and load, lock and load!

All right, my friend...

Where are you going?

Rayyan needs me. She needs me!

She's half-naked, stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Isn't that great?

What the hell are you talking about?

THORNE: All right. Take a knee, everybody.

Here's how it's gonna go down.

DUNCAN: Well, so you're the self-appointed captain?

THORNE: Look, the enemy's closing in.

Can't we just let bygones be bygones and finally work together?

- You're right. - Thank you.

All right.

- Fred. Joe. - Yeah?

You're gonna track in opposite directions until you meet.

Nate, you're gonna snipe from that tree up there.

I'm gonna head down the middle.

- FRED: Beautiful. - And what about me?

You're gonna head in that direction alone

and make as much noise as possible.

- Roger that. - Yeah.

Wait, won't they spot me?

I hope so. Then, when they go for you, we strike.

- Gotcha. He's the bait. - DUNCAN: What?

Well, I wouldn't think of it like that. You're more of a sacrificial lamb.

Well, why should I die for you?

Look, now is a good time to ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"

Well, for starters, he wouldn't have a gun.

You're right? Leave the gun.

Let's move out.

So, who here has paintballed before?

I once took an art class.

That's not the same thing.

- My gun is filthy. - Baber.

Look, everyone, if we pretend that this is the woods...

Why pretend? This is the woods.

We're here.

So, we're gonna need to fan out to cover ground faster.

So, we're going to need a man here, here, here...

We cannot separate.

This place is full of jinn.

AMAAR: Relax, Faisal.

They're a lot more experienced than we are,

but if we have a strong plan, I really...

You know what? Let's just forget the plan and have fun out there.

Just try not to shoot each other.

- What did I just say? - That wasn't us.

Everyone, take cover.

- Hey! - Mom!

- Oh, Rayyan. - Oh, thank... Thank goodness you're here.

Oh, why are you so far from the road?

Well, I didn't wanna get seen, so I just kept going.

- And now, I've saved you. - Yeah.

- Where are my clothes? - Shoot! I knew I forgot something.

- Oh! What... - Oh! Let's get out of here!

MAN: Look out behind you.

This is my tree, Faisal. Go hide behind that bush.

- That bush is haunted. - Shoo!

Double kill shot.

Idiot.

All right, maybe that sundae was a mistake.

But I regret nothing.

Okay, maybe the nougat.

MAN: Run, run!

You can't shoot me in the back.

That's not a rule, Fred.

There are no rules in paintball.

Hey! I'm on a break.

You just said there are no rules in paintball.

Well played.

Ants on a log?

Oh, nice shot.

MAN 1: I got one!

MAN 2: Over there!

Can't let your guard down, Joe.

Going for a beer.

MAN: He's over there!

It's the boys. They're playing paintball.

No. I can't let anybody see me like this. I'll die.

No, you won't. I will.

What are you gonna do?

What needs to be done.

I'll create a distraction. You run for cover.

- I can't let you do that, Mom. - I have to do this.

It's for my baby.

- Thanks, Mom. - And remember,

I will always love you.

So, your little plan to get me picked off didn't work.

- I'm still in the game. - Yeah, yeah.

Shh! Somebody's over there. Fire blindly.

Was that...

- Nah. - Nah.

Oh, Mom, you made it through okay.

Yeah, almost.

Does it hurt?

Oh, no. Only where there's paint.

- I can't believe you did that for me. - I'd do it again.

Though, I'd probably run in more of a zigzag pattern.

I owe you one.

Oh, well, it's... It's my job.

- Give you a hug, but... - SARAH: Later.

Yeah.

DUNCAN: Who fires blindly?

THORNE: You have to fire blindly to protect yourself.

Protect ourselves? From whom?

I don't know. That's why I fired blindly. It's about faith.

Well, looks like it's down to the two of us.

The three of us.

Ooh, I like these odds.

I'm having a blast, you guys.

Thank you both for a great day.

- Well... - You know,

you two actually make a good team.

"Team?"

He's scheming, selfish and manipulative.

And you're my plucky sidekick.

The point is, you made this the perfect bachelor party.

No. The point is, I'm about to be crowned champion

in the tradition of great victories throughout history.

David over Goliath,

VHS over Beta,

- Christianity over Islam. - Okay, that's enough.

Nice try, but we're on the same team. Doesn't count.

No, but this does.

THORNE: Ah, bummer.

I was on a roll with that speech.

Finish it in paintball heaven.

That's a good one, Duncan.

Et tu, Amaar?

Hey, don't hate the player. Hate the game.

DUNCAN: Thorne was right.

- This is fun. - AMAAR: Yeah, it's a good day.

THORNE: Medic!

So, first, down goes Thorne, bam, then, Magee,

and I was the only one that didn't get splattered with any paint.

Huh! Me, too.

- What? - Nothing.

So, how was your party?

It went by so fast, it's almost like I wasn't there.

I must admit, your ant-to-log ratio is bang on.

And I must admit that paintball was a very good idea.

Amaar had fun and you were pretty good out there.

No, no, no. I... I was outstanding.

- Boy, you're hard to like. - Yeah.