Original subtitles

It's very sweet of you to walk me to work.

Well, it's always a pleasure to take the scenic route.

This is the scenic route?

- It is when I'm with you. - Aw.

Anyways, it's just nice for us to be here. No one can possibly interrupt us.

Yeah. Oh.

Do you want me to smash that?

No, thanks. I still have 76 months left on my contract.

- Dad's texting me. - Oh, that's nice.

Lebanon's beautiful, grandma's feeling better.

He'll be home in two weeks.

- The figs are ripe. - That is amazing.

- Yeah, it's fig season. - No.

You know what this means.

We don't have to wait to get married anymore?

What are you doing Saturday after next?

Marrying you.

Yes, you are.

- There you are. - Yes. Sorry I'm late. I am swamped.

Oh, is Baber still trying to get exercise DVDs banned from the library?

I wish. No, I'm preparing this brief for Islamic Aid International,

it's taking forever.

Isn't a brief supposed to be short?

- You'd think. - It's okay, I just got here myself.

The clinic is packed.

How are we ever going to plan a wedding in two weeks?

We'll just have to make quick decisions.

Quick decision. Grilled cheese or roast beef?

- Give us a minute, please. - Too slow.

Your wedding will be a disaster,

and we are all out of roast beef.

Okay, here's a quick decision.

Let's get married at my parent's place.

How are we going to fit 300 people in there?

We're not.

We don't have time to plan a big wedding, and also I did that already.

Yeah. J.J.

Right. We need to go a different direction.

How about you marry me this time?

Seriously, we can't have too small a wedding

because the community does have certain expectations of its imam.

Oh, you're right.

Well, we'll figure it out. We'll just find time to plan.

But right now, I've got to go.

Uh...

- We didn't order these. - I did. It was a quick decision.

Watch and learn. Then pay.

Baber! Baber! You have to help me.

- They're after me. - Who's after you?

This is nothing, it's a letter about your tax return.

Yeah, from the government.

I'm being persecuted like a criminal or a Muslim.

- What did you do? - Nothing, but this letter says otherwise.

- You're acting guilty. - I'm feeling guilty.

The government doesn't mail you saying thanks for being a good citizen.

Not unless you are a good citizen. I have three.

Look, I get nervous when I deal with authority, all right?

- I once cried in front of a parking cop. - That's a bad thing to do.

Yes, it is. I have the ticket to prove it, and that's why I came to you,

- Mr. Siddiqui Tax Services. - No doubt, my slogan impressed you.

"I declared a fatwa against high taxes."

Quite the opposite, but there was no one else to turn to.

Relax, Reverend Worry-Pants This letter, it's strictly routine.

- Oh, I wish I could be sure about that. - You can be, I'm 100 % certain.

See, that's why I came to you.

- I am Baber Siddiqui, tax specialist. - Of course.

Hi, Rose. I just came by to say I can't go for coffee today.

- Oh, so, you brought me one! - Oh.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Ew. Uh.

Cream and sugar. Who likes that?

I do.

So, why so busy?

Um, I have to plan a wedding in two weeks.

- Why so fast? Are you... - Yeah!

- Pregnant? - No. What? No.

No, I'm getting married very quickly.

Because you're pregnant.

- No. - Come on, you can tell me.

I won't judge.

Rose, trust me. I am not pregnant.

Oh, good, because I was really disappointed in you.

- Come on. - Okay.

If you need to get married in a hurry,

- we have lots of books that can help. - Great.

Wedding Bells and Baby Bonnets.

Evening Service, Morning Sickness.

From Prenup to Prenatal.

Rose, these are all for pregnant brides.

Oh, I guess they are.

But then why else would anyone plan a wedding in two weeks?

Unless they're out of their minds.

I'm beginning to think you're right.

- Hey, buddy. - What's up?

Well, my computer crashed while I was writing a Islamic...

- You know what? I don't have time to hang. - I don't wanna hang.

- I'm on official business. - Me, too. If you don't mind...

Sources say Rayyan has finally pinned you down to a wedding date. Confirm or deny?

- Yeah, Saturday after next. Bye. - Invitation accepted.

Now, my top secret sources tell me

that Fatima says it's gonna be a big wedding.

Nothing's been decided yet.

Word of warning. My fat cousin Noah had over 400 guests.

Fell off the chair during the hora and crushed five kids.

My wedding will not have a hora.

A wedding without a hora? Might as well not have a rabbi.

Is this really for an article?

- No. I just want to hang. - Bye.

There's the release form.

- Now, make the bad men go away. - In a jiffy.

One quick phone call and your problems will be gone

faster than a bowl of gulab jamun at Auntie Nina's.

I have no idea what that means.

You want the Muslim menace to solve your tax problem?

- Yeah. - Good luck with that.

Thanks. I think... Wait a minute. That sounds ominous.

It is, thanks to Captain Curry.

I've been audited every year since I used him.

- What, audited? - Yeah.

- Sounds painful. - Baber Siddiqui...

- Uh, sorry, wrong number. Hang up now. - What are you doing?

Just this. You're, uh... You're fired.

Phew!

I should have known better than to trust Whitey again.

Oh. I feel kind of bad.

It's 'cause he called you Whitey. Racism hurts.

Yeah.

I'm so excited you finally set a date. Tell me everything.

Um, well, that's pretty much it. We just decided this morning.

Details. What have you booked?

The hall, flowers, menu, guests?

All important things that we have not done yet.

Yeah, we've just been so busy.

But you only got two weeks.

Well, I guess if we had to,

we could postpone it until the Yasir's next visit.

What? No way.

- I want to be married to you yesterday. - Then you need to plan it last week.

If you don't have time, then hire a professional who does.

- Like a wedding planner? - Or your mother.

- You want to plan our wedding? - I thought you'd never ask.

- We didn't. - Okay, I'll do it.

Come on. Let's get right down to it.

- You had those ready to go, didn't you? - Maybe.

Hey, thanks for the tip about Baber. I never would have known.

Oh, no sweat, Rev.

You know, there's nothing worse than an incompetent accountant.

What are you talking about? He's a terrific accountant.

A tad too honest for my taste.

- What? - Well, I asked him to be all Muslimy

and shady, like those guys from Hamas who fudged the numbers.

- Yeah. - Instead, he kept jabbering on and on

about honesty and integrity.

So, you don't want an honest accountant?

No. It's the last thing you want from the guy doing your taxes.

No, an honest accountant is the first thing I want.

- You? Honest? - Yeah.

You lie all the time.

Well, now look, Fred.

It's one thing to lie to a child or to steal yarn from a kitten.

- But this is the government. - Hm-hm. Scaredy boy.

Maybe you and Baber are a match made in Muslim heaven.

- Enjoy your virgins. - What are you talking about?

Honest Ahab made me declare all my income, every last dime.

Then, he wouldn't let me write off my inflatable pool.

- Well, you can't write off your pool. - You sound just like Baber.

So, you wanted Baber to cheat on your taxes

- and he wouldn't let you? - Exactly. So, I fired him.

By the fishy beard of Jonah, what have I done?

Baber Siddiqui! Just the man I'm looking for.

Oh, for what, to belittle and deride me in front of the entire world?

No. Look, I thought it over, and I made a big mistake.

Oh, I see you made a mistake.

An honest mistake. Could happen to anyone.

- Exactly. - Of course. And now you need my help.

- Yes. - I see, so you're crawling on your belly,

back to me, begging for my help.

- Um, yes. - So, even though it is humbling

and humiliating for you, you are begging me,

like a dirty little beggar, to help you out in your hour of need.

- Yes. - Okay. I understand.

No. No bloody way, you muddy little beggar pirate.

Pirate? What?

Now, it is your turn to choke on the pride you swallowed.

After you took the best of what I had,

and then just threw me away like a piece of wet garbage.

I don't think it went down quite like that.

Oh, that is exactly how it went downwards, Mister Use-Once-And-Throw Away.

Couldn't I just use you twice and then throw you away?

No, sir. I'm not arguing with you.

I would never cross a member of the tax department.

I just wanted to assure you that I uh, I'm not some kind of a tax cheat.

You know?

I know you didn't call me a tax cheat.

I called me a tax cheat.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not.

I'm not implying that I am a tax cheat.

I don't know. I... I don't know why I said tax cheat.

I'm a bit nervous and I can't stop saying tax cheat.

Tax cheat!

Tax cheat! Yeah, I'm a tax cheat!

Okay, come get me.

What?

I look forward to your visit, sir.

Why don't you sit down and I'll show you what I've done so far.

You've made headway already. I'm so glad you stepped in.

Yeah, me, too. Thanks, Mom.

You hold your applause until I show you what I've done.

Now, close your eyes.

But I can't see with my eyes closed.

I want you to do some visualizations first.

Oh.

Visualize the most perfect day ever.

Your wedding day. Now, picture...

Never mind, open your eyes.

That was fast.

I know, I'm so excited. I can't wait any longer.

- Um, what's this? - It's a limo service from Regina.

I have booked the biggest limo they have.

- It holds 15 people. - But there's just two of us.

Well, you can use the extra space to relax in or enjoy the hot tub.

- We need a hot tub? - Where is your sense of occasion?

Speaking of which, how many doves do you want?

- 50 or 100? - A hundred doves?

Perfect. Why skimp?

It's more tasteful than setting off fireworks. Or is it?

I didn't know fireworks were on the table.

Oh, woops

The florist. I've got to take this.

Hey, Tom. Yeah. Oh! Just...

Um, how many rose petals do we need to line the sidewalk

from the mosque to the street?

BOTH: Uh...

Never mind. I'll ask Tom.

I'm gonna need petals. And I'm gonna need lots of them.

What have we done?

Handed our wedding over to a crazy person.

- Good morning, Rev. - Amaar, join me for some eggs florentine.

Uh... No, thanks. Coffee's fine.

This whole wedding circus has killed my appetite.

Wedding circus. That sounds fun. Dancing bears, trapeze artists.

Someone inevitably saying, "I never thought she'd marry this clown."

What are you talking about?

Sorry, I'm still kind of asleep. You were saying?

Well, Rayyan and I have been so busy with work

that Sarah's taken over the wedding.

Nice. A sucker to do all the dirty work.

Well, no, The problem is it doesn't feel like us.

But how do we say something without hurting Sarah?

Come on. How bad could it be?

Limos, rose petals and doves.

Oh, my. I had no idea Muslim weddings could be like normal weddings.

They can be.

But you know me being the imam,

I'm sure the community wants something a little more traditionally Islamic.

Sounds dreadful.

...Ly exciting. Yes.

But how do doves and stretch limos fit in with Islam?

They don't.

Which is why I can tell Sarah

to cancel them without hurting her feelings.

- Hm-hm. - You know what?

My appetite is back.

Dig in. I would love the company.

This might be my last meal before I'm carted off to debtor's prison.

I imagine this is how my Lord felt.

- Having troubles? - Not just troubles, tax troubles.

Why don't you hire Baber?

Two steps ahead of you, my friend. I've already hired and fired him.

I want him back. There's no way he'll work for me again.

Well, have you thought of apologizing?

Of course.

You're welcome.

- Hi, Mom. - Hey, here's my favorite couple?

- Excited about your wedding? - We certainly are.

- Yeah, we have some ideas, though. - Perfect, bring them on.

We love the work you've done.

Please. Please, it's no trouble.

- And we think you have some great ideas. - You're making me blush.

- It's just not really us. - Thank you. I... What?

Well, it's wonderful.

- It's just that we sort of... - What is it you're trying to say?

What are you trying to say, Amaar?

Your idea for a wedding is, um, ...

You hate it.

No, no, no, no, no. It's just, as imam,

the ceremony should be a little more Islamic.

Traditional. We should have spelled that out better.

Oh, my goodness, I'm so embarrassed.

- No need to be embarrassed. - Of course. I can do that.

- Traditional. - Don't feel bad, Mom.

No, this is our fault.

We have to make the time and do this ourselves.

No. Please give me a chance to make this right.

I won't let you down, I swear.

Okay, that's fine with us, Mom. Sure. Isn't it, Amaar?

Of course.

Baber! Baber, come on. You can't avoid me forever.

I can, and I will.

But I want to apologize for firing you.

- You do? - Yes, I made a big mistake

listening to Fred Tupper, and I'm very sorry.

You do sound sorry.

Yes. And I was wrong.

- That's right. You were wrong. - And you were right.

- You're not wrong about me being right. - And you'll work for me again, right?

- Wrong. - What if I paid you more?

It's not about the money, it's the principle.

- What principle is that? - The principle that you are out of luck.

Unless...

Ah, yes, unless what?

You get that Fred Tupper to stop boycotting my radio ad.

- What? - He refused to play my ad.

My wonderful, wonderful ad.

- So, you'll help me if he plays the ad? - Yes.

Ah, but what if he doesn't?

Then you will have to face the tax man all by yourself.

Also, my rate is now double.

Ah, you said this is about the principle, not the money.

On principle, I have to charge you more money.

What, uh...

Hey, Freddie, old pal.

Hey there, Revy. What can I do you for? Here for the arm wrestling ticks, huh?

Yeah, as culturally invigorating as that sounds, no, thank you.

- I'm here to buy some air time. - Oh, no problemo.

Trying to lure the heathens back into Mercy Anglican?

No, no, it's not for the church. It's for

uh, Siddiqui Tax services.

Woah, no way, padre.

Not enough money in the world to get me to air that spot. I refuse on principle.

Come on. When did everyone decide to get so principled?

Look, what will it take for you to air that ad, hmm?

There's nothing that I want from Baber Siddiqui.

Come on, surely there's something.

Rev, I care about one thing. Ratings.

And since there's nothing he can do to boost my audience,

it'll be a mosquito-free summer at Mercy

before I let that ad pollute the airwaves again.

Fred, help a reverend out here.

Sorry, Rev, but there's no quid pro bono vox here, you know?

I mean, if you could do a little something for me, maybe,

some kind of a gesture that would really boost my audience.

- Well, then maybe. - I'll do whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes?

Okay, just have a seat again.

You wanted traditional, you got it.

Tada

A traditional Pakistani groom's hat.

- I can see that. - SARAH: And more good news.

I talked to the zoo

and they have an elephant you can ride in on.

An elephant? Mom, you can't be serious.

A traditional Pakistani wedding is way more exciting than I realized.

I can't speak for Rayyan,

- but this isn't what I had in mind. - No, you can speak for me.

If you don't want the elephant, we can go with horses.

- I'm fine with either - Look, Sarah. I think it's wonderful

that you're trying to give us a perfect wedding.

It really is.

I feel a "but" coming.

But I'm not sure this represents us as a couple, either.

- So, what do you want? - A day that's really special.

A day that holds meaning for us both,

and the day that we can share with the people we care most about.

Yeah, that sounds perfect.

So, what does that look like?

I think that's something you and I are going to have to figure out ourselves.

- I hope that's okay. - No, no, I get it.

So, that's a maybe on the hat, right?

Baber, tax man's coming. You got to help me.

I still have not heard my ad.

- Please, please, help a Reverend out here! - No ad, no help.

So, Reverend, can you explain why Line 109 is double of what it was last year?

Uh...

- Inflation. - What does this have to do with inflation?

Well, it's easy. You just carry the two and divide by 12 and, uh...

Uh.

Fine, fine. You you got me dead to rights.

But can we avoid the whole perp walk if I go quietly?

- Be a man. - What?

Please, isn't there a soft spot in your heart

for a poor Anglican minister?

- I'm Jewish. - I'm screwed.

BABER: Does your tax return make your head explode?

Let Siddiqui Tax Services blow you away.

Personal tax! Business tax! Sales tax!

Siddiqui Tax Services is A1!

Refer a friend to get a free samosa.

Nice ad, eh?

- Professor Siddiqui? - Bobby Nulman.

Do you remember me?

I remember all my students. You were front row at my tax seminar.

404 decimals: the dot which counts.

Your seminar changed my life. It gave me purpose.

That's sad.

Go on.

I'll never forget your words.

"The net realizable value can be determined by subtracting the estimate

- "of uncollectible accounts..." - From accounts receivable.

Yes, I was always ready with a good zinger.

Look, I think it's too late Baber, he knows about line 109.

- Line 109. - It's a tad confusing.

Not at all. It only seems high.

But that is because the Reverend has claimed petrol expenses.

He travels to visit sick parishioners

and give them their little miniature bread wafers.

Is that it? I administer the Eucharist to people who can't come to church.

Great. That's it.

Really? You came all this way for that?

We could have handled this over the phone,

but you told me you were a tax cheat 17 times.

Well, 18.

I can review your return if you like.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's quite all right. Thank you.

- Bobby. - Baber.

Professor Siddiqui. Realizable value.

What did I tell you? Easy-peasy.

Now, you tell me. How did you get Fred to run my ad?

Uh.

And we're still looking for volunteers for the clothing drive, okay?

Finally, uh, before you go out into the world

to spread the peace and joy of Christ,

uh, listen to your hearts, listen to God Almighty,

and above all, listen to Fred Tupper on CFRZ.

That's right, Fred Tupper, the only name in local radio entertainment.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

as your guest speaker today, please welcome Fred Tupper.

- Thanks, Rev. - Yeah.

Well, people of Mercy, it is so good to be finally speaking to you in person.

You know, that you're right there, right in front of me.

Know that I can look you in the eyes and finally share all the...

Where'd everybody go?

Come on, Fred. Nobody stays for the announcements.

Oh, can you lock up on your way out?

You know, you never told me what you want our wedding to be like, other than small.

Oh, well, I haven't really thought about the day itself.

I was just more focused on what comes after.

Inappropriate.

- Meaning our new life together. - Yeah.

Well, you know,

- I have the perfect idea for us. - Huh?

Rayyan Hamoudi, will you marry me here?

Amaar, this is perfect. The spot where we got engaged.

I was thinking we could have a intimate ceremony out here,

followed by a bash with our friends and family.

And speaking of family...

Hi. It's perfect, just like Rayyan said.

This is going to be the most amazing wedding ever.

If this was your idea,

I can't wait to hear the rest of your wedding plans.

Well, we still got a lot to figure out, but this is a good start.

It's probably not too late to book that elephant.