Original subtitles

Reverend Thorne, I was walking by your office,

- and I found this box marked "junk." - Fascinating.

You don't mind if someone takes it?

Why would I mind? It's junk.

- Excellent. - Why is that?

Look at this lamp. It's lovely.

- You like it? - I do.

You're right. This is perfectly good.

So it was a mistake?

It certainly was.

- And this picture frame? - I've been looking everywhere for that.

How'd that wind up in the trash?

Oh, another mistake.

Yes. You know, this box is clearly mislabeled.

It should read, "For Sale."

I'll give you $10 for the whole box.

- Fifteen. - Eight.

Sold.

Sucker.

- That must have really hurt. - Yes.

Tell me it's good news about Amaar's apartment.

- Yeah, very good news. - Thank God.

- Yousef is alive. - Ceiling kaboom.

- And there's the bad news. - The ceiling collapsed?

Yousef need hard hat.

If only you called me about the leak sooner.

How could ignoring a major issue lead to something so negative?

How am I gonna tell Amaar?

No need. He'll figure it out. It's hard to miss no ceiling.

Yeah. You know, I think this is partially my fault.

You ignored a leak and the ceiling collapsed.

Yes, that's the part.

Now Amaar's never gonna trust me.

Hey, Reverend. Sarah.

Can I move out of my office now?

Ceiling kaboom. His fault.

Tell me Yousef is confused.

- Not about that. - Quick question, Amaar.

How do you like skylights?

- Not a fan. - Hmm.

What about gaping holes?

I'm off to City Hall for a permit.

- I'll go with ya. - No.

You said I was gonna be back in there today.

I also said that you could stay with me in the meantime.

No. Friends stay with friends and we're not friends.

Ah, but we could be if you stayed with me.

Remember, you're gonna help me be a better man

and I've got an ice cream maker.

Reverend, let's not upset this détente.

I'm gonna be in my office until you sort this out.

It also makes frozen yogurts...

if that sweetens the pot.

No?

Hi, baby. No time to talk. Bye, baby.

Mom? Mom!

- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing?

Ah, gasping through the last paces of a marathon?

The finish line is City Hall.

There's still some issues with Amaar's apartment.

That explains why you're running through town like a maniac.

Yeah, it's healthier than driving through town like a maniac.

Didn't you already go for your morning run?

Yeah, but I figured one run keeps you young,

two runs keeps you younger.

Since when do you care about that?

Since I got an invitation to the Blue Hair Insurance.

Oh.

That seniors car insurance thing?

Obviously an error.

Oh, come on. You drive super slow,

you signal well in advance, and there's hard candy in the console.

- You're a perfect candidate. - That's not my candy.

Stay hydrated.

- Are the repairs done? - Good news.

The repairs aren't necessary.

There's no gaping hole in my apartment.

- No. - Good.

There is no apartment.

Yeah, I know. It's now more of a flat.

You know, that the city claims that your apartment doesn't exist.

Yeah, they're iffy on God too. We disagree on things.

What I'm trying to say is, the church isn't zoned residential.

No.

No, no, no, no.

You can't argue with the letter, Amaar.

- An eviction notice! - I'm sorry.

Well, at least I have until...

Immediately to get out.

Wow. Look at all this junk from upstairs.

It is not junk. It is valuable memorabilia.

Okay, semi valuable.

This is from the first time I failed to solve a Rubik's Cube.

And look at my pictures from my trip to the lake.

Yikes.

Ruined everything. And I've got nowhere to live.

The homeless imam. Sleeping in doorways will give you the common touch, and fleas.

You know what? You're not helping.

It's not that dramatic.

You can start looking for a new place tomorrow.

Yeah, but I have nowhere to go tonight.

Well, you got your wish.

I've been recalled to Toronto?

No. Your other wish. Where I stay with you.

- You've changed your mind about me. - Not a bit.

- You're changing your mind about me? - No.

- You're thinking of doing it? - No.

You realize it's either this or nothing.

Don't make me toss again.

Yeah, I knew you'd come around.

I've just been evicted from my illegal apartment, thanks to you.

Ah, there's no need to thank me.

It's late. I'm tired.

Surprisingly, there's no place else for me to go.

Well, I am happy to provide a refuge for a man in need.

A respite for a lost soul, a home to a wandering...

- AMAAR: Just let me in. - My pleasure.

Really? Is this how you plan on spending your evening?

You're the one watching me.

I didn't invite me to dinner.

- I didn't invite you. - Let's not point fingers.

Let's start cooking for me.

- You're in luck. I just went to the store. - Good.

I've got, uh, rice cakes, mashed yeast,

gluten-free gluten, and a root vegetable platter.

If we're going to eat out, we might as well see a film.

No, I have to stay healthy.

Besides, there's nothing playing.

Cassie McTavish.

Is that the actress who's in rehab?

- Oh, she is so good, - No, she's a journalist.

She's speaking next week in Regina.

Has the ship sailed on that root vegetable sampler?

Cassie and I backpacked together through Europe.

- And you were screaming because... - She looks great.

Oh, she's gonna wanna to visit. Look at me. I'm old.

She looks just as old as you do.

Well, that's the problem.

I have to look younger or she wins.

- I thought you're friends. Oh. - Great friends.

They're the worst. You better start the aerobics.

- I know. - Come on, Grandma. Let's move!

ANN: Come on, let me see you sweat.

- I am. - Step it up.

Ow.

It's much more satisfying trashing a real person than the computer.

And maybe, one day you will actually do that.

Ho-ho. Is that trash-talk?

Wow. We're really bonding.

Cool. Nice punch. Lose bag.

Did you call me lose bag?

That didn't come out right.

Come on. I wasn't even ready.

Fine. Are you ready now?

Wait. Wait, wait.

Okay, now.

Seriously, why do you get the good controller?

Best five out of nine?

Good night, Rev.

Okay, so it's a draw. Rematch tomorrow night.

How do you like your nachos?

In the new place I'll be staying at tomorrow.

Sleep on it. You'll feel different in the morning.

No? Good night.

RAYYAN: Oh, Mom...

I got here as soon as I could.

Wow, your ankle looks terrible.

It looked better before I ran over here.

Was that a mistake?

- Let's check your range of movement. - Okay. Ow!

Mmm-hmm. No range of movement.

Oh, just give whatever gets people kicked out of wrestling.

- I got to hit the gym. - You're not going anywhere.

You have to stay off this leg.

No way. I'm not gonna be couch-bound like some senior citizen. Ow!

Well, I suppose you could still get around.

- Good. - With a cane.

- No. - What's the problem?

Old people use canes.

People pretending to be young to impress old friends do not use canes.

Mom, you're being silly.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

You're gonna risk permanent damage to your ankle to fool an old friend.

Oh, so you do understand. Ow!

- Good morning. - There you are, sleepyhead.

I made some French toast, a raspberry reduction, crème fraîche and turkey bacon.

Wow, you did not have to put yourself out for me.

Nonsense. I do this every morning.

- Mini quiche? - AMAAR: Uh...

- Okay. Thank you. - My pleasure.

Hey, how'd you sleep?

As good as I have in days. My neck has never felt better.

Yeah, that's a Tempur-Pedic mattress for you.

Casa Thorne is pretty luxurious compared to my room up in the attic.

Most attics pale in comparison to my vicarage.

Plus, when you live alone, no one makes you such lavish breakfasts.

I know. Living alone is so lonely.

I'm not lonely.

Oh, me neither.

Thanks for letting me stay.

I called the Wispinskis this morning and they have a room to rent.

But Mrs. Wispinski makes terrible French toast.

Everyone knows. She has a heavy hand with the cinnamon.

This breakfast looks great, but I'm running late.

So, I'm just gonna grab this and a coffee to go.

I didn't think of that.

It's okay. I'll grab one at Fatima's.

No, wait. You're missing out

on the passion fruit-agave smoothie.

Mom, I brought you a cane, and I want you to use it.

No point letting your vanity get the best of you.

Oh, honey, you know me better than that.

I'm sorry, Shrek. I'm looking for my mom.

It's Crème du Sol masque.

- It makes me look years younger. - And delicious.

- What is that? Avocado? - No, don't be silly.

This is made out of the finest anti-aging ingredients.

"Culled from all the corners of the Earth."

But, yes, it's mainly avocado.

- What are the spoons for? - The silver shrinks away wrinkles.

This is amazing stuff.

It firms, retards, tightens, shrinks, plumps, and reduces...

It shrinks your cutlery drawer.

There's lots of this left, honey. You should use this before it's too late.

Don't make the same mistake that I did. Take my advice.

- Hang on to your youth. - And take my advice.

Hang on to your cane.

- No way. It makes me look old. - Mom.

No one cares about the cane except you.

You'll see.

Nobody on the street even noticed I had a cane.

- See? What'd I tell ya? - It's a fashion statement.

- It takes years off. - Ha-ha.

Sarah, what happened?

You're crippled.

- Are you okay? - No. I'm fine.

It's a fashion statement.

The statement is you look like my nani jaan.

She has the same cane.

I don't know who nani jaan is, but I bet she's old.

Very, very old and clumsy due to her advanced age.

- Much like you. - Sarah, ignore him

- and order. - Thanks for your support. Just a coffee.

Ah, ah, ah. Coffee leads to osteoporosis.

Ask your daughter, the doctor.

Here, have Fred's milk

Dry corn flakes is a small price to pay so gimpy's bones don't shatter to dust.

I appreciate your concern, but don't make a fuss.

No problemo.

Woman gets to be a certain age, she needs people to look out for her.

Fred, my mom is the same age as you.

Wow.

That really puts my mortality in perspective.

I cannot face Cassie like this.

Mom, don't be silly.

- Silly? - Yes. Silly, dotty, confused.

Are you getting any of this, hm?

Quickly drink your milk.

Ow! Sub-hanallah!

Reverend.

Mrs. Wispinski. What brings you here? Is that a rental agreement I see?

Yes. Well, it seems that Amaar

is going to be moving into little Alvin Jr.'s old room.

That is wonderful.

You know, you are the model of a tolerant Anglican

to take in Amaar with all of his Muslim-e habits.

Oh, habits?

- Just all the chanting at night. - He chants?

Oh, dear.

And I'm sure I don't have to mention the curry stench.

- Curry? - Yeah, he curries everything.

He curries curry. Yeah, the smell even gets in the ice cubes.

But, hey, better you than me, right?

Oh, well, you know, I mean, little Alvin Jr.

Really might want his old room back someday.

His wife's a real pill.

Oh.

Oh, Mrs. Wispinski. Just the person I was coming to see.

My future landlady. Let's sign that agreement.

I'm sorry, Amaar, but we've had a change of heart.

Oh.

I guess I could find something else.

Yes. Good luck with that.

- Okay, then. - That's not very Christian.

At least you're hooked up with me, right?

I've got four kinds of coffee for you tomorrow morning.

Thanks, Rev. But you've done enough.

Oh.

I'm sure there's a little more I can do.

Well, I'm sure you can stay with Rayyan.

Hello. Muslim.

Oh, right. Silly me.

Although she could move in with Sarah. I'm sure she'd be happy to.

Really? You think she'd make that sacrifice for you?

Yeah, you're right. Rayyan is generous to a fault

and I don't want to disrupt

the lives of my fiancée and future mother-in-law.

Uh, I wonder why finding a place is so difficult.

Tell me about it.

It's as if some kind of force is working against me.

Hm, I think that's just God's way

of telling you that you should stay with me.

Eating with your left hand?

It's un-Islamic. Get out!

- Unless you prefer Baber. - I don't think so.

Layla's at college. He's got all that room.

Assalamu alaikum, Baber, you seem extra Baber-y today.

I was up late watching the classic movies.

You like the classics?

To loudly correct them. They are so un-Islamic.

From Here to Eternity, an eternity in hell.

Oh, yes, all that kissing.

The man shows his bare knees and Deborah Kerr is a strumpet.

I've watched that film 12 times.

Wow. Hey, Baber, did you know

that your imam is looking for a place to live?

I wouldn't want to impose.

It is no imposition. It is a sin to live in a big house alone.

I wouldn't call it a sin.

That is why you are so bad at your job. Come, stay with me

and I will teach you the true meaning of Islam.

How can you say no to that?

If you come now, you can help me yell at Gone with the Wind.

Frankly, my dear, I do give a damn.

- Baber, that is a very generous... - Don't say no yet. Think about it.

You can stay in Layla's room.

- I hope you like unicorns. - THORNE: Uh-huh?

- Never gonna happen. - Yeah. I'd rather sleep in a ditch.

You know what? I'm just gonna go to the motel until this is all sorted out.

The motel?

All right.

Directory assistance? Yes.

I'd like the number for the Prairie Scene Motel.

Got the curler. Got a double double.

- My tea? - I knew I forgot something.

- Can I get my change? - I might need that for later.

Can I get that for you, Limpy?

No. Let it go to voicemail.

Gotcha. Creditors?

No, it's Cassie. She's in town. I've been dodging her all day.

I know that makes me look petty and small.

You don't look small.

- I just don't want to be Cane Girl. - So don't use it.

Right, I'll just fall down a lot.

You've been getting along here fine without it.

You're right. I have.

So, stash the cane, invite her over to your place.

- Then what? - Rearrange the furniture.

Use it for balance. She'll never suspect a thing.

We are brilliant.

Oh, so it's "we" now?

Poor Amaar.

I can't tell you how torturing it is

to know that you don't have a place to move in to.

- I'll come up with something. - Of course.

- If I have any say in the matter. - Very thoughtful.

I've been going through the paper, and I've circled some ads for ya.

Look at that.

"Garage for rent."

Ah, read on. It's a heated garage.

No? What about this one here?

"Elderly woman seeks companion. Must be able to read Ukrainian."

- Yeah. - I can't do that.

Yeah, those Slavic languages are bare.

But what about this? "Nice little two-bedroom flats."

- In Regina! - Sure.

I'm not gonna be doing the 60k commute.

Of course not. What was I thinking?

"Earn up to $900 a day working in the comfort of your own home"?

Yeah, that was just something that caught my eye.

Look, you're welcome to stay here

for as long as you need to. Okay? All right.

Good luck with the hunt.

Thanks, Rev.

Hello, Thorne residence.

Yeah. No, you just missed him. Can I take a message, please?

Yes. Prairie Scene Motel.

Ah-ha.

You want the credit card numbers so he can hold all the rooms he's booked.

Yes. Yes, I will definitely give him that message.

Thank you.

- Okay, we're all set. This is gonna work. - Absolutely. Let's rehearse.

- I'll be Sarah. You be Cassie. - But I'm Sarah.

Fine. Don't take a risk.

You be Sarah, and I'll be the sexy Cassie.

No, just be regular Cassie.

It's a stretch, but I'll try.

Be a lamb and get me a glass of sparkling water.

Of course, Cassie.

I can pull this off.

There's only one problem. She's not British.

That's the only accent I do well.

That's not true. I love your Southern belle.

Oh, oh, ah.

Colonel, I do declare, I'd love a wedge of lime.

Okay, you can drop the act.

No, seriously. I need a wedge of lime.

It's go time.

Hi, you're still here.

What a totally unexpected but welcome surprise.

How fortunate that I got two Cornish hens.

I'm on to you, Reverend.

All right. They're runt chickens, but they're the closest I could get.

First, Mrs. Wispinski changes her mind.

Next, there's a problem with the motel.

No room at the inn?

Funny thing. They just called to confirm your reservation of all 14 rooms.

All right, look. In my defense, I never intended to actually pay.

I can't believe you did this.

Can we talk about this?

I'll preheat the oven. You can chop shallots.

Bag is packed.

That's a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

- What's he doing here? - Chop your own shallots.

- I'm out of here. - Really?

You'd rather stay with him in some one-bedroom tenement

that reeks of despair?

I'll have you know, I stopped using that cologne.

I switched to a little something I call "restraining order."

- If you can smell it, you're too close. - Nate, let's go.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be back.

Trust me. You'll be back.

You know you'll be back.

He'll never be back.

SARAH: I'm so glad you could make it, Cassie.

What a lovely home.

Well, thank you. I decorated it myself.

Oh, oh!

Is this supposed to be here?

Yes, it's very feng shui.

A bookcase near a table is very good Chi.

Sarah, you know, after traveling in Paris, I never would have imagined

that you'd end up here in this quaint, rustic, tiny...

- I mean, did I say quaint? - As a matter of fact,

uh, Mercy is the binder twine capital of the province.

Binder twine capital.

Ooh!

- Oh, Are these... These are golf clubs. - Yes.

More feng shui. Lots and lots of feng shui.

Golf clubs in the dining room drives away the daily gloom.

So feng shui rhymes now?

I took a course in feng shui, and this is all wrong.

Oh, yeah, you see, you're thinking Mandarin feng shui.

This is Cantonese feng shui.

It's all about straight lines and noodles.

No, it's any kind of feng shui.

In fact, this entire room is an invitation to bad...

SARAH: Oh, Cassie!

Are you all right?

What? Did you not see the fan? What are you, blind?

Yes, I am.

I need my glasses.

Hey, roomie.

How did the, uh, love seat treat you last night?

Fine, thanks, Nate, but it's not really a love seat.

How did the arm chair treat you?

You can't call it an arm chair after the arms have fallen off.

- All right. Well, how did the... - I slept badly.

Yeah, my place sucks.

I don't know why you left Thorne's. That place is sweet.

Thorne sabotaged my plans to move out.

So? You had a bed as soft as a cloud, video games, home-cooked meals.

His fridge even has a door.

Yeah, but that doesn't excuse his manipulation.

- He's just trying to make you stay. - Maybe.

Yes, you're right. Could it be that he's really that lonely?

I think you know what you need to do.

You're right.

You stay at my place, I'll go there.

- Can you believe we were so vain? - Oh.

Why didn't I just wear my glasses?

Why didn't I just use my cane?

I was so worried about looking old.

So was I. And you know what?

- You look terrific. - You look amazing.

- No, you look like a vision. - You could stop traffic.

Well...

Two specials, one for Squinty and one for Hop-along.

Well, at least we look good.

Well, I'll have to take your word for it.

Well, I hope you learned your lesson.

Oh, I certainly did. More risotto ai funghi?

Oh, please.

You can't manipulate someone into becoming your friend.

- Too true. Your glass is empty. - Thank you.

And you certainly can't buy friendship.

Oh, that's the chocolate soufflé.

Rayyan told me it was your favorite.

- Yeah, especially with a little bit of... - Raspberry drizzle.

Okay, enough.

Look, I really appreciate all these four course meals.

Five course meals.

But if I'm gonna stay here, we need to establish some ground rules.

- Okay. Hm-hm. - No more lying.

No more manipulation.

No more trying to win me over with these fancy meals.

Amaar, you're right. I'm sorry. Let me just, uh...

Okay, look, there is no point in wasting this good food.

I hear you, buddy.

- No buddy. - Right. Cohort?

- No. - Compadre?

- No. - Uh, opponent?

- Opponent works. - Best nine out of 17?