Original subtitles

Hey, what's in the news?

Oh, big, big stuff.

Turns out that two-headed two-tailed snake that Joe found was actually two snakes.

- Speaking of two for one, come to Daddy. - You're reading the flyers?

There's two for one pork chops at Eaty-Meaties.

- You won't need that, right? May I? - Help yourself.

You know who else used to love coupons? My 90-year-old nani.

Really? Mine, too, yes.

Granny, Aunt Whistle and I, we used to organize them by section and store. Oh.

Those golden Sundays.

Wait. You're mocking me.

Sorry. It's just that I don't consider you the coupon-clipping type.

Haven't you heard? Jesus saves.

He could feed a family of 400 for as little as two bucks,

which, ironically, was a lot back then.

Is that historically accurate?

Records are sketchy. The point is, times are tough. Money is tight.

Yes, for all of us.

Especially since I bought Rayyan that engagement ring.

THORNE: Bartlett pears?

Back when I was at the firm, that won't be an issue.

But you don't become an imam for the money.

That's why you should respect the coupon.

Last week, I bought all my groceries for 50 bucks.

Yeah, but...

- Fifty bucks? - Hm-hm

Ha

- Thirty three cents off yogurt. - Dibs.

It's my paper, so, they're my coupons.

Amaar, come on.

Let's be mature about this, all right?

There's something on your...

Shirt.

Whoa!

Snazzy shoes.

I've been eyeing them for months. They as comfortable as the ads say?

Ah, yes, "like wearing chubby, little cows on your feet."

They need to work on their slogan.

How does a small town imam afford designer shoes?

Those big city imams, sure. Those cats are probably loaded. But you?

- They were a gift from Rayyan. - Of course, right. Yeah, your sugar mama.

What?

Rayyan is not my sugar mama.

Oh, your mouth says, "No." Your shoes say, "Rayyan's a sugar mama."

Actually, giving gifts is encouraged in Islam.

Of course, I know how much you people love packages.

- Oh, I think it's a clock. - Fred.

Relax, will you?

Do you know how lucky you are? I wish I had a sugar mama.

- Maybe, Rayyan can buy me one. - She's not my sugar mama.

Right. You're not a kept imam.

- What was that? - What was what?

- The wink. - What wink?

- That wink! - Did I wink?

- Fred, you're an idiot. - Oh, am I?

Eh.

Faisal, want to play dominoes?

No, I'm tired of your ruthless slam downs.

Sorry.

I don't suppose you want to play dominoes.

Oh, thanks for offer, but I'm not into tiresome games

- with people I don't much care for. - Ah, Faisal won't be there.

I'm not being clear.

Uh, no, I don't do dominos.

I was whelped and weaned on Goren's.

Goren's? You mean bridge?

I'm surprised you got that. That was meant to go over your beanie.

I love bridge!

Really? Someone in this town who actually plays bridge, huh?

There's hope for civilization.

Ha-ha!

You did not expect a brownie to crush you whiteys at your own game.

I am that brownie.

- And I accept your challenge, brownie. - Only I can call me brownie.

Right. Sorry. So, bridge, my place, sundown?

- To the death! - To the death?

Fine. Uh...

Loser buys snacks!

Sure.

I'm taking a break. You wanna grab a coffee?

No time. I've to find a top-notch bridge partner.

Bridge? Like the card game bridge? Because I love card games, all card games.

Maybe Fred. He's a fierce competitor, loves to win.

- I won a Spelling Bee. - Good for you.

Grade three, but still, it was a tough word. Ukulele.

From the Hawaiian, a four-stringed guitar, the luau took off...

- I don't need you to use it in sentence. - Ukulele.

I need someone who's good with numbers.

What about Joe? He's a math whiz.

The square root of nine,834 is 57.

- Amazing. - And hard to confirm.

Rev, have you thought that maybe

your dream bridge partner is right under your nose?

Yousef?

He's likeable, but bridge is a complicated...

Strong two, weak three,

- thirteen or better to open? - You play?

- Yes! - You think you could teach Yousef?

- Just pick me. - You?

- You want to be my partner? - Of course.

Why didn't you say something?

- Hey, snazzy shoes. - Thank you.

- My beautiful fiancée got them for me. - Well, I'm sure it was her pleasure.

She's engaged to a wonderful man.

- Good morning, Fred. - Ah, morning, sugar.

Mama.

Fatima, I'm gonna get my sandwich and coffee to go today.

- I have some patients waiting already. - Oh, I will get that for you.

- Oh, I thought there was a ten in here. - I've heard that one before.

No, I can...

- No problem. I'll get yours, too. - Mama.

- Are you sure? - Of course.

- Anything for my future husband. - Aw.

Thank you. That's very generous of you.

Mama.

We get it, Fred!

It went down wrong. Little water here.

Rev, it's so nice of you to host Baber for us.

It's the least I can do for trouncing you both.

- Ah, we'll trounce, you. - We'll see. Sarah will be here any minute.

Wa... wait. Please tell me Sarah is bringing your partner.

No, Sarah is my partner.

Please tell me Sarah's bringing a partner

whose name also is Sarah, but whom we have never met.

No, just regular Sarah.

Oh, beating Sarah's like taking cabbage from a baby.

- Don't you mean candy? - No. I'd take candy from a baby.

Cabbage makes me gassy.

Easy, Baber, you're talking about my best friend

who stinks at bridge.

I don't understand. She knows the rules.

Knowing the rules of cricket doesn't make me Imran Khan.

- I don't know who that is. - The worst thing,

- she doesn't care if she wins or loses. - What?

- You mean... - Yes, to her, bridge is just a game.

Dear God.

- Hey, guys. - Sarah Hamoudi,

- my best friend in the whole world. - Aw.

What is this, Sarah?

- Look what I got. Nanaimo! - Ooh.

- Look at that. - This is gonna be so much fun.

- Yeah! - Look at that.

A perfect night.

In hell.

Light good?

Um...

Actually, I liked my bank balance better when I couldn't see it.

- Amaar sad. - Hey, your English is improving.

I have a new hat on my bucket.

Ah-ha.

Amaar sad.

Talk Yousef.

You won't understand.

Look, it's just that, um, I know it shouldn't matter that I have no money.

I guess I just want to show that I can provide for my fiancé.

- You've no idea what I'm saying. - Rayyan, money.

- Amaar, no money. - Amaar sad.

- Hm. - Oh.

Well.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, you just trumped your own trick again.

It's like winning twice.

No, no. This is more like losing by 800 points.

I forgot what a kick I get off playing bridge.

- Who wants more soda? - No. At least you're having fun.

Somebody, kill me now.

This is why we quit playing bridge.

Next time we'll replace her with someone else.

- Anyone else. - BABER: Wonderful idea.

You know what your reward is for having such a wonderful idea?

I get to tell her she can't come anymore?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, Sarah, what a surprise to run into you right where you are every morning.

Reverend, thank you so much for last night.

Yes. Bridge. She's talking about bridge.

- I can't wait for the next game, - Right, about the next game.

- There's a problem. - Really, there is?

Yeah, well, it's just one person at the table didn't quite fit in.

That, I know. Baber totally wrecked the whole bridge night.

Baber? No, Baber's an aggressive bidder who knows his way around at math.

I know. He's terrible,

but you can't kick him out. It would crush him.

- Well, surely he'd get over it. - I can't see how.

Oh, I suppose there's nothing we can do.

You could say that something came up

and cancel the evening, then have the game behind his back.

- Would that work? - Yes, of course.

But it would be wrong.

But, and let me be perfectly clear about this, it would work.

What are you saying?

Sarah, I hate to tell you, but the game has been canceled.

- What? Why? - Well, something came up.

- Oh, shame. - Yeah, your feelings are okay, right?

Sure, of course. It's not like it's anything personal.

- Rain check? - Yes, absolutely.

I can't wait for the next match.

Wow, Amaar, this place is so nice.

Yeah, I read about it in the paper. They said it was amazing.

Hoo!

Consider me amazed.

Isn't this a bit out of your price range?

- Don't worry about it. I've come prepared. - Okay.

Welcome to Sir Stanley's. May I take your order?

Ah, yes. I will have the chef's salad.

Rayyan, you don't have to order the cheapest thing on the menu.

- We can afford a real meal. - You sure?

- Sky's the limit. - Okay.

I actually had my eye on the bison steak,

and for a drink, I feel like something fun.

A virgin margarita.

Excellent choice, madam, and for sir?

Uh, Is the salmon fresh?

- Always, sir. - Then I will have a chef's salad.

- Excellent. And then? - Just a salad.

- I see. Wow. And to drink? - Water.

- Okay. Sparkling or? - Tap.

Well, I hope you and your sister enjoy your evening.

- Oh, no, he's my fiancé. - Lucky girl.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Had me quite a little laydown there. Cross-reffed the diamonds and spades,

pulled the last heart and ran my clubs.

- Beat you like a dozen eggs. - Now this is bridge.

I have to admit,

when people play properly, it even takes the sting out of losing.

Oh-oh. There it is.

Hey, you know, Rev, I joined a health club recently.

Yeah, actually, I joined three clubs at the same time.

Three clubs.

- Didn't have the heart to pick just one. - Stop it.

- How did you break the news to Sarah? - I told her it was canceled.

Cowardly.

- Yeah. - I like it.

Shamefully dishonest, but with a certain elegance.

Yeah, once again, Reverend Thorne is the all-conquering hero.

Hi, Sarah.

I got this.

- It's not how it looks. - You're playing bridge without me.

- It's exactly how it looks. - You lied to me.

You lied to her?

- As her best friend, I'm appalled. - She isn't playing, is she?

I've heard the stories.

Sarah, look, in my defense, I didn't expect you to find out.

I brought you these cookies for being such a good sport last night.

THORNE: Oh.

Sarah...

She's making it very hard to enjoy these cookies.

Hm.

Oh.

Sir Stanley is a greedy little knight.

But I've got it covered.

- I brought a coupon. - Of course you did.

So, this should be just fine because with this, we get a free entrée.

Fifty percent off with this.

This one gives us a free dessert, and the rest is cash, my friend.

Lucky me.

This isn't fair. I'm the one who had the big dinner.

Why are you uncomfortable with me paying for stuff?

You buy me stuff all the time. The least I can do is buy you dinner once.

I have a good job and very few expenses.

I don't want you to slap down your credit card every time I'm in a bind.

I'm so sorry, sir, but these coupons are only good Tuesday through Friday

- and today is... - Saturday.

Yes.

Oh, you're paying. I win the bet with the chef.

Thank you.

And Abraham begat Isaac, Isaac begat Jacob.

And, uh, skip to the end, and there's us.

And that's why evolution's a crock. Okay? Excuse me.

Amaar, I have a bone to pick with you.

- That should be good. - You're making me a better man.

- I've been trying to. - Well, it's working.

- That's good. - No, it's not.

I lied to Sarah, and now she's hurt or something.

And now I'm racked with what I assume is guilt ever since.

Thanks to you.

- I don't believe you actually feel guilty. - Which is ridiculous.

I mean, I've always gotten along fine

doing and and saying the easiest, most self-serving thing

until you wrecked it.

Great. Now I feel bad for blaming you. What have you done to me?

- No offense. - Calm down, Reverend.

You're feeling this way because you did something thoughtless.

- To counter it, do something nice. - Ah.

I've been eyeing a jacket for days.

- For Sarah. - No, no. It wouldn't suit Sarah.

- She doesn't have the shoulders. - Do something nice for Sarah.

- Apologize. Tell her the truth. - Oh, right, yes.

Good.

I'd look a lot better apologizing in that jacket.

Yeah.

The Mercy Mosque emergency finance meeting is called to order.

What is the emergency?

Well, it's not an actual emergency, it's, um...

It's, um...

- It's just that... - Out with it.

- I need a raise. - Out of the question.

We barely have enough money to pay for the upkeep of the mosque.

I used my own money for this gavel.

Why do you need that?

You went out of order.

Look, Baber, my expenses have changed. I'm getting married.

Exactly. To a doctor.

If anything, we should cut your pay now that you've a honey-mummy.

- My what? - Your molasses mother, Rayyan.

- She has money, so she takes care of you. - You mean my sugar mama?

So you admit it.

How does Little Miss 21st century feminist even put up with you?

Look, Baber...

Now is not the time.

I'm surprised she doesn't have a prenuptial agreement to protect herself.

A prenup?

No one would think you're out for her money if she had a prenup.

You know what?

You're right. A prenup would make the whole situation a lot clearer.

Plus, she'd be protected no matter what.

Now, back to the finance meeting.

No, another time, Baber. I've got to draw up a prenup.

Meeting adjourned.

- Assalamu alaikum, Rayyan. - Walaikum assalam.

I was coming to find you. I'm sorry about last night.

- Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. - Well, it was to me, which is the problem.

A problem that Amaar the imam couldn't solve,

but Amaar the lawyer could.

- What's this? - It's a prenup.

- A what? - I drew it up quickly,

but I should've covered all the bases. I used to do it all the time.

- Why would you need a prenup? - I don't need to prenup, you do.

But this is a document for a rich person who doesn't want to be taken advantage of.

Which is perfect.

Because I'm poor and I don't want to take advantage of you.

Please, Rayyan.

- Well... - All you have to do is read and sign it

and then we'll both breathe a little easier, I promise.

Sarah, can we talk?

Oh, look, it's Reverend Liar.

I'm not talking to you.

Well, I was when I said Reverend Liar, but now I'm not.

This is me not talking to you.

Sarah. Look, I'm sorry I lied.

- I should have told you the truth. - Ha!

Do you forgive me?

Of course, I do. I can't hold a grudge.

I mean, not convincingly.

Oh, I'm sorry about the Reverend Liar thing.

That was unnecessary.

- Thank you for your honesty. - You're welcome.

Wow. I told the truth and I feel better.

- See? It feels good to be honest. - Yeah.

You're terrible at bridge.

You're right. That felt great.

Okay, that's more honest.

You ruined it for the rest of us.

Really?

- Well... - THORNE: No, wait, wait.

I would rather play cards with a potato

than sit through another night with you.

Oh, but your cookies were delicious.

Uh, great. Now I feel bad again. Hm.

A hat. This jacket needs a hat.

Rayyan, awesome-blossom lickum,

- What? - Never mind.

- So, what are you up to? - Nothing. Why would I be up to something?

Here are those secret law books you wanted.

RAYYAN: Great.

So you can research the prenuptial agreement.

- Thanks, Rose. - Don't worry.

It's just between you and me. Librarian confidentiality.

- Has she been here the whole time? - Yes.

I'll go.

So, Amaar wants you to sign a prenup?

Hm, yeah. He's concerned that I make more money than he does.

He tried to explain it. I couldn't follow.

Let me have a look-see.

I've seen plenty of these in my time.

- Not bad. - Okay.

- Not bad at all. - Nothing to worry about.

- For Amaar. - What do you mean?

Well, you keep your share, and he keeps his.

- That's my fiancé. Always fair. - Yeah.

Um, aren't Amaar's parents loaded?

He'll inherit that one day, and you and the kids will get nothing.

This is crazy.

I'm done with this.

- Thanks, Ann. - No prob.

Here's that big book of shirtless fireman you wanted.

Why are you whispering?

Let's crack this puppy open.

- Hey. - Hey, how'd it go with Sarah?

Not great.

- Didn't apologize? - I did. And I told her the truth.

- Great. - Yes. I told her

that we thought she was bad at bridge and a burden on the group.

- Not great. - Yeah.

She slammed the door in my face like I was a girl guide.

You slam the door on girl guides?

If their cookies were any good, they'd sell them in the stores.

Look, Reverend, sometimes doing good is more than being honest.

You've to go out of your way for someone else

even if you don't want to.

Uh, for heaven's sakes. Why is it so complicated?

Sometimes doing the right thing requires a bit of effort.

Yeah.

- Nice hat. - Oh, really, you like it?

Yeah, goes well with this jacket.

See? It's the little things.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

It's our pleasure.

Thorne made us.

It was nothing.

What matters is we're here for fun.

- Yeah. - Exactly.

- And that's Gin. - Son of a...

- It's seven in a row. - How do you keep winning?

This is worse than beating you all the time.

Now I'm the baby with the cabbage.

Baber's terrible. We should tell him the game's canceled.

I'm not signing this.

Oh, oh, t's the fifth clause, isn't it? Because I can fix that, trust me.

No, the whole thing is wrong.

Why do we even need this? Do you care that much about money?

I've never thought about money before.

I just suddenly realized

that all I'm doing is taking and never giving back.

You are constantly giving.

Support, spiritual guidance, love.

I'd trade everything I have for that.

I want you to be financially secure, too.

- What about Khadijah? - Khadijah?

Oh.

The first wife of the prophet, peace be upon him.

True, she was a wealthy woman.

Who loved the penniless prophet for all that he was and not what he owned.

You make a good point.

In my eyes, I'm the one getting the bargain.

Well, I guess that makes me a lucky man.

Oh, yes, see...

- It's a good one. - I like that.

Hey, what's that?

That is our prenup.

ANN: Ohh, that can't be good.

Do you have the "no eating in bed" clause?

- No. - How about the "no sharing razors" clause?

- No. - Tell me you got the Porky clause.

I'm afraid to ask. What's the Porky clause?

Neither of you can gain more than 30 pounds

without paying a penalty.

Our prenup is about our finances, not some crazy celebrity agreement.

You kids these days, what do you have?

Everything we need.

What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.

Aw, that's adorable.

Crazy, but adorable.