Original subtitles

Ladies, hi.

I'll be with you in one second.

I see you came to gloat.

Of course not. I didn't have to come anywhere.

This is my church. I stayed to gloat.

Look, Amaar, I know we've had a few differences.

A few? You've been trying to drive me out ever since you got here.

Okay, so there is one difference over and over.

But look, I want you to know that it wasn't personal.

All right? No hard feelings.

- The best man won. - You make it sound like a game.

Yes, it's like chess, and I just sank your battleship.

And I've got a full house. Christians over Muslims.

I don't think you understand the game.

You know what? It's not about who won or who lost.

You did. The point is, it was fun.

Fun? I just lost my job.

Wow, you're really trying to bring me down, aren't you?

You can't just let me have this one.

Well, send me a postcard.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

You're staying in Mercy?

Good God, man, why?

You could go to Toronto or Vancouver or Iraq?

Well, that's the difference between us. I choose to be here.

We're making the mosque a better place.

You call that a hijab?

I call it a bad job of putting on a hijab.

Yes, yes. It was funny the first three times.

But I prefer your mascara bit. They do look like raccoons.

You get something suitable from the propriety box.

This is a bathrobe!

And you are welcome.

Do you want to look like a shameless woman of the streets?

Like those two? They live on my street.

- "Shameless"? - I have never been shameless.

Oh, I've got a lot of shame. Remember the '70s?

- Problem, ladies? - Reverend Thorne.

You know we much love our Muslim neighbors.

- Yeah. - Lately they've been a little...

- Ooga booga? - Oh, you're so good with words.

You know, I miss Amaar. That Mr. Baber is...

Ah, I see. So, his extremism scares you?

No, no, it's everything. I mean, he's so extreme and...

Yes, it's his extremism.

You are good with words.

Well, so are you saying you're worried about

what life in the church will be like with Baber at the helm?

No, I'm saying...

Yes.

Hmm, well, I'll look into that. Okay?

So, you can tell it's a very open concept

with a real flow from room to room.

Simple yet elegant.

- It's perfect. - Really?

I mean, I know I talk a good game, but you can see it's just a tent, right?

It's everything I need.

It's simple, a place for me to reflect, regroup.

Aren't you going to miss the hustle of downtown?

Well, I think I'm ready to

get away from Mercy's wild nightlife.

Yeah. It'll chew you up if you let it.

They call it Mercy, but after 11:00, it shows you none.

Anyway, when can I move in?

Uh, yeah, okay, I'm gonna need first and last month's rent.

Right.

Here is a 20.

Okay, and five, your change. Thank you very much.

Thanks, Joe.

- Baber? - Yes, Reverend.

What do you want? Can you not see that I'm busy?

I get it. The Munchkin Convention's this weekend.

Yes. Yes. Very funny.

Yes, the miniature invitations,

the one course meals, tiny, tiny gift bags.

Anyway, from one man of God to the other, well done.

Thank you. Your kindness warms my heart

and makes me instantly suspicious.

Uh, Baber, I like your style.

I also like my style.

I call it 14th Century Cleric.

Yes. And here I thought you were one of those conservative Muslims.

But I am a conservative Muslim. How can you not know this?

Really? Well, thank you for hiding it so well.

Have you not been listening?

The opposite is true. I hide nothing.

What you see is what you get,

and what you get is one hundred percent unbridled conservative.

Whatever you say. But seriously, thank you for toning it down.

This place is positively Christian.

Christian?

If they have forgotten there is a mosque in their midst,

then I shall remind them.

No more of the cute, cuddly Muslims they see on the news.

No way.

But first, I shall fix this chair.

- Poor Amaar. - If he did not want to get fired,

he should not have made the board angry.

I like them Amaar,

but sometimes, you must do as you are told.

If you were him and someone told you to do something you didn't believe in,

like put green peppers in your goat curry?

Green peppers?

Brilliant. How have I not thought of this?

It's the ingredient I've been missing all this time.

Amaar's a fool.

Why is he fighting this? My curry will be delicious.

What is Amaar going to do without a mosque?

How's he going to earn a living and support himself?

Well, a real outdoorsman can live in any environment.

So, Amaar will probably be...

Poor Amaar.

If he's going to stay in this town, he needs to find a way to earn a living.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, my goodness.

- Ladies? - Oh, Reverend, what's going on?

Oh, well, Muslims will be Muslims, you know?

Why? You don't like it?

Oh, no, it's just, it's a little...

Disconcerting? Inappropriate?

A reminder that our two faiths could never really coexist?

Kind of terrifying.

I hate to say it, but I think it may be time for them to move on.

Oh, dear.

- Oh, no, that might be a little extreme. - Yeah.

But you said you were terrified.

Oh, she's terrified all the time.

She couldn't sleep for a week after watching Weekend at Bernie's.

Oh, well, the indignity.

A waterskiing corpse?

That's why I want to be cremated.

Ladies, ladies, we're talking about the Muslims.

Hmm. Time for them to go?

Oh, I don't know, showing them the door

just because they give us the heebie-jeebies.

I don't know if that's very Christian.

Have you read the Bible?

It's quite brutal.

He turns people to salt all the time for doing almost nothing.

Well, I mean, if they did something really inappropriate,

then that would be a different story.

Right.

Different story coming right up.

There he is.

- There you are. - We found you.

You guys are good. Next time, I'll hide behind something.

Now you hide, I'll count.

Hey, what's all that?

Oh, you know, just supplies so I can cook, clean, that sort of thing.

It's really beautiful out there. I feel close to God.

Did someone say office?

Um, no.

You're going to love this.

An office!

Ta-da!

Oh. Hey, look at that!

- Except you spelled it wrong. - No, that's intentional.

The extra A is so your name is first in the phone book.

- Oh... - Yeah. We thought you'd write wills,

take cases and defend no good punks. What do you think?

Oh, guys, it's very sweet of you, and I know you mean well,

but I'm not a lawyer anymore. I'm an imam.

Amaar, you don't have a mosque, so you have to do something.

I am. I'm gonna pray.

I should have used a third A.

Hello, fellows.

Been doing a little decorating, I see.

I must say, it's...

Almost unbelievably conservative?

It's delightfully ethnic. I can't help but crave Indian food.

- We're from Pakistan. - Is there a difference?

Easy, Faisal.

So, you're not bothered by my decorations, hmm?

Au contraire, mon Baber.

On behalf of all Anglicans,

I want to thank you again for not being too conservative.

Why do you keep saying that?

Don't you know there's no one who is more conservative than I am?

Well, there is the Rahaloon.

Rahaloon? Tell me more.

You do not want to know about the Rahaloon.

They are not important.

They are very important!

They are devout nomads who go from mosque to mosque,

spreading their vision of Islam in its purest form.

So, why hasn't Amaar invited them before?

Amaar called them crazies who terrorize a congregation

and devour our mosque's resources like locusts.

He is so intolerant of people who lack tolerance.

They sound terrible.

You're not going to invite them, are you?

- Of course he is. - Let us not get carried away.

- It is a very big decision. - Right, right.

The kind of decision a real imam would make.

You're just the fill in imam, I understand.

But I am the imam imam,

and I am going to invite the Rahaloon.

No, please, don't, and so forth.

There is nothing you can do to stop me.

The locusts are coming to Mercy.

Rayyan, Sarah, Assalamu alaikum.

- Hello. - Walaikum assalam.

Would you like some coffee?

It's not terrible, but to be fair, it's not drinkable.

Oh, no, thanks, Amaar.

Look, we're really sorry about the lawyer thing.

- Yeah. - Don't be. It was very sweet.

No, we should have known you put your lawyer days behind you,

which is why we found you other jobs.

Who knew Mercy had so many other options?

All right. What do you know about tractor maintenance?

Not as much as you'd think.

Okay, how about pedicures?

- I can't touch women's feet. - Right.

Look, guys, I don't think you understand.

I lost the only job I ever wanted.

And now I need to know what Allah wants from me.

That's why I am here. Right now, my job is to listen.

Baber, I am so excited, the Rahaloon is coming.

How do I look? Does this topi make me look too modern?

Leave it alone. You look fine, okay?

- You look nervous. - I've never met the Rahaloon before!

This vest, does it make me look too liberal or fat?

Maybe I should never have invited them.

You had to show Reverend Holy Baloney who's boss.

You're right. He'll see there's nothing to worry about.

You hear that, hmm?

As Salam alaikum, my brothers.

I am Faruk!

Walaikum assalam.

I am Baber,

and this is Faisal.

I am so pleased to meet two such fine and upstanding Muslim men.

It's our pleasure. You make yourself at home.

Our mosque is your mosque. Right Faisal?

It has been a long day on the road.

Is there someplace where I can put a few of my things?

Of course, brother.

Amaar's... My office is straight down the hallway,

and the prayer hall is here.

Wonderful.

I told you, it's going to be fine.

Come on, brothers!

Let's go!

Everything, guys! This way!

Come on.

Look what they've done to our mosque.

I know.

It's wonderful!

I can't tell you how good it is to have our mosque

full of true conservatives like me.

Like you? With your shiny salwar kameez

and your fancy topi, you should be wearing jewels.

Go make some roti, sister,

and then come and tell us which one you wish to marry.

Yes, yes. He's like a woman!

Cook for us, sister.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so now this is happening.

Wet socks. That is just nasty.

Assalamu alaikum, Rayyan and Sister Sarah.

Walaikum assalam.

So, we have visitors.

- What were you thinking? - The Rahaloonies?

I've discovered they do not like to be called that.

Can I help you to solve this problem?

No, no. What problem?

These women, I can tell by their immodest dress

that they must be nothing but trouble.

This one's painted like a strumpet.

Painted? Oh, this is just lip gloss.

- I just love the taste of apricot. - Uh-uh.

No one's talking to you.

They're just talking about you.

Let's go, Mom. We know where we're not welcome.

Clearly not. You are still here.

Faruk, don't you think that is a little bit too extreme?

That's not a little bit too extreme. It's completely extreme.

And that is to say it is good!

Extremely good!

But, Faruk, I am the imam.

Baber.

Please. And we are your humble guests,

here to help you to spread the Rahaloon's purest rules of Islam.

You mean takeover?

Yes. No!

Mostly yes.

Assalamu alaikum.

Walaikum assalam.

You came to join me.

If it's all right.

Well, I'm not sure we have any room.

I'm just kidding, the more the merrier.

And good news, you beat the rush.

You knew they'd come.

I didn't know. But I hoped.

What are they doing?

- Ooh! - Goodness!

- Can you believe that? - No, I can't.

- It's really gotten out of hand. - Absolutely.

I know. Now I almost feel sorry for them.

Exactly.

What? Sorry for them?

Well, they don't look very happy with their new guests.

Not happy at all.

Come on. What is it going to take?

I mean, what is it going to take

for you good, fine, kind Christian ladies to run out of cheeks to turn?

I don't know.

I mean, if they did something really overtly offensive.

Then you'd want the Muslims gone? Theoretically?

- Hmm... - Yeah, I guess that would do it, yeah.

Okay. Yes. Now we're getting somewhere.

Certainly a rough crowd.

It's an invasion, my friendlies.

Your Muslims are multiplying.

So, say adios to pork products,

sayonara to single malt, and take one long last leer at the ladies.

We'll be lucky if we ever see the female form again.

Fatima. Fatima!

Please, turn off.

- Unbearable. You've got to do something. - What...

This goat curry is terrible.

Green pepper? Ridiculous!

So terrible that you only devoured three orders each.

Now, who will be paying for all of this?

Sister, please.

How can you put a price on the spiritual guidance of the Rahaloon?

Easy. Just add up what you ate and add tax.

But we are the guests of the mosque.

Baber will take care of the bill.

What? I can't afford to pay for that.

Then stand up to them before it is too late.

As imam, sometimes I must do the tough things.

Faruk! You and I have to talk.

Yes?

Uh, let me take care of that for you.

That woman is unbearable. This place is unbearable.

This food is unbearable!

What if I knew a place where you can cook your own food?

- That might just be bearable. - Yeah.

Just a few announcements before we begin.

As you may have guessed,

Teen Halacha will not be held in the community room this week

because we don't have one.

Instead, we'll be over by those trees there.

This is so beautiful. Why don't we pray out here all the time?

Wind, rain, hail, snow, locusts.

Right, but it's beautiful now.

It is.

Let's begin our prayers.

This week's halacha teen class has been canceled This week's halacha teen class has been canceled

because there are no more teenagers in the mosque.

And the meeting of the women's fund raising committee

has also been canceled

because there are no more women left in the mosque.

And now, for my very first sermon as your imam, I am going to...

Yes, Faruk, is there a problem?

It's just, as your guest, I was hope I would give the sermon.

- But you see... - Unless, you wish to deny me

after I came all this way to help you.

Fine.

Today's sermon is on weakness in the face of pressure from our peers.

Oh, that's a bit on the nose.

Assalamu alaikum, Fatima. I'm so glad you could join us.

Walaikum assalam. I had to.

I needed to find out where all of my paying customers were.

That, and if I stayed at the cafe, I was going to kill Baber.

What are you doing here?

Come on, Rayyan.

Assalamu alaikum, Faisal. Everyone's welcome here.

Walaikum assalam.

Amaar...

This is hard for me to say.

Baber was wrong.

That is very big of you.

It is, isn't it?

Also, Baber should not have fired you.

Thank you.

Well, that's almost everyone.

- So, when do we go? - Go where?

Get our mosque back!

Well, I'd like to take it slow and steady. You know, the tortoise and the hare.

Delicious! But who has time for that?

I don't think it's that simple.

Amaar, why did you stop being our imam?

Because the people chose Baber.

Things have changed. Look around. They chose you.

You know, it's funny.

You spend a long enough time praying for a sign

and you almost miss it when it arrives.

Let's go!

Reverend, we came as soon as we could.

I've never heard of an emergency bake sale before.

Oh, what is this? I am genuinely shocked.

I came here for a simple, everyday emergency bake sale,

and I find this.

They've taken over our community hall.

They what? Do I look as shocked as I think I do?

Oh, my God!

Are those goats?

They're bringing their pets into the church!

I don't think it's their pets, it's dinner.

It's terrible. Horrifying.

This is too much.

You have to do something.

I hate to say this,

but the mosque has got to go.

Finally.

- What? - What?

Uh, I reluctantly agree, ladies. Breaks my heart.

Baber.

Oh, Amaar and everyone. What a surprise.

Baber, the people have chosen. I am their imam again.

What? You've all turned against me after all I've done for you?

Look, I know you're upset, Baber...

Oh, fine. Have it your way. You are the imam again.

I hope you're happy.

First day on the job and already you've lost us our mosque.

What?

Amaar! Just in time, so good to see you here.

Well, not in here, but out here, where you belong.

Can we talk about this?

Um, no, no. You see, I'm afraid for too long now,

I've been what the good book calls "a stranger in a strange land".

Speaking of Exodus, time to make yours.

I'd like to say I'll see you in the afterlife,

but who'd I be kidding, right?

What are we going to do?

Okay, everyone, please relax. Everything is going to be okay.

And you are basing that on?

Okay, so we lost a building.

We all know this, that is why we are so upset.

But look what we found.

We're here together.

One congregation, one ummah, one purpose.

That is the heart of the mosque.

No one can take that away from us.

That is beautiful, Amaar.

Yes, and it is also nonsense.

A mosque is nothing without a mosque to be in.

- We have nothing. - We need a place...

They make a lot of sense.

I hope they're wrong.

- Do you have a plan? - Nope.

But He does. He always has a plan.

I just hope He lets us in on it.