Original subtitles

Remember, folks, Muslims are just people.

Foreign people who want to change our way of life.

Trust me, one day you'll reach for an ice cream

and the only flavor they'll have is curry.

Not even sprinkles will save us. Yeah.

Imagine that, huh?

Turban Ripple, Camel Nuts...

Fred has really outdone himself this time.

That didn't offend you?

- He's completely against... - Uh, rational thought,

common sense, decaffeinated coffee.

Yeah, and you're not threatened by that?

Blowhards like Fred,

they take everything to the edge and then over it.

Oh, I get it, I get it. So, by comparison, he makes Muslims seem reasonable.

- Exactly. - Huh.

- Hang on. We are reasonable. - Hmm?

I can take it no longer.

We must drive these dogs from our town.

Ah, what dogs are you complaining about now?

Skateboarders, jaywalkers, single mom?

By dogs, I mean dogs. They're Islamically and literally unclean.

My shoes are ruined.

So, Islam would ban man's best friend?

Ban... ...is a very harsh word.

Yes, I would ban them!

Long legged, panting rats with waggedy tails.

Baber, there is no need to shout your views to the world.

Or is there a need?

Yes, perhaps the world deserves Baber's insight.

Isn't the world hurting enough?

Now, if only there is a way we could broadcast your soothing voice

into people's homes, like Fred Tupper.

But no, that clearly can't be done.

You are a fool.

I know the perfect way.

I shall buy a megaphone.

Right. Okay.

Yes, I suppose that's better than the radio.

You are a fool again.

The radio is much, much better.

What a fool you are.

No, the radio, you can't possibly...

Good point, yes.

They'd never let a Muslim on the air.

They would and they will. Radio, here I come!

Thanks a lot.

Why should I put the most radical Muslim in town on my show?

You'd look open minded.

That's death in talk radio.

Come on. There must be some way to change your mind.

"Brain transplant..."

Literally change Fred's mind. I like it.

Forget it, guys.

Fred thinks Islam is the epitome of evil. Right, Fred?

Actually, I'd say that the leap year is the epitome of evil.

February 29th? Nice try, Pope Gregory.

But Muslims are a close second.

Now, Fred, hear me out. Okay?

Every superhero needs a villain.

You calling me a villain?

No, you're the superhero. Baber would be the villain.

I don't want to be a villain.

Though, often they have better costumes.

Triumph over evil could be seen as a positive.

Evil? Look at him.

Yeah, you're right.

He's terrifying.

Siddiqui, be at my studio at 11:00 tomorrow.

I will be there.

I'm very punctual.

And it's official, I'm supplying you concrete.

And I am supplying you money.

Hardly seems fair. Concrete weighs so much more than money.

Oh, this is so great.

You are really helping me out of a tough spot.

We just started two new jobs.

I never expected to be this busy.

That's the curse of owning your own small business,

actually having to do business.

I'm filling in for my husband while he's away, however long that is.

So, I just got shaken down by a temp?

Embarrassing, no?

I'm a temp myself. My brother started the business.

I'm filling in until he gets back from vacation.

What a coincidence. When did he leave?

1987.

He should have quite a tan by now.

He should. I've got some time before my next appointment.

Like to grab a coffee?

Oh, thanks, but my husband's gonna be phoning me any minute.

Ah, one day, they're going to invent a phone that you can carry with you.

A mobile, if you will.

But I'm a dreamer.

All right. Sure. Let's go.

Reverend, the...

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had company.

The Reverend has invited us to listen to Mr. Siddiqui on the radio.

Oh, an AM radio listening party.

Do you do that often, Reverend?

Well, I do love the crackle.

Besides, these ladies are very influential members of my church,

and I think they should know what's in the minds of our Muslim tenants.

One of our Muslim tenants.

Baber does not speak for all of us.

Sure. Oh, it's about to start.

Why don't you pull up a chair, Amaar?

There's no more chairs left.

Standing room only.

Good turnout for AM radio.

Welcome to the third hour of the Fred Tupper Hour,

brought to you by Mercy Citing.

"If you've got woodpeckers on your wall, give us a call."

My guest today is an actual Muslim.

Muslim, Muslim, Muslim

One of this town's most radical elements.

Muslim crackpot, Baber Siddiqui.

Thank you. I am very pleased to be here.

Let's dive right in, shall we, Ali Boo Boo?

My listeners know that I favor a 50% cut, the immigration.

- I don't favor this. - Of course you don't.

- Cut it 75%. - What?

I suppose you like the riffraff of the world taking our jobs?

- No, no. - Well, then which 50% are you keeping?

The riff or the raff?

When you put it that way...

And you'd have them sponging off our generous government programs.

Those programs are for Canadians, pal.

A-ha! So, you are in favor of government handouts.

Fred Tupper is a liberal!

No. Yeah. I'm a conservative. I'm a conservative!

You know what? You are all talk.

That's the station format.

Well, I have never heard Fred so flustered.

I know, and Baber made some very good points.

Yeah, I think we had the gist.

Oh, but I think the ladies are enjoying it.

- Yes. - Yeah, but we should get back to work.

Well, part of our work is to be informed.

Oh, what a shame, it's broken.

Oh, if I've said it once, I've said it one,000 times.

The Japanese know nothing about electronics.

Well, who knew Mr. Siddiqui had such a good ideas.

I have to say, I feel I know the Muslims better than ever.

Mm-hmm.

I never realized we all had so much in common.

I'm so glad you invited us to listen.

Me, too.

I hate direct deposit, too.

Here's to paying by check.

Ah. Yeah.

Still no call.

What? Is it noon already?

That sounds about right. Do we pay at the counter?

I'll get it.

Thank you. As long as you let me pay for the next one.

Are you here every morning?

- Yes, isn't that pathetic? - My kind of pathetic.

Well, thanks, Robert. This was just the break I needed.

- It was my pleasure. - Bye.

You laughed very loud with that man.

It interfered with my baking.

Oh, it did not.

How much do I owe you?

Less than usual because you did not have your cinnamon bun.

Perhaps you did not want your date to know you eat pastries.

My date?

He's a concrete supplier.

That better be all he supplies.

Oh, Fatima, please. It's just business.

That better be all of the business.

Yasir?

Oh. No, sorry. Hamoudi Construction.

That better be all you're constructing!

Oh, Reverend.

What a beautiful day.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing

and plots to discredit the Muslims are backfiring.

Does this moment feel good, Amaar?

Yes. Yes, it does.

What can I say? Baber really helped...

Fred! May I have a word?

As long as it isn't about today's show.

I'm not putting that nut job back on the air.

- Why not? Baber was great. - Really?

You bet. He was a natural.

He left Fred crying on his console.

- I had something in my eye. - Defeat?

I see. You're saying that Baber's good enough for his own show?

- Am I? - Yeah.

I guess I am. Man, I am one bright bulb.

I better snap him up before Mercy Public Access discovers him.

- Yes. - Gentlemen.

Mark my words, Stan.

A Muslim show in this country is ratings poison!

Nice work.

Now it's going to be all Baber all the time, thanks to you.

Yes. He can only rein in his inner ayatollah for so long.

Then the members of my congregation who favor your little mosque

will see it in a whole new light.

Does this moment feel good?

Thought so.

- And that's when I moved to Odena. - Ah.

Took over the business and started to raise tigers.

Who are a lot harder to milk than you think.

Oh, that's nice.

Sarah, I don't raise tigers.

Oh, don't give up. It's your dream.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just...

I get it. He hasn't called?

- No. - I'm sure it's nothing.

You're right. I am putting this down.

So, tell me about this tiger farm.

Who's Sarah talking to?

He looks like a big slice of "thanks a lot. Seconds, please."

- What? - Yum-yum, man-burger

with a side of hunk-tato salad.

Why are you talking like that?

Oh, I'm off carbs.

Really hungry.

But he and Sarah seem to be getting along great.

That's two days in a row that they have been coming here.

- Want to bet on three? - Mm.

Don't be ridiculous.

That's my mom you're talking about.

Okay.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Rayyan.

This is Robert. He is...

- Just leaving, actually. - Oh.

Well, I'll get that jazz collection for you, Sarah.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

- You as well. - Okay. All right.

Bye.

Jazz, that's new.

I'm broadening my horizons.

Good for you.

You should hear the gossips over there.

Oh, I love gossip. Who are they gossiping about?

You.

Yeah. They said just because you and Robert

have been hanging out for two days in a row,

it must mean "something" is going on.

You see, this is why I hate gossip.

Oh, how dare they?

I promise you, they'll have nothing more to talk about.

Welcome back to the inaugural sign on to Siddiqui Sound Off.

You want conservative?

Ask a Muslim.

Siddiqui Sound Off

Has Fred Tupper suggested 50 lashes for littering?

No, because Fred Tupper is soft on trash.

Harsh but fair.

If you can't take the lash, don't drop the trash.

"Harsh but fair"?

Can you believe people actually like this guy?

I know. What's it gonna take?

Somebody's gotta push this clown over the edge.

Indeed. Come with me.

And our next call is from... Oh, from Mercy.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, there. Uh, Hank Hanks here.

Uh, long time listener.

I'd like to know where you stand on the issues that matter to me,

like Bingo and, um...

- Puppies. - ...Uh, puppies.

Very simple.

Bingo is gambling.

So, those who play it are degenerates.

Oh, my.

And puppies are unclean.

They have no place in our society.

Oh, wow, the phonelines are suddenly full.

Hello, everyone.

Amaar, why do Muslims hate puppies?

And what's wrong with Bingo?

Uh-oh.

- Hi! - Hi, Mom.

- How are you? - Fine.

Oh.

So, this morning, the gossips missed you at Fatima's.

Can you believe because dad's away,

people would think you would turn your back

- on 30 years of marriage? - Oh.

Fatima's... I wasn't there because I was here.

I thought I should try the coffee because they've added cinnamon to it.

- Here. - You hate cinnamon.

Right, right. But I just thought I should get over that.

Cinnamon-y.

Hmm.

Oh.

I have a house call. I gotta go.

Okay, bye, honey.

Oh. Have you tried this coffee? It's terrible.

- What is that? Cinnamon? - Mm, yeah.

Something wrong?

There might be.

Hey, Yasir, it's me again.

Third time's the charm, or not.

I just really want to talk to you. Really.

Things at work are getting complicated, so just call me.

It's Sarah.

- Sarah, everything okay? - Yep.

No.

Sure.

I see.

It's just...

Let's say you really love strawberry ice cream.

- Yeah, I don't really like strawberry. - Oh, but I do.

I really do. I love it. I've loved it for 30 years.

- Okay. - And now,

somebody's taken strawberry off the menu and it's just gone.

I don't know for how long, but all I know is I can't have it.

Ice cream, right?

And for the first time, I'm noticing vanilla.

Oh.

I see.

Um...

Okay. Well, when it comes to something as serious as ice cream,

I suggest you take time to remember what you loved

about strawberry in the first place.

It might help until strawberry comes home.

Thanks, Amaar. I'm sure it will.

Okay.

I just wish strawberry would call.

You are telling it like it is.

You have made radio relevant again.

We broke the record yesterday for number of calls.

Can I get a Allahu Akbar?

Allahu Akbar!

Can I get a Allahu Akbar?

Not if the world was on fire and that was the only phrase to put it out.

- What an unlikely scenario. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, there's Fred Tupper.

The man who used to have the most popular radio show in town.

I'm not listening to you.

You're the only one.

- Fred, is something wrong? - Yeah.

Blaber Sir-Freaky over there thinks he's Allah's gift to radio.

For once, Fred, you and I have the same goal.

Baber gives people the wrong idea about Muslims.

It's bad for the mosque.

I'm not saying he doesn't have good points. I want him out.

You know what? Follow me.

Soon you will all live by the rules of Islam.

I have information that Muslims make babies

at a much faster rate than Christians.

Islam will impose its laws on the West.

And those that oppose will have their tongues cut out!

And your five day weather forecast is coming right up.

Stan, do you really think that Baber

should be spewing his extremist crap on the radio?

You'd prefer your own extremist crap?

Of course, this is Muslim propaganda.

Our research shows that people who like Baber listen 25 minutes a day.

Most people hate him.

Yeah, and those people listen to 45 minutes a day.

The sponsors like the ratings.

They're happy. I'm happy.

'Course, the sponsors.

We don't want to make them unhappy.

Whose side are you on anyway?

You have one new message.

Finally. Yasir.

Sarah, it's Robert.

You weren't at our morning coffee.

I guess I understand. But I will miss our talks.

Loved how you'd stir your coffee in three wide circles counterclockwise.

And how you pretended to know

who Herbie Hancock was.

Anyway, take care.

Hey, and thanks for using concrete.

To erase this message, press seven.

To replay this message, press four.

Sarah, it's Robert.

You weren't at our morning coffee.

I guess I understand. But I will miss our talks.

Loved how you'd stir your coffee in three wide circles counterclockwise.

Did you hear what they said about the Muslims having more babies?

Why didn't I have more kids?

Because your husband had that secret vasectomy.

At least I have a reason.

Your husband's shooting blanks.

Ladies! Ladies, ladies.

Now, I know Baber's rants have upset you.

- Yes. - Yes.

Yes, me, too.

But now is the time for Anglicans to be strong.

To stay vigilant to the radicals who have infiltrated our church.

And whatever you do, keep listening, hmm?

- We'll listen like hawks. - Mm.

Hawks don't listen. They watch.

How much longer are you going to throw that ornithology degree in my face?

- Ladies. - Oh.

- Oh. - I know, I know, you're upset

about Baber's radio show.

I wish I could call somebody and give them a piece of my mind.

Call who? The sponsors, for instance?

No, not the...

What? You think the sponsors would be interested in what we have to say?

Well, I have no idea.

But, yes, probably.

Ladies...

Hi, Robert.

- Sarah. - I just thought I'd surprise you.

Wow.

- I'm surprised. - Well, mission accomplished.

Thank you. I thought you were avoiding me.

No, I was kind of avoiding avoiding you.

- That was like a joke. - Yes, on several levels.

That's great. I'm glad you're here.

I was afraid we wouldn't be having a coffee again.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

So, where are your workers?

- Uh, they're at the other site. - Oh.

Which means we're all alone.

- Hope you don't have a problem with that. - No, of course not.

I didn't think so.

I'm sorry.

The wind pushed me right into you.

Yeah, that's a problem with meeting outside.

Look, Robert, I came here today because our friendship means a lot to me.

Okay, I thought we were a little past friendship, but...

I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's not fair to Yasir.

It's not exactly fair to you and I either.

I mean, don't you think we have something special?

I don't know.

But I do know that Yasir and I have something special.

We created a life.

We've raised a child.

I gotta go.

So, I guess that means...

Yeah, I'm going to be getting my concrete from Fat Boys Mud Mix.

Take care, Robert.

Yasir is a lucky man.

No, I'm the one who's lucky.

And that's the kind of bile your ad dollars are paying for.

You're in the bile business, buddy.

I'm in the vinyl siding business.

And I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.

I'll never pull my ads.

Keep this up and my house is going aluminum.

Yep. Mine, too.

I fold.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, honey. You want to share a coffee?

Sure. What happened to Robert? I thought that was your thing.

Oh, no, we don't do coffee anymore.

Oh, why not? Did you tell him you had to break up with him?

- Mom? - Nope. Don't worry. It was just coffee.

Oh, good.

- Pretty much. - Mom!

Nothing happened. Nothing's going to happen.

It was strictly decaf, and it's over.

Well, a dark era is over, my friendlies.

Siddiqui Sound Off will now have its sound off.

So long, Baber. Wherever you are.

Well, Mercy, it's now safe to turn those radios back on again, huh?

Unless you're in the bathtub.

I miss you, too.

Morning coffee just doesn't seem right anymore.

I love you, too.

No, I understand the time difference makes it difficult.

Well, your mother must be running you ragged.

No, no. Don't apologize.

If anything, I'm sorry.

I'm just so happy to hear your voice.

Let me hear it again tomorrow at the same time, okay?

Okay.

Okay, honey, I love you. Bye.

- Hi. - How's dad?

Oh, he seems a bit homesick.

Oh, do you want to talk about it over coffee?

Sure.

We could make it like a regular thing in the morning.

I would love that.

- Hey, do you like jazz? - Not really.

I just don't understand what happened.

You must be very disappointed about your radio show, Baber.

Infidels killed the radio star.

It's like my tongue is being cut out. Why?

They were afraid of the truth, that's why.

Siddiqui Sound Off was informing the world.

Or a two mile radius.

Baber, it was nice having a Muslim voice on the radio.

Even if it was a crazy Muslim voice.

Thank you, Fatima.

How could this happen?

Amaar, my congregants wanted to thank you

for giving them the idea to complain to Baber's sponsors.

Amaar did that?

- Is this true? - Yes.

They can't believe how fast it got you off the air.

And they wanted to thank Amaar.

Although, I find the suppression of free speech

to be a little dangerous myself.

But to each his own.

There is a snake in the bed.

It's time to change the sheets.