Original subtitles

Okay, if we're gonna keep this church renovation on schedule,

we need a checklist.

Did you order the two-by-fours?

- Yes. - Look, Yousef,

- you got to work on your English, okay? - Okay.

No, no, when I'm going down the checklist,

- you say "check". - Okay.

- No, like me. Check. - Yes.

- Check. - Okay.

- Check. - Yes, okay.

People! People!

Listen to yourselves. "Yes, check, okay, yes."

Can we just agree to agree?

Oh, my God! It's Lois Kettlebaum,

the self-help psychologist.

Oh, Miss Kettlebaum.

Guilty as charged.

Oh, I am your biggest fan.

Oh, aren't you darling.

What a darling thing to say.

Oh, I can't believe it's you.

I've read all your books.

Oh , Get Out of Your Own Way, Idiot!

Or, or, Get Over Yourself, Stupid!

Calm down, sweety.

Calm Down, Sweety. That's my favorite.

Oh, aren't you adorable!

What a charming town.

- I always love passing through... - Mercy.

...Mercy, on my way to a book signing in...

- Regina. - ...Regina. Now, you're teasing, Dobs.

- I don't suppose I can have... - An autograph.

Dobs, take my pens, please.

- Wow! - I don't know what I'd do without...

Fluffy?

Fluffy! Fluffykins!

Mr. Fluffykins.

Fluffykins! Fluffykins!

Mr. Fluffy-pants!

Dobs, he was on the seat.

You go find him, if you cannot find him,

you'll end up like I found you as a high-school French teacher.

That was one hell of an interfaith council meeting.

- We didn't accomplish anything. - Are you kidding?

We covered the church renovation, the confirmation classes

and next week's baptism.

But you spent an hour on gossip.

And you know who gossiped the most? That Marjorie, she is such a cow.

Mrs. Wispinski,

that was an interesting meeting.

Well, thank you.

Oh, Amaar, I forgot to give you your mail.

Now, you can tell yours from the Reverend's

because his doesn't have any final notices.

Thank you.

Bill.

Bill. Hate mail from Fred.

Oh, what's this?

This is to confirm a positive result regarding paternity.

What?

- I made a mistake. - Yes, and this confirms it.

This isn't for me.

Reverend William Thorne?

The Reverend is having a child.

The Father is a father.

I can't bear the thought of my poor little Fluffy

alone in this strange, strange place.

- Oh, well, should I go look for him? - Don't you dare!

I can't bear the thoughts of me alone in this strange, strange place.

And you are?

The proprietor of this strange, strange place.

Fatima, this is Lois Kettlebaum.

The Lois Kettlebaum.

I am Fatima Dinssa.

A Fatima Dinssa.

There were many in my family.

Oh, easy to remember.

So, what can I get you?

Nothing, dear, I'm not hungry.

My poor little Fluffy is missing.

Do you have pie?

We have raisin, lemon, blueberry...

Just bring me one of each, a la mode .

Lois Kettlebaum!

Is that really you?

I am your biggest fan.

- Oh, autograph? - Oh, please.

All right.

To my dear, dear friend...

- Mrs. Hobbs. - How do you spell that?

- M-R-S... - I got that part.

- Oh, H-O... - You know what? You can fill in the rest.

"To the bomb from the Kettlebaum."

- Oh, thank you so much. - You're welcome.

Ugh, public will never leave me alone.

- Shannon... - Oh, no, it's Sarah.

- Whatever. - Would you like me to leave you alone?

No, don't you do that, I need you.

- You're like the sister I never had. - Oh.

Well, that's not...

You're like the friend I never had.

- Oh, that's good. - That's not it.

You're like the personal assistant I never had.

Wow! Well, if you feel that way, would you mind giving me a little advice?

Fluffy. My poor, poor Fluffy.

Oh, pie.

Okay, I'm just gonna tell him that I accidently opened his mail.

Perfectly reasonable mistake, there's no way he could be upset.

There's no way he could not be upset.

I have to tell him or I won't feel right.

So, you're going to tell him that you read his private letter

that states he has a child out of wedlock.

Better yet, you tell him.

Hallelujah

Amaar? Rayyan? What are you doing in the hallway?

Nothing. Just, uh...

- Nothing. - Not much.

And yet your mosque is not a roaring success? How odd?

Excuse me, java calling.

And we're worried about protecting that man's feelings?

- We have to. - Of course we do.

But you gotta admit, it is tempting.

You have some pretty good ammunition to use against Thorne here.

Wait a second,

we don't have to tell him.

All we have to do is just toss that letter on his desk

and hopefully he won't notice it's open.

I guess you wanted that in one piece, huh?

So, that's me,

my husband is in Lebanon with his mother

and my daughter moved out.

What should I do?

I... I feel a bit lost.

Lost?

- Mm-hmm. - Like Fluffy?

Like my poor Fluff...

Mrs. Hobbs' impossible lies are true?

Lois Kettlebaum is here.

In the flesh, in the gooseflesh.

Well, it's so nice to be recognized by such a tall, dark and handsome man.

I am your biggest fan,

- I even read your book - The Necessary Evil.

- Oh. - This has been such a help

in dealing with my thankless child.

Oh, dear, library won't like that too much.

Um, do you have time to give me some advice?

Oh, Dr. Kettlebaum is way too worried about her dog

- to give anyone advice. - I'd be delighted. Please, join us.

What about my advice?

Your advice? Don't be silly,

no one wants your advice.

Just hold my book.

Wait! That looks nothing like the original envelope.

- Thorne wouldn't know that. - Oh.

I'm just gonna to, uh, toss it on his desk.

Rayyan, always a pleasure.

Amaar, what are you doing in my office?

Well, uh, I was...

We were here to talk to you about the, uh, the...

- The Interfaith Council. - ...Interfaith Council.

Oh, yeah, that. What do you wanna say about it?

Well, I, uh, think it should be expanded.

- Pardon me? - And I think it should be disbanded.

Really? Huh.

Well, why would you say that, Rayyan?

Well, we're just not getting anything done.

Oh, I agree, yes.

But the council is meant to bring Christians and Muslims together.

I mean, isn't that the kind of thing you're always going on, Amaar?

- Well, it is, and it isn't. - Yeah.

And that it is to say I have and I have not.

Uh, Rayyan has a point.

Really? Then, why do you wanna expand it?

Why do I wanna expand it?

That is a good question and I'm gonna answer that with a question. Why not?

Why not?

- Why not, indeed. - Yes, why not?

Since the council's doing nothing, we obviously need more people to do it.

- Hmm? - Yes, in a manner of speaking.

However, you know, Reverend,

I think that if I really mull it over, then no,

because, you know, in summation, no.

No.

Huh, you obviously feel very strongly about this.

- I do. - Hmm.

Reverend Throne, the choir is working up a new folk hymn for you,

and wait until you hear

Onward, Christian Soldiers on the ukulele!

Ah, ukulele, delightful.

Ukulele, it's almost like a musical instrument,

but smaller and more Hawaiian.

Well, you sound like a wonderful father.

I do, don't I?

And you, you are a very discerning woman.

No, no, your wife is a very discerning woman.

My wife left me.

Very discerning.

So, you're a bachelor?

Footloose and fancy-Pants and swinging it old school.

Go on, Mr. Fancy-pants,

- I could listen to you speak all day. - Ooh.

Oh.

Fluffy.

Fluffy?

Are you looking for a body shop?

No. It's a dog,

an adorable dog with a diamond studded collar.

Diamond studded? Cool.

I have to get it back to the boss lady.

Shouldn't you have a leash?

Well, of course I...

Leash. Leash! I'll be right back.

Oh, Cujo, what do you got there?

Diamond collar.

Oh, no.

Baber, my dear sweet man,

here's my free advice,

keep on keeping on, be yourself,

make the world accept you for who you are.

I cannot express my delight

at meeting such a friendly,

and, um, aesthetically pleasing famous person.

Baber, what is wrong with you?

This is last call for Lois, Sandra! Don't ruin it for me!

- It's Sarah. - Whatever.

You make me blush, Baber.

You are so unlike most celebrities.

Of course, as you know, many of them are Jews.

- Excuse me? - Okay, Baber,

maybe now is the time to change the subject.

What's wrong with Jews?

As my uncle Bander always says,

Jews are mean people and that they control the world's events.

Who do you think is responsible for bike lanes?

Excuse me, Baber, I happen to be Jewish.

Oh, no, no, sister, uh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Do you know that woman is Jewish? Isn't that odd?

Excuse me? I happen to be Jewish.

No, no, brother, uh, excuse me.

- Fred. - Hm?

Did you know there are two Jews in the room?

Could this be part of the conspiracy to steal our souls and smoke our meat?

Oh, don't tell me you're Jewish also.

Me? A Red Sea pedestrian?

No thanks, I've got no time for 'em. Muslims either, for that matter.

I feel exactly the same way,

only would replace Muslims with White people.

Believe me, I'd love to.

- Okay. - Sure this is gonna get the coffee off?

Positive, and then we dry it and return it to Thorne.

Flawless plan.

Okay, so I just, uh, dip it in the water like this?

Yes, that's it, gently, flawless plan.

- Yeah, and then I, uh... - Yeah, yeah. See?

- Coffee is coming off, flawless plan. - It sure is.

It's good. Oh. Oh, no.

So is the ink.

Well, I think we found a flaw in your plan.

Ugh, what an awful man,

what an awful cafe, what an awful town,

what a lovely house.

- Oh, Sar... - Rah.

...Rah. Oh, Sarah,

I don't know how I could have gotten through this day without you.

Sweet, but the town's not so bad once you get to know it.

Are you telling me how to react appropriately?

I think I wrote the book on reacting appropriately.

Oh, look, Reacting Appropriately: The Lois Kettlebaum Way.

Oh, I love that book.

You and 50 million others, but who's counting?

Wow. Look, Lois, um...

...why did you give Baber advice, but you didn't give me any?

- You want my advice? - Yeah.

- Get out of town. - No, no, I really wanna know.

- That's my advice. Get out of town. - What?

Your husband chose his mother over you,

your marriage is probably over,

you've been doing his work as well as the mayor's work,

you don't have a life.

Get out of town.

Sorry I asked.

Knock, knock, knock.

Sarah, here, don't say I never returned anything.

Is that the hedge trimmer you borrowed ten years ago?

I don't know, I found it in your garage.

- Where's Lois Kettlebaum? - She's in the washroom.

The woman that wrote Getting Yours First: The Single Woman's Guide is in your loo?

Didn't she give you some advice?

I have to tell Thorne.

If he was more open about his past, this wouldn't even be an issue.

That's it!

That didn't sound like "it".

We go talk to Thorne,

we steer the conversation in the direction of illegitimate children,

he'll just volunteer the information himself.

That is so brilliant, I don't get it.

- Knock, knock. Are you busy? - Yes.

Good, because I need some help.

I have met a wonderful woman.

Sounds like she needs some help.

Just one problem, she's Jewish.

Uh, the, uh, religious barrier.

Well, even if she doesn't convert, marriage is not out of the question.

But what if she tries to eat my soul when I am sleeping?

Whoa! Whoa, Baber!

There is no room for antisemitism in Islam.

But Uncle Bander says there is, plenty of room,

the more the merrier, but not for Jews.

Islam has a special place for Judaism and Christianity.

As you know,

the Quran calls them "the people of the book".

Well, Uncle Bander calls them "shape-shifters".

Oh, I'm so confused!

Well, your Uncle Bander sounds like an idiot.

Yes, perhaps he is.

Oh, I've been such a fool, I must go talk to Mrs. Kettlebaum.

And that man has a doctorate.

Hey, plaid guy, I got the leash.

I got good news and I got bad news.

Hey, that's Fluffy's collar!

Well, that takes care of the good news.

Well, I wouldn't really call any of them steady boyfriends, if you catch my drift.

Any port in a storm, right?

The last eight years has been a hurricane.

You want my advice?

Keep up the good work.

- Thank you. - What?

That's it? You can't be serious,

you give her that advice and you tell me to leave town?

Sarah, I only told you what was good for you,

you wanted my advice.

I don't want any more advice, doggone it.

Dog gone...

Oh, Fluffy.

My little Fluffy. Fluffy.

Oh, my little baby Fluffy.

Sarah, what are you doing?

She's clearly a smart woman with smart advice.

If she told me to leave town, I'd go.

I lashed out at her because she tells me something I don't wanna hear.

I've got to make this right.

Reverend, interesting mail?

Waiting for an important letter that hasn't shown up yet.

Oh, that's too bad.

Anyway, Rayyan and I were talking about sin.

Sins of the flesh,

it's hard to fight instinct sometimes.

And sometimes, it's good to talk to people about our mistakes

because we all make mistakes.

We all do, we really do.

- Physical mistakes. - Physical mistakes.

Well, uh, yes.

Well, well, well, no, I, uh, I agree.

This is, um, this is worth taking about.

So, you're saying that you two have, uh...

Hmm?

- What? - Sins of the flesh!

I... I beg your pardon?

Excuse me.

What? She's the one who brought it up.

I can't believe a dog ate Fluffy.

- Word up. - Oh, man, am I in trouble.

Look, trouble's never as bad as it seems.

I remember a time,

let's just say, I let somebody down.

I thought it was the end of the world,

but look at me, I'm still here.

Sure, I can never sell cheddar in Alberta again, but life goes on.

For me anyway.

Well, now, I gotta tell Miss Kettlebaum that Fluffy was eaten by a big dog.

It wasn't that big, kind of a bull doggy thing.

Really? One bulldog ate another bulldog.

Bulldog?

- That's Fluffy. Fluffy. - Fluffy.

Here, Fluffy. Come here, baby. Come here, my baby. Here, Fluffy. Come here, baby. Come here, my baby.

- Come to mommy - You have a pet name for me!

- And I thought you'd be mad. - What?

Oh...

Please, leave me alone.

Oh, can't we talk about this?

Get away from me,

I'm not interested in a relationship with you.

Because I'm Muslim?

Because of the horrible things you said to me.

- Please, leave me alone. - Oh.

Lois.

Lois!

I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life.

And it's all my fault.

Why have I been beating around the bush with Thorne

when I need to be telling him the truth.

Oh, there you are. Why'd you run away?

Come on, be strong.

Confession's good for the soul.

- I got the letter you were waiting for. - You did?

And then we accidently destroyed it.

- You didn't. - But not before we accidently read it.

You monsters.

No, there's nothing to be ashamed about,

- so you were to find your... - My biological father.

- Of course. You're the son! - Oh. You're adopted.

Now you know my secret shame.

What shame?

- And now you wanna blackmail me. - For being adopted?

But know this, you've gone too far this time.

Wow, that is one angry man.

Full of shame, drive and ambition.

"You have gone too far this time."

He's got a great voice, I'll give you that,

it's like caramel, only it's scary.

He's one powerful enemy.

Can I help you?

And you, you're full of passion,

only, you have nowhere to direct that passion.

You got that from "can I help you"?

And you, you're her boyfriend?

No, not her boyfriend. I am her imam.

Oh, that's what you call it?

Yes, maybe you're right, maybe she's not ready yet.

You're full of compassion,

that's your greatest strength,

and your greatest weakness.

Look, who are you?

Oh, just someone passing by,

a visitor who knows a little bit about relationships.

You fill in your name right there.

Could you tell me something? Is there another door out of this place?

- Oh. - That way? Thank you.

Maybe teaching French wasn't so bad after all.

Relax, let me handle it.

How intimidating can she be?

There you are, Dobs, you nincompoop!

- Did you find Fluffy? - Yeah, well about that.

Gotta go.

Well, did you find him or not?

Well, uh...

How do I put this?

Yes.

Oh, Fluffy, my baby.

How's my little baby?

Somebody's been a naughty boy.

What a wonderful man. Muah! Muah!

Can I ever thank you enough?

Oh, look at that, what a smart doggy.

Now, you stay in there and you stay put. Yeah.

Lois, are you okay?

Sarah, I found my puppy, I found my little puppy.

Yeah, I see him.

Lois, I am so sorry I lashed out at you.

I... I thought a lot about what you said.

So have I.

You know, I know your advice is always great,

but I like living in this town,

and I like my marriage. I know my husband is away,

- but I... - Yes, but you're strong,

you're hanging in there.

You're making all the right decisions.

Yes, but I... What?

I confess, I lied. You don't need to leave this town,

I said it all for selfish reasons, I wanted you to be my personal assistant.

Wow, that would be such an amazing job.

Yeah, the offer is off the table now,

well, now that Fluffy is back.

I lost my job as a personal assistant to a dog?

What's a personal assistant for?

Constant love and attention, that's what Fluffy gives me.

- Wow. - Plus, I can put him in a crate.

Reverend.

We need to talk.

What now? You discovered I wet the bed till I was 12?

- No, of course not. - Because you know I didn't.

Look, being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of.

Right, and you know that because you found out that

your uncle was your real father, the father that you never knew.

Not exactly or at all, but...

However you feel about it, it is between you and God

and that's the way it should stay. We won't tell a soul.

I have your word on that?

You do.

That, uh, that means a lot to me.

- You know what else would mean a lot? - If I left you alone?

Wow. First you read my mail, now you read my mind.

- Think fast. - Whoa.