Original subtitles

Reverend, are you interested in participating

in a rec center children's fundraiser for youth activities?

Catchy, yes, count me in.

As Jesus said, "Blessed be the rec centers, for in them, we swim."

Wonderful, we still need a ring announcer.

A ring announcer? Like a boxing ring announcer?

Oh, is that a problem?

Well, as a Christian, I believe in peaceful loving solutions to conflict.

Oh, I should have known.

But as a man who loves boxing... I love boxing!

- Oh. - Yes, I boxed in the seminary.

Some of those guys had a lot of pent up aggression.

We didn't do a lot of dating.

Well, would you consider fighting?

Well, I suppose I could strap on the gloves

and open up a can of whoop-ass for the kids.

Boy! That would be great. Now, all we need is an opponent.

Well, I'm sure the Lord will provide.

Reverend. Ms. Parvee.

You are good.

Amaar, the lovely Ms. Parvee and I were talking.

Any chance you'd volunteer for the rec center children...

Fundraiser for youth activities.

- That's the one. - It would mean a lot.

- Of course. - You're in?

You bet. You name it, I'll do it.

Well, great, we'll see you there. Boxing gloves will be provided.

- Whoa, boxing? - See you in the ring, Amaar.

Ooh.

Uh...

- Thorne, step away from the Photoshop. - They're all over town.

God, I hope not.

There he is. Our inspiration.

Something tells me you're not referring to my last sermon.

I'm referring to the big battle. You and Thorne. Mano a mano.

Which means "man to man". So tough.

Mano a mano means "hand to hand".

What? There's nothing tough about that.

Hand to hand? That sounds like a slapping contest.

No, this is the real thing.

It's the Thrilla in Manila all over again.

No, no, let's take it easy. It's no Rumble in the Jungle.

This is more like friendly exhibition match

between two men of the cloth in Mercy. Yeah.

That's a terrible name.

It is the punch down in a small town.

I am much better at this that you are.

It's nothing like that.

It's exactly like that.

You're right.

Me versus Thorne. Muslims versus Christians.

This is the last thing this town needs.

No. The last thing this town needs is a monorail.

The second last thing is a juice bar, and the third last thing is...

Where are you going?

Wow, it seems like you've been working on this wall since...

Dinosaurs wore bell bottoms? Yeah.

Why is it taking so long?

The Reverend keeps changing his mind after the work is done.

Oh, is that in the contract?

Yes, but that's okay, because it's nearly done.

Just a bit of paint. Complete.

- Now, all we have to do is wait. - For what?

- Well, this is all wrong. - For that.

Where is my holy fountain?

Oh, so, now, there's a fountain? With water I presume?

Of course. Is there any other kind?

It's going to be my little cascading miracle.

- It'll take your breath away. - Wow.

Well, there really will be a miracle,

because the wall isn't roughed-in for plumbing.

Oh, then I'll need that done.

But you never told me that.

Well, isn't that just assumed?

Reverend. Reverend, I can't do it. I can't fight you.

It's going to send the wrong message.

I understand. What you're saying is...

Look, seriously, our congregations need to work together, not go head-to-head.

Very funny. Grow up.

Oh, Amaar, it's okay to be afraid. I was afraid once.

- Then I turned six. - And when was that, yesterday?

Look, you can't bait me into fighting you.

So I'm learning. Hmm. You won't even fight for the youth?

I mean, the youth is our future.

You can't guilt me either.

You really aren't Christian, are you? I mean, guilt is our trump card.

There's nothing that will make me fight you.

Never say never.

- Coronation Street? - Commercial!

Oh, what did I miss?

Deirdre ordered Blanche out of her flat.

I am not ready for this.

They've been building up to it for 17 years.

I need a caramel cup to dull the pain.

Hey, Quality Street.

Grandad used to bring these from England.

No, he used to buy them at the drug store

on the way home from the airport.

But he said you could only get them in the UK.

- Grandad was a liar. - Really?

You know he never really owned a zeppelin. The show's back on.

So, Thorne gets a five% discount

on the whole renovation, if it's not completed by next week.

His constant changes are stopping me from hitting the deadline.

Don't take that, fight back.

Good advice.

One more change and I will draw the line.

Attagirl, Blanche.

You two are useless when Coronation Street is on.

Was that dad?

Can you get the phone, please?

- Hello. Mm-hmm. - Sarah...

Oh, hi, Reverend.

- Uh, well, now is not a very good time... - I just need you...

- Okay. Hang on. I'm... - Don't paint the...

"Don't paint the pillars.

- "You're good with wood." - That's right.

Okay, yeah, great. I'll tell him. Bye.

You mean to say that the Muslim imam

agreed to go toe-to-toe for the youth rec center and then bailed.

No, Fred, I'm not here to stoke controversy.

Well, no, but I am. So, just to clarify,

this imama's boy is afraid to take a few knocks for charity.

Well, afraid is such a harsh word.

- Oh. Yellow? - It is my favorite color.

So, how will you respond to this cowardly act of non-aggression.

The important thing is, that we find someone to take his place

so the event can go on.

Oh, someone Muslim?

Well, it'd be wonderful if the two communities

could come together.

Are you issuing a challenge to any Muslim man enough to take you on?

Well, I would never say that.

- Oh, it's okay if I do? - It's your show, Fred.

You know, frankly,

I don't think any of Muhammed's minions would step into the ring with the Rev.

No, they clearly prefer soft targets.

In fact, I'll tell you what,

if anyone from the mosque can go three rounds with me,

for the kids, of course,

my friends at This Old Rug Carpet Cleaning

will clean all the mosque prayer rugs for an entire year.

Hitting them right where they kneel.

Oh, nice.

You're like Jack Palance in a collar.

- Ridiculous. - Absolutely.

Although, we could use those carpets cleaned.

Did you hear that? Amaar backing out of the fight?

It's made us look like a laughing stock.

You make us look like a laughing stock.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

If you will not fight for us, who will?

I didn't hear you volunteer.

I am not a soldier. I am a general

who bruises a bit too easily.

133, 134...

So, Reverend, what do you think?

I'm getting there.

Oh, the pillars, yes, they're beautiful.

A vision of vertical excellence.

- Classic. - A timeless tribute

to the holding up of ceilings.

Hmm, and most interesting of all, they're painted.

Oh, yeah, they're absolutely and completely, um...

Why is that interesting?

I wanted wood, Yasir. Wood.

No, you clearly said paint, Yasir, paint.

It doesn't sound like wood. It has none of the same letters.

Unless you spelt it wrong. Then, I blame the schools.

- Mm, I did say paint the wood. - Yes.

- But then, I said wood was good. - No.

- Are you calling me a liar? - No, I'm saying that, perhaps,

you misspoke.

You meant to say wood, but it came out a dirty lie.

Well, if you look at the contract,

I can change my mind as often as I like.

Yes, in advance. Not after the job is done.

Well, the job isn't done because this isn't the work I asked for.

Not only is the work done,

but I'm done. I'm finished.

- You quit? - No, you see, I'm not a quitter.

I'm the kind of person that leaves when the job is done.

And this job is done!

Also, I quit.

One-thirty-eight.

Aah, what is this? Why are people taking this so seriously?

No, the question is, why aren't you?

Have you heard what people are saying?

We need someone to stand up and fight for us.

We need a, a hero.

I'm no hero.

Ah, but you could be.

You just need a coach

and I am going to coach you like you've never been coached before.

I have never been coached before.

Oh, good, so the pressure is off me.

And he had the gall so say, "I told you all about it."

- Can you believe it? - The nerve of that man.

How could anyone forget someone telling them, "Wood is good."

Why does that sound so familiar?

So, then, I said to him... Thank you.

- I love the green ones. - Oh, I know, I'll get you one.

Hey, what's this?

"Wood is good."

That's where I've seen it.

Oh, you have a message.

It's time for my favorite segment, "Fred was right."

Fred was right

I was right when I said that zero Muslims

would go three rounds with the Punching Padre.

- Sad, isn't it? - Mm.

Rev, would you said that Islam is a culture of cowardice?

Look, Fred, I wanna make it clear that I have the utmost respect for all faiths.

- Except the Mormons of course. - Yeah.

- All that gingham. - I'm just saddened for the kids.

The Christian kids, the Muslim kids.

This was a charitable event.

But no event, no charity.

Because no Muslim, had the prayer beads to step into the ring.

Yes.

Once again, Fred was right.

Fred was right

Never get tired of hearing that.

Wrong, Fred.

And Reverend, you have your Muslim, and you'll have your fight.

Whoa.

On the one hand, I love a good fight,

but on the other, you kind of ruined the segment there.

Thank you all for coming to this press conference.

What conference? It's just you.

Mr. Rashid, Zach Whitman, Mercy Junior High clarion.

Did you know that the Reverend was a seminary boxing champion?

No. I did not know that.

- He was? - Yeah.

Wow.

Reverend, are you predicting that you'll win easily?

Ooh. Good question.

Um...

No. No. No. Of course not. He's a powerful opponent. He's wiry...

He's, um...

Did I mention he's wiry, huh?

Look, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

His nickname was the Minister of Justice.

Well, Amaar, is the Imam of Mercy.

That's not my nickname. It's my title.

I was on the spot, I've never done a press conference before, okay?

Okay, this press conference is over.

How about some photographs?

- Oh, yeah, that's good. - Oh, yeah.

Got a minute?

Ah, my prodigal contractor returns.

Yeah, about that. Funny story.

Ah, I like funny stories.

- You're gonna love this one. - Yeah?

You see my wife, wonderful woman,

she took down your message, and then lost it in a box of chocolates.

Isn't that funny?

Only if your name is Forrest Gump.

Now, I understand that you Christians are all about forgiveness.

- That's what it says in the ads. - Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Hate the paint. Not the painter.

Paint the wall, not the...

Well, I think you know the formula.

- So, I gather you wanna finish the job? - Is there a stronger word than "yes"?

Well, I'd be delighted to take you back.

Wonderful. I'll start straight away.

Great, because the original deadlines are still in effect.

No, I've lost a day

and tomorrow is the youth center revival children's thing.

The whole town will be there.

That's what we're hoping.

I'll never find anyone to work.

But that's my problem, 'cause you're busy hitting things.

That's it. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left.

Left.

- Keep your right up. - Why?

To throw him off.

- Left. Left. - Okay, my left arm is getting kinda sore.

Gotta build it up. We're gonna make you the best darn southpaw in town.

I'm not left-handed.

Okay, new strategy. Let's see the right.

What's the matter, Amaar?

Is it 'cause he's bigger than you?

Stronger than you? Are you afraid of getting hit?

- I am now. - This might help.

- What's wrong? You were killing him. - That's the problem.

When I said that I didn't wanna fight, that wasn't true.

I do wanna fight him. I really wanna fight.

- So, fight him! - This is a friendly little charity match.

I'm not supposed to fight out of anger.

'Cause someone's smug condescending face is making me want to hit him harder

- again and again and again... - No hit!

No hit! No hit!

What happens if I start punching Thorne and can't stop?

Hmm.

Don't punch him.

Bob and weave for three rounds and we'll call it a win.

I can do that.

So, what now?

Now, we turn you into a lean mean evading machine.

I'm sorry, we're stuck here. It's all my fault.

Yes, it is. Now sand, all the way up to that joist.

Joist is a funny word. It's like it's got a built-in Brooklyn accent.

First, I'll hoist the joint. The, I'll build up my thirst.

- Yes, Sarah. - Yeah.

Sand, sand, sand!

We'll never finish in time.

Oh, don't think it'll be much of a clash.

I love Amaar, but it should be called a "mush of a Muslim."

Oh, I don't know. I think Amaar can really land a few choice blows

on that smug Reverend's face.

Yeah.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Hello. - It's about another reverend.

- We were. - Um...

- Not you. - No.

Reverend... What's his name?

- Joist. - Reverend Joist.

- Yeah. - Ah.

- Back to work, dear. - Okay.

Right.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam, Fatima.

I have a new menu item. The "Hero Amaar Sandwich."

Oh, I'm humbled.

It just like the regular hero sandwich, except flattened.

I'm extremely humbled.

Know that you have my full support for this fight and for the aftermath.

What aftermath?

I will run the mosque for you during your recovery.

- That's comforting. - And did you see Million Dollar Baby?

If you need, I'll be happy to shut off life support, because I care.

Hmm.

Are you ready to go? You're up in an hour.

- Yeah. - To the death!

If Baber ran the world.

Well, welcome, folks, to Tuffy's Muscle Hut.

We're moments away from "the clash of the clerics".

A classic Ahmed versus Goliath battle.

And now, I'm gonna turn things over to our celebrity ring announcer, uh,

the worship herself, Mayor Ann Popowicz.

Thank you. Thank you.

I do it for the kids, 'cause you know, they'll be able to vote in a few years.

In this corner, from Mercy Mosque,

weighing 157 pounds...

Boy, I should really consider cutting out pork.

Anyway, the Imam of Mercy... Really, is that what they came up with?

Amaar Rashid!

And in this corner, from Mercy Anglican,

the Minister of Justice,

Reverend William Thorne.

We're about to get things underway here.

The tension you could almost cut it with a knife in here, it's very exciting.

Are you ready to float like a butterfly and sting like a butterfly?

We're with you, Father.

Look, Reverend, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I think...

May the better religion, win.

And we're about to get going, and let 'em have it.

Oh!

- - And the fight is on!

Thorne, oh, very aggressive off the top,

and, well, look at him, he's all over Amaar right now.

That's good, stay out of his way.

Good, Amaar, stay out of his way!

This is a strange technique.

He's gonna wear out the tread on his boots, he's going so fast in there.

- Look at them go. - Fight or are we gonna dance?

Come on, Amaar, come on.

Out of his way faster.

Get him, Father!

- Yes! - Not too hard!

Yeah!

Get him, Amaar.

Give it up!

The pounding! Is Amaar just another Muslim

- on a suicide mission? - What?

And that should be the end of round one.

Popowicz?

I'm doing it.

And that will bring the first round to a close there.

It does not look good for the Imam-inator in there.

No, siree. Thorne was all over him, like white on rice.

You're doing great.

Seems like I'm evading myself right into his fists.

- Who knew that his arms were so long? - I know.

Any words of advice, coach?

Yeah, stay out of the corner, stay off the ropes and clear the center.

Maybe I should do everyone a favor and just wait outside.

Two more rounds, and sure.

And let's get it on.

Come on!

And the fight is on, ladies and gentlemen.

Ho, ho, ho, the punishment has already started.

Is Amaar just too darn scared to fight back?

Thorne is just turning him into a speed bag.

Hit him, Amaar, hit him. Why isn't he hitting him?

He has too little hate. This is why he is not fit to lead.

My wife would punch better.

Come on!

- What did we miss? - This.

Amaar, you can hit him now.

- I finished the pillars! - Hit him.

Hit him!

Amaar.

This is a tough one for you.

Maybe it'd be better if you just...

...conceded, huh?

Can't do that, Rev, but you go ahead, be my guest.

It's fine, 'cause either way, I win.

- How do you figure? - Well, there's two options.

Option one, you back down now. Everyone thinks I tamed the Muslim menace.

Or option two, I knock you down in front of everyone

and I look crushingly superior.

Either way, I win. Whoo-hoo.

Look at him. He's waving to the crowd. They love him here, ladies and gentlemen.

There was a third option, Rev.

- Yeah, what's that? - Third option is, I win.

What the heck is going on? Amaar is coming out of nowhere.

Oh, my goodness, the holy man's down, ladies and gentlemen.

I can't believe it.

And one, two, three, and it's over!

Out. Over. Thorne has lost the fight!

Amaar is the winner, ladies and gentlemen. I don't believe it.

We can wait three days, he's not getting back up again.

Where is he? Amaar?

Wow. I can't believe you did that.

You decked him. I didn't know you had it in you.

Neither did I.

So, what happened to the lean, mean evading machine?

I lost my cool. He got me angry.

So, you're not a machine after all.

You're human. And humans make mistakes.

...Forgiven us.

The important thing is how you feel now.

Kinda good.

But mostly...

Ow!