Original subtitles

New bulletin, Amaar?

Yeah, the mosque is having a rummage sale. Exciting, eh?

- You betcha. - You're lying.

You betcha.

The church is having a rummage sale.

Yes, I can't believe it's come to this, rummage sales and soapbox derbies.

I'm a man of God.

We both are.

You're all right, Amaar.

You're all right.

I just wish there was someone who could help out

with the publicity and planning.

I could use some help promoting the mosque.

Where are we going to find someone?

Especially in this town.

Sarah, are you okay?

Of course. She does public relations.

- Oh. - I do.

And you would have time to help out a friend?

Always. Besides, the mayor's on vacation, so I'm wide open.

Well, the next question is, when can you start?

- Right away. - Excellent.

On behalf of Mercy Anglican, welcome aboard.

- Wait, what? - This is so exciting.

Walk with me. Talk with me.

Amaar?

Well, I thought you could help the mosque.

Oh, Amaar, if only you'd have asked first.

And what are you doing?

Ah, I'm working on ways to improve the mosque's image.

You could start by burning that sweater.

I can't. It was a present from Sister Mufeeda.

Okay? I know it's a little loud.

What? I couldn't hear you over the sound of ugly.

She wanted to thank me for my advice. I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

We are very different people, you and I.

- Yeah. - Mufeeda, what were you thinking?

That sweater is an abomination.

Maybe I'm just overanalyzing this.

Maybe I just need to let it go and see what comes to me, you know.

Um...

Mosque. Image.

Image. Picture.

Photo. News. News launch.

Space launch.

A rocket launch. Mars rocket.

Martians. Aliens.

Illegal aliens.

Jail. Hard time. Hard candy.

Cavity.

X-ray image. Image.

No. Damn! This is harder than it looks. Wait. Wait.

Mosque.

Image.

Damn.

Why don't you get my mom to help? She's pretty good at this PR stuff.

Yeah, thanks.

Thorne has her launching a new PR campaign for the church.

The mosque has to compete.

- Give up now. - Why?

How good is your mom?

"Mercy Anglican. So it is written"

That's clever, huh? "So it is written." That's a good one.

My mom's very good.

Yeah, but advertising on pens. How good could that be?

I'm gonna go to church.

Especially if the slogans are this catchy. "So it is written."

- Amaar... - I know.

We gotta get Sarah to help us, too.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I'm just begging you. Burn the sweater.

Okay.

Darling, what are you doing here?

Layla is driving me crazy.

- Really? - I don't know what to do.

Send her home? It's an option parents dream about.

She doesn't want to go home and I don't want to admit I failed,

especially not in front of you-know-who.

No. Who?

Baber, Assalamu alaikum.

Rayyan, Walaikum assalam.

So, how's my Layla?

Good, very good. We're two peas in a pod.

- Me, too. I'm one pea in a pod. - Oh.

I'm enjoying my time alone.

Um, for example, did you know

there are full meals that come frozen in their own tray?

That's a revolution in fine dining.

And did you know, my salwar kameez dries wrinkle free when I put it on wet.

Huh, a self-drying shirt. What will they think of next?

I am glad Layla's living with you. Very glad.

Oh, well, that makes me glad, too.

I'm awash in gladness for both of us.

And I'm glad that everyone is so glad.

Oh, I am one pea in a pod.

How can I be glad? I am one lonely pea in a two bedroom pod.

Oh, Baber, there, there.

You shirt's wet.

I told you.

Okay. Okay, let's work it.

Work it. Now, give me sad.

Yeah, that's it. Now, give me happy.

Good. Now, you're sad on the inside, but you're happy on the outside.

- Okay. - Sarah.

- Hi! - Hi!

- I saw the pens, very nice. - Oh, thanks, Amaar.

Um, honey, can you check the lighting? I think he's too hot.

It's not the lighting.

Oh, you!

- Him. Him. - Take five, Rev.

Amaar, this Sunday is just gonna be the best ever.

We are going to razzle-dazzle this town.

That's great.

You know, Sarah, the mosque could use a little razzle-dazzle, too.

Oh, I'm sorry, Amaar, it's a conflict of interest.

I can't handle the Christians and the Muslims.

But you are Muslim.

Well, yes. Sarah Hamoudi, the friend, is a Muslim,

but Sarah Hamoudi, PR-wiz, is an employee of Mercy Anglican, so...

Oh, uh...

Okay, well, Amaar Rashid, the imam, totally understands,

but Amaar Rashid the businessman knows there are other PR fish in the sea.

Oh, really?

Well, Sarah, the friend, wishes you good luck,

but Sarah, the PR-wiz, wishes you good luck.

The second one was supposed to be sarcastic.

I cannot eat these. These pancakes remind me of Layla.

She loves pancakes?

No, they actually look like Layla.

- Do you see it? - No.

- Here? - No.

Okay. Imagine she were a cowboy.

- Now you see it? - Baber.

This is ridiculous. You need your daughter back.

No, she needs to get me back. I am playing hard to get.

Oh, here she comes. Yasir, laugh with me.

That is so funny. That thing you just said, Yasir.

- Dad. - Oh, Layla, I did not see you there.

What, with all this laughing going on.

I'm having such a fun time as a free man with no daughter to care of.

Whatever. I need my MP3 player, I left it at the house.

Okay, I will get it to you.

Now, please, you must excuse me

because Yasir and I are telling these, um,

uh, side-splitting jokes about,

um, pancakes.

Oh. Okay, you're right. I need help.

- Yasir, you're always scheming. - Hey.

- I resent that. - I'm sorry.

I didn't say it wasn't true. I resent it.

Help me come up with a scheme to get my daughter back.

You can't just come up with schemes. It's an artform.

Inspiration can take days.

Okay, in that case, I will stand by your side until inspiration strikes.

You know who's a better schemer than I am?

My foreman. Yeah, Yousef. You should talk to him.

Oh, I will, thank you.

How can you do that to Yousef?

Yousef doesn't speak English.

Baber is annoying in any language.

Nate?

I've been looking all over for you.

I'm in hiding. Not from you. Long story.

Do you know Becky Kline? She can hold a grudge.

I was hoping you could do some promotional work for the mosque.

With your experience, it makes sense.

As a reporter, I shouldn't get involved with community business.

- You know, conflict of interest. - I understand.

- But what the hell, right? - You'll do it?

- I'm in. - Great.

Get in here.

- I'm really not a hugger. - Come on. Come onl.

Come on.

Don't fight it. There's nothing wrong here.

Just two men hugging.

- And we're done. - Okay.

I already have some ideas.

Top of my head: sky writing, viral video...

- What's your budget? - About $20.

I have no ideas. Wait!

- I know someone at the paper. - Yeah.

It's me.

I know.

Thing 113 that I miss about Layla.

When Layla's talking to a boy,

and I had to say, "Layla, do not talk to a boy!"

It was such good times!

Oops, I lost count. Should I start again?

- Yes. - Oh, Yousef, you've done a lot of work,

you must be really motivated to finish.

- Yes. - The last five hours have just flown by.

So, I'll just leave you to it?

Excellent. We have so much more to talk about. So much much more.

- Yousef, are you hurt? - Yes.

Is he really that bad?

Oh, yes.

"If you get the time,

"why not stop in and take a look at the little mosque that could."

That's it? That's the whole article? It's only 18 words long.

It leaves them wanting more.

It leaves me wanting more. And buried on page seven?

- The front page was taken. - Okay, about that.

"Remarkable Reverend Thorne is the man."

What? It's not like I control the news?

It's not news, it's a puff piece.

Puff piece? Are you kidding?

Yeah, there was the kitten.

And he did kiss the baby.

Damn, this is a puff piece.

Sarah's good.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

Thanks a lot for the help, but I'm running out of ideas.

You? Screenplay ideas?

Because if like robot-buddy comedies. You're gonna love Nuts and Bolts.

Can you stop? No, ideas for the mosque.

Right, let's throw more money down that black hole.

Uh, new mosque sign? I got bupkis.

That is a great idea. "New mosque sign."

- Except that... - You'd need my permission.

Hi.

Amaar can't put up a new sign

- without his landlord's permission. - Oh.

How goes the campaign?

- Good. - Remarkable.

With all the promotion, this Sunday should be a new personal best.

We have a TV interview tomorrow. Just Regina, but still.

TV? You got TV?

We should totally get TV.

Wake up, man. Print is dead.

Posters, pens. How do you afford it all?

It's easy. I got a deal.

Thorne's gonna baptize their first kid free.

- Don't you do that anyway? - They don't need to know that.

We've got lots of ideas, too. Lots.

We do? Really? 'Cause I thought we had nothing.

- Coffee? - Yeah.

What? What's wrong?

You need a hug?

- Bring it in. - Don't touch me.

Reverend, this mosque sign. It's not a bad idea.

Sarah, remember who you work for.

Well, what if I could think of a way

to give the mosque a sign that'd help the church as well?

I'm listening.

But you said you'd help me.

No, you said I would help you.

Nevertheless, promises were made.

Come for dinner. We shall plan.

I have frozen food in trays. It takes only seven minutes to prepare.

As delightful as that sounds...

But it is delicious. It is like five tiny chefs made five tiny courses

for one big explosion of flavor.

Now, with 25% more peas.

Have you been reading the boxes again?

No, I counted. I've had a lot of time on my hands lately.

Look, take it from someone that knows the female mind.

You only have one option. Apologize.

What? Outrageous! I would never apologize. Never, I say.

- Then you will never get her back. - Tell me what to do.

Fine, I'll help you.

Excellent, we can discuss it over a tray of Hungry-Man, halal.

Amaar, good news.

You got the Reverend a spot on Oprah?

No, I convinced the Reverend

that the mosque needs an eye-catching new sign that will also help the church.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

That's great. Thanks very much. I got some ideas.

Don't worry. He's taking care of it.

- Who's taking care of it? - The Reverend.

Uh-oh.

Amaar, let me present you with your brand new mosque sign.

It's a cross!

No need to thank me.

- It's a cross. - You said that already.

- It bears repeating. - You like it?

- No. - Hmm. What's the problem?

- It's a cross. - It does say "Mercy Mosque".

On a cross!

It's like putting Jesus on the Star of David.

Oh, now, that's just offensive. I can't believe you'd even say that.

Besides, it's white on white. You can't even read it.

The important thing is, you know it's there.

But my congregation won't.

What are they going to think of a cross in front of a mosque?

I have no idea how the Muslim mind works.

But Sarah does, it was her idea.

Oh.

Well, that must have been Sarah Hamoudi, PR-wiz,

because it sure wasn't Sarah Hamoudi, friend.

Amaar, to be fair, it looked a lot less cross-y in my mind.

I can't do this.

Apologies, to me, are like cats and dogs. I'm allergic to all three.

Yes, you can. All you have to do is learn the Hamoudi apology system.

If the first apology doesn't work, there are four back-up apologies.

Back-up apologies, and then, finally, escape apologies.

- Oh, my head's spinning. - You just need a little help.

Oh, Rayyan, perfect, come.

Her? How is she going to help me?

Baber, you would like Layla back.

Mm.

Rayyan, you would like Layla gone.

Mm.

The only way you're both gonna win, is if Baber apologizes.

Baber is terrible at apologizing.

Yes, but with a little practice, we can bring him up to speed, fast.

Baber, apologize to Rayyan about, um, something.

But I've done nothing to Rayyan.

You called me an immoral western feminist in front of everyone at the mosque.

That was Faisal. I called you a decadent western feminist.

Fine, apologize for that.

- You apologize first? - For what?

For being a decadent western feminist.

So, I'm stuck with her then?

Oh. It's hopeless. I'm not like you. You always know what to say.

That's it. I'll tell you what to say.

I will whisper the apology in your ear, so that you can win her back.

What a brilliant and totally original idea!

You don't watch many movies, do you?

Amaar, wait.

No. Waiting is when you stop and you listen.

Okay, I'm waiting. Now what?

Amaar, what's wrong?

Look. Look at that.

I know, it's like "born again". Get it?

Yeah. I get it.

What, so you're mad at me for doing my job?

No, I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at me.

For not thinking to use your talents a long time ago.

Oh, that's sweet.

Now, I'm worried.

Is it too late?

Are we still gonna have a place at Mercy Anglican?

Well...

Well, we will. As long as Sarah Hamoudi is on the job.

Yeah, but Sarah Hamoudi is working for Thorne.

Well, that's Sarah Hamoudi, PR-wiz.

This is a job for Sarah Hamoudi, friend.

Goose to Mother Hen. Come in, Mother Hen.

I told you not to call me that.

- I know. I'm just nervous. - Just act natural.

Okay.

Baber, what a nice surprise.

Layla, it's Baber.

He's here to talk to you.

And I need to act natural?

Dad, Assalamu alaikum.

Walaikum assalam.

Layla has opened the door. I repeat. Layla has opened the door.

- Who are you talking to? - You.

I mean, who else is here? No one.

Layla, my peach blossom.

It is so good to see your smiling face.

Layla, my peach blossom. It is so good to see your smiling face.

Really? Thanks.

I just wanted to say...

I am the sorriest man alive.

I am the scariest man alive.

I am the sorriest man alive. The sorriest.

We have a bad connection.

Exactly, we do have a bad connection.

We do? I guess we do, but I would like to change that.

Really?

Okay. Layla, I really want to say something to you.

Something I should have said a long time ago.

I really want to say something to you.

Something I should have said a long time ago.

Yeah.

And what I want to say is...

- Baber, I'm coming! - Here it comes.

Any moment. Wait for it.

It's going to be worth it.

You can't say it, can you? You can't apologize.

Of course I can, and I will. I just need a moment

to find the words which are traveling.

They have left my brain and are heading to mouth-station.

Woo-woo! All abord word train.

Got it!

Ann, you're back. How did it go?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

But I was in Reno, so I'm ready to dish.

Later, look, we need your help.

The church has put up this huge light-up-cross on the lawn.

Which is against the by-law.

I'll have to change the by-law.

- What? - Yeah.

Like I'm gonna go after a church for putting up a cross?

That'll play great in the election.

What about the mosque? Can we have a sign?

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Make sure you get your landlord's permission.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a tattoo removed.

Hmm.

And what are we gonna do?

His sign stays. He won't let us put up one of our own.

He'd be happier if no one knew Muslims were there.

What if we were to show Thorne a sign that's not a sign?

Go on.

What do you mean go on? That was the whole plan.

Yasir, I thought you were king of the apologies.

Yeah, well, I thought I was the sultan of soup.

But apparently that's just an honorary title.

Baber.

Dad?

What am I going to do?

Well, first you're going to relax.

Second, I'm putting my hand in the ice.

Layla, I think you dropped your ear piece.

- Uh, that's not mine. - Yeah, sure it is.

See, it fits perfectly.

Well, you see what you've done? You have made me loose my Layla.

I say things I shouldn't, but it's only because I love her so much.

I mean, I'd do anything for her.

- Why don't you just say so? - Because I'm a fool.

Now the door is closed and I'm afraid it's never going to open again.

Dad?

Layla?

I wanna come home.

- Really? 'Cause I knew that if... - Ah!

- Don't ruin it. - Yeah. I know.

Uh!

Muslims.

- What do you think you're doing? - Who? Us?

No, the other Muslim mob on my front steps.

Well, we're playing dominoes, we're reading the Quran.

You know, doing brown people stuff.

- You can't do it here? - Why not?

This is a church. It's my church.

We're aware of that.

It's very confusing, okay?

What will my new congregants think when they see Muslims?

Oh, they'll figure it out.

Hi.

Or not. Hmm. What a shame.

All my promotion, the bench ads, the TV. It's all been leading up to this.

I'm trying to build my flock.

Well, so am I. A cross you see from space doesn't help.

Okay. Come here.

- What do you want? - Get rid of the cross.

- I could get rid of the mosque. - You could get rid of the cross.

Then you'll get rid of the Muslims?

- Deal. - Deal.

- Dominoes? - Just go.

Maybe we should talk about our working relationship.

- You're fired. - I'm glad we talked.

Me, too. Hi.

I'm so glad you've come home.

- Aww, thanks, Dad. - You're such a wonderful daughter.

I never really appreciated you,

but I will never take you for granted again,

my little sunbeam.

"Sunbeam"?

- Excuse me. - Wait.

- Wait. - Where are you going, darling?

- Where are you going? - Come back...

- Come back and talk. - Ignore that man at the counter.

- Ignore that man. - "Sunbeam"?

I haven't quite got his voice yet.

I haven't quite got his voice yet.

Dad!

Thank you.