Original subtitles

Yes, and I've polished the pews to a nice shiny finish.

Yes.

Perhaps a bit too much polish.

Yousef.

- Friction. - Yes.

Don't ask. It's very technical.

Well, I'm holding First Communion on Sunday,

so either finish the finish or you're finished. Understand?

Yes.

Good.

Oh, delivery.

- What could it be? - I don't know. Open it.

Open it. I love this job.

So, you've not been doing this job very long then?

Thirty two glorious years and it never gets old.

Now, what could it be? A new bike?

A chemistry set? Oh, no. No, I got it.

A pinball machine.

What terrible guesses.

Just like Christmas morning.

Running downstairs to see if we got a visit by...

Jesus.

Oh, the anticipation is always better.

Well, I got to go.

I got another delivery for Saint Gregory the Divine.

I'll bet it's a train set.

It's probably Thorne's. We better take extra special care of it.

Let's cover it with this drop sheet.

Oh, it's stuck.

Yousef,

tell me that was you that broke into a thousand pieces.

Yes.

If you're gonna rise again, now would be a good time.

Where's my glue? Where's my glue? Where's my glue?

"Good for wood, plastic, metal."

No mention of saviors.

Yasir, what's wrong?

Jesus. I killed Jesus.

Fine. Fine, don't tell me.

Look, this is gonna work. It's gonna work. It's gonna work.

- This is never gonna work. - Yasir, what are you doing?

I'm trying to put Jesus back together.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Get it off. Get it off!

Yasir, what have you done?

It wasn't my fault. And it was this horrible drop sheet.

- Was this a statue? - Yes.

Anglicans don't have statues.

- Or do they? - Well, not anymore.

Thorne's gonna be furious.

What's a church without Jesus?

Unitarian?

Why don't you just replace it?

Check the packaging. See where it's from and order a new one.

Hallelujah! I've been saved.

"Make a clean sweep with the volunteer youth clean-up crew."

This is perfect. Layla will love it.

You volunteered your daughter?

I'm very generous with her time.

You can't volunteer other people.

I can, I did and I will do it again, so I can keep complete control of her.

You see, lately, she's been questioning my judgment.

Lately, she's right.

Maybe Layla's just growing up.

You take that back.

Why don't you try talking to her?

According to Magnificent Mothers Monthly,

children just need open, honest communication.

Oh. Well, according to Baber Does Not Care What You Think Daily,

meddling, childless liberals should mind their own business.

I know that's not a real magazine.

And I'm telling you I've not received a delivery.

Goodbye and, uh, God bless.

Are you okay?

Well, according to the records, my package was signed for by Vouzou Hanal.

Sounds Muslim.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't even sound like a real name.

You're one to talk, Amaar Rashid.

How many A's are even in there?

Seriously? You're not going to blame Muslims for this.

I wasn't, but you bring up a good point.

If I find out one of your minions was behind this, steps will be taken.

I will ask around.

Don't just ask, get answers.

In my religion, stealing is a sin.

Go for Thorne.

Ah, yes. The first Communion classes? Yeah.

Now?

Oh. Oh, right, yes. I'll be right there.

You're off the hook, for now.

I'm busy teaching seven-year-olds that the body of Christ is not a snack.

Vouzou Hanal.

Vouzou Hanal.

So, how's it going?

Great. We've cleaned up almost the whole town.

Where is my Layla, hmm?

Nice bike.

It's a new bike. Electric.

Electric.

My Layla is twirling her hair.

That is the first step down the slippery road

- to more hair twirling. - They're just picking up trash.

Looks like the trash is picking her up.

Calm down, Baber. You don't want to embarrass Layla.

Clearly, you do not know me very well.

Dad.

Toby was just telling me how smooth this e-bike is.

And you listen to his smooth e-bike talk?

Luring a sweet girl with your green power propulsion? Shoo!

Dad, please don't do this.

You are the only one doing things here.

Hair twirling, smile-giving, laugh-having.

You come with me. No more garbage for you.

- What about that one? - Looks like a hippie.

Oh, it's probably the sandals or the tie dye.

Look at that one, he comes with his own cross.

No, this was a cross-less Jesus.

Look, there it is, the Jesus I smashed to bits.

So, all we've to do is type in the item number here.

- I got it. - Is that an O or a zero?

- And send. - Oh.

Twenty-four hour delivery. Thorne will have his new Jesus in time

to celebrate his first First Communion on Sunday.

And we will celebrate the perfect crime.

Or we'll sleep in. I mean, it'll be Sunday.

Yeah.

Boys would not talk to you if you are more modest.

You want me to wear a paper bag over my head?

Paper bag? Don't be ridiculous. Just hijab.

You've gotta be kidding.

No, I've got to be serious, which is why I am serious.

Assalamu alaikum.

What're you doing here?

I saw you dragging Layla off...

And you had to stick your nose in.

And I was worried about her.

Worry no more. She will wear her hijab.

I'll never wear hijab.

- Baber, wearing hijab is a choice. - And I choose that she wear it.

And I choose not to wear it.

And I choose no choosing.

If you want to live under my roof, you will wear the hijab.

Well, maybe I don't want to live under your roof anymore!

She hates me.

You must be feeling hurt, confused and...

Furious. I did not give her permission to hate me.

What you should do is...

More advice? That's it!

Wait a minute.

You two deserve each other.

She's a naughty, disobedient young girl.

And you're a know-it-all busy body.

What are you talking about?

You know so much about young teenagers?

You can do a better job than me?

Then it is decided. From now on, Layla will live with you.

So, it could be here by noon tomorrow.

And then we will be off the hook.

- Off what hook? - Yeah. Off what hook, darling?

I didn't say hook? What hook?

Yeah, what hook, Amaar? And why are you acting so guilty?

What do you guys know about Thorne's parcel?

He knows we broke it.

'Cause you just said it. Now don't say anything else.

He broke Thorne's Jesus statue.

Why'd you say it? There's no need to say it.

I can't help it. When I get nervous, I tell the truth.

- That was Thorne's delivery? - Yes.

A Jesus? And you broke it?

- No. No. - So a Muslim did do it.

- Don't tell Thorne. - I am not gonna lie for you, Yasir.

I would never ask you to lie for me. Just don't tell him the truth.

Well, I won't, because you will.

Yeah, right.

You're not gonna let this go, are you?

Oh, that's heavy.

Wow, this is amazing.

Can you believe I get to move in with you?

It's like a sleepover that lasts forever.

Not forever.

Just until you and your dad work things out.

So, it is forever.

That house is like a prison, but with more rules.

Well, this house has no rules per se.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

We're going to communicate.

We'll build a relationship based on trust and understanding.

Let's say you want to go out, for example.

Good example.

You just write down on this pad paper,

the address, the phone number, the time you'll be back and...

Layla?

Layla?

Ah, First Communion. Yeah.

All the first graders are ready.

All except Jeffy "God is dead" Smith. Twit.

Well, we are still waiting on the children's white Bibles.

But the crepe decorations have arrived.

Oh, wonderful.

What? Vouzou Hanal.

He signed for this, too.

Oh, no, that's Yasir Hamoudi's signature.

- Yasir? - Mm.

Of course.

Vouzou Hanal is Yasir Hamoudi. I knew it.

Oh, no, you didn't. I just told you.

Well, I know it now.

But the question is, what is Vouzou up to?

He's here. Christ has come again.

Another Jesus?

Way to spoil a surprise. Sign here.

Well, I've had enough surprises for a while. Thank you.

- Now, open. Open it. - Okay, okay.

Come on.

Let's get this into place as quickly as possible.

Come on. Come on.

And then all of our problems will be...

Just beginning.

Now that's one big Black Jesus.

Hallelujah

Okay, let me get this straight. You say it's African-looking Jesus?

No, I'm saying it's Black.

Whoever heard of a Black Jesus?

There are some people who believe that Jesus...

Yes, fine. You've heard of it. You can stop showing off now.

He's Black. This is terrible.

I mean, not that he's Black. It's great that he's Black.

I mean, it's not great for us.

I mean, for the people who see him that way.

I mean...

I am not a racist.

Thorne is gonna freak out.

Then he's going to get mad.

Then he's gonna freak out again.

Okay, you know what we have to do here.

I am eager for advice.

As long as not tell the truth.

Tell the truth.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

Look, the only way to clear this up is to step forward and tell the truth.

The only way? Amaar, you're really not trying.

What if we would order another Jesus?

Yes, darling. But what would be the point?

A white one.

Oh, I thought you meant another Black...

Yes. Brilliant.

It'll arrive in 24 hours. We're off the hook.

Uh, guys.

You might want to clear the Black Jesus out of the church before Thorne sees it.

Good thinking. See, now you're part of the problem.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Yes, Officer.

Dark hair, five' three", 16-years-old...

Almost 17.

Though I'm told I look older.

What? Yes, Officer. She is back.

Sorry I ran. I guess I'm just not used to that much freedom.

- Where were you? - I was just with my friends.

And then Toby offered me a ride home.

Well, I hope you said "no."

Of course I did.

- I already had a ride with Fletcher. - Fletcher?

Hey, Layla. There's nobody here,

we should call the guys and throw a massive...

A massive what?

I'm going.

That's a wise choice.

Okay, forget what I said earlier. It's time that we had "some rules."

Yasir.

Partly cloudy, with a chance of...

Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay. Where do you want to hide it?

No idea. Don't they make smaller sizes, like a dashboard Jesus?

Or a bobblehead.

Thanks so much for helping us lie.

Okay. I'm not helping anybody lie.

I'm just trying to protect my mosque until you two make this right.

Hey, I don't need the lecture.

- Do you think this is fun for me? - It is for me.

- Yeah, I know, me, too. - That's good.

Amaar?

- Quick, he's coming. - You are gonna help us.

- I'm not gonna lie for anybody. - I understand.

Amaar?

- Hurry up. - Into the mosque.

Okay.

- It's just me and you. - Yeah, I'm right here for you.

So, Yasir Hamoudi.

Or should I say "Vouzou Hanal"?

Who?

Don't play coy with me, Vouzou.

I know what you're up to.

You hear that, Yasir? He knows all about it.

Darling, he knows nothing.

I know that you signed for the package. I know that you opened the package.

Okay, maybe he knows something.

So, my question for you is, what's underneath that tarp?

Nothing that you'd want to see.

It's a Black Jesus.

- Oh! Sarah, why would you say that? - I got scared.

Are you sure it's not where you're hiding my missing Bibles?

Hallelujah

Nope.

It's a Black Jesus.

Hmm. Must be some sort of Muslim thing.

- Yes. - Yeah?

Well, at any rate, I know you've got my Bibles,

and I won't let you sabotage the sacrament of Holy Communion.

Bibles? What Bibles?

Yes, what Bibles?

Fine. Yes. Yes. Yes. Be that way. Yes.

But mark my words, the authorities will be notified.

We need to get something straight.

Oh, I get it. You want me to wear hijab, too?

What are you talking about?

I won't do it, you know. It's crazy.

Well, I wouldn't say that it's crazy.

No offense. I just don't get how you deal with it.

Wearing hijab is how I choose to show my devotion to God and Islam.

Well, I guess I'm not as devoted as you. I just can't wear it.

I'm not saying you're not devoted.

I don't drink, I don't date, I pray five times a day,

but it's never enough for my dad.

Or you, I guess.

Layla, you're a great Muslim.

It's not about what's on your head. It's about what's in your heart.

Thanks. You're way better than my dad.

Don't worry about what's good enough for us.

It's between you and God.

Just figure out what's right for you.

And never bring Fletcher into my house again.

What?

You're way worse than my dad.

Oh.

Hello, Officer Doug, I'd like to report a stolen...

- Box of Bibles? - Never mind.

Finally, my Bibles.

Yeah, I delivered them by mistake to Saint Gregory the Divine.

Now, if I can just get the other box?

What other box?

- You know, the one with the statue. - Statue?

Oh, yes. Was it a big African American Jesus?

- No, that one's yours. - What do you mean, that one...

I want the other one. The white one.

White one? Wait.

There are two Jesuses?

- Jesuses? - Jesuses.

That doesn't sound right. But you're the priest.

Yes. Yes.

And white Jesus has white fingers.

Okay.

Why don't you get back to me when you and your finger have more time?

Yes.

A-ha!

So, how did it go with Thorne?

Fine, I guess.

Oh, that's good.

- He seemed mad. - That's bad.

- He didn't yell at us, though. - That's good.

- He saw the Black Jesus. - That's bad.

- Didn't seem upset about it. - Oh, that's good.

- He went on about his Bibles instead. - That's odd.

He said he was going to call the authorities.

That's terrible.

- So, we put the Jesus back in the church. - That's... Why?

We didn't know what else to do.

Why did we put the the Jesus back?

- It was your idea. - It was yours.

I was happy spending time together.

- Me, too. - It's nice.

Enough. We got to get it out of there.

- What? - Come on.

Hello, Father Shepard. Hi.

If you're still looking for your statue, you might want to get over here.

Mercy Anglican. Yes.

No. No. No. We haven't met.

I'm Reverend Thorne. Yes.

So here she is.

How is Little Miss I Know Everything About Raising Teenagers?

- Terrible. - You say everything is wonderful, but...

- What did you say? - Baber, she needs to live with you.

Did she say that?

No, she said, I'm as bad as you, but...

So now who's laughing out the other side of her hijab.

Baber.

She should be with you. She's your daughter.

And you're a great father.

I am a great father.

But I cannot force her to return.

I forced her to collect garbage. I forced her to wear hijab.

I mean, all this forcing makes me look like the bad guy.

Instead...

I shall bide my time.

And when she least expects it,

kablooey!

Everyone loves me.

That's your plan?

"Kablooey" is your plan?

I'm asking you as a friend,

to keep her, please. Just a little bit longer.

- Are you sure? - As sure as I am about anything.

- Okay, Baber. - Thank you, Sister Rayyan.

And don't worry, Layla will come back.

When she hates me more than she hates you.

Yes, I don't see it taking too long.

- Be careful. Very fragile. - Okay, I am.

- Yes, come on. - Even leaner.

Even, even.

Hello, Hamoudis.

Reverend Thorne.

What are you doing?

Oh, we were just taking our Jesus for a little walk,

and now we have to get him home for his rest.

Jesus loves the air,

but look who I'm telling.

Now, uh, you didn't happen to break a Jesus, did you?

- No. - Yes, we did.

- Oh, Sarah. - Good for you, telling the truth.

I didn't mean to. I wanted to lie, but...

Which makes me a bad Muslim and a bad liar.

Look, Reverend,

they had nothing to do with this.

Noble.

And neither did I.

Less noble.

I'm afraid that's not going to work. You see, I've got proof.

I'm sorry.

We didn't mean to break the normal one. I mean, the white one.

I mean, not that white is normal.

I am not a racist.

No one meant to break your statue.

It's not mine.

No, that's the best part. I mean, Anglicans don't have statues.

I knew that.

- We find them offensive. - Yes, they do.

Except for this one, which I find hilarious.

Look, surely we can forget about this.

I could, but the town won't.

I mean, a Muslim breaking a Catholic statue in an Anglican church,

it's priceless.

Actually, no, it was pretty reasonable. But they do get you for the shipping.

Now, this, a big Black Jesus.

Oh, I can't wait to see Father Shepard's face when he walks in here

and he sees that his Jesus has been replaced with this.

He'll take one look at the big Black Jesus and say...

It's beautiful.

Father Shepard.

You haven't met, have you?

Father Shepard,

this is the reverend, William Thorne.

- So, he really liked it? - Yeah.

Father Shepard said he looked all over the place for a Black Jesus.

- So it all worked out. - Yeah. What are the odds?

Hey, I got another package for you.

No, that's the other Jesus we ordered.

Oh, thanks for ruining the surprise, again.

- Darling, snippers. - Here.

Is that Japanese?