Original subtitles

Reverend, would love to chat with you about the rent.

Listen, Bunny, if that's your real name,

I want my money.

Who cares where you get it?

Sell cookies if you must, just pay up.

The Girl Guides are behind on their hall fees.

If there was a badge for whining.

You were saying?

It's about our cash flow.

Oh, I know, Al Qaeda, they just take, take, take.

Well, we actually went over budget on a certain "fun fair".

But don't worry,

we'll have the rent for you just a few days late.

Oh, this old song.

Yes, always starts out as a few days and then ends up as never.

Come on, cut me a break.

Cut me a check.

- Mercy Anglican is a business. - It's a church.

It's a church with no money. No, no more free rides.

All the support groups have paid up,

the gamblers, the addicts, even the deadbeat dads.

You know, they have more money than you think.

How about an extension? What does the Bible say?

"Blessed is he who ponies up the dough."

- Book of collection? - Yes, and thus endeth the lesson.

And here cometh the door.

Amaar, if it's that desperate, I could lend you money.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I can to prove to Reverend Thorne that the mosque can come up with the cash.

So, how are everyone's favorite enemies of the state?

Uh, not great. The mosque...

Nobody cares. Just making conversation.

Skip to the part where you ask me how I'm doing.

Can we skip to the part where you say goodbye?

I'm jim-dandy. Thank you very much.

Because after a year of planning,

the biggest radio giveaway in Mercy history is finally here.

Brand new car.

- Wow! What kind? - Well, who can say?

Still, a contest is a good idea.

Maybe we can have a contest at the mosque to raise money.

Good idea.

I know, a 30-hour famine.

Bad idea.

It's a fundraiser.

Oh, goody, a fundraiser.

Well, you Muslims sure know how lame up a contest.

Except there's no time, rent's due in three days.

I can't get it together so fast.

Well, maybe you can't, but we can.

- Are going to help? - No, you're going to help.

I'm going to take over.

Hi. Have you seen my husband, Yasir?

I've forgotten what he looks like.

You mean the one with the rugged good looks of a poet

and the soul of a lumberjack?

Wait. Reverse that.

I'm dying of loneliness. You're making jokes?

Sorry, darling, but I'm busy.

And you know you have to strike while the iron is hot.

That's the first rule of iron striking. You do not want a strike a cold iron.

Well, it's just that we barely talk anymore.

You're right.

I'm sorry, my little peony.

Let's talk.

You first. Come on.

Well, okay, I was, um...

Did you know Fred's giving away a car?

Yes, I may have heard something.

...one thing's for sure, it'll have wheels.

We checked it had wheels, right? Really?

Well, wheels that will be available...

All you have to do is keep your hand on the car the longest.

Holding on to some no-wheeled wonder for hours?

I cannot think of anything worse.

Hey, guys, would you two like to be part of

the mosque's 30-hour famine this weekend?

Oh! We would love to, but we're busy.

Yeah, we're doing Fred's radio contest.

Oh, okay.

I thought of something worse.

Okay.

So far, half the mosque has volunteered for the famine.

That's amazing.

- How'd you get them on such short notice? - I have my ways.

- Did you threaten them? - That's one of my ways.

I still cannot believe we are doing this.

That Rayyan is very scary.

I told you, you must not meet her gaze.

Baber, you are the mosque's treasurer. It's your fault we don't have any money.

No, it is not. I am the treasurer, but it's not my job to get the money.

My job is to treasure it, which I do.

It's very little, but I do treasure it.

- So, we're off the hook? - Well, we're off one hook.

But there is another sharper hook that digs deeper right...

You didn't get any pledges.

That's the hook.

I put the sign-up sheet right by the register.

Not one signature.

I even left a pencil with a string on it.

So the pencil couldn't get away?

Wait a minute.

If the people won't come to the pencil, the pencil will have to go to the people.

All I need is some scissors.

Well, it's a very, very exciting day here, folks.

I'm certainly glad you've all come out to join us

to touch this beautiful vehicle and...

Hey, Yasir and Sarah Hamoudi are here.

Hi, guys. Thanks for coming out.

This is so exciting.

Yeah, it's 20 pounds of excitement in a ten-pound bag.

I'm sorry, darling. I've got five jobs on the go, you know?

Are they expecting you there?

I'm a contractor, no one ever expects me.

It just feels like you want to be somewhere else.

Oh, darling. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with...

Carl! Yeah!

No, but I'm stuck here. Oh, I wish.

I don't... Carl, I don't know...

Amaar, taking notes?

Yes. I suppose you could learn a thing or two from me.

I already have.

Shouldn't you be sweating, pleading, packing?

Actually, I'll be starving.

The mosque is raising money with a 30-hour famine.

Ah, what a wonderful idea.

That might raise enough for your moving truck.

Well, with the pledges we've got, we just might make it.

You're bluffing. Who would pledge you money?

- Good luck, Amaar. - Thank you.

What can I say? Your flock is generous.

Touché.

But you're playing a dangerous game.

Horseshoe and dodgeball are the dangerous games. This is survival.

As long as we Muslims can stay away from food for the next 30 hours,

you and I are still roomies.

Hmm.

I found a spot.

Yeah, the spot's really good. Spot's good.

Tell me about the Jenkins deal. How's that going?

Hey there, sports fans.

Ann, shouldn't you be at work?

I declared a holiday. It's "Win the Mayor a Car Day".

But you already have a car.

Had. They impounded it.

What idiot approved a stop sign on King Street?

That would be you.

Not my fault. I didn't vote for me.

Hey, Hamoudis.

If it isn't Mercy's favorite dynamic duo. Go a little back.

- Honey, let's take a picture. - Go further.

- Right, right. - A little further. Perfect.

Aren't you just here to cover the story?

Oh, but I am.

I can see the headlines now. "Deserving journalist wins car."

Take a photo.

Smile.

There.

- Oh, isn't that sweet? - Adorable.

- We'll destroy him. - Ann!

He's too young to drive.

I'll be doing him a favor by beating him.

Besides, I thought you were taking the day off.

Oh, I just want a little quality couple time.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Oh, I lost the signal!

All you need now is a quality couple.

Well, welcome, folks, to the First Annual Tupper Touch-Off.

Yeah, brought to us by our good friends at the Snooks Used Cars.

"Don't buy from a crook. Come to Snook."

- That's their slogan? - What?

Well, let's get things underway then, shall we?

So, uh, get ready, get set, don't go.

Okay, I think that's everyone.

And that makes all the pledges.

- So, we did it? - Barely.

If no one drops out, we'll squeak by.

We organized a 30-hour famine in one day.

- We rock! - Yeah.

And not a moment too soon.

Three, two, one, starve.

- I'm really hungry. - Yeah, me, too.

- We really should have eaten first. - I know, but I was so excited.

I know, this is going to be the best famine ever.

I bet nobody has said that before.

You're right. Doesn't sound very good.

"Most fun famine ever"? That sounds worse.

It really does.

Look, as long as everyone that signed up goes without food for 30 hours,

we'll get the pledges and all the money we need.

Was the Reverend upset you got pledges from his congregation?

Yeah, at first. But then he came around.

Even pledged $10, prepaid.

I don't know why he gave it all in change, though.

Although, I'm beginning to get the picture.

- Isn't this fun? - It's a tough question to answer.

"Yes, it isn't fun," or, "No, it's not fun."

I'm gonna say yes and no.

Come on, Grumpy Guts. I've got some fun things to pass the time.

Crosswords.

Sarah, I love you, but you are terrible at crosswords.

No, I'm not.

But I do love to eat. So, what food did we bring?

- Food? - Yeah.

Four letter word, the thing we need to live.

Right, I've got it.

- Good. - I solved date down.

You forgot the food?

You mean we're stuck here with no food in this ridiculous contest?

Oh, we're stuck here now, are we?

Well, not anymore.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Oh.

- You've hit your head. Sorry. - Hey!

Oh, you're out.

Excuse me, coming through.

Coming through. Thank you.

- You're out, too. I'm sorry. - Come on.

Stuck? Did I say stuck?

I didn't mean stuck. I didn't mean stuck.

Maybe you should let her go. She needs her space.

- Let's not overreact. - Sure.

Maybe it was a mistake.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

He just accidentally put a huge candy machine right outside the mosque,

minutes before we start our 30-hour famine. Oops.

It's just a candy machine.

We're not going to lose anyone.

Baber's out.

Barber, you can't eat that.

Oh, you are mistaken, deliciously mistaken.

- If you do, you'll lose your money. - I'm okay with that.

You'll make Amaar look like a failure.

He's used to it by now.

Barber, if you eat that, Christians will win.

- What? - Yes.

The Reverend put that there to tempt us.

To prove that Muslims were weak and couldn't go the 30 hours.

Oh, we will show him.

No Muslim will eat from this unholy box of temptation while I am on duty.

Great. I got to talk to Thorne.

Yes. Stop this.

Prove to him you are not the weak and spineless coward people say you are.

- Who's been saying that? - Mainly me, but I'm hoping it'll spread.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay, Sarah, this is ridiculous.

Nate, would you please tell my husband that he's the one being ridiculous.

- I got a message for you, Mr. H. - I heard.

Mayor, could you please tell my wife that I love her,

or I wouldn't be in this insane contest.

Sarah, he's saying something about how crazy your ideas are.

- That's not what I said. - Don't shoot the messenger.

Nate, please tell my husband

that when he says things like that, it hurts.

Oh, can you find out if he has gum?

- This one's a two-parter. - Thank you, Nate.

Okay, everyone, make a tunnel with your arm.

Coming through. Coming through. Coming through.

- Hey! - I'm so sorry.

- Yasir, what are you doing here? - Darling, you're right.

This was supposed to be about time together.

But you know how I am

and how distracted I can get.

Who is Joe Morton and why is he calling me?

Oh.

Okay, from now on, I'm all yours.

We're going to win this thing together.

- No matter how long it takes. - All right. Uh-oh.

- What's wrong? - I have to use the little winner's room.

I know. Me, too.

Really bad.

That paper is three weeks old.

Yes, but it's from Toronto. And any news from Toronto's good news.

"Garbage strike enters third week."

Yeah, home sweet home.

A vending machine in the mosque.

- Really? - What?

You had a mosque full of hungry Muslims.

They're supposed to be hungry. It's a 30-hour famine.

If they eat one of your chocolate bars, it's all over.

And so is your mosque.

What an unforeseen consequence.

Now, come on. That is not fair.

Oh, it's fair.

You should check the rules before you play the game.

What? You want me to apologize for raising money from your congregation?

Thank you.

Is that so hard?

I tell you what, since you've repented, why don't I get that machine moved today?

Thanks.

That was easy.

A little too easy.

What? It seemed like the thing to say.

Oh, boy.

- Don't worry, dear. - Yeah.

As long as we stick together, we can get through this.

At least everyone is suffering.

Not me.

I took certain measures.

Absorbent measures, if you know what I mean.

Are you wearing a diaper?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Wow. I'm impressed and disgusted, but mostly impressed.

There's no way we can beat Nate. He can hold on forever.

Oh, you two. You're way too nice.

Let me show you how to play this game.

Are you gonna bribe him?

Nice try, but I can't be bought.

Oh, that's too bad. Think fast!

- Nice arm. - That's one down.

Don't worry.

- Hey! - I have a few more tricks up my sleeve.

- Think fast! - That's the same trick.

You're right. I really should've thought... Think fast!

- Oh, you're good. - Yeah, thank you. It's a skill...

Think fast!

Will you stop doing that?

You're very odd.

And as we deprive ourselves of food for the eighth hour,

we find nourishment from somewhere else.

I'm talking about faith.

Faith in God.

And faith that those around us will help us to avoid temptation.

Temta...

Tem...

Temptation.

Uh, I'm glad you're here.

You have no idea how annoying that thing is.

Tell me about it.

That noise can drive you crazy.

Ka-chunk. Ka-chunk. Ka-chunk.

- Ka-chunk. - Okay, yes.

Well, we're just glad you're taking it away.

Oh, I ain't taking it.

I'm here because you ordered more candy.

Somebody here loves their dunk-a-chunk bars.

Yeah, that'd be me. They're amazing.

I'm sure they're not that good.

Are you kidding?

They're like a nougat angel sleeping on a chocolate waterbed,

but with nuts.

Okay.

But he promised me he was going to get you to move it.

Oh, right.

There. That should be better.

Uh, not really.

- I'm gonna take care of this. - Okay.

That Reverend is a gummy snake in the grass.

You better do something quick. Looks like they're about to crack.

Do not worry. We'll make sure that no Muslim enters

this unholy Christian sinkhole of western decadence.

Right, Faisal?

Faisal?

You cannot eat this. This is not allowed. You know this.

Well, eight hours in and it's a grueling inhumane marathon.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, you're praying. Sorry.

Poor choice of words. Go on.

Amen.

Something wrong?

Yeah, something is wrong.

The machine, it's still there.

I wanted to get rid of it. Really, I did.

But the man in charge told me not to.

God told you not to get rid of a vending machine?

No, Horace, the delivery guy, told me they're real moneymakers.

I could make 200 bucks a month off of Joe alone.

But I apologized.

I know, I was there. I enjoyed it.

Could you at least move the machine outside the prayer hall?

I think it's perfect where it is.

Think about it. Ask it for what your heart desires,

and ka-chunk, there it is.

In a way, it's a lot like prayer, but even more delicious.

It's nothing like prayer.

Prayer is about strength and faith, not about wish fulfillment.

Maybe you're not doing it right.

You know compassion.

Not much, but I'm praying to improve.

Wish me luck.

Then there were four.

Boo!

And then there were three.

You're getting less subtle.

It's a gift.

You two should really give up.

I'm not saying I'm unbeatable but...

- Boo! - Oh, dear God!

And then there were two.

Sarah, you are a cold, unscrupulous monster.

I've taught you well.

- Well done, darling. - We did it.

It's just us. We did it. We are a team.

Yes. Yes, and now,

one of us just has to take their hands off...

- Hmm. - ...And the other one wins.

- Right, so... - So...

Well, it's already been almost ten hours.

I think we're gonna make it.

Wait.

This is not a parking meter.

Where am I?

Or not. But what else can we do?

Baber, I need your help.

Grab on.

Where? Where the machine is tipping over, crushing the stick man?

Perfect.

All right, darling. Just let go and we can go home.

- Or here's a thought, you let go. - Or you let go.

I like your idea, but I have one small suggestion.

- Listening. - You let go.

- You let go! - I'll let go!

- I'll let go! Damn it! - Got you.

This is silly.

We said we'll spend some time together, we did.

Oh, you're right. Okay. I'll let go.

- I'll let go! - You let go.

Nice try. I'll let go.

All right, we'll let go together on the count of three.

- On three? - On three. One, two, three.

Well, congratulations to you two lovebirds.

In a way, you both win.

Oh, that's so sweet.

But in another much more real way, yeah, you both lose.

- What? - Well, if you read the rules,

you'd know that working in tandem

with other contestants is actually cheating.

- What? - You're disqualified.

What?

The real winner is whoever was touching it before.

That means the winner is...

Holy crap!

I win. I win! I've never won anything in my life.

You're the mayor. You've won the election twice.

I've never won anything that mattered.

We'll push this into my office and lock the door.

- Brilliant. How much further? - About 50 feet.

Break time.

- It's hopeless. - I know.

I can't do it. I can't beat him at his game.

Wait a second.

Maybe I should go back to my game.

We're done. Come on, Baber, get up.

I cannot. Leave me.

Okay, everyone,

if you want to buy candy, then go ahead.

Buy some.

Just remember, that all the hours you've gone without food are meaningless

and the money our mosque needs is lost.

Is this a trick?

No. No trick.

Just my faith that you'll all do the right thing.

You really don't have a trick? I really like tricks.

I like card tricks. I like coin tricks, yo-yo tricks.

Like the walk the dog trick.

Yeah, I'm really hungry.

Astaghfirullah!

I cannot do it.

I didn't think so.

Aha!

So, it was a trick.

Good one.

Come, everybody.

Burgers, fries, curry, kebabs and Pepto.

Joe was right.

I am in a nougat chocolate happy bed.

Your rent.

Well, well. Congratulations.

Thank you. And now that this is over,

I think it's handy having a snack machine there.

Yes, I sent it back.

Of course you did.

Can I ask you how you did it?

I stood before your machine and asked for what I really wanted,

and boom!

There it was.

Like you said, it is a lot like prayer.

Ask and you shall receive.

Your cake.