Original subtitles

Hi, Mom.

How does it feel to be going home to your own house?

So good.

I am looking forward to a little alone time.

Just me and Mr. Couch.

I hear you. Don't forget to have a big, healthy dinner.

Yeah, I'll probably just open up a can of

seven course meal.

Ta-da!

How did you guys get in here?

Once again, ta-da!

That key is for emergencies only.

Hungry daughter is an emergency.

Oh, a victimless crime

is a crime nonetheless.

I told you, Yasir. I told him. I told you.

You promised not to drop by uninvited.

- That doesn't sound like us. - I've been here one week.

You found an excuse to come by every single night.

To be fair, they were good excuses.

Okay, you need to learn boundaries.

- Boundaries, yeah. Boundaries. - Okay, how's this for a boundary?

We leave you alone for a whole week.

- Yeah, right. - And if we don't,

- we will give you back our key. - What?

- What? - What?

I'll hold you to your word.

- You see what happens when you talk? - I had to suggest something.

- No, you didn't... - I did.

Thank you for dinner!

Need a plant? I've got so many.

Seems every time I convert someone, I get another.

This time, I got a Ficus.

I think that's a fern.

No, no. Jim Ficus.

Yes, he may have been baptized United, but when he goes, the funeral's on us.

It's all part of my four point parish growth plan.

Convert the outsiders, charm the faithful,

guilt trip the fallen, and bingo!

Never forget bingo.

Yes, but conversion in Islam is about finding God.

We're not out to rack up a high score.

Well, just as well. Because you're losing.

In fact, I'm starting to think that a mosque in a church is a good thing.

Yes, I can be a missionary without all the travel.

I've got an all-you-can-greet buffet right here in my own building.

I guess that's why I'm here. I'm the spiritual sneeze guard.

Bless you.

You know, I've had particular success with the ladies.

I can't wait to talk one on one with some Muslim mademoiselles.

- But you can't. - Hmm?

Not alone. It's not proper without a chaperone.

A chaperone? You're kidding.

You're not kidding. That's hilarious.

Wait, let me check my watch.

Nope. Still the 21st century.

- A chaperone? - It's not that ridiculous.

It's ridiculous enough.

Oh, I look forward to speaking to them.

Uh, with a chaperone of course. They should be easy to win over

with my futuristic tales of fire and the wheel.

Oh, Fatima, Assalamu alaikum.

Walaikum assalam.

What an unexpected surprise.

Not for me, I knew I was coming. You said, "Drop by anytime."

You know that's an expression, right?

So, are you going to invite me in?

Right. Yes, of course. Come on in.

I was just going to watch a movie.

- Popcorn? - What garbage!

You need a real snack. Try this.

Mmm, crispy fava beans.

Start the movie while I toss this out.

Okay.

Perfect.

A romantic dinner.

Oh, this is just like our first date, without the food poisoning.

Yeah.

We don't have to worry about another setting.

We don't have to worry about Rayyan getting home safely.

We don't have to worry about her all alone in her big home.

Or if her smoke detectors work.

We don't have to worry about...

Wait. We can't do this, we promised.

Of course.

And when she's all alone and on fire,

we can comfort ourselves with the fact that we kept our promise.

Yeah.

- I'll get my coat. - Read my mind.

Let's go.

Why is this man crying? He's a baby.

His dog just died.

Back home, I had many animals die. Goats, chickens.

- I never cried. - Your pets?

No. They were delicious.

If you don't like the movie, you don't have to stay.

Do not tempt me.

How would it look if I left you here all alone?

I can only imagine.

This is ridiculous.

If we get caught sneaking, she'll take our keys.

Let's not get caught, it's not as if you've never snuck before.

You see the blinking light on the smoke detector?

- That means it's working. - Oh, look,

Fatima's visiting. You see, Yasir?

She's safe, she's got company. Can we go home now?

Ah, I see you've given her a new kettle. What a good mother you are.

- No. I gave her our old one. - It has a short in it. It's a fire hazard.

- What kind of mother are you? - Why would you keep one with a short?

Because it's perfectly good, apart from the short.

We have to replace it with a new one.

I'll go get it. I'll be back.

Ah, the end.

Are you sure you wanted to turn the TV off?

I could stay and watch another one of your stupid movies.

- I could even drink your tea. - Oh.

Well, I could put the kettle on.

No, no.

Please don't. I was kidding.

But thanks for a lovely evening.

And thank you for an evening.

Good night.

And you'll see we have as much room for conservatives in our church as you do.

We're a big tent.

That is a tent I would never camp in.

Ah, well...

- What's going on? - He was trying to convert me. Me!

What? Is this true?

Can't blame a guy for trying.

No, I blame a guy. I blame you.

You're mad at me because he tried to convert you?

That's his job as a heathen damnation salesman.

Your job is to stop him.

But it's not like you were tempted.

Not everyone is as devout as I.

What are you saying?

That man is a wolf in wolf's clothing.

You mean "sheep's clothing".

Why would a wolf wear sheep's clothing? He'd look ridiculous.

You know, you're right to be insulted.

Really? I was right?

You actually thought I was right?

In fact, how dare he attack any of my sheep?

Don't worry. Your shepherd is on the job.

I have it. Are you ready?

Yes, fine. We're going to sneak in,

replace it with a new one and sneak out before anyone's the wiser.

I was gonna knock on the door and present it.

Really? How would that conversation go?

"Hey, Rayyan, funny story.

"We noticed something while peeking through your window."

And then I'd lose my precious, precious key.

Watch out, Gollum.

She's sorting shoes, she'll be hours. Come on.

Careful!

Shh! I am careful.

I'll change the kettle. It'll only take a second.

Glass, glass.

Glass, glass, glass.

Let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Halt! Who goes there? Stand down!

I'm telling you, there are prowlers in our midst. It's time to fight back.

People of Mercy should take the law into their own hands.

Fred, you don't often have good ideas.

- But? - Oh, how I wish there was a "but."

I didn't get a good look at them, but the guy was swarthy

with an athletic build.

She was lean and tall.

Wait a minute.

Yasir, Sarah.

You know anybody who looks like that?

- No. No, no. - No.

Are you sure you saw anybody? Maybe it was a bad dream.

- Yeah, that's what it was. A dream. - Yeah.

Well, I guess maybe...

Could've been a dream... Hold it.

Can it with the Jedi mind tricks.

You don't believe me, do you? Hmm?

Just another nutty rant from crazy old Fred, right?

Right.

Oh.

- Amaar, sorry. You wanted that. - No, you take it.

That was my second choice. I was actually thinking of getting, uh...

My Pal Jesus 3: Picnic of the Lord?

Sure, I haven't really seen Two, so I'd be seeing them out of order, so...

Forget it. Um...

- How's the new house? - Oh, it's cute.

- You should drop by. - Great.

Sometimes when your parents are there, otherwise...

You'd need a chaperone, if I know my Muslim.

- Right? - Right.

Amaar never mentioned that you knew so much about Islam.

He didn't? Isn't that odd?

Actually, I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned much about you at all.

What can I say, gossip is un-Islamic.

Well, chaperoning sounds like fun.

I'd be happy to do it.

Don't put yourself out, please.

No, no, it's my pleasure. I've never been inside a Muslim's lair before.

Oh, we call them caves.

Ah, excellent.

You know, I feel it's time for me to start reaching out to my Muslim neighbors.

Ignore that feeling.

So, yes. I'll see you both tonight.

- Great. - Great.

That is so nice. You know, he didn't have to do that.

He certainly did not.

Hey, Yas, I left my keys at work. Can I use yours?

Yeah.

What's the matter?

No key, no key. Can't find our key.

- It's right there in your hand. - No, our key to Rayyan's place.

Where did you last see it?

Had it last night in Rayyan's place.

- Oh, Yasir. - Oh, I couldn't have.

- You did. - I did.

- You wouldn't. - I would.

- We shouldn't. - We must. We have to go back and get it.

- Wait. - What?

Yasir, what are you doing?

Oh, good, good.

My fellow prairie dogs,

I stand before you today not only as your fearless leader...

- Who died and made you leader? - Jeff did.

Yeah. Good old Jeff. I miss him.

Yeah, me, too.

Try to stay on topic, people.

Now this town is under siege by thugs, ruffians and garbage can rattlers.

The police won't even take me seriously.

They refer to me as, and I quote, "Fred, again."

- Those bastards. - Yeah.

But Mercy needs a vigilante group.

You know, like, the Guardian Angels.

That's copyrighted.

Fine, then. The Mercy Mob.

Guys, I'm happy to hang, but I don't think I can do any of the mob junk.

For Pete's sake, Jimmy. Why not?

It's Audrey and me. We're Quakers.

I'm pretty sure there's a no mob rule.

Well, could you unofficially hang out with us while we did mob-y things?

No problem.

Good.

Let's get out there and protect those houses of Mercy.

- Like my house. - No, like my house.

- Mercy Mob! - Mercy Mob!

Let's hurry before she gets home.

You're awfully good at opening locked windows.

I'm a contractor, we often forget our keys.

If you'd remember this key, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Okay, come on.

You sure we should be doing this?

I mean, shouldn't we respect Rayyan's privacy?

Ow! Ah!

Once we find our key, we will show her deep, lasting and abiding respect.

Now, help me look through her things.

Why am I the one who breaks in?

You're smaller, more agile

- and I'm too pretty for jail. - What?

Go. Just go.

Just tell me if anyone's coming.

Yasir. Yasir!

Ooh.

You should have invited Baber.

Next time.

Well, here it is.

Oh, I thought I closed that.

What a quaint cottage.

How delightfully rural.

Well, I still have

a few repairs to do.

I just moved out of my parent's place.

At your age?

Perfectly normal for a good Muslim woman.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm used to Anglican women who enjoy much more freedom and trust.

- That must be nice. - Yes.

Very fulfilling.

- Rayyan is fulfilled. - Ah.

Tell him, Rayyan. You're fulfilled.

Tell him how fulfilled you are.

- Who wants popcorn? - What's a movie without popcorn?

Now, there's a man after my own heart.

I know what you're trying to do.

Amaar, come on. I'm just here to watch a movie.

Of course, if religion happens to come up, what can I do?

Okay. You're trying to get to me, but it's not going to work.

Good to know.

Does anyone want some cookies?

Oh, I believe I would.

What do you believe, Rayyan?

- Fred? - Yasir?

Uh, I was here just to, um, you know...

Save it, Hamoudi.

I know what you're up to.

- You do? - You heard about the prowler

and wanted to protect your daughter.

- Busted. - Well, come on over, pal.

You can be part of the Mercy Mob.

Yeah.

Um, so you all part of this mob?

All except me.

He's of the mob. He's not in the mob.

Right. Right.

Yeah. Nothing's getting past us, my friendly.

Yeah, I'm sure getting by you would certainly pose a big problem.

It's kind of you to serve us, Rayyan,

I'd feel better if you'd let me help in the kitchen.

Well, aren't you a liberated man.

I think you'll find we Anglicans are very progressive.

You know, we have female ministers.

Even...

Sounds wonderful.

You know, this may sound crazy, but have you ever thought of a change?

- What kind of change? - Reverend, that is inappropriate.

Have you ever thought of buttering your popcorn?

I mean, think of the calories.

I don't know. I guess I always just thought popcorn was fine without it.

Yes, but what if popcorn wasn't fine without it?

What if popcorn only thinks it's fine without it?

What if popcorn doesn't know what popcorn's missing?

Although, what if popcorn doesn't want to be buttered?

What if popcorn's tired of being buttered up?

What if popcorn's happy being "popcorn"?

Amaar, relax. It's just popcorn.

Something is wrong here.

The couch is out from the wall.

Would you guys push it back for me?

Sure.

It's like there's something stuck behind there.

Well, hello there.

Oh, that's where my exercise ball went. Toss it.

Well, this is fun.

Never been part of a mob before.

I still haven't.

- Hello? - Yasir, I'm in the closet.

- You're where? - I'm in Rayyan's closet.

You have to come get me.

- You want me to do what? - Come and get me.

- No, I'm with Fred. - Come and get me!

- Get... Just wait a minute. - Wait? Yasir...

This is someone here who says there's been a sighting of the prowler

down the street outside of the Wilson house.

Wilson house? To the Wilson house, boys!

Yeah!

- Crazy mob! - Crazy mob.

Okay, I'm outside.

They're all just watching TV.

Now. Look, I want you to open the closet, crawl towards the window,

and then, voila, home free.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

I think we need plan B.

Okay, look. I'll go to the kitchen, come and open the closet.

I've got a really good feeling about this one.

Hey, that's my sweater.

Ah, chaperoning, good times, hmm?

I put the kettle on, we can all have tea.

Ah, tea, yes.

Have you ever been to an old fashioned Anglican high tea?

- Have you ever been to a kebab roast? - What?

High tea. You know, it's cakes and scones, cream and jam.

Oh, and the sweetest thing of all, community.

You know, I am so glad you came over.

When I hear you talk about your church, I see your faith in a new light.

You know, it's as if I'm discovering it anew as I share it with you.

Not that she's interested.

I am very interested.

You clearly have so much passion for your church.

Yes, we love to give people a sense of inclusion.

We have so much to offer.

Well, why don't you offer it to someone who actually wants it?

Well, you never know what people want until you ask.

You shouldn't be asking.

Amaar, what are you doing?

I want this man to stop trying to convert you.

Come on, move it along.

Blah, blah. Come on, buddy.

Oh, good, the prairie police.

It's Mercy Mob, actually.

Mercy Mob!

So, Rayyan, we got that prowler at the Wilson place.

Turns out, it was...

Huh, Tuffy Wilson.

I was just putting out the garbage and, bam, down I go!

- You tackled him? - Hey, no big deal.

- Ain't the first time. - And it won't be the last.

- Mercy Mob! - Mercy Mob!

I didn't get to tackle him because, you know, I'm Quaker.

And you brought him here?

Why don't we take the Tuftster out for an apology brew?

Yeah, you're right.

Listen, since it was your dad's hot tip

that led to the bust, why doesn't he join us?

- I got it, I got it. I'm okay. - Oh! Oh!

Funny story. The old kettle looks a lot like the new one.

Dad, what is going on here?

I believe this belongs to you.

- Amaar, Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

I just wanted to drop by and thank you for a great movie night.

Really?

You forgive me for what happened last night?

Battling for my soul?

Yeah, it was positively medieval.

- Do you forgive your parents? - Yeah.

They just get nuts when they worry

and worry is an unpleasant side effect of love.

And they're coming over Sunday.

Do you want to come over for a movie night?

Rayyan, I thought that was you.

I wanted to thank you for a lovely evening.

And I wanted to apologize to you for my parents,

and the kettle fire, and the mob.

Not at all, it was a wonderful opportunity to make a conversion.

You know, you never had a chance with Rayyan, right?

Never say never. Besides, I met someone who is ready for a change.

Jimmy.

I'm no longer a Quaker.

- This is for you. - Oh, thank you.

This is for you.

Well, I guess you win some and you win some, hmm?

- Happy housewarming. - Thanks. I already got one.