Original subtitles

- Dad, the picture's level enough. - Don't be too sure.

Kareem has a perfect sense of level. It's eerie.

I think you have an inferiority complex about the Jaffers.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Does it show?

- You hide it well. - I got it.

- Oh, my gosh, they're here. - Quick, hide.

It's not a surprise party.

Kareem and Noora, welcome to our home!

Sarah. Were you ever planning on aging?

You haven't changed a bit.

- Oh. - And Rayyan, neither have you.

Really? The last time I saw you, I was nine years old.

But you were a tall nine.

Yasir, I insist you show us around.

Yes. Please, come into my palace. Into my palace.

Okay.

Is that picture level?

Ah, Rayyan, you truly have grown up beautifully.

Oh, thank you.

I can see why my J.J. would want to uproot his entire life for you.

Booyah!

Booyah on you, too.

You play like a baby.

Yeah. A very, very big intelligent baby.

Guys, guys.

What have I told you about using my office as a lounge?

We are having a board meeting.

Really? Because it looks like you're playing dominos.

- Yeah. To the untrained eye, yes. - Mmm-hmm.

Could you please take it somewhere else for once?

Because I have a sermon to work on for Rayyan's wedding.

Would you prefer we use the prayer hall?

No, of course not.

Then, your office it is. You know how the saying goes...

"When faced with two imperfect options,

"the lesser will always be sacrificed for the greater."

- Nice one. - Mmm-hmm.

Booyah!

Isn't there some saying about littering my office with Ringolos?

Strangely, no. Reload.

Okay, this party is over. Come on, let's clean up, everybody. Let's go.

We will take a vote from the board.

- All in favor of adjourning? - Aye.

- Opposed? - Nay.

Nay.

The board has spoken.

I'm sorry, Amaar, but our hands are tied.

Well, I got all I need. I can already see the headline.

"Couple Gets Married."

I can't believe you're doing a story on us.

- Neither can I. - This has three-parter written all over.

Slow news year?

Are you kidding? This is the social event of the season.

This is ridiculous.

I know, nothing is bigger than the curling finals.

I mean, it is ridiculous to make so much fuss

over something that may not even last.

Do you think your mom resents me?

My mom has no reason to resent you.

I mean, sure, it's true, her only son is moving to another hemisphere

and, you know, now she's at a wedding that she had no hand in planning.

And in a way, it is all because of...

You.

Maybe you just need to get to know each other.

What about a bridal shower?

It's the perfect place for you and Noora to bond.

Mom, that is a great idea!

All right, let's do it.

That would be so much fun.

All right. This is gonna be fun.

Bridal showers are "girls" only.

Yeah, I knew that.

I'm really glad you're here.

I can't wait to get up to no good. Just like in the old days.

But first we must talk business.

Another project in Dubai.

I have the perfect man for the job.

Uh-huh. Still doing the wink.

I can stop if you want.

Nonsense. Always be your own man.

Whatever you say.

The business we have to discuss is the mahr.

The mahr?

What's to discuss? J.J. presents Rayyan with a gift before the wedding.

- Exactly. Name your price. - What?

The gift will be money. The amount will be up to you.

Well, don't the bride and groom traditionally work this out?

Everyone knows it is really the parents who handle these things.

Why?

Does that make you uncomfortable?

No. What is a potentially massive amount of money between friends?

So, how much?

Amaar.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

- Oh, and this must be... - Kareem. Yes.

And this is Amaar, our illustrious imam.

Fantastic idea. Why don't you show Kareem around the mosque?

- Great. - Aren't you coming?

No, no. But it's very exciting, I can assure you.

And with Amaar as your guide,

you will get the Universal Studios of mosque tours.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

The mechanical shark isn't working today.

Those are more trouble than they are worth.

Trust me, I know.

This is my office.

- There you are, Mrs. Jaffer... - Uh-uh.

- Auntie. - Auntie Noora.

Noo-Noo.

Auntie Noo-Noo.

Uh, where is your husband?

Kareem wanted to see where his son's getting married.

- What about you? - Meh.

Okay. Well, I was thinking,

before the wedding, we should have a bridal shower.

That sounds nice.

- Great! - For you.

A whole second set of gifts,

all for you, for your special day.

Well, what did you do before your wedding?

We had a henna party. Very modest.

Then that's what I'll do.

Henna party. Modest, dignified, no gifts. Sound good?

- Whatever makes you happy. - Oh.

And this is the prayer hall.

So many mosques waste money

on lavish frills and basic amenities.

But you've managed to avoid all that.

I don't know what to say.

Just accept the compliment.

Don't worry,

you'll have everything you need for your son's wedding.

Uh, space, adequate parking...

Mouse! Mouse!

Uh...

Did you see how he came right for us?

Like a lion stalking a gazelle.

- We are talking about mice, right? - Mice? There's more than one?

- You're not afraid of mice, are you? - What? Don't be ridiculous.

Why should I fear their sudden movements,

their cold, dead eyes and long, sharp teeth?

You are afraid.

No. No, I... I...

Uh, I just refuse to have my son's wedding in a place of filth.

Yes, and I promise that the mice will be dealt with before the wedding.

That would be acceptable.

Are you coming down now?

Huh?

Kareem will come down when Kareem is ready to come down.

Okay, then.

I'm telling you this mahr, it smells like trouble.

Really? I smell Ringolos.

Yasir, if you're worried that this mahr subject

might cause a strain on your friendship,

I gotta tell you, it's very reasonable fear.

I thought you were going more positive there.

The mahr has been known to cause lasting feuds.

Surely, there must be some formula.

- No formula. - Guidelines?

- No guidelines. - Parameters?

Those are guidelines. Look, it's very easy.

Just be careful. Ask for too much and they'll think you're opportunistic.

Fine. I'll ask for very little.

Ask for too little, and they'll be insulted.

Okay, so when you say it's easy,

what you mean is I have to walk some dangerous cultural tightrope.

Yep. Yes, you do.

Excuse me, I have to talk to Baber.

What if I do some recon and find out how much they spend

on things like cars and vacations every year?

It'll give us an idea of what to ask for.

I like it...

But please be very, very careful broaching that subject.

Oh, trust me, I can be very subtle when I want to.

Speaking of calligraphy, Noora,

how much do you spend on things like cars and vacations every year?

- Mom! - What?

Auntie Noo-Noo, you don't have to answer that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with finding out

- how many cars are in your driveway. - No, I don't mind.

It depends on which driveway.

How many do you have?

Oh. One in Dubai, one in Monaco,

one in Singapore... Oh, and one in Manhattan.

You have a driveway in Manhattan?

Hmm, funny. That's what Trump said.

Ow! Cramping up here. Who knew this would take so long to dry?

- Is that painful, dear? - Yes.

Consider it a dress rehearsal for marriage.

Pardon?

Oh, nothing.

I think I'm going to go home.

Already. Noora, I...

Okay, I can't take this anymore.

If she's against me marrying J.J., I'm going to find out why.

I wouldn't move for another three hours.

Now, that's a momentum killer.

Okay, that's quite the number.

- I know. - Well, maybe it's too high.

- Driveway in Manhattan? - What if it's low? It looks low.

I followed the formula very carefully.

The land value less,

the building amortization, divided by 60%.

- DId you just make that up now? - Yeah.

Well, why follow a made-up formula?

It takes the emotion out of it.

Okay. The mice have to be gone by tomorrow.

Why is this my fault? Do I look like some type of Peter Piper?

The guy who picked a peck of pickled peppers?

No, the other one.

- Peter pumpkin eater. - The one with the mice.

The Pied Piper.

No, that's not it.

Okay, Baber, you are the one who leaves the food around.

I always take precautionary measures.

See? This clip is designed to lock in flavor.

Looks like some of the flavor got out.

So, you'll have the mice gone by tomorrow.

Yes.

I will clean that up also. Sorry. Goodbye.

And that, too.

My son is getting married! Cheeseburgers for all!

- I can't tell if he's joking. - Thank you.

- Tough read. - You're telling me.

Now, Yasir, let's get to the heart of the mahr.

- The heart of the mahr? - A little wordplay to lighten the mood.

Oh. Oh.

- Let's be serious. - Yes.

I've written a number on this piece of paper.

I hope it's to your liking.

I'm sure it will be.

- Is this a joke? - Do you want it to be?

Very funny, my old friend.

But time is wasting. Please, get back to me with the real amount soon.

- Sarah. - Hi.

So, how did it go?

He asked if it was a joke, and then he left.

So, was it too high or too low?

I don't know.

- Mrs. Jaffer. - Auntie.

Auntie Noo-Noo, I know.

Is there something wrong? It seems like ever since you got here,

- you've been pushing me away. - No. You're perfect.

I just don't believe marriage is right for my J.J.

So, it's not good enough for J.J., but it's good enough for you?

Kareem and I are getting a divorce.

Why?

I don't like him. He doesn't like me.

I forget the legal term.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But please, don't tell anyone, especially J.J.

Mom!

Okay, but I tell J.J. everything. That's what marriages are about.

That's what depositions are about.

I can't let him see me like this.

Promise me you won't say anything until after the wedding.

It would crush him.

- Okay. I promise. - Hey.

Mom.

Overcome with joy. Got to go.

Aren't my parents great?

Yes. So great.

I only hope we can be as happy as they are.

Yes, so happy.

You must be Jake the Exterminator?

That's what the jacket says.

Uh, nuts, forgot the jacket.

Anyway, I've been known to exterminate from time to time, yeah.

Are you sure you can help us?

Mister, I've offed more vermin than you can imagine.

Yankee sewer rats, Mexican fire weasels, Arctic termites.

It's hard to imagine any of these animals.

- What you got for me? - We seem to have a mouse.

Hey. Where there's one, there's a thousand.

Well, this one is right through there.

Evacuate the building.

Okey-dokey.

All right, let's dance.

Just to clarify...

- The dollar figure we came up with was... - Problematic.

Problematic. Of course.

How so?

Because if anyone found out, I'd be a laughing stock.

I see.

Yeah, sort of.

You know, at first I thought maybe the decimal was in the wrong place.

Ah! Ah...

I'm sorry. So, the number was too...

Inappropriate.

And I should come up with a number that's more...

Appropriate!

You okay today?

- You seem distracted. - Hmm?

Sorry, I'm just a little distracted today.

Yeah, like that.

- What are you thinking about? - Divorce.

About a friend who's thinking about divorce.

Which friend?

Noo... Norma Carmichael.

- She's a Muslim. - Doesn't sound Muslim.

Indonesia is the most populous Muslim country in the world.

- She's Indonesian. - No.

I see.

Well, um, in theory, in Islam, divorce can be quite simple.

- Well, that's a plus. - But in reality,

it's a heart-wrenching three months of emotional torture.

- Oh. - You all right?

Yeah, I'm just... I'm worried about Noreen.

- Norma? - Yes.

I gotta go.

Door's always open.

She seems chock full of pre-wedding jitters.

It's divorce jitters, actually.

She said she was worried about a friend.

Oh. She didn't use that old line, did she?

You know, whenever anyone asks for advice for a "friend,"

it's always about themselves.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- What was friend's name? - Norma Carmichael.

When the fake name is that terrible, it's usually a cry for help.

Yeah.

- Kareem. - Yasir.

Wow!

What are you listening to?

I found a radio station that claims

never to play the same song twice between 9:00 and 5:00.

We'll see. We'll see.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm glad I ran into you.

Because I've been thinking about the mahr and, uh, I've come up with another number.

Are you serious? This number is even higher than the first one.

Kareem, you're going to laugh.

But I didn't know if the first number was too high or too low.

No. I would never let this sort of thing

- put a strain on our friendship. - Well, I agree.

But this is putting a strain on our friendship.

Sarah and I will come up with a number that is more reasonable.

Good. Does it look like I'm made of money?

No.

By the way, where do you rent a Rolls?

Yasir, you can't rent a Rolls. I had it flown in.

With the driver?

No, no. He's a rental.

Rayyan, wait, we need to talk.

If you're having second thoughts about J.J., you gotta deal with that now!

Who said I was having second thoughts about J.J.?

Second thoughts about J.J.?

Oh, no.

Because if you are, I want in on this conversation.

It's the kind of thing that could affect me adversely.

No, J.J., relax.

I was just talking about my friend, Norma... Carmichael.

That's like the fakest name I've ever heard.

- I know, right? - Is there something you're not telling me?

I was asking Amaar something about divorce, and that's all I can say.

Okay, if I was talking to my imam about divorce,

and then I told you that I couldn't tell you why,

how would you react?

Your parents are getting divorced.

What're you talking about? They're so happy, that's crazy.

Well, sometimes couples aren't as happy as they seem.

Oh, my God, I got to go talk to them.

Wait. J.J., I promised your mother I wouldn't tell you.

Wow. You really let that one out of the bag.

This is getting ridiculous. We shouldn't have to make another offer.

Yeah, it's only money.

I'm not talking about the money.

I'm talking about you and your fear of disappointing the mighty Kareem.

I do have a great deal of respect for him.

Please. You have a man crush on him.

- Darling? - You follow him around like a puppy.

Well, that's simply not true.

Kareem and I are friends, and equals,

- engaged in a level-headed negotiation. - Oh.

Now, help me with a number that won't make him mad at me.

After all, we wouldn't want to upset the mighty Kareem.

- Precisely. - And maintaining your friendship with him

is way more important than your dignity or self-respect.

Ah... yes.

You guys have a thing going. He says, "jump" and you say, "how high?"

Well, I suppose sometimes jumping might be required.

Amaar, wonderful news!

The horrid mice have been vanquished.

- That is good news. - It wasn't pretty.

But then it never is.

All right, well, thanks for your help.

Not so fast, cowboy.

Poison needs a few days to dissipate.

Well, we're holding a wedding here tomorrow.

Unless you know a bridal store that sells gas masks,

I wouldn't recommend it.

Baber, what were you thinking?

It was the only way to get rid of all the mice.

Yeah, about that?

You know when they say if there's one, there's a thousand.

I heard you say that, yes.

Well, this time there is just the one.

- You didn't kill him. - Not this one.

It's a maverick, a wild card. Not unlike myself.

Yes, yes, that's very nice. You have your check, bye.

Perhaps this bridal mask idea has merit, huh?

Perhaps not.

Fifty cents off Rice-A-Roni?

No, the other side.

What? But this was the first amount you asked for, and it's still too high.

Come back and try again.

- No. - Excuse me?

Kareem, listen, I have something to say, and I need you to listen.

- Yasir, sit. - Okay.

No, wait. This is...

It's not about money...

It's about how you make me jump through hoops

and spin my wheels and how I let you.

No, wait. So now you are spinning wheels or jumping hoops?

It doesn't matter. What matters is it's over.

This is my offer. I'm done playing games with you.

I knew this moment would come.

A man can take only so much bravado, and after 30 years...

You're fed up with me.

No, Kareem.

Look, Yasir, I...

I know I can be bold and swaggering sometimes.

I try too hard to impress you,

but it's only because...

Because I look up to you so much.

- You look up to me? - Of course.

Look at you, a perfect life in a perfect town.

Wonderful partnership with your wife.

You have a wonderful partnership with Noora.

And that quick wit that everyone loves.

Yasir, Yasir, I know we are about to become brothers,

but please tell me we are still friends.

We always will be.

I will give you the amount you ask for.

- Do you have it on you? - Well, no, of course not.

I have to call the office to tell them to raid the petty cash.

Cheeseburgers for everyone!

Hmm.

You're lucky. It's the 3:00 p.m. lull.

- Then I have the townhouse in Manhattan. - I don't think so.

You guys are getting a divorce?

- You told J.J.? - You told Rayyan?

I thought we had an understanding.

I thought we had an understanding when we got married!

Thank you for taking over both sides of the conversation.

Now I can just sit back and enjoy the ride.

- Why didn't you just tell me? - We didn't want to ruin your wedding.

- That's not the point, Dad. - Why did you tell him?

- Mom, don't yell at Rayyan. - What's going on?

You should know, it's your fault.

You found out already.

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know the mosque was gonna be fumigated.

We'll find another place for the wedding, don't worry.

What?

Halfway around the world for no mosque?

Don't worry about the mosque. I would appreciate...

Hey!

So, who's ready for a wedding?

It's not the way I want to find out. Mom, why are you yelling at her...