Original subtitles

Oh, is this toast?

No, it is a car.

Is it real toast?

It is the toast I feed you every day.

I don't want any that vitamin toast.

You know, the toast with vitamins in every slice.

- That would be a nightmare. - Yeah, exactly.

It's freaky, the number of things that are hidden inside other things.

- Like? - Well, I think they hide

- calcium in orange juice. - Oh, the horror.

Yeah, they hide fiber in granola bars and bacteria in yogurt.

It's like some kind of weird plot.

You're on to us.

I didn't say it's a Muslim plot. I...

Are you telling me that Muslims are behind all this stuff?

Maybe we are. Maybe we aren't.

I will never tell.

So eat your toast.

You got any bagels?

You know that we're supposed to meet my mom for lunch, right?

Oh, we can meet your mom for lunch any day. This is a new adventure.

Go into the post office.

That's a pretty loose definition of adventure you got there.

Come on, it'll be fun. My parents are always sending me care packages.

What's in them?

- Figs. - Figs.

I haven't got it yet.

But historically speaking, in these situations,

there's a high probability of figs.

Why figs?

My parents think you can't get good figs in Canada,

and they think figs keep when you send them internationally,

and they think that I like figs,

so they're operating under a few misconceptions there.

Mmm-hmm. So, we're going to the post office

to pick up figs you don't need

that are probably gone bad anyway,

which you didn't want in the first place.

And you wanted to have lunch.

And, here we are.

Thank you very much. Oh, this isn't figs.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

What is it?

It's not even from my parents. It's for my cousin Sajjid.

- I guess it must be a wedding present. - Oh!

I wonder what it is. This is fun after all.

This sucks. I can't believe my parents don't ever send figs anymore.

Ooh, it rattles.

- I don't understand any of this stuff. - What is it?

It's my monthly financial statement for my mutual funds.

Sounds riveting.

"Fund permits derivatives transaction provided cash cover

"is held in fixed ratio to liquid death."

I mean, who talks like that?

- Hello, everyone. - Baber, you like gobbledygook.

It's my monthly financial statement,

- it makes no sense. - It makes perfect sense.

It makes sense to you because you talk economics all the time.

Don't you get tired of it?

Of bestowing my wisdom to the less educated? Never.

Well, good mix of asset classes.

Healthy risk on return ratio.

- All in all, a well-balanced portfolio... - Mmm-hmm.

- ...That violates the rules of Islam. - Huh?

You hold investments that earn interest, that is forbidden.

Oh, you own shares in a distillery.

- That's bad? - Yes.

No alcohol, no pork, nothing that is not halal.

But it is doing quite well, mind you.

But still it is not allowed.

I've held these for so long.

I guess when I converted to Islam, I forgot to convert my investments.

Don't you read?

Yes, but I'm not fluent in gobbledygook.

I'll help you.

Hey-ho. You still cleaning up?

Why do I even print fliers?

It's like more flyers get left on the ground than I actually hand out.

It's a miracle.

I mean, how will they know which upcoming events are eventful?

You mean you haven't learned the first rule of flyers?

What's that? Don't use too many fonts?

No. Hand them to the people on the way out, not on the way in.

That way, they might actually take 'em home.

Or throw them out in the car.

Hand them on the way out!

Now, why couldn't I think of that?

Well, it takes years to learn the tricks of the trade.

Yeah, but it's been over two years.

What'd I do without you?

Oh. I'm sure you'd be fine.

Though I would lay off the fonts... dingbats?

- They add pep. - Your call.

I'm going for coffee. You coming?

Sure. But just after I clean up.

All right. I'll keep a seat warm for you.

You might want to check under the prayer rugs.

Never know.

Ugh!

You're right.

He's always right.

Oh, it's so beautifully wrapped.

I wonder what's inside.

- Only one way to find out. - What are you doing?

- I'm opening it. That's the one way... - J.J., it's a wedding present!

It's too early to open it.

But it came early, so if you think about it,

- we'd be opening it right on time. - Nice try.

We have to wait. That's the fun.

No, that's what comes before the fun.

The fun is what's inside.

J.J., I'm as eager as you are.

But we have to wait until after the wedding, it's tradition.

But why wait? We're going to do it anyway. Why deny ourselves?

No! We have to wait until it's official, and then we'll do it.

At my house, in front of my parents.

You are talking about this present, right?

- Yes. - Oh. Thank goodness.

Fatima agrees.

Yes, of course I know the principles of Islamic investing.

I was just busy when Sarah and I married.

I was building a business, there was the wedding.

Besides, they were actually doing quite well.

I really appreciate your help, Baber. Can you show us how to do this?

Very well. I do know some Islamically permissible funds

- that offered a very good rate of return. - Oh!

But first, a discourse on the fundamentals of Muslim finance.

I don't really need to know how this works.

I'm going to do my yoga tape.

- Well, let's start with profit sharing. - Yes.

Now, according to the traditional thought...

I'm glad that you have a handle on it.

Darling, do not salute that sun without me.

- But you hate yoga. - Yoga?

Don't you mean togas?

I can't abide them.

Well, I'll just get to it.

What do you think of a thermometer?

A what?

A mosque is always trying to raise funds,

- I'm not sure it would. - No, I don't think you get it.

It's not a real thermometer, it's made out of cardboard.

Yeah, I get that part.

But trust me. A fundraiser's thermometer is a double-edged sword.

People see how much more money they still have to donate,

they get dispirited.

- Really? - Yeah.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you get a local business to throw in some money

so you're not starting from zero.

Then, put up your thermometer.

Thanks, Duncan.

You really know all the tricks, don't you?

That's why I get the big bucks.

Thanks, Duncan, again.

What would you do without Magee?

I'd be fine. Don't you think I'd be fine?

Sure.

But he does help you out quite a bit.

True.

Wait, you think I rely on him too much?

That he stifles my growth as a man of the cloth

because he's always there for me to lean on.

- I did not say that. - No, no, no, you're right.

You can't learn how to walk before you learn how to crawl.

Not true. Jamal never crawled, he went straight to walking.

We used to call him Walker, Texas Ranger.

What? It was a very popular show at the time.

Okay, but the principle is true.

I need to be more independent.

You could start by paying for your own lunch.

It was Magee's turn.

J.J.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

Sorry. Do you recycle? I found these flyers by the shoe cubbies.

Thanks.

I didn't know you did flyers.

- I pass them out every week. - Never registered.

Yeah. Someone left me a present.

- Oh, that is... - That is so nice.

You know, I've been feeling a little off my game lately,

but I can't tell you what it means that someone thought enough to give me this.

- About that... - I wonder what it is.

Yeah, so do I.

Should I open it?

Well, it is a present, and it is on your desk.

Sounds good to me.

- Whoa. - Yeah, totally.

Whoa!

So, you can earn superior Shariah compliant returns

through financial leases

held with a diversified capital assets portfolio.

Oh, it was so good to explain this.

Whatever. I sit through this, you buy me a cheeseburger, right?

Yeah. Let's look at this from the point of view about the principles of Islam.

Hey, I thought you knew what you were talking about.

- I don't know what you're talking about. - This.

I went online and those investments you bought me are already down.

It's only been one day.

Exactly, and already it's down.

This is no cause for alarm.

One day it'll be up, one day it'll be down.

Well, what the heck kind of plan is that?

I want the kinda plan where one day I'm up

and the next day I'm up even more.

- Who taught you this stuff? - It will correct. You see...

Long term gains are virtually assured as the economy expands,

negating any short term losses caused by shifting liquidity.

Man pays me a cheeseburger to listen, I listen.

Oh, great. I get crappy investment advice and he gets a cheeseburger?

What a world!

Uh-oh.

As-Salaam-Alaikum.

J.J., what are you doing?

You opened it?

I didn't. He did.

He said it was for me.

J.J.

I didn't exactly say that, exactly.

So, it's not for me?

No, it's for our wedding.

I wanted to tell you, but it happened so fast.

This guy is a dynamite unwrapper.

Well, I wouldn't say dynamite, above average... That's not the point.

Amaar, I'm sorry. I don't know what J.J. was thinking.

I'm sorry, man, I was blinded by wrapping.

It's okay. It's not for me. I, uh, I didn't want it anyway.

Oh, no, it's yours. J.J. gave it to you. You keep it.

What? Wait a minute, it's ours.

I think you gave up ownership when you left it on his desk.

But I want it.

Yeah, well, so do I. Now.

- Oh, come on! - What?

No, she's right.

You did imply it was for me.

You misunderstood me.

I meant to imply that it was from you.

That doesn't make any sense.

Boys, don't argue.

What is this thing anyway?

- Well, that's the thing. - We don't know.

Whoa.

Maybe we should keep it.

- That's what I'm saying. - Tsk. Ugh.

So, we all want it.

- Yes. - Absolutely.

But none of us knows what it is.

Well, it's, uh... Obviously, it's a...

I, uh... I don't know.

Maybe it's upside down.

That's not helping.

Is there a manual or a brand?

No, it looks like they put it in a different box to ship it.

Oh. Figs. Is this some kind of sick joke?

So, what do we do?

I got it. Whoever can figure out what it is gets to keep it.

Ah. Battle of wits.

- That's silly. - It's a competition.

I'm in.

Sorry, Amaar, but you don't stand a chance. I'm an engineer.

I'm an imam and a lawyer and I can...

Well, none of those apply in this situation,

but I'm good at figuring things out.

And me, I just like to win.

Oh, it is on.

You brought me something?

I brought you something. Open it.

- Wow. Figs. - They're very hard to get, you know.

I had them send all the way from Abu Dhabi.

- Baber... - Oh, please, don't be angry with me.

Your investments will go back up. You have to believe me.

- I do. - You do?

- They did. - They did?

- Yeah. - Give me back my figs.

Oh.

That is good, but don't get too excited.

The only way to determine true long-term growth...

Yeah, very interesting. Now do me.

- I'm sorry? - My investments.

Do what you did with Sarah's, please.

But I don't understand. Surely they're Islamically sound?

Yes, but I want them to make money.

Go, proceed.

But I don't know if I have the time, Yasir...

Time surely isn't it a factor with your financial, um...

Acumen.

Good word, honey. We'll be in the other room.

So bored.

Hey.

Up for a game of chess?

Hey, I'd love to, but I can't.

I'm currently researching kitchen appliances of the Dutch.

Oh, sure, you want some help?

You know, they invented the Flugel fryer.

Really? They did?

I did not know that.

- Wait. - What? What's wrong?

Duncan, um...

I appreciate all the help you've given me through the years,

but I've been leaning on you too much.

Sometimes I need to do things on my own.

Like research housewares?

Hey, it's a start.

Okay, sure. Sorry.

No. No need to apologize.

Let's just take it easy for a while.

Are you breaking up with me?

Don't be silly.

I'm not breaking up with you.

I just need a little space.

Okay.

Sure. Fine.

But don't expect me to wait forever.

You never know when another Muslim cleric is going to come along looking for advice.

I guess you can take your time.

So this is the "what's-it."

Well, don't call it a what's-it. It's a doohickey.

I say it's more of a thingamajig.

Well, relax. There isn't a kitchen gadget alive

that I haven't been able to master.

You don't even know how to work the toaster oven, Mom.

Well, it's very confusing.

Is it a toaster or is it an oven? Make up your mind.

- Okay, we're on to this now. - A-ha!

- Is it upside down? - No, we thought of that.

You know, if you squint, it sort of looks like a waffle iron.

So, it's a waffle iron for shortsighted people?

Well, it's a working hypothesis.

- Oh. - What was...

You look tired.

I'm exhausted. I spent hours crunching numbers.

Yasir made me redo his finances.

Oh. That reminds me, redo my finances.

Oh, not you, too.

But I hear you are a wizard.

I always knew you were a crazy man with a beard.

But a wizard?

I have been trying to explain this for two days.

If people would just let me speak, I could explain a few simple principles

- that would let them do this on their own. - All right. What are these principles?

Well, basically, the...

The first thing is...

- Oh. That's a new feeling. - What?

I'm sick of hearing myself speak.

I'll get a pencil.

So, you surrender.

After spending long hours

slaving over a hot, whatever it is, we drew a blank.

Good luck.

You don't need luck when you have a plan.

It's nice to see you again, Amaar. How can I help you today?

Well, I understand that the co-operators can insure practically anything, right?

Absolutely.

As you know, we have a range of home, auto, life insurance products.

What did you want to insure?

This.

Yes, of course.

Certainly is a nice one.

- Is it? - Indeed.

But you know, we don't have to insure just the one thing,

we could make it part of your overall content insurance.

No, no, that's okay. I'd like to ensure just the one thing...

I want to know all about this.

Of course. Just a few questions to help us get started.

You'll be using this in your home?

Yes.

And do you have a security system?

- Yes. - Great.

Oh. And, uh, here's one.

What the heck is it?

You don't know what it is either, huh?

- Oh. Hey, Duncan. - Hey, Amaar, how are you?

Oh. Wait, don't give me any details.

I don't want to inadvertently help you out.

- Listen, I should apologize. - No, no, no.

No, no. Let's not talk too much.

Something about your posture or your voice might inform me

as to what your problem is.

I might try to help you out. You can't have that.

I just need to be a little more independent.

I'm not trying to offend.

Who's offended?

I was just trying to help you out.

If it turns out that my helping you out is actually hindering you,

then I'll back off.

Unless you want me to hinder you,

because by hindering you, I might actually be helping you out

by your crazy logic.

As long as there's no offense.

Thank you, Baber. My money is through the roof.

Oh, congratulations. So happy.

Baber, are you doing Fatima's money, too? That's so nice.

Above and beyond, my friend.

He is a genius.

My oil stocks are already up on supply concerns.

Please, I don't want to talk about it.

I'm just sick to death, of talking about finance.

Sick of talking about finance? That's not the Baber we know.

No, in fact, Baber's redone all of our finances.

- He is a genius! - Hmm.

Well, I don't have much money, but maybe you should...

Oh, look, there's a pussycat.

- What? - You looked too quickly.

I was going to scoot away while your back was turned.

- Do you want me to look again? - I'll just go.

- We still have no idea what it is. - No.

- But we all still want it. - Oh, yeah.

- Even more so. - I know, it's crazy.

Hey, maybe you could call your cousin and ask her what it is.

- I can't do that. - Why not?

I'd have to admit to her that we opened the present early.

Tell her our imam opened it. Say it's a Canadian tradition.

That's lying.

- A very new Canadian tradition? - But it's rude.

Do you really want to go to your grave not knowing what this thing is?

- I'll get her number. - Yeah.

Nice.

But, you know, I feel bad about Baber.

- We should make it up to him. - Mmm-hmm.

- I could make him a special dinner. - Oh. Hmm, another special dinner.

What do you mean, "another"?

- Well... - Um...

Honey...

It's just that anytime anything goes wrong,

you throw a special dinner.

It's nice, but not the solution to everything.

It's not the solution.

Too bad. I was going to make my butter chicken.

Baber loves my butter chicken.

Oh, the butter chicken.

Meat so tender, it melts in your mouth like liquid

- gold. - Yes.

Hmm.

So, what else should we do?

A special dinner would be nice.

It's the solution to everything.

Amaar.

I'm sorry about earlier. I overreacted.

No, I could have handled that better.

How are you? You look tense.

It's Miss Stone, our choir director.

She's mad because we ran out of time last Sunday, had to cut the last hymn.

You bumped her?

It's not like I bumped her from The Tonight Show.

Well, now she wants to leave.

Whoa. You can't have a choir without a director.

People go off musically in every direction.

And that could lead to... jazz.

There's a thought.

You know, when that situation comes up for us,

Fatima usually throws that person a special dinner.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, it makes them feel appreciated.

Besides, Fatima's a really good cook.

That's not a bad idea. We should do something like that.

Here to help.

Wait a minute. I just gave you advice.

Yeah, I guess you did.

No. Instead of me leaning on you, you leaned on me.

I gave you a tip.

Amaar, I always lean on you.

I may have been in the game a little longer than you,

but we all lean on our friends. I didn't mean that to come off as advice.

I don't want to break the "no advice rule."

No. From now on, there's no "no advice rule."

So, no advice.

No. Advice.

Okay, I won't give you any.

No, forget the rule. I welcome your advice.

Good to know.

So, if you do take her to Fatima's,

you should really go for the butter chicken.

It's amazing.

She's more of a seafood gal.

I've never been.

Oh, you should go.

Good advice.

- Coffee? - Yeah.

Well?

So, did you ask your cousin about the gift?

Yeah, and, uh, well, it was embarrassing.

Well, we deserve to be embarrassed.

She gave us that for our wedding gift.

No, embarrassing for her.

They don't know what that is either.

- They got it for their wedding. - So, it was a regift?

So, what? We just trade it back and forth, till we figure it out?

Or until we die.

Or...

Here you go.

- Thank you so much. - Oh, you're welcome. Enjoy.

He seems much happier.

This is delicious!

I mean, I'm glad he feels appreciated, yeah.

So nice of you to give him a present.

- He didn't even do your money. - Oh, it's nothing.

It was generous.

No, really, it's nothing.

- I love it! - Hey!

Thank you so much.

- You're welcome. - This is much better than the one I have.

Wait, wait. You already have one?

Yes, but it's wearing out. This one is much more modern.

- So, you know what it is then? - Oh.

It even has a gauge.

That will make things so much easier.

Make what things easier?

You spoil me.

Let's eat!