Original subtitles

Something wrong, Amaar? You look sad.

I would have said more reflective.

How do you get reflective from that?

Well, pensive, then, but definitely not sad.

- No, I'm reading sad. - Well, you're reading him wrong.

- No. She's right. I'm sad. - Ha!

I mean, that's terrible. What's wrong?

You know these questionnaires I handed out to the congregation,

- asking what the mosque meant to them. - Yeah.

You know what nearly everyone said? Praying.

- Well, it is kind of our thing. - Yeah.

No. The mosque should mean more than that.

It should be integral to people's lives.

We need more activities, more fun.

- You mean like an arts and crafts day? - He said fun.

- You don't think that's a fun idea? - You didn't let me finish.

All right, you did.

Yasir, it's easy being cynical. You know what's harder?

- Going to an arts and crafts day? - That's exactly what I'm talking about.

- Sometimes you... - Whoa, guys...

- I'm so glad you're arguing. - Gee, thanks.

No, you've given me a great idea to reach out to the community.

Marriage workshop.

I think we should reconsider Sarah's very fun arts and crafts idea.

Huh?

Are you okay?

I have just received a very disturbing letter from back home.

Oh, bad news?

My childhood friend Hamida

has just been appointed United Nations Emergency Relief Coordinator.

- Isn't that a good thing? - For her.

What about me?

What do I have? A new deep fryer.

Oh, hey, speaking of which, can I get some fries with my order?

Serving Fred Tupper. Such an honor.

How could I ever have been depressed.

Yeah, she snapped out of that pretty quick, huh?

Darling, you cannot be serious about going to this marriage workshop.

Rayyan and J.J. are going to come.

Rayyan and J.J. don't know anything.

They just got engaged.

Our marriage is rock solid.

Team Hamoudi, up top.

Yasir, sometimes we argue.

All good teams argue. The locker room of the Harlem Globetrotters,

the tension, you could cut it with a knife.

Hey, Duncan, can I talk to you for a second?

- Ah, Team Hamoudi. - You see?

If you had a wife who wanted to take you to Amaar's marriage workshop,

would you do it?

Absolutely. I'm a great believer in workshops.

I would love to go to this workshop.

But I have renos to do this weekend.

- If you need a sub, I'm game. - Really? Would that work?

You can take all the stuff you learn, bring it back home. Practice with Yasir.

I love it. The first half I love, where I don't have to go to the workshop.

Duncan, let's do it.

- Up here. - Yeah.

Fatima, look what I got. An issue of bon appetit magazine.

Just what I need to compare my tuna melt

to those of five star restaurants.

Five star tuna melt...

Can you even imagine?

I was just trying to cheer you up.

When I want to cheer up, I clean out the grease trap.

Excuse me.

We need to do something for Fatima, Mr. Tupper.

I'm trying to eat lunch here.

Hey, look, you can submit your recipes at bonappetit.com.

Hmm. Sounds like a hoot.

- We should submit her Lamb Fatima. - No way.

They turn her down, we never eat here again.

We'll do it secretly, so she won't know until they say "yes."

Your funeral.

Actually, I need your help to steal the recipe from under the counter.

- Why can't you do it? - Because I'm... I'm Muslim.

You people. You'll eat the omelet, but you won't break the eggs.

All right.

Huh. You know she makes her pop-tarts from scratch?

How many times have I told you, Fred, my cafe is not self-serve.

I... I was just getting a napkin, toots.

I just had to clean up a little spill.

- What spill? - That one.

Oh, Fred. So clumsy.

Enjoy your omelet, kid.

So cold. Cold.

So, I thought we'd start the workshop

with a few games which might seem silly,

but, uh, they're actually windows or portholes, if you will,

into how you and your spouse communicate.

Are they windows or portholes?

I don't know. Um...

Windows, if you're on land, and portholes, if you're on a boat.

Why would you fight on a boat?

That sounds like a nice time.

Um, well, why don't we get started by going around the circle?

J.J., Rayyan, why are you here?

Uh... we're getting married in a month.

- Yeah. - Yes.

And you said marriage is built on good communication, so...

They are just engaged. They know nothing.

Um... Sarah, why are you here?

Oh, well, Yasir and I... Oh, I mean, obviously, this isn't Yasir...

Where is your husband?

He's doing a reno job, so I brought Duncan as a stand-in.

Hello, hi.

You are at a marriage workshop with another man?

A non-Muslim man, while your husband is elsewhere?

- Exactly. - At least Mufeeda and I

keep up appearances, and we fight all the time, cats and dogs.

- Faisal! - You see?

Yes. Well, this is going to be a fun workshop.

Let's get started.

Satellite is all hooked up.

No visible cords.

And no visible picture.

Uh, allow me.

Okay. We've got your VCR, your DVD,

uh, haven't a clue. This is your phone.

Subhan-Allah, I have satellite.

You are very good at this reno work.

It's all in the timing.

And the soccer game is just about to start.

And Sarah's not due home from the marriage workshop till dinner.

Magnificent!

On side. Oh, oh, nice move.

- Would you like to... - Chelsea versus Arsenal!

...Stay?

Doesn't stand a chance. Amazing cross.

Let me get this straight.

- Sarah is at a marriage workshop? - Yes.

- With another man. - Exactly.

And you are here watching the game with me.

Perfect, isn't it?

No. Even I understand that's a problem. And I've been divorced.

It went very badly, you know.

Popcorn?

- Goal! - Chelsea!

Yes, that's the mirror game exactly.

Great. You guys are really in sync.

Communicating, all without words.

Duncan, you are such an open book.

I once studied with a yogi, whose mantra was,

"You can't read a closed book."

Or something. He didn't speak English.

And how's it going here?

It's just a... Yeah, that's... It's a bit fast.

Okay, Rayyan, can you try to communicate with your partner?

I am communicating. He is not listening.

But I am. I really am. It's...

I haven't blinked in half an hour.

- Doesn't that hurt your eyes? - It's excruciating.

Okay, Rayyan, just really try to be in sync. It's not a competition.

Everything's a competition.

Betty Crocker, a little service here?

I am ladling.

Well, you sound happy. What's wrong?

I have decided to be happy for my friend Hamida's success.

I have something no one can take away from me.

My Lamb Fatima.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum, Fatima. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

- Open sesame. - Some Lamb Fatima?

You're in a good mood. Did Fred tell you?

Tell me what?

We submitted Lamb Fatima to that magazine, and they published it on their website.

Now everyone knows you're great.

- Huh? - What?

Fred stole it.

What? Ow! No. She made me.

Layla would never steal. She is Muslim.

- See? - You people.

Look, we were just trying to make you happy.

But I am happy.

My childhood friend is saving the world.

And I have my signature recipe.

- No, wait. Sorry, I don't! - Ooh!

Oh, how was your workshop?

- Awful? - Uh, not exactly awful.

No, more like challenging. Do you have any eyedrops?

I thought it was a blast.

- A blast? - Reverend Magee and Sarah were on fire.

They tripled our score.

We were on a roll, weren't we?

- Well, I had some fun, too. - Yeah, how did it go?

Chelsea won, two-nil.

Oh, I missed the game?

Good. 'Cause I did not want to see it at all.

- I thought you were renovating. - I was.

I had to run the wires...

From Baber's satellite to his TV.

- Uh-huh. - Then Chelsea had to face Arsenal.

While I was at a marriage workshop.

- You wanted to go. - You were watching TV?

- I was busy. - You lied to me.

- I was working. - You lied.

- I didn't lie. - J.J.

- Dinner at Fatima's? - Nice read there.

Try and do that at the workshop.

- Darling, I can explain. - Of course you can. You always can.

- I just... - Don't "I just" me.

You see, this is why I had such a good time today with Duncan.

He has no ulterior motive.

- He's an open book. - I'm an open book.

A mystery, perhaps, but... tsk, mysteries can be good, too.

You know, I would rather have a romance.

Well, it's not my fault I'm the... Wrong genre.

- Hello, Yasir. - Hello, darling.

Don't even try your makeup breakfast on me.

Not even kippers?

Kippers.

No, not even... kippers.

Darling, look, I want to come to the workshop.

- You do? - Of course. We're Team Hamoudi.

I'll just tell Baber he can watch Manchester United and Liverpool alone.

You mean you planned a whole weekend of soccer?

He has other renos that needed tending to.

The universal remote, the surround sound, his VCR flashes 12, 12, 12.

He has a VCR, why don't you record the game?

- Why don't you record the workshop? - That doesn't make any sense.

- You're not making any sense. - Huh?

I'm sorry. That doesn't make any sense.

You see, this is why I wanted us to learn how to communicate.

But I guess it just doesn't matter to you.

Team Hamoudi?

Fatima, you're making too big a deal out of this.

The Internet is a big place, and this is a small town.

What are the chances that someone you know will even see that recipe?

Oh, Fatima, I just saw your recipe on bonappetit.com.

- You were saying? - That's just one person.

Then I posted it on Facebook, Myspace,

and then I made a videotape of it, and put it up on YouTube.

Down the wing. No, no. Cross, cross.

You know he can't hear you, right, Baber?

Oh, that is a flagrant foul. Yellow card, yellow card.

That's your tenth yellow. There is a limit.

I'll give you a yellow card.

Maybe I deserve one.

What is wrong with you lately?

It's Sarah. She completely misunderstood me.

No. She knew exactly what you were up to. If anything, she understood you.

Perhaps I should go. But I don't have a partner.

Yes, you do. She's already there with another man, doesn't that worry you?

No, I'm not jealous of Magee. I just want to be Team Hamoudi again.

Isn't that the point of Amaar's whole mumbo jumbo workshop?

You're right. Sarah wants me to be an open book.

I'm going to be more open than a phone book.

- Do people even use phone books anymore? - In a telephone booth.

Do people even use telephone booths anymore?

Don't sass me. You got a VCR in there, 12, 12... 12.

Okay, the goal is to communicate without words.

Really get inside your partner's head, okay?

And, go.

- Okay. - Okay.

A boat? A fish, a beluga? Walrus? A manatee?

- No. Get off the sea mammals. - Okay, guys,

silent communication with an emphasis on "silent."

- Okay. - A cloud, a tumbleweed?

- You're supposed to get in my head. - Okay.

Imagine...

- Yeah, yeah? - The Indy 500?

- No! - Okay.

Let's put the pen down. Let's discuss what happened.

- What was it, anyway? - I'm not even telling you.

- It's obviously a mango. - Thank you.

Yasir?

Well, Yasir, thanks for choosing me over soccer.

Oh, that's quite all right. The match was a blowout anyway.

- What? - Uh...

We were just in the middle of a communication game.

- Ooh. - Maybe you two would like a turn?

- Yes. - No, no.

I'll dance with the man who brought me, thank you.

Ooh, finally, something interesting at this workshop.

And, go.

- Polyester pants. - Go, Team Magee.

Yes.

Team Magee?

It's closed?

It's never closed.

There's no one inside.

- It's never closed. - You said that already.

Yeah, I know. It's just, it's never closed.

Why are the chairs on the tables?

It's like she's not coming back.

Not coming back.

I feel hot. Is it hot?

Fred, it's okay. She's probably just had an appointment.

Yeah, with destiny.

She's gone to the United Nations to save the planet. Always thinking of herself.

Don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of this.

Yeah. We'll be like Starsky & Hutch.

- Who's that? - The Hardcastle and McCormick.

- McMillan & Wife. - Oh, I love that show.

Yeah, they're great.

Wait...

So, now that we've discussed

some conflict resolution techniques,

I think it's time to put them to the test with our problem dice. J.J.?

Uh, no, thanks. We got enough problems.

But we've lost our turn and we'll never catch up now.

Sarah, why don't you give it a try?

Four.

- You want to do some spring cleaning... - Uh-huh.

...But your partner, Yasir...

Duncan.

- Oh. - Duncan wants to play softball.

Uh, you two have to work this out.

- Uh, Sarah... - Uh-huh.

Uh, I know that this spring cleaning thing is very important to you.

Acknowledgment, good.

And it... it must be so frustrating to see a winter's worth of dust

on the chandelier and you can't reach it.

Empathy. Great.

But who told him about the chandelier? Did you tell him?

Shh!

Why don't I just skip the softball and we'll get out the ladder

and take care of this dust right now?

Drops his agenda and over-delivers. Home run!

Yeah.

I can do that. I can do that.

Six.

- You want to go shopping for a drill. - Mmm-hmm.

Your wife wants to shop for shoes.

You only have time for one. Which do you choose?

- What kind of drill is it? - Oh, it doesn't matter.

- Of course it does. - Okay. Best drill ever.

- Is it on sale? - Sure.

The shoes are on sale, too.

Got it. You get the shoes, I get the 20-Volt Cordless Impact Driver.

- It's a win-win. We split up. - Split up?

- Yeah. - No, Yasir, It's a lose-lose.

We don't spend time together, which was the whole point.

Darling, we are in the same mall.

- Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not. You're with the shoes.

- I'm with the impact driver. - That's a great marriage.

Hey, Sarah, how are you?

Hello. Hello, everyone. Let's take five.

Okay? Duncan, do you have a moment?

- Oh, yeah, sure. - Thanks.

You know what? I'm gonna roll again.

- No. Come and sit down. - I'm rolling.

Hey, Fatima, what are you doing?

No, Joe.

"No" what?

No, I am not talking about what I am doing.

So, what are you not doing?

Rethinking my future.

Yeah, I'm not doing that either.

- It's going great. - Are you kidding?

It's like the Harlem Globetrotters' locker room in there.

Tension is good. You're right where you want to be.

Now you have something to solve with the new skills you've been teaching.

Really? Because I feel like I'm flying a 747 without a manual.

Nah. You're a better pilot than you think.

It's always the last thing they hear on the black box.

Throttle up, Captain.

Mayday! Mayday!

Uh, Fatima, I wanted a grilled cheese after Man U's victory,

but the cafe was closed.

I wanted some time alone.

Uh, dibs on the word "jumble."

Shoo, shoo, shoo.

You're flying solo on this one, buddy.

Okay, people, what happened in here? Rayyan?

J.J. is obviously not trying. I don't know if this is important to him.

- "Trying." That's all I've been doing. - But not the right way.

There is no right way.

But the exercises, the games...

Real communication is awkward, messy.

The important thing is that J.J. Was in there like a dirty... shirt.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

And you two.

You are the most happily married couple I've ever met.

No offense, Faisal.

You are only speaking the truth.

Sarah, Yasir made it clear he did not want to be at this seminar this weekend.

He's right.

He wanted a well-deserved downtime.

Ah! It's like he's reading my mind.

You're right. He tried to tell me.

I did. I really did. But don't be too hard on yourself.

- And you, Yasir. - Oh, there's more?

You lied. You deceived.

And whether you meant to or not,

you hurt Sarah's feelings.

That's it. You did what he said.

I should have been more honest.

I should have listened.

I should have eaten before I came. How much longer are we going to be?

- What is this, a convention? - I do not know.

I am not offering food. And yet the people keep coming.

- Siddiqui, what are you doing? - I'm just hanging.

- Joe? - Same.

Fatima, please, sweetheart, I'm a desperate man.

- I'm not above bribery. - I am.

- I'll pay you double. - I triple it.

Not really, but still, I need a grilled cheese.

Is that the only way to get you people off my back?

- Yeah. - Fine.

I will reopen the cafe for today only.

- Happy? - Yeah.

Who ordered the curry?

Why did I not stay in the park?

Oh, Fatima, I just wanted to say thank you.

- For? - I made Lamb Fatima for my family.

And they loved it.

You made my food at home, but still you come here?

We come here for Fatima. Not just the food.

Exactly.

Besides, making Lamb Fatima is a huge pain.

I ask you, who has a lamb spit?

I got one at home.

Well, we come for the food, too. But mostly, we come for you.

Well, Hamida may have the United Nations,

but I have all of Mercy.

Who needs the United Nations, huh? Just a bunch...

We do not need to hear your blowhard views on the UN, Fred.

The only way to shut me up is to feed me.

Layla, turn the sign.

Told you it would work out, kiddo.

Amaar, thank you for the amazing marriage workshop.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Well, thank you, guys, for coming to support our arts and crafts fair.

Fantastic. Look at this.

There's arts here, there's crafts there. Here's some more arts.

- There's some more... - Now, pass me the minaret.

Here you go.

- Wow, it's a little mosque. - Do you like the dome?

I took a Styrofoam ball and I painted it gold.

And look, I have little mosque-goers inside.

Astaghfirullah! Representational art!

They could be mistaken for real people.

Come on, Dad. They are sour-tots.

Oh, it is a slippery slope to idol worship. Hmm.

I will help.

Mmm.

- Baber! - What?

You've had your arts and crafts day, and I've had a little treat.

Maybe I can have a couple, too.

What do these prayer mats taste like?