Original subtitles

Open your mouth and say "Ah."

Ah!

Rayyan, I need to see you.

J.J., you can't just barge in here like this. I'm with a patient.

- Ah! - I know, but...

Doctors really do that, huh? Get people to say "Ah".

Sometimes I even give him two aspirins. Tell him to call me in the morning.

Can I close my mouth now?

Sorry.

- This better be good. - It's a gift from my parents.

- Not good enough. - It's for our wedding.

- Still not good enough. - It's an island.

- What? - My parents bought us an island.

Ah...

Hey, now we can check her tonsils.

- Guess what? - You learned how to splice genes

- to create a new breed of super crop. - No. Why would you go there?

People say "guess what," I like to take a risk.

Well, it's better than that. Not better, but it's really, really good.

I've finished finally renovating Rayyan's house.

- Yasir, that's wonderful! - Levelled the flooring.

I've updated the plumbing and I brought the wiring up to code, better than code.

When they rewrite the code on wiring,

this code will be the standard for that code.

Oh.

I can't wait to see Rayyan and J.J. In their new home.

Of course, I'll be sad to see her leave here,

but it'll be nice to see them in the new one.

Yeah, all done?

- Yes. So, now, phase two begins. - Ah, yes. Phase two.

- What is that? - Interior decoration.

I want to surprise Rayyan and J.J. With something really beautiful.

So, we need to buy paint.

- We've already done that. - You bought paint without me?

I bought drywall without you. You didn't care about that.

You bought drywall without me?

You're right. I don't care about that.

What color paint did you buy?

It is... Let me see. Let me picture it.

White.

Oh. What kind of white? Off white, cream white, blue white, ceiling white?

I'm pretty sure on the can, it just says "white".

- Do they even make a paint called "white"? - Apparently so.

Does this not fit in with your design scheme?

Ah, wait, let me picture it. No.

Great news.

I found a sponsor to donate a prize at my Test Your Islam IQ Night

on Saturday Inshallah.

What's the prize? A boat?

- Well, no. - Holiday vacation.

- No. - A car.

Close. Car mats.

How is that close?

Well, you can't have a car without car mats.

Yes, you can. You just have a dirty car.

- If you don't want to come, that's fine. - Those car mats are already mine.

My knowledge of Islam is unsurpassed.

Glad I turned you around.

It's gonna be an excellent beginning to the quiz.

No. It destroys before it begins. This contest is already over.

You've already lost.

What did I lose?

Yeah, just a little contest I'm holding at the mosque.

It's not some kind of quiz night, is it?

- It is, actually. - Good idea.

I can't believe your parents bought us an island.

I thought we were gonna stay in Mercy.

I thought so, too. But that was B.I.

- Hmm? - Before Island.

I just don't think that I can move across the world.

My parents just bought us that house.

I know, I understand. It's a big move.

It's a big move to a lush, luxurious island

with a waterfall.

Okay, but let's not tell my parents till we talk about this a little more.

They got a lot to deal with, with the wedding and everything.

All right. Do you really think you can keep a secret this big from your parents?

- Yeah, I'm pretty good at keeping secrets. - Ah.

- What about this? "Lavender mist." - Yeah, it's very nice.

Very lavender. It's really very, um... lavender.

- You don't like it. - Oh, I love it.

Your sense of color is as perfect as everything about you.

- If you don't like it, say so. - I have no problem expressing my opinion.

If I don't like something, I'll say so, usually at the most inopportune time.

Won't Rayyan and J.J. be surprised?

- Ooh, to say the least. - Yeah.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, dear.

Mom, Dad, just out for a walk.

- We're just sitting here. - Sitting in the evening.

- Yeah. It's nice to sit. - Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Yes. Almost as nice as it is to walk, which is what I was doing.

- That's, uh... - Oh...

Well, I'm just gonna go upstairs

with this envelope that I got earlier.

Excellent.

Enjoy your envelope, dear.

Thank you. Enjoy your sitting.

Yes, we like to sit.

It relaxes the legs.

It sure does.

Oh, yeah. Rayyan keeps a secret again.

Clear.

What about "Herbivore"?

The herbivore eats plants, so it's a green, right?

- Is there anything else? - "Lucky Thunder."

No, no. "Electric Sandcastle."

Why is it that all of these colors sound like John Travolta movies?

Hmm.

Nice turnout.

Well, you know, people having fun, learning at the same time.

And car mats. Really drags them out of the woodwork.

Too bad. I am one person short of a full house.

And a full house you shall have. I'm ready to test my Islam IQ.

Are you sure? Because these questions are brutal.

My pleasure. Maybe I'll learn something.

Thanks, Duncan. This is great.

People of different faiths together, having fun.

I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the floor of my car.

Right.

As-Salaam-Alaikum, everyone.

Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

Welcome to the first ever Test Your Islam IQ Night.

Now, remember, the purpose of tonight's contest is to have fun.

- But most important of all... - Car mats.

No. Learning.

But before we begin, I'd like us to test our response devices.

What is with these squeaky toys, anyway?

You work with what you got, Baber.

Trade parrot for crocodile?

Tonight's focus is the prophets, peace be upon them.

So, let's get started.

Uh, may I say something?

I just want to apologize in advance for crushing you all.

You... You have my condolences.

- Please continue. - Thank you, Baber.

Do not see it as your failure.

It is my triumph.

At the expense of your... Failure. Go on.

Okay, first question.

Hands on squeakers.

What was the name of the prophet to whom the Zabur was revealed by God?

Baber?

Dawood, peace be upon him.

Answer was correct. Second question.

"In a dream I saw 11 stars and the sun all bowing down to me."

Who am I?

The Prophet Joseph,

or Yusuf, as you would probably say, peace be upon him.

Fast enough for you?

That's right, actually.

Sorry. Not really fair. That one's in the Bible, too.

- Beginner's luck. - Moving on.

Who gave birth despite her advanced years?

Reverend?

Sarah was promised a child even though she was too old.

However, it could also be Zechariah's wife.

- Right again. - Do I get bonus points for that?

No, no.

In Surah Yusuf, Verse four, what do seven lean cows...

The seven lean cows represent

the seven years of famine. The fat ones the years of plenty.

Boy. A lot of these Quranic stories are very similar to the ones in the Bible.

- No kidding. - That is correct.

Who turned back to witness the punishment sent to the city of Sodom?

- Reverend? - Lot's wife.

Next question. Which mountain range in present-day Turkey...

Rev again.

Mount Ararat.

You're on a roll.

Well, I'm glad that we did this.

You were right. The Herbivore was too green.

But the Ocean Sediment. Not just blue-ish, but ocean-ish.

Do you think the kids will like it?

How could they not?

Why do I feel so terrible about this decision?

- Are we terrible? - I don't think we are terrible, you know.

It is an island.

You're right. My dad's done a little renovating on the house,

but he'll understand. He could always flip it, right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's an investment.

In the end, he'll make money.

Right. And it's not like any of us has an emotional attachment to this place.

Surprise!

Mom, Dad, I can't even believe this is the same house.

You even painted?

You know, just a personal touch, to make it feel more like home.

- I don't know what to say. - Oh.

It was nothing, really. Well, actually, it was a fair amount of work.

But you, J.J., you're worth it.

So worth it.

Yay.

You're worth it.

That concludes tonight's contest.

What a fun evening. And what a gracious winner.

I was always good at Old Testament stories in seminary.

They called me O.T. Magee for about a week.

Every time I get a good nickname, it never lasts.

Baber, you coming?

I need a moment.

Should have stayed with the crocodile.

- So, should we tell them? - Tell us what?

Um...

Just that we love you both so much.

- Oh. - That's nice.

- So, um, what do you think of the house? - Yeah.

It's great, Yasir. This is...

- This is just... - It's... Excuse me.

She's just... It's all so... Excuse me.

She's under stress. She's just overwhelmed by everything.

That's it. That has to be it.

What else could it be?

- She doesn't like the house. - She doesn't like the house.

- Well, we have to repaint. - It's my fault.

If I had let you choose the colors, none of this would have happened.

No, no. We both agreed. Ocean Sediment was the way to go.

But they hated it. We should have gone with something else.

Arizona Topaz, Herbivore Green, Urban Cowboy.

No, no, that one really is a John Travolta movie.

- We have to get it right this time, - Which is why we're doing it your way.

Because I'm wrong. Dead wrong.

No, don't be stubborn. You are not.

I know when I'm wrong. I'm wrong a lot.

And I walk around knowing it.

- Let's not fight. - You're right.

If we want to win Rayyan over with this house,

we have to work together as a unit.

- So we do it your way? - No chance. Let's choose something new.

Um... "Edge." "Double Helix."

Seriously, are we onto Keanu Reeves' movies now?

Oh.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

It was really silly of me to fall apart like that.

Don't be sorry. I thought you fell apart quite well.

Hmm. Well, I don't fall apart often, but when I do, I like to go big.

Listen, I've been doing some thinking.

And me and my family, we've been moving around our whole lives.

But you guys, Mercy is your home.

Hmm.

We should stay here.

- You think so? - I do.

Besides, I've been doing some snooping.

And from a wiring perspective, we couldn't be in better shape.

Oh. Thanks, J.J.

I should be thanking you for welcoming me into your family

- and for giving me your toast. - My toast?

Yoink! Ah, too easy.

So, have you told your parents yet?

- About what? - About how we're not taking the island.

Never thought about that.

Yoink! Oh, you're right. That was too easy.

I demand a second chance. Last night was just bad luck.

- I thought Muslims didn't believe in luck. - As a matter of fact, we don't.

I knew that. That doesn't count for points.

We were playing for fun, remember, Baber?

But I am a know-it-all. That's who I am.

Thus to be a know-it-all, I must know it all. All of it.

There is no expression "know-it-some".

Makes sense... I think.

I demand a second chance.

Well, all right, but the questions are gonna be tough.

Don't think I'm gonna throw you any soft balls.

- I'm not afraid. - And I promise to sit this one out.

- Quit while I'm ahead. - Good. As it should be.

I'll be back on top.

Hmm.

You must compete.

- Why? - "Why?"

What kind of test is a test if I'm not tested

against the previous champion?

That's not a test at all!

But me winning was just a fluke. Dumb luck.

I totally agree. You're completely helpless.

Easy, Baber.

Your accidental win made a complete mockery of the contest.

- Seriously, Baber. - A sham of a mockery.

A fraud of a sham of a mockery.

Okay. You want a contest? You got a contest.

- I'm in. - Excellent.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

I will crush you.

I thank you.

You... You are going down.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Is it me, or does Baber get weirder every year?

Thank you.

- Hmm. Did you get through to your parents? - Yeah, I sure did.

Had a good chat.

Good. Got that over with.

- That's a load off. Let me tell you. - Mmm-hmm. So, how'd they take it?

- Hmm? - The news about the island,

about us staying here.

Yeah, I... I never really told them about that.

So, when you said you got it done, you meant what, exactly?

A routine conversation with your parents?

Yeah. Strike it off the list.

Uh, J.J., you promised that you would tell them. This is important.

I know. I know. I was on the phone and suddenly the words wouldn't come.

- Write something on your hand next time. - It... It got smudgy.

The first time I've painted the same house twice in a week, but it was worth it.

Let's not tell them we repainted till we're finished.

They've got enough on their minds with the wedding.

Are you sure you can keep this secret from Rayyan a second time?

Oh, yeah, I can be very sneaky.

Oh.

- Oh, Rayyan. - Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, hi.

Oh, you're probably wondering why we're covered in paint like this.

- Not really. - Yeah.

- It's a funny story. - You don't have to tell us.

Oh, well, we were taking part in a charity paint-a-thon, right?

- We won. - Great.

- Yeah. Won. - Yeah.

Um, you see, it's a contest and a paint-a-thon.

It's sort of a combination paint-a-thon and a paint-off,

kind of a sort of a paint-off-a-thon.

Oh, that's nice, guys.

- You'll talk to your parents soon, right? - Absolutely.

Yeah. Sarah keeps a secret again.

- Well played. - Mmm-hmm.

Islam IQ quiz two. This time it's personal.

It was personal last time. I was extremely hurt, you know.

Guys, save it for the game.

Say goodbye to your throne, Mr. Pretender-to-the-throne.

Actually, it's Reverend Pretender. Ooh, that's hard to say.

All right, Mr. Pretender is fine.

- Ah. - Okay, time to play.

Oh, shouldn't we wait for the other contestants?

No one else wanted to play with you guys.

- I can't imagine why. - Hmm.

The Prophet Zechariah, peace be upon him.

What did the Prophet Musa change a stick into?

A snake.

That's correct. How many months in the Islamic calendar?

Twelve months.

What religious school of thought is followed by most Muslims

in India and Pakistan?

Most Muslims of the Indo-Pak subcontinent practice the Hanafi school.

That is my subcontinent. His hands move so fast. I can't keep up.

- I'm a quick study. What can I say? - Say nothing. Give somebody else a chance.

I happen to have a deep spiritual connection to religious issues.

That's why I can answer these questions.

Not fair. He is using a deep spiritual connection. I call foul.

Relax, guys. This is supposed to be fun.

- Fun for you. You two are colluding. - We are not. I resent that.

I resent your fast hands, Mr. Fast Hands.

- Reverend Fast hands! - Colluder!

- Whiner. - Colluder.

- Whiner... - Colluder...

Long as we're having a good time.

And make a fist.

Rayyan, I've got news.

Well, look who's back.

To be fair, you didn't have to come back either.

You're perfectly fine.

Well, I wanted to hear what happened with the island.

Excuse us.

It's good news.

- Did you get another island? - We're turning the island down.

- Can I have it? - No.

I told my parents.

- You did? - Yeah. I came clean.

- I laid the whole thing out. - Oh, thank you.

That means so much to me. So, how did they take it?

I don't know. We'll know when they get the email.

Email? You told them by email?

Yep. Done and done.

J.J., you can't tell them by email. Mmm-mmm. Who sends bad news via email?

Someone who's saving it on long distance?

Hey, I can't feel my arm.

Is that bad?

Wow. You are right again, Duncan.

You wanted a contest, I'm giving you a contest.

- You are cheating. - I resent that.

Just because I'm wiping the floor with you...

We'll soon see who's a floor, and the person who mops it.

No, no. I'm saying that you'd be the mop.

- Then who's the floor? - A floor is just the floor.

- So, who's mopping who? - All right, enough!

I'm calling the second Islamic IQ quiz to a close.

- Why? - Because you're arguing.

It's against the spirit of Islam and Christianity,

and pretty much all the other ones too.

The quiz is canceled?

Then who gets the prize?

- I do. - What's the prize anyway?

Mud flaps. Big Al's Auto came through again.

Hey, you don't even have a car.

You think I could...

As Yosemite Sam says on my new mud flaps...

Back off. You too.

- This is all your fault. - It's your fault.

- It's your fault. - It's yours.

- Whiner. - Colluder.

Surprise!

Wow.

On second thoughts, we decided to improve the color scheme.

It's called Lovesick Mustard, but it's more of an emotional yellow.

It's so, uh... different.

We realized that you were a little less than pleased before.

When Rayyan was crying and ran out of the room.

- Parents pick up on that kind of thing. - Yeah.

Oh, wow. Guys, it's really very mustard.

- Yeah. - Really mustard.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Mustard.

Very much so.

Ha!

I like white.

White is good.

I didn't know they made a color that was just called "white".

Oh, yeah, they keep it behind the counter. You have to ask for it.

...all of us working together.

I mean, it's just such a nice way to send you off into your new home.

The wedding's not for weeks. We can paint the house a few more times.

No, thank you.

So, I told my parents we weren't taking the island.

You told them by phone, right? Not by Morse Code or something?

Yes, I told them by phone.

How did your parents react when you told them

- we were thinking about taking it? - Oh.

Well, they've been really busy with the house and everything.

I figured since we're gonna stay, there is no point in telling them. Okay.

Perhaps I was a little hypocritical

about the whole "talk to your parents" thing.

Look, the important thing is that you admit it,

and that I get to feel slightly superior for a couple seconds.

No, the important thing is that I'm taking your water.

Yoink!

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

- Hey, hey. - Glad to see you guys being friendly.

Oh, just a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Well, I have crushed you. Give me my final pie.

Well, you won. I wouldn't say you crushed me.

My pie, my pie. Give me my final pie.

Wait, you didn't let me win, did you?

- No. - Good.

I have defeated you.

Thank you for playing.

You have been crushed.

Thanks again. Goodbye.

Thanks for letting him win.

It helps his self-esteem.

I have destroyed and washed the floor with Magee's mop.

Once again, I've shown that I am a know-it-all.

Why, because, simply, as you all saw,

I do know it all. No one else but me knows it all like me.

It was over from the beginning. No one as good as me, especially Magee.

Yes, indeed I did it. I knew I could...

So, do I get the mud flaps now?

They're on your desk.

Keep 'em. I want a rematch.