Original subtitles

- Morning, Fred. - Morning.

- Got your test results back. - Let me guess, fit as a fiddle,

strong as an ox, healthy as a man twice my age.

Exactly. Although, according to the radiologist's report,

your X-ray shows an abnormality.

Oh, God, I know I'm dying.

What happened to fit as a fiddle? Strong as an ox?

Who's kidding who, Doc?

The fiddle's busted, and the ox ran off.

Fred, you're overreacting.

I'm gonna send you in for a few extra tests.

It could be something, it could be nothing.

Well, great. So, it could be something.

Fred, let's not get carried away here, okay?

All I'm saying is that it's possible.

Possible? Something?

Well, you don't pull any punches, do you, Doc?

- I'm a dead man. - Fred. Repeat after me,

"I'm not dying. I'm not dying."

Easy for you to say. I'm the one who's dying.

- Fred, wait. - No, no, I'm done waiting, Doc.

I may be dying tomorrow, but I am living today, sister.

I do have at least a day, right?

Yes, Fred. Almost certainly.

Oh, God.

Hey, you ever think about God?

Well, I am an imam.

Kind of an occupational hazard.

I mean, like, the afterlife.

You know, light at the end of the old tunnel there?

H-E double hockey sticks?

Well, it's natural to consider your mortality.

Mortality? I'm talking about death.

What... What do your people say about, you know, preparing for the afterlife?

Well, there's Allahu ghafurun raheem.

- You casting one of your spells on me? - It's from the Quran.

I'm bored already. Just give me the short answer, huh?

In English, por favor?

God is all forgiving and all merciful if you repent.

And you have to make amends to those you've wronged.

Those I've wronged, huh?

Nobody comes to mind. I guess I'm in the clear.

And don't forget, coming up later on the Fred Tupper Show.

"Mad at Muslims Mondays!"

Fred Tupper

- Dad, can you sign my permission form? - For what?

- More school. - Oh, more school?

Where do I sign? Hmm?

Where it says, "sign here."

Ah.

Awesome.

Awesome?

You never see awesome for more school.

Diving school?

Layla, do you know how dangerous the oceans are?

It's driving school, Dad.

Subhanallah! Do you know how dangerous the roads are?

But women have the fewest accidents.

That means you'll be endangered by careless men.

- So, I can't drive because of them? - Yes, I can just see it now.

- You get in an accident with a boy. - Oh.

Exchange insurance information, your hands touch. Ugh!

What am I supposed to do, walk everywhere?

That's why Allah gave you legs.

Fine. I'll walk home, past the basketball courts

with the cute boys in their tank top.

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

You have successfully manipulated me.

You can take your driving lessons.

Great.

- But I will be the lesson teacher. - Huh?

Come in!

Yas?

Fred?

- Hey, Yas. - You're here. In my home.

Yeah. You don't lock your door?

I will now.

How can I help you, Fred?

Ah! Yeah. Well, um...

I, um...

Hey! This is nice. Your place.

Not as, uh, "ethnic" as I thought it would be.

Fred, What do you want?

Yasir.

I want to give you something.

Something you've been asking for for a long, long time.

Okay, Fred, we can talk about this, Fred, you do not...

- Your blow torch. - Oh!

- How long have you had this for? - Well, I borrowed it pre nine/11.

But I, uh, I thought it'd be safer in my hands post nine/11.

- Ah. - 'Cause I thought you were a terrorist.

Yeah, Fred, I get it. I get it.

Anyhoo, no, uh, no hard feelings?

No. None at all. You wanna watch some of the game?

Yeah, I'd love that, actually.

Listen, I'm sorry about that time I called you a camel jockey.

- You never called me that. - Well, not to your face, no.

Now, remember, three rights makes a left.

Can't we just make a left?

Slow down, NASCAR Suzy.

- Hey! - Dad!

You almost hit that guy.

What's a bicycle doing on the street anyway?

They're supposed to be there.

He belongs in the sidewalk with the baby carriages and the poodles.

You almost hit them, too.

Hello?

God.

It's, uh... It's Fred.

Fred?

God's a woman?

I got some explaining to do.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just, you know, swung by to check out your whole daily,

- you know. - Why? You need more ammo?

You're running out of material for your show?

Relax. I come in peace.

I just wanted to learn more about your kind.

- Fred? - Just give me a tour, will you?

I'll behave myself. I swear on my life.

What's left of it.

Shoes!

Here is the barricade, and the men go on this side

- and the women... - Women on this side, oh, right.

Sporting goods, second floor.

Oh.

Can I get your bags?

Oh.

- Hi, guys... Whoo-hoo! - What are you doing?

I just, uh...

Alsalaam alaikum.

Salami lamalakum.

No. Well, that's what I would say, only, I would say it a little bit better.

- Then you would say, Walaikum assalaam. - Walla-kumi-salami.

Good! Better!

Well, Sare, listen, thanks for, uh... Thanks showing me around.

No problem, Fred.

What can I say? But it was really nice of you to stop by.

Well...

Oh, I almost walked off with that.

Oh, why don't you keep it in case you ever want to come back?

Our doors are always open till it's ten o'clock.

Thanks. Toodles, huh?

Hanging out with the Muslims, are you?

So are you.

This is just lawn cutting.

- Funny, you don't look mad. - What are you talking about?

Isn't it "Mad at Muslims Mondays"?

Shouldn't you, I dunno, be mad at Muslims?

Seems kinda two-faced.

It's not two-faced. It's one-faced.

Because this face doesn't hate Muslims anymore!

Salaam alaikum.

Now, remember, the horn is your friend.

A double honk...

...means, "You have made a driving mistake."

A long single honk...

...means, "What are you doing? Learn how to drive!"

What does that mean?

Oh, hello?

Uh... Dad, shouldn't we speed up?

- Oh, nonsense. Speed limit is 30. - It's 50.

Layla, no one has ever been arrested for driving too slow.

Mad at Muslims Monday!

Yup, time to go off on another Muslim-related rant.

You know, I know it was straight from the format today

'cause the truth is, you know, people are a lot like ice cream.

I mean... some of us are vanilla, some of us are chocolate.

Some of us are Muslim. Some of us are normal.

It really doesn't matter whether you worship God or Gandhi.

I mean, we're all... We're all going to the same place in the end.

Let's take a break.

What the hell are you doing?

- I... - Listen to you.

You're sensitive, you're caring.

Somewhere along the line, Fred, you forgot the hate.

If you don't get your act together, I'm gonna have to...

Fire me?

I was going to say, find "The Best of Fred Tupper".

Well, you can't fire me.

- I wasn't going to fire you. - Because I quit.

But I wasn't going to fire you.

I'm done, Stan. I can't do this any longer.

Preaching a hate I don't feel in my heart, living a lie.

Life's too short, Stan.

Mine especially.

Goodbye, Fred Tupper, hate-monger.

Hello, world.

You were doing 29 in a 50.

There's nothing wrong with going too slow.

Actually, there is.

You also drove through two stop signs.

Oh, and he almost hit a poodle.

Yeah, I noticed.

License and registration, please.

- This is a sub club card. - Oh, sorry.

This is a full sub club card.

I've been, um, saving them for posterity.

Yeah.

Have you ever thought about glasses, Mr. Sudo-quai?

Glasses?

I don't want to look like some regular "Johnny four-eyes."

No offense.

Until you have your vision tested, I'm taking away your license.

Oh, hello.

Hi, toots, you got a sec?

Not really. I don't have much time.

Neither do I.

Listen, Fatima.

There's something that I've been meaning to tell you for quite a while.

Can it wait?

I'm a little busy.

No, it can't, I've already waited too long.

I... I need to say this.

But the truth is, Fatima, that I, uh...

I'm sorry, Fred, now is not the time.

Fatima, it's always the right time to tell somebody...

Fatima! Fatima! Fatima!

The truth is, Fatima, that I've always...

- Fred. - ...Loved...

Fred. Good news.

I had the radiologist take another look at your X-ray.

The abnormality is just scar tissue.

You're clear.

- So, I'm not dying? - No, you're the opposite of dying.

You're living.

- Isn't that great? - Yeah.

What is it you were trying to tell me?

I've always loved you... your hummus.

Love your hummus.

- Can I have a word with you? - Yes.

- So, I'm not dying? - No.

- I have to die! - What are you talking about?

I just embarrassed myself,

all over town, being nice to people.

My reputation is shot. My career is dead.

- Fred, you're being ridiculous. - Oh, I'm being ridiculous?

I'll show you ridiculous, sister.

Fred Tupper is suing me.

- It's ridiculous. - I know!

He's taking me to court.

Me. Rayyan. Excellent doctor, upstanding citizen

and "all-around-amazing person" Hamoudi.

First of all, that's a terrible nickname.

Secondly, what exactly did you say to him?

All I said was, it could be something, it could be nothing.

If you think about it, we're all dying every day, anyway.

We're one step closer to death as we speak.

Please tell me you did not say that.

This is bad, Amaar.

My insurance could skyrocket, I could lose my practice.

This town would be out of a doctor.

Luckily, you know, Amaar, not just the imam,

but formerly "big-shot Toronto lawyer" Rashid.

Right. 'Cause that's a way better nickname.

Okay, I will talk to Fred.

Make sure he drops this silly suit.

This case will never even see the light of day.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

Absolutely not.

Just think about it, Fred.

I am not gonna drop this lawsuit.

Look, I want justice at all costs.

I don't care how long it takes.

But it might be thousands of dollars and take years.

Yeah, but I want satisfaction now and for free.

How about a mediated settlement?

What's that?

That's where we pick a mutually agreed upon mediator

who hears both sides and helps us resolve this out of court.

Depends.

Who's your pick for mediator?

We need an independent person who's tough but fair.

How about Baber?

No, too Muslim.

What about Joe?

He's too... Joe.

Yeah. I can't argue with that.

What about the Rev? Magee's not too anything.

Agreed.

Fine. I'll see you in court.

It's a mediation, Fred.

Fine.

I'll see you in court.

- Fatima, save me. - What is the matter, Layla?

My dad won't get his vision tested, and now he's making us walk everywhere

and now I'll never learn to drive.

I could so get used to this fresh air, saving on exorbitant petrol costs.

This calls for a treat.

Two of your coldest waters, please!

Baber, why don't you just take the eye exam?

Because then I would look like a regular "Johnny four-eyes." Uh-uh.

No offense. Sorry.

Oh, I'm a nervous wreck. Are you sure this is gonna work?

Yes. Let's just stick to the plan. Do you remember the plan?

Uh, let you do the talking?

- Yes. - That's what I'm a little worried about.

You're talking. I'm not sure you get the plan.

Amaar, forgive me, but you're the one who said that

this would never see the light of day.

Relax, Rayyan.

Mediations are informal, friendly. It'll be a piece of cake.

I object!

Fred. We haven't even started yet.

Overruled.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Watch where you're mowing!

Read the bumper sticker. It says,

"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk."

There is no such sticker.

Darn kids.

Take away my license, they should take away your license.

What license? It's a lawn mower, pal.

You don't need a license to drive one of these bad boys.

Really? How's the mileage?

- Good. - Hmm.

Your Honor, I may just be a small-town country lawyer...

You're not, Fred.

You're really not.

But the evidence in this case is gonna show that by misdiagnosing me...

I did not misdiagnose you, Fred.

Rayyan, please, let me handle this.

She did not misdiagnose you, Fred.

As a result of her inconclusive diagnosis,

- Dr. "Ham-handed" Hamoudi... - Now that is a nickname.

...Forced me to become a nicer person.

So, what's wrong with that?

I make a living being a hate-filled maniac.

I can't make a living being a nice guy.

- I do. - So do I.

You don't even have a car. I rest my case.

- Really? - No.

That is why I am suing today.

Giving Muslims a hard time is my bread and butter.

Now I'm left... sandwich-less, as it were.

Well, Fred, how do you intend to show that?

Conjecture, opinion...

And by calling my surprise witnesses.

Surprise witnesses... What?

Oh, no, please, no.

Layla! Right here! Over here!

I'm right in front of you.

Dad, where did you get that?

Joe loaned it to me. Are you ready to hit the drive-thru?

It is "five tacos for four dollars" day!

You can't be serious.

The tacos are very small, perhaps your friend would like to come?

Ugh! No, sorry, Mr. S.

I'm too... What's the word?

Cool.

You can't leave me here.

Sorry. You're on your own.

Dad, I am not riding in that thing.

You're going to look pretty funny walking to that drive-thru.

I'll take my chances.

- Mrs. Hamoudi... - Yeah.

Could you kindly point out the person who walked into the mosque that day?

- Fred, do I have to? - Mmm-hmm.

Ah-ha. So, it was me.

And what did you think of the fact

that I was trying to learn more about what your people do?

I... I was surprised.

And?

Oh. I was glad you came in.

And?

- I thought it was kinda nice. - Nice!

Nice!

Could the court reporter read that back, please?

There's no court reporter, Fred.

How convenient.

And I saw you talking with her.

And you were wearing some funny-looking hat.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to the court, exhibit A.

Mom. Don't gasp.

I know, but he's doing such a good job.

Mr. Hamoudi, after spending some time with me,

do you still believe that I hate Muslims?

- Hmm. Not really, no. - Dad?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but I don't.

We actually had a really nice time.

I had a nice time, too, actually.

You see, Your Honor? I'm nice now!

Nice! And I cannot make a living being nice.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tupper out.

Oh, come on, Layla. You can't walk all the way home.

Yes, I can. We've been doing it all week.

Just because it's not a car, doesn't mean it's not a vehicle.

I don't get why don't you just take the exam!

It's so not a big deal.

Because an eye test is a gateway to glasses.

- Uh... Dad? - And glasses are

the gateway to getting old.

- No, Dad... - And getting old is a gateway to death.

- Which I am not comfortable with. - Dad, watch out!

I meant to do that.

And, finally, Your Honor, I would be remiss

if I did not bring forth admissible evidence.

Prima facie, from the Latin meaning "evidence good on its face."

Are you stalling, Amaar?

No. I just, um...

Your Honor, can I have a word with my client?

- Yes. - I'm totally stalling.

What happened to let you do the talking? I thought you had a plan.

The truth is, he's got you beat.

It's an open and shut case.

I can't do anything as a lawyer, but maybe as an imam...

You're going to imam your way out of this?

Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna lose.

- No, you're not. - How do you know?

Because you're a good doctor. You don't deserve this.

And sometimes you have to have faith

that things are gonna work out the way they're supposed to.

Faith, Amaar, that's your plan?

Faith?

Oh, I suppose the solution to my problem

is gonna march through that door like a Miracle on 34th Street?

I haven't seen that movie. What happens?

Your Honor, I have something you need to see.

- Stan, what are you doing here? - What's in the bag?

- Money for my settlement? - Nope. Hate mail.

- What? - Tons and tons of hate mail.

Every one of them addressed to you.

Mom, don't gasp.

This is pretty incredible.

- It's a miracle. A low-grade miracle. - Take a look.

People never disliked you more, Fred.

"You are the end of hope."

Uh...

"You are a bitter, hateful man."

It's true.

"I wish you were dead."

Your fans hate you because you turned on them.

And the Muslims hate you for suing one of their own.

- Which means... - My rep's back to normal!

It may even be worse.

Well, in that case, Your Honor, I happily drop my suit.

They dislike me.

They really, really dislike me.

Hey, how was the eye exam?

Fantastic. Looks like I will not be embarrassing you anymore.

- That's awesome. - What do you think?

I think we should go shopping for contact lenses tomorrow.

I have to hand it to you, Amaar "the-wise-Imam" Rashid.

Well, when something's meant to happen, you just have to have faith.

You know what I mean?

I think I do.

Still pretty lucky, though.

Oh, yeah. Luck doesn't hurt, either.

Well, Fatima, looks like everything's back to normal.

- Everyone hates me again. - Almost everyone.

Some hummus.

Since you love it so much.