Original subtitles

Mmm. That was wonderful.

Thank you. More salad? I forgot Rayyan was working late tonight,

I have surplus greens.

You always forget. You'll probably still make her dinner

- after she moves away. - Away?

Out.

- I heard "away." - Well, who knows?

I mean, J.J.'s family lives in Dubai, and he works all over the world.

It's all my fault.

When she was seven, I let her switch from crayons to markers.

Causing her to grow up, get married and move out?

- Set off a chain of events. - Oh, Yasir.

We can't think this isn't the end of something,

this is a new beginning.

You're right.

Let's just enjoy this time alone.

My precious, precious angel.

- Mmm. Oh, she's using markers in that. - No, you're really sticking it to me now.

I know we're not supposed to gossip or listen to backbiting,

but shouldn't I tell Britney? I really need some advice.

Which one's Britney again?

Britney's the one Hailey was talking about.

She said Hailey must've been at Tommy's as she didn't show up at Hailey's house.

- Hailey didn't show up at her own house? - No, the other Hailey.

So, Tommy only goes, "Hey!" to Hailey. So, Britney has totally lost it...

Stop, stop! Stop! You lost me at Bailey.

Who is Bailey?

Okay, this is gonna take a while. Why don't we meet at Fatima's at noon?

I have a steering committee meeting.

Uh, okay, sure. What's the steering committee?

The planning committee plus one other guy.

So, what I was thinking was to buy it and flip it.

- What? Who flips houses in Mercy? - It's an idea whose time has arrived.

It's a fixer-upper.

Oh!

It's a tearer-downer.

That's just cosmetic, for heaven's sakes.

When they built these houses a hundred years ago, they built them to last.

Ninety-nine years?

Why don't you take a look around? Go in there. Go on.

- Is the floor safe in there? - Of course it's safe.

"Is the floor safe?" No, darling, only one at a time.

You know, she's right.

- This place is a dive. - Yeah, but it's our dive.

- What? - I already bought it.

- With our money? - No, with my money.

And a little bit of your money. So, yes, our money.

- Why? - For Rayyan.

So that she can come and live here with J.J.

All it needs is a few tweaks.

- Oh, you mean a year's renovation. - Worst case.

I'm gonna make this into a gleaming palace for our princess.

- Oh, boy. I need to sit down. - Oh, don't do that.

There's no chairs and floor has fungus.

- You mean the floor... - Yeah, it's alive.

- But... - Yeah.

What are you up to?

Just found out I can get free Wi-Fi here.

Wireless Internet.

I can surf the net from the cafe.

- And what is this costing me? - Nothing. It's someone else's signal.

So, this is a good thing.

Could bring in new customers.

What makes you think I need new customers?

Fatima.

This two% milk tastes like one%. Mix-up or vicious prank?

Maybe I do need new customers.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

- What's new? - Free Internet and a milk crisis.

- Sorry I'm late. - It's okay. I got help off the Internet.

You went on the Internet for a spiritual matter?

This isn't a question about gardening.

This is a complex issue rife with cultural cross currents.

Wow. You really know how to talk to kids.

Besides, I think I got good advice.

What website could ever replace asking your imam?

Askyourimam.com.

See, even the name sounds confusing.

They told me not to tell Hailey, 'cause then I'd be gossiping.

But instead to tell Britney as many good things about Hailey as I can.

That is actually good advice.

Well, I got to go.

I feel so inadequate.

Try askyourimam.com.

They helped me.

- So, the spare room will go here. - Wait, wait. Are you building back or up?

- Oh, I'm building back and up. - What?

This just in. Nobody's building anything.

- Turn the radio down. - I don't have a radio.

What? Oh.

- Afternoon, neighbors. - Hello, Fred.

I always knew the baying wolves of Islam would come howling at my door.

- You should work for the Welcome Wagon. - They have my resume.

A bit of a sore point, but I do have something to give you.

- Oh, that's sweet. What is it? - A warning.

No renos that interfere with my even browning.

How can our renovations affect your barbecuing?

Not barbecuing, sun-tanning.

- You sun-tan? - Absotubely.

You're not the first expansionados that I put the kibosh on.

I just have one question for you.

- Ask away. - You sun-tan?

I just think we can give more reliable advice than a website.

I don't know.

Spiritual advice from all over the world doesn't sound bad to me.

Our jobs could be wiped out by the Internet.

- We're not the record industry. - Maybe I should join this website.

Maybe you should.

Can people in Bulgaria use my help?

Sure.

Ottoman Empire left a lot of painful scars.

It's a big world out there and I wanna make a difference.

- Get out there and make a difference. - Okay.

- Takes a few minutes to boot up. - Yeah.

I'm gonna finish making my coffee.

Just remember, Yasir, if Rayyan ever does move into this house,

she will be Fred's neighbor.

So, please be diplomatic.

- You have my word. - Thank you, honey.

Fred.

Fred, I have a compromise.

- I don't compromise. - Then I'll plunge you into darkness.

- Yasir. - I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was, I'm going to build an addition

so stunning,

so beneficial to everyone's property values,

that Mr. Tupper won't mind being plunged into darkness.

- Oh, yeah? - Hold me back. Yeah!

I'll see... Hold me back. I'll see you at Committee of Adjustments!

I'll see you there!

- You better bring your form 240-A! - I'll be there with my form 240-A!

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

How's our imam to the world doing?

Wild, Duncan. I can reach people across the globe.

Whoa.

You might wanna try reaching a little higher.

- What are you talking about? - Your rating here is really low.

- They rate my responses? - That's what that thermometer is.

- Oh. - What'd you think it was?

Temperature in Mecca?

- I don't think it gets that cold in Mecca. - Right.

- Don't think it's that cold in Greenland. - Okay.

Maybe on Mars.

You were right.

The Hi-Fi is a big hit.

My famous veal cutlets are on special.

No, thanks.

Just having coffee.

What about you?

He's in a meeting.

The computer people only order coffee.

The noise of the typing makes it hard to collect my thoughts.

That is one upside.

I've lost my ability to provoke lively and thoughtful debate.

The heinous keyboard bangers will answer to Allah.

You see? Nothing.

I never wanna see another distracted youth operating a wireless device ever again.

Layla.

Layla.

Layla, Layla, Layla.

- Half an hour to go until the formality. - It's not a formality.

It's a hearing and don't be overconfident.

No such thing as overconfidence when you can't lose.

Take a look at the drawings.

- Looks reasonable. - That's the before drawing.

Here's what it'll look like after the eclipse.

- This is spectacular. - Mmm-hmm.

Sorry, am I, uh, blocking your light?

Don't make me build even higher, Fred.

You're not building anything, Hamoudi.

Stayed up all night on this puppy. I got you dead to rights.

- You're bluffing. - Damn it, you're right.

I got bubkes.

Plus, now I'm really tired.

See, there's nothing you can do to stop me fixing up a 100-year-old house.

Hundred years old.

Interesting.

The thermometer just hit absolute zero.

- The world hates me. - Not this world.

You're a great imam for your congregation.

It's just that when I was in Mecca,

I saw how this faith draws people

from every region, race and social class.

That's powerful.

Changed my life, Duncan. It changed my life!

And I want to give back to my people around the world.

Go for it.

Did you just eat all my fries?

No.

- Oh, I think you've made a mistake here. - It's our new coffee house pricing.

$4 for a coffee and $5 for a biscotti?

It's not even a biscotti.

It's just day-old bread.

Toasted.

It will be cheaper at my "going out of business" sale.

Therefore, let us not succumb to reckless overbuilding

with no regard to sunlight,

which fuels almost all life on Earth.

In the words of Walt Whitman,

"Give me the splendid silent sun,

"with all his beams full-dazzling."

Very moving, Mr. Tupper.

Not relevant, but moving.

Yasir?

This rubber stamp is for you.

Oh, there is one other item you might want to consider.

I have in my hand the title record,

indicating that Mr. Hamoudi's house

is in fact the former residence of one Mrs. Mercedes.

Who?

Dr. Mercy.

Oh.

- Who? - Dr. Mercedes was the town's first doctor.

- The town's named for her. - What's that to do with my renovation?

I can't allow it. It's a heritage site.

It will upset people, old people. I'll get hundreds of calls.

Well, dozens.

They use rotary phones.

There's no law that can stop me.

Other than bylaw 143 of the Heritage Preservation Act.

- I can't fix up the house for Rayyan. - Yasir.

- This rubber stamp is for you. - What's the difference?

This one says "rejected."

How can you resent someone named Dr. Mercy?

She ruined my plans.

- Well, she helped establish this town. - I resent her for that, too.

- Poor Dr. Mercy. - Will you please stop saying "Dr. Mercy"?

- Are you guys talking about Dr. Mercy? - Yeah.

Dr. Mercedes is my hero.

The essay I wrote for my medical school application was about her.

Well, we've got some big news for you, then.

Yes, she used to live in that hellhole your father bought.

- You bought that house? - Yeah, for a...

- A flip. - We own Dr. Mercy's house?

- You can't sell it. - True, I can't.

Yasir, I have an idea.

Maybe Rayyan could live in it with J.J.

Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Are you serious?

I could live in Dr. Mercy's house?

If it's okay with your father?

- Sarah Hamoudi, you are a visionary. - Yeah.

God.

- Okay, then. - Oh, my God, this is great!

You want me to rate your posts on askyourimam.com?

Only if you think they're worthy.

I know I can help these people, but they won't take advice seriously

if they know it comes from someone with a really low rating.

I'll do it on one condition.

You rate my posts on rapwiththereverends.com.

You give spiritual advice online?

The web is more than a place to chat with my fellow Supertramp fans.

- Okay, we got a deal. - Wait. I need your screen name.

A-Train.

- A-Train? - Yeah, A for Amaar.

- Why "train"? - You're analyzing this way too closely.

- What's yours? - DuncanMagee1958.

1958, year you were born.

No, that's how many Duncan Magees joined before me.

- Popular Anglican name. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Ah, the old Mercedes house.

- So much history in there. - That's why we purchased it.

To honor the history of the great Dr. Mercy.

Oh, no, no, this wasn't Dr. Mercedes' house.

- Excuse me. - It was her sister, Lady Mercedes.

- An impressive woman in her own right. - And how.

First female rum-runner in the province.

Rum-runner? Really?

- Not really. - Okay.

Technically, it was bootlegging, since it was over land, not water.

So, Dr. Mercy didn't live here at all.

Nope, two streets over.

But she visited here a lot.

Never.

She didn't think the roof was safe.

The Web-generation has a very short attention span.

It's all "LOL" and "BRB" and H-O-I-D-M-H.

- What's that? - Hang on, I dropped my hat.

- It's new. - Duncan.

- Some of the issues have cultural... - Cross currents? I saw.

Why not try getting right to the point?

I can do that.

Right to the point, no waiting.

Amaar, I could use your advice.

The restaurant is not doing so well lately...

Absolutely. Definitely.

The best thing to do right now is to shoot me an email.

Aren't you getting a bit obsessed with this?

Obsessed? IDTS.

- What? - I don't think so.

Do you know what this is?

Oh, yeah, it's the place hope comes to die.

This is the parlor where Dr. Mercy wrote her landmark paper

on stress fractures.

Stress fractures.

It seems appropriate.

I can feel her presence.

- I have to tell you something. - No, me first.

- Thank you for buying me this house. - Yeah, but...

You were right, it was meant to be.

And best of all, now I can live near you for the rest of my life.

- Sweetheart. - Mmm.

- Now, what did you want to tell me? - Nothing.

Would you like some coffee?

Ah, no, thanks. I only have ten bucks.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

Amaar,

should I tell someone the whole truth about something,

even if it will ruin a good situation for everybody involved?

- FYH. - Excuse me.

Follow your heart.

Efficient.

Thank you.

Rayyan, my resourceful little angel,

what brings you to the all-knowing Web?

Oh, just doing a little research on the house.

I wouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet.

- Where did that come from? - World weary street smarts.

Really? Or is it because you know

the house belonged to Lady Mercedes, the rum-runner?

- Bootlegger. - You knew and you didn't tell me.

I only found out yesterday.

- I was going to tell... - You'd think

you'd tell this to a person right away when they're planning their life.

- Where are you going? - I've got to go to work.

Amaar.

Your community needs you. I need you.

Being connected has made you less connected.

I say this as a friend.

Amaar.

Amaar!

Oh, Fatima, um, I'll just take the check.

You didn't order anything.

Oh, sorry, Fatima, I've got a Muslim in Vatican City who needs my help.

He's feeling a little isolated.

You have a person right here who needs your help.

- Oh, God, what have I done? - It's this Internet that's to blame.

Where does it come from?

Well, it was developed as a way for government agencies...

You meant this Internet? Um...

I don't know. It's unicorn-something.

The vegan store down the street.

Wait, I need that.

Shoot me an email.

We need to talk.

Whoa. Why so uptight?

Your free Internet is in my cafe, and I want it blocked.

Blocked? No, no. That's just what The Man wants.

I like this man.

Look, the Internet should be free. There's enough bandwidth for everyone.

What is bandwidth?

It's the idea superhighway.

It's the straw that the soy milkshake of information all passes through.

Like a big pipe.

I think you need a little less of the pipe, young man.

You know, I never meant to deceive her. I just. .. You know, I never meant to deceive her. I just...

Wanted her to raise a family here.

It's hard to admit you're scared to lose your daughter.

- I'm not scared. - You're not?

I'm terrified!

Tell her that. Besides, no matter where she goes, you'll never lose her.

Just like she'll never lose you.

Is that what you realized when you went home to visit your parents?

Actually, going home to my parents

made me realize what great parents Rayyan has.

Ah.

Amaar, I need your undivided attention.

Fatima, anything.

What would slow down someone's Internet connection?

Usually, full-screen video.

A movie download uses 100,000 bytes per second.

You are a good imam and a good geek.

Thanks.

Your father told me what happened, and he's sorry.

I am, I really am.

Then why did you do it?

I don't know. Everything was going according to plan,

but certain things you can't plan for.

Like getting stuck with a house you can't sell.

No, honey, like your daughter leaving.

Oh.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Say that you'll live in that house of lies.

That's not really a lie, as much as it is an omission.

Exactly. So, say you'll live in that house of omissions.

- But you planned to flip it. - It was never the plan.

I bought it for you.

Wow, the omissions are really piling up.

There's no rush anyway. We've got lots of time.

I don't know, 28 years went by pretty quickly.

Is something wrong?

It's taking forever to download one photo.

It's like 1997 in here, man.

Get used to it.

I am using your network to download the entire Police Academy movie series.

- Even the fifth one? - Miami Beach?

- Yes. - That's too harsh.

What can you do?

I'm gonna block you

and your whole meat-loving cafe with a password.

Good boy.

But can you wait a day?

I love the Police Academy movies.

- I left your computer in your office. - Got it, thanks.

I didn't realize you were such a big Police Academy fan.

Such well-meaning misfits.

Computer's a bit slow, I may have to call tech support.

Tech support? Ha!

Be prepared to wait five hours,

only to be told to turn the computer on and off.

I condemn tech support!

You see, it's so much better.

You're back.

You know what, Dad?

I think J.J. and I are gonna be really happy here.

Really, darling? That's wonderful.

Oh. Oh.

Uh, now that it's not a heritage site anymore, we can renovate.

While respecting Fred's sunlight.

He's going to think he's living on the ocean floor.

- Fred? - No, Yasir.

He's going to be Rayyan's neighbor. I don't want a big feud.

- Fine. - Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Fred Tupper's my neighbor?

- Yeah, that was another tiny omission. - Yasir.

Think big with renovation and start now.

- Do you want to go shop for drapes? - I do.

Oh.

What is...

Wow.