Original subtitles

Afternoon, sweetheart.

- Can I get a... - Western sandwich on rye.

You take awful good care of me, toots.

- How can I ever repay you? - You can start by paying me.

Tough, but fair.

Customer appreciation card from Tracy's Truck Stop?

What? Never seen it before.

- You signed the back. - Must be old.

- It's dated today. - Yeah, I'm lousy with dates.

What is that on your collar?

Wait, it's just, uh...

Lipstick.

I'd know that stain anywhere.

Cherry pie.

- You had cherry pie at Tracy's Truck Stop? - Fatima, I can explain.

After all of these years, you went to my competition?

It just happened, I was in the area. I was hungry, it didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean anything?

That is worse.

Okay, it meant a lot. Happy?

We're good, you know, just... Muslims, huh?

Oh, no.

Oh.

Guess whose birthday is coming up, soon-to-be-birthday girl?

I think you gave away the answer.

It is my favorite non-Muslim holiday of the year.

I'm oiling the bats for a big game.

Since I'm turning 16 this year,

I was wondering if we could do something a little different.

I could not agree more. It is time for a change. Let's get crazy.

- Really? - I was thinking

that instead of doing breakfast, cricket, movie,

that we do breakfast, movie, cricket! Bzzz.

Actually, I was thinking more of a party with my friends.

Can any of them bowl a googly?

You know, it's never really come up.

They don't have to come. It's your idea.

You know what? Why don't we just forget about the whole thing?

Hmm.

I don't wanna do anything this year.

Okay, I'll teach your friends how to play. But they have to bring their own bats.

Fatima, I, uh, bought you these.

You think cheap chocolates can make me forget?

No, no, no, no.

I thought expensive ones would.

Well...

Thank you.

You're a doll, toots. For what it's worth,

that Tracy's Truck stop can't brew a cup of joe like you.

Oh. So, you had to pie and coffee.

No... I, uh...

Try the chocolates.

- You never know what you're gonna get. - Unless you read the lid.

"Cherry filled." Are you mocking me?

- I'm still in the doghouse, aren't I? - The doghouse is too good for you.

Can you believe it's alreadyThursday?

- Yeah... - Thursday, Friday, birthdays,

why is everyone so obsessed with days?

You seem crankier than usual, if that's possible.

Layla's 16th birthday. You know what she wants to do instead of cricket?

Just about anything.

She wants her friends to come, friends from outside the home.

The most dangerous kind.

Layla is a teenager, Baber. You know what they're like.

No, I don't. That's the problem.

I have an idea.

When I turned 16, my parents threw me a surprise party.

That's not an idea. That's a memory.

No, she means you could throw one for Layla.

Oh, right.

But if it is to be a surprise, how will I know when she's coming?

I'll tell you what,

I will take Layla to the movies and bring her back in time for the party.

And what do I do?

Hang stuff around the house.

- Balloons, streamers... - Decorative prayer rugs!

I'll get my parents to help with that.

Wow, that is some sad grill.

- What? - You know, your grill,

your face?

It's my dad. Every year on my birthday, we do the same thing.

- Breakfast, play cricket. - Really?

- I bowl a tight googly. - We're not playing cricket.

The point is, I just wanted to have a few friends over

but that's not gonna happen.

Why don't I throw you a party?

- Really? You'd do that? - Totes.

That's short for "totally."

But my birthday's tomorrow. How will you pull that off?

Please, girl, welcome to the 21st century.

Right. Right, I know.

- Instant messaging, texting... - Hey, everyone!

Party at my house tomorrow, pass it on.

Fatima.

I was looking up your Islam on the ol' net there and...

What do you know? It's not all about stonings and beheadings.

You people actually believe in forgiveness.

Fred, you should have one of these Philly cheesesteaks, cheer you up.

Philly cheesesteak isn't on the menu, Fatima only makes those for me.

I thought I would do something special for Reverend Magee.

- He is faithful. - It was one little indiscretion.

Fatima, thanks for lunch, I should be going.

Not yet. I made you dessert.

- Homemade cherry pie? - Yes.

Fatima, I will not tolerate the Rev eating my favorite foods.

And I will not tolerate you coming into my cafe.

You are banned.

Well, just for that, I am not coming in here anymore.

- But if you're banned, then... - Yeah, yeah, I know.

Eat your pie there, Churchy.

A sweet 16 for Layla, what a nice idea.

Yeah, it sounds like Baber's being surprisingly, well, sweet.

Well, I told him that he should throw her a surprise party

like the one you guys threw me when I turned 16.

You showed up at the door in tears.

Because it was pitch black outside and Dad jumped out of the bushes.

Yeah, it works better indoors, lesson learned.

Well, anyway, I told Baber that you guys would help him set up the house.

- Why would you do that? - "Why?"

- Well, you're not doing anything. - I'm doing something.

- It's called "nothing." - Dad.

Dad, this is a chance to do something really nice.

Fine.

The first thing we'll need is a layout of Baber's front yard.

No!

Right, indoors. It just seems funnier the other way. I don't know why.

You see?

Magee.

Fred? What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you about your eating habits.

Oh. Really? Yeah, I know, I...

I have been enjoying myself too much lately at Fatima's.

Yeah, I've noticed.

Have you tried her new veal stew? Yowza.

Keep your filthy paws off her... stew.

Look, Magee, I like you.

I've never harbored any specific grudge against you.

So, consider this a warning.

About what?

If I catch you sniffing around the cafe again, there'll be consequences.

Negative consequences. Get me?

Layla.

I was just thinking, it's been forever since you and I had a girls' night out.

Have we ever had a girls' night out?

No. I was using "forever" literally.

So, how about a movie? There's one I've been dying to see.

Uh, which one?

Um, you know, the one with, um...

There's the guy, the girl, the adventure thing. So, yes?

Uh... Well, don't you want to go with J.J.?

Why, when I could go with you?

Why, when you can go with J.J.?

So, tomorrow night, then?

Uh-huh. Sure.

- Great. - Great.

Fatima.

Fred just came to see me.

Fred can see whomever he wants. It is none of my business.

He was acting very strangely.

Even for Fred.

What's all this?

I have gathered up all the things

Fred has forgotten in the cafe over the years.

- Giving them back? - No, I'm going to burn them.

Would you like to watch?

I see what's going on here.

You miss Fred.

- Where are my matches? - You used me to make Fred jealous.

I'm just a pawn in your sick, sick game.

Will this explode in a fire?

He brought aerosol cheese to the diner?

He liked it.

On his toast.

I have something in my eye.

So, Baber, what did you buy Layla for her birthday?

Present.

Subhanallah.

I've been so busy decorating, I did not even think about it.

Technically, we've done most of the decorating.

Don't panic. I've the perfect solution.

Every year of Rayyan's birthday, I write her a poem.

- Yes, or maybe a poem's not the way to go. - Nonsense. Rayyan, loves my poems.

I'll go home and get them.

Don't you think they're too personal to share? I think they are.

Angel, it's unfair to keep such treasures only to ourselves.

- Mmm-hmm. - To my archives.

Fatima's cafe.

Yes, I would like to order some honey glazed chicken wings.

For delivery.

To the building right next to the local radio station.

I know it is you, Fred.

Bad accent?

Call display.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Amaar.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

Aren't you supposed to be at the movies with Layla?

She just texted me, she's sick. I guess the party's off.

Uh...

She seems all right to me.

She wouldn't ditch me, would she?

Hey, what's going on?

Party for some chick called Layla.

Brother Baber, all your problems are solved. I have the poems.

Brother Yasir, praise Allah for your genius.

Um...

"Chickens go cluck,

"cows go moo,

"Rayyan, Rayyan,

"I love you."

Rayyan was five then.

- Oh. I see. - Uh...

Um, "Pigs go oink,

"but horses go neigh,

"Rayyan, Rayyan, don't go away."

Rayyan was six?

Nineteen, actually.

Oh, dear.

Um...

"Rayyan, I still remember the day you were born,

"your toes looked like beautiful kernels...

"Of corn."

Just so good.

- Isn't this an amazing party? - I don't know anyone here.

That's the point.

Hey, ladies!

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only "ten" I see.

- Do you want to dance? - I can't touch.

My dad would, uh...

- I'm Muslim. - What about you?

I'm Muslim, too.

Call me.

Oh, yeah. Looking good, looking good.

You know what? Throw some bacon bits on that bad boy, huh?

Oh, don't be shy.

All right, now. Show me the relish, baby. Bring it.

Oh. Give her. That's the ticket.

Perfect.

There you are, my friendly. Ooh.

Well...

Here we are again.

Me and pork.

Forbidden love.

You can't do it, can you?

I'm a hungry man with a hot dog.

- There's nothing wrong with this. - Come on, Fred.

- You don't want that hot dog. - What choice do I have?

I'm banned, Rev. You understand? Banned.

Of all the cafes and towns in the world, I had to walk into one that wasn't hers.

- Have you apologized? - Fred Tupper does not apologize.

No, wait, I did. It didn't work.

Well, you know what the old rule is.

If your first apology doesn't work, try a better, more public apology.

Say, on the radio?

I can't use the public airwaves to air my personal issues.

Fred, your whole show is one personal issue after another.

Yeah, good point.

Hi, have you seen Layla Siddiqui?

Depends, you guys narcs?

Uh...

Do we look like narcs?

You look like parents. Are you guys parents?

No. We're not even married.

Well, I'm engaged to someone else.

Don't worry. I won't tell anyone you were here... with him.

Uh... Hi, excuse me, have you seen Layla Siddiqui?

What is that?

The girl, whose party it is.

You guys are narcs.

Not cool.

That's not cool.

Maybe we should, um, split up. Look for Layla.

It's a good idea.

Okay.

- I must speak with you. - I know.

I know, too many balloons, but a girl only turns 16 once.

I do not know how to say this politely, so I won't.

- Your husband's poetry stinks. - I know.

You do?

Yeah, I've been listening to it for over 20 years.

Then why not put an end to this travesty?

It would be too painful for him.

And what about my pain?

- Oh. - Why are you motioning me to be quiet?

Is it hot in here? This is...

I got an opening stanza that's going to knock your socks off,

- Tony Danza. - Oh.

Sorry, I can't stop.

- No, you're on fire. - I can't even teach it.

That's the sad part.

Yasir, I've been thinking

that maybe I should write my own poem for Layla.

Nonsense. I've been experimenting with this new meter.

What do you think of this?

Okay.

"It's not just the way you skipped with your rope.

"Will my love ever wane for you?

"Nope.

"But now it's your birthday,

"hey, hey, hey,

"it's your birthday."

Oh. Yes, that is, um, that is very lovely

and, um, somewhat unexpected.

- And I must be going now. - Wait. One more.

- No, no, no more. - One more.

- I have five to choose from. - No more. I can't take it.

You do not make good poems

and even your wife thinks so.

Oh!

Fatima, turn on your radio.

Radio is dead to me.

But Fred has something very important to tell you.

Shut that radio off now!

Fatima.

The biggest regret of my life was walking into Tracy's Truck Stop.

But those wayward days are done.

So, what do you say, hmm?

I'm ready to commit fully to your cafe

and leave that garbage dump Tracy's Truck Stop behind.

And now these messages.

The Fred Tupper Show is brought to you

by Tracy's Truck Stop, the proud sponsor of Fred Tupper

for over 15 years.

Tracy's Truck Stop

What do you say, Fatima? Come on.

We are so dead. Baber is going to kill us.

Don't worry, we'll just explain to Baber that Layla gave you the slip and snuck off

to a drunken...

- You're right, we're dead. - This is what I'm saying.

Cheese doodles?

Doodles don't judge me.

Yasir, this is just all a huge misunderstanding.

So, you don't think my poetry stinks?

Okay, it's not that big a misunderstanding.

And Rayyan hates them, too?

No. Well, she didn't say so specifically using that word.

And I was just finishing this masterpiece for her wedding.

Obviously, that's a terrible idea.

No, no. Yasir, you have to write it.

- But you both hate my poetry. - But we love the poet.

For Rayyan your poems are about how much you love her.

Not about tortured metaphor

or awkward rhyme schemes or poorly crafted imagery.

- Really? - Yasir,

if you don't write that wedding poem, she'll be crushed.

- It's Hamoudi tradition. - Good, because the poem's almost done.

Do you think I can rhyme "toboggan" with "McLaughlin"?

Yasir.

Can you believe it?

Our daughter is getting married and Layla's turning 16.

- Where did the time go? - Oh.

Listening to you two, that's where the time is gone.

Layla will be here any minute.

- Someone's coming. - Ooh.

Surprise!

You threw me a surprise party?

Who else would it be for, sweetie? Happy birthday.

- I don't know what to say, I'm surprised. - Well, that's the whole point.

Baber, I have some really bad news.

- It's about... - Layla.

Rayyan, hi.

- Listen, I'm so sorry. - Sorry about what?

- It's all right. - What's all right?

- I'm just glad you're okay. - Why would she not be okay?

What's going on?

- Why am I so confused? - Dad, we need to talk.

What...

Jane threw me a party.

So, you lied to Rayyan and went there instead.

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't have any fun.

It helps, but were there any bo...

Boys? Beer? Yeah.

I was going to say boogeying, but that's much worse.

I couldn't do it.

I just wish I had stayed at home with you.

Layla.

You're a good girl.

I raised you well.

I'm grounded, aren't I?

Oh, you know it.

Hey, toots.

Fatima.

You, uh, happen to hear my show today?

Maybe.

So, we, uh... We good?

I'm not sure yet.

Any... any cheesesteak?

Yes.

Oh. Philly cheesesteak?

Half a Philly cheese steak and a bowl of lentil soup.

- What? - Your cholesterol is too high.

Fatima, could I get a Philly cheesesteak?

I'm sorry, it's not on the menu.

Everybody, come, sit down. Sit, sit.

I have a special poem for Layla that I wrote all by myself.

"Layla, your birthday used to be about you and me spending time together.

"Now I share you with friends,

"who wear indecent clothes even in cold weather.

"But I understand that your life is not always going to be about me,

"but know that I love you so very, very much,

"I will give you my left kidney."

"As you grow up, my heart feels a twirl,

"but you'll always be my sweet little girl."

Oh.

Not bad, not bad at all.