Original subtitles

Sure. Let me buy you an ice cream.

Oh, Joe, I almost didn't see you there. Ooh!

- How do you mean? - Camouflage.

But this is for the woods. I'm indoors.

- He has a point, you know. - Yeah, I... never mind.

What's with the, um, getup?

Sorry, can't tell you. It's a secret society.

Is the secret society the Prairie Dog Lodge?

- How did you know? - Your jacket tipped us off.

Oh, yeah. As long as the secret's out, we're always looking for new members.

Muslims do not believe in hunting for sport.

Well, number one, there's lots of other stuff we do,

and "B," I was talking to Yasir.

That's very nice of you, Joe, but it's simply not for me.

- Thank you. - Yeah. I hear ya.

Used to be a place I could go to take my mind off work.

Now I can't walk into a room without hearing,

"Hey, have I got a contract for you this."

- Or, "What a great place to network that." - He already said, "No."

No need to keep unselling him.

No, no, no, no. Continue unselling, please.

- Yes. - But, but...

So, I was thinking of going to the movies later.

- You and J.J. want to tag along? - I can't, but thanks.

Mom and I are having a mother-daughter night.

Hmm. Mother-daughter night.

You guys gonna get together and have mani-pedis?

- No. Do you even know what a mani-pedi is? - Actually, no. I was just bluffing.

Nice. Oh, we just felt with all of the wedding planning,

we needed some more unstructured time together.

Ah. Chalk one up for my family unity sermon.

No, we thought about it while watching... Yes, yes, your family unity sermon.

Look, I've got the whole evening planned out.

Hmm. Thirty minutes discussing current events.

Sixty minutes TV, ten minutes snack time.

I thought you guys were having "unstructured" time together.

Oh, yeah, I scheduled that in, too.

Ah. Unstructured time.

Twelve minutes. I stand corrected.

- It's really going to be fun. - Yeah, sounds it.

So, this is the Prairie Dog Lodge?

Yep. Soon you'll be calling it your second home.

Or, in Leon's case, home.

Marital problems.

Well, I'm not a member yet.

The big dog still has to approve me, no?

Oh, shouldn't be a problem.

Well, this is a problem.

What are you thinking?

We've never allowed his kind in here before.

- What, a contractor? - Muslims.

I don't trust them.

Why are you whispering?

You say the same thing on the radio every day.

But this is in private. I don't want to seem ignorant.

You might want to scooch over.

What? Ugh! Crumbs! My fez!

I thought we were gonna fix this... roof.

We were, but none of the lodge members are handy.

Too bad, because a lot of repairs go undone around here.

Wait a minute. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, hmm?

Yeah, I like that robe on Leon.

Idiot.

So, Yasir, welcome to the Prairie Dog Lodge.

Now, let's get you set up with your ceremonial sash and hammer.

- Hammer? - Ceremonial hammer.

Oh.

So, dad joined a lodge?

Yeah, something about business connections. I think it's cute.

- What's cute about it? - I don't know.

I picture a bunch of men sitting around reading comic books, eating s'mores.

Mom, it's a lodge, not a tree house.

You're right. I don't really want to know what goes on in there.

Oh, our show's coming on.

Okay, then we have to finish discussing current events because we started late.

- Love our unstructured evenings together. - Me, too.

Brother Amaar. Thank goodness I found you.

Actually, I was just getting ready to go to a movie.

Good.

You must do something about Yasir. He's joined the Pagan Prairie Dogs.

Oh, yes, I heard. It's cute.

Cute? Do you want Amaar to lose his congregation?

- I don't see the connection. - Oh, it is a slippery slope.

Those people have their own customs and values.

- Those people? - Mm-hmm.

Baber, I'm surprised at you. It makes you sound like...

Those people.

If you allow this to continue, Yasir will have deer heads on our walls

and the entire congregation wearing plaid chemises.

Baber, I don't think the guys call them chemises.

Do you even know what goes on in those lodges?

- No. Do you? - No.

They did not ask me to join.

Well, Baber, I think Yasir can put in a good word for you.

Uh, just so you can check up on the pagan badness, of course.

And give those jerks another chance to snub me? Never.

See, now I'm going to be late.

- You're watching Stranded. Grand Canyon Crocodile Adventure. - You're watching Stranded. Grand Canyon Crocodile Adventure.

We'll be right back.

- What a great show. - I know.

Oh.

- Hey, let me ask you something. - Uh-huh.

If you had a chance to go on one of these big race shows,

who would your partner be, hypothetically?

- Oh, that's easy, Reverend Magee. - Really?

- Why Reverend Magee? - Well, he's not a Muslim,

so he probably just sails through the airport.

That's true.

Is there anyone else? A woman, perhaps?

Well, the mayor isn't exactly into roughing it.

- A Muslim woman? - Fatima?

Me! You wouldn't choose me?

Oh, I didn't realize that you were one of my options.

- So you would? - No.

Why not?

Well, Rayyan, everybody on that show always ends up screaming at each other,

and I just hate to put that strain on us.

The mother-daughter team never screams, and they're in first place.

For now. But my money's still on the gay couple.

So, you wouldn't choose me to be your partner, even hypothetically?

Fine. Hypothetically, I'll be your partner.

Thank you.

- What if it were real? - No, I just don't see it.

Your toilet is flushing,

your roof is not leaking, and your gopher lamp is fixed.

- What was wrong with it? - The bulb was out.

That's the last thing you'd think of.

That's no gopher, my friend.

That happens to be a pine rendering of our lodge mascot.

Prairie dog Paul.

To Prairie dog Paul.

How can you tell him from other prairie dogs?

Oh, well, he's got that light tuft of hair on his head,

The faux hawk of destiny.

I wish you'd quit calling it that.

He's our hero, Yas. Our guardian.

And it sits proudly atop the lodge's Paul of Fame.

- Don't you mean "wall of fame?" - I know what I mean.

One day, maybe, just maybe, you too might find yourself...

On the Paul.

- A man can dream. - Mm-hmm.

Well, you know what I like to say. Less working, more networking.

And she wouldn't pick me to be her partner.

- That's fantastic. - What?

Your mom must've beat a million people for a spot on Stranded.

It's a very popular show.

- No... - She could become a celebrity.

- It happens. - No, J.J.

We're not going on the show. It's hypothetical.

- Oh. So, what's the problem? - It's the principle of the thing.

She wouldn't pick me, her own daughter, to be her partner.

Hmm.

- What was that? - What was what?

That "hmm?"

You wouldn't pick me either?

Well, you wouldn't need me, right? You'd pick your own routes.

You take charge, insist on certain strategies.

- You'd be fine. - So, what are you saying?

- That I'm bossy? - No. No. Uh...

Just fussy.

No, not fussy. Fastidious.

Organized? Bossy covers a lot.

- Guys. Hey, help me out here. - What's up?

Well, Rayyan's upset because, uh, her mother wouldn't pick her

as a partner on Stranded.

Of course not. She is very, very bossy.

- What? - No. No.

You just like being in control of everything.

- All the time. - That's bossy.

Now, let us stop focusing on Rayyan's shortcomings

and think about the show. Send your mother my way.

I'll be the key to her success.

She's not going on the show. It's hypothetical.

Then what is the point of this conversation?

Go. Go.

- What are we playing? - Texas hold 'em, my friend.

- Buy-in is 50 bucks. - Oh.

We're not supposed to gamble.

- Want a beer? - We're not supposed to drink.

- Pork sausage, bacon flavored? - Hmm.

Any other odd jobs I can do?

Well, yeah, there's a bucket in the back room.

Why don't you grab that and stay close to Leon, hmm?

- What for? - When it happens, you'll know.

Let's play poker, fellas.

So, I'm bossy. That's why you wouldn't pick me to be your partner?

We still get to go dress shopping, right?

I don't understand. Why wouldn't you just tell me?

- I thought you knew. - How would I know?

Well, you're a doctor.

You need things done a certain way. Your way. All the time.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

No. No, this is for the best.

Now that I know I'm bossy, I can change.

From now on, no more bossy Rayyan.

- Well, that's a wonderful attitude. - Yeah, and here's how I'm going to do it.

First, I'll let you drive us to the bridal shop.

Then, if I like anything, you can choose the order that I try them on in.

After that, we'll swing by Fatima's,

so you can tell everyone how un-bossy I was.

Ah.

Much better.

Is that a hunting jacket?

- Membership has its privileges. - You see what is happening?

- This is un-Islamic. - Baber.

There is nothing un-Islamic about wearing a hunting jacket.

As long as you do not hunt.

You're not hunting, right?

- Of course not. - There you go.

How can you not see that Yasir is falling in with the wrong crowd?

Please, nothing goes on there but good-natured drinking and gambling.

Not by me.

- Then what do you do? - Well, yesterday I fixed some wiring.

Then I got to unclog some drains in the basement.

Yasir, it sounds like they're using you to fix up the lodge.

Nonsense! Don't you see I'm using them?

For business contacts.

And what sort of business contacts have you made?

Well, there's Tim, who's retired.

And there's Gus, also retired.

Pete has a great job, but he's on disability.

Sounds like a regular border trade down there.

- You don't understand. - We do.

You only want to hang out with the cool kids

because you want to feel accepted.

Baber, this is not high school.

Yas, buddy! Over here, come on!

- Out of the booth, it's ours. Let's go. - C'mon pal!

I'll share my fries with you, huh?

I'm sorry, guys. I got to go.

Did Yasir just ditch us for Fred and Joe?

You're being silly.

I told you. Wrong crowd.

- Oh, I loved it. - Great.

Do you always drive this slow?

I like this speed, thanks.

Right, sorry. Forget I said that.

You're the one driving. I'm the one not being bossy.

Just for fun, though, could we take Oak instead of Main? It's faster.

No, I like Main Street. It makes for better people watching.

Why is that man wearing a bathrobe?

Tell you what. If you promise to speed it up a little bit,

- we could take Main the next two lights. - Okay, that's it.

- Mom, what are you doing? - I'm kidnapping you.

If you want to stop being bossy, you need to learn to be a passenger.

Done. I'm a quick study. Can we go to the bridal store now, please?

Rayyan, sometimes it's about the journey and not the destination.

Are you with me or not?

- Okay, let's do it. - That's my girl. It's "go" time.

Just... waiting... for... Dorothy.

Okay, let's go.

Fred, I've been doing some thinking.

I joined this lodge for my own selfish reasons.

So perhaps, I deserved what I got.

- Yasir... - But, sorry, I have other friends.

Who care about me outside this lodge.

And so, I know you'll understand

when I say I cannot stay and be your fix-it man.

Yas, wait, wait, wait. Now look, uh...

Me and Joe...

Well, all the guys were talking, and we feel terrible about making you do

all the stuff around the lodge and the way we treated you so badly.

- You do? - Yeah.

And now that I've gotten to know you,

as far as I'm concerned, you're good people.

Well, gosh, darn it, Yas, we want you to stay.

- We made you something. - What?

Ah!

- That's you, mister? - Yeah.

You are going up on the Paul of Fame.

- That's why you took my picture yesterday? - Yeah.

Sorry, Dad.

On the Paul. I'm on the Paul!

You're one of us now, pal.

I am proud to call you brother.

To seal the camaraderie, I want you to get rid of that toolbox.

- Yeah. - And pick up a gun.

- A gun? - We're going hunting!

Yay!

Muslims don't have any rules about hunting?

It's... It's just a guideline, really.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum, Amaar. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

Looks like you found pants to match the jacket.

- Okay, I'm going hunting. - Yasir, I defended you to Baber all week.

- I know you have. - You know the Islamic position on hunting.

- Of course. - The Prophet, peace be upon him, said,

"One who kills even a sparrow, or anything smaller

"without justifiable reason, shall be answerable to God."

Uh, but we are going hunting for deer.

Big game. Big, big game.

What about if we were to eat the thing?

- Would that make it okay? - You eat deer meat?

Venison, delicious.

It's the other white meat. Or red meat.

Okay. I don't eat deer, but there must be some other loophole.

- No. - Self-defense.

Deer can be very aggressive.

You've seen Bambi.

Why do you even want to hang out with these guys?

The truth is, I've never been a member of a club.

It makes me feel part of something bigger.

- Islam is a billion strong. - I know.

But with these guys, I know all their names.

- Yasir... - Amaar, they're just nice men.

Is there anything wrong with wanting to spend

a little time with some nice people who like you,

no matter what their hobbies happen to be, hmm?

Would it be okay if I ask where we're going now?

Honey, you lasted a whole hour. That's fantastic!

Thanks.

I'm taking you to this neat little bridal shop that I saw in Odena.

Any reason why we're taking this crummy road instead of the main one?

This is a shortcut.

It's all about taking the road less traveled.

Well, on the bright side,

now we know why this is the road less traveled.

Well, she's all hitched up.

My garage's about a mile down the road in Odena.

- I hope that's okay. - Oh, it's perfect.

You see, everything worked out.

Oh, ladies!

Ladies, I'm going to have to ask you to ride in the car.

- Why? - Well, that's my partner, Rocco,

he's a little touchy about strangers in the cab.

Rocco?

Well, can't the dog ride in the car?

Look, there's no way that's going to fly.

See? You got his back up already.

Mom, it's just a mile. This time it's about the destination.

Would you relax? I am in control.

Wow. I didn't think he'd call my bluff.

Glad I'm not in control.

This is just like Stranded, you and me, stuck in the middle of nowhere.

The bridal shop is like our checkpoint.

It's a chance for us to prove we'd make great partners.

Or die of exposure.

I like my idea better.

Guys, is there any chance that we'll actually get to eat what we kill?

You nuts? Farming pesticides get into the river.

Deer drink from the river. Eating one would be a death wish.

Oh. Well...

Hunting isn't the most important thing, is it?

The most important thing is spending...

Fan out, men!

Who is that? I have a gun, you know.

I'm certain I know how to use it.

Don't shoot!

As-Salaam-Alaikum. What are you doing here?

Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.

We want to stop you from making a mistake.

It's okay. I've got a whole plan worked out.

When it's time to shoot, I'll aim at the ground.

I won't hit a thing. Look, I'll show you. It's very easy.

Um...

I don't believe the ground makes that noise when you shoot it.

Oh, my.

- Oh, look, a strawberry stand. - Are you sure it's not a mirage?

I told you everything would work out.

- Work out? - Well, look, we found strawberries.

That's not the point.

Mom, did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason I'm so bossy

is because I always have to be the mom?

Oh, you do not.

I stopped for one day and look what happens.

Unless there's a patch of wedding dresses in the strawberries,

this day's been a waste.

I sell wedding dresses.

Okay, this woman's definitely a mirage.

No, really. I have a bridal shop in Odena.

Oh, do you think you can give us a lift?

Oh, let me guess. They towed your car and Rocco wouldn't let you in the truck.

What is wrong with him? He's so rude.

Yeah, he's been that way ever since he got neutered.

- Oh, the dog. - Oh.

I can't believe we bought all this stuff and no wedding dress.

The important thing is you managed to not take charge,

even when you probably should have.

I would make you my Stranded partner in a second.

Probably come in last.

Dead last, but we'd have a great time.

Hey, ladies. Afraid this job's gonna be pretty expensive.

Yeah, but they're just tires.

Well, they are and they aren't.

You see, there's these round spherical metal discs that fit on top of tires.

You mean hubcaps?

I do and I don't.

Is there any way you can use your bossy powers for good?

No problem.

First you take our car, then you leave us stranded.

It's a lot easier to take this when it's to someone else.

Thanks. Four hours of walking says you're paying me.

I didn't mean to kill it. I don't even know what it is.

It was an accident. I'm sure you're in the clear.

Hamoudi, you bonehead. That's a prairie dog.

We're not supposed to hunt those?

So, maybe not in the clear.

Oh, my God, the faux hawk of destiny.

You didn't just kill a prairie dog. You killed Paul.

Well, at least we know what his destiny was.

So, definitely not in the clear.

Murderer.

Strip him of his Prairie Dog jacket.

Strip him of his ceremonial sash.

I never got the sash.

- Any last words? - Yes, actually.

I stuck up for you guys.

I called you my friends

when other people said you were bad and running you down.

What do you have to say about that?

Well, sorry, Yas, you know, but, uh, well...

Number one, shooting Prairie dog Paul. That was just plain unforgivable.

And B.

Well, to be honest, we're really just jerks.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Duly noted. Take care.

I wanted you to have this.

You keep it.

Don't worry, Yasir. You didn't look that good in camouflage anyway.

Forget about those guys.

We should start our own lodge. One without hunting, gambling or drinking.

Just a place we can be together in the presence of God?

Isn't that the mosque?

Yeah, but we'll have cool jackets made up.

Oh, I am in.