Original subtitles

Did I miss breakfast?

- I just switched over to lunch. - Can I have breakfast, anyway?

No. If I start serving breakfast at lunchtime, it could lead to...

- Brunch. - Fine.

I will get you a breakfast menu.

Thank you.

Missed brekkie, huh?

Got to sleep in?

- No, I just had to go pray. - Oh, pray time, right?

Yeah. Pray time instead of playtime.

Yep.

- Guilty as charged. - Five times a day.

Like clockwork. Certainly keeps you types busy.

- It's an important part of our faith. - Can't eat pork, no booze.

Sure got a lot of rules.

Well, they're not rules as much as...

You got to wear that babushka thing on your noggin there, another one.

- Hijab. - Call it whatever you want.

You still got to wear it, right?

I don't know how you keep your hijabs from your jihads.

- Hey, am I missing anything? - Yes. You missed me missing breakfast.

Yeah, Rayyan and were just talking

about all the rules you people gotta go through.

Yeah, it's terrible. Like we have to pray five times a day,

and I have to wear a babushka apparently.

Yeah, not to mention we've got to brush our teeth three times a day.

And we have to drink eight glasses of water.

- That's true. - Those are Muslim rules, too?

Yeah, that's right, Fred. We've got to brush our teeth facing Mecca.

- Really? - And we have to eat

five to nine pieces of fruit a day.

Facing Damascus.

Well, you learn something new every day, huh?

Anyhoo, have a good one, huh?

Damascus?

- You don't think he believed us, do you? - No.

Everyone has to eat five to nine pieces of fruit a day.

That's what it says in the book.

The Canada Food Guide.

- As-Salaam-Alaikum. - Wa-Alaikum-Salaam, brother.

- What's up? - Just working. Busy.

You know, time is money.

If that were true I'd be rich, but I'm not.

No, sir.

I see. Well, don't let me keep you.

It's okay. I was just headed to the post office

to mail some things before the postage goes up.

Two cents per item.

That's, um, really interesting.

Every little bit counts.

The imam business is not a lucrative one.

- It's like no business I know. - Isn't that show business?

I don't know show business.

Just a shot in the dark, but, um, are you short on cash?

- Perpetually. - I don't have much on me, but I...

Yasir, you're a good friend to say that, but I don't want a loan.

- I want to vent. - Oh.

Yeah. Vent, venting.

- Because I'd rather give you a loan. - Not necessary.

You know, what bugs me about being short on cash

is that it distracts me from spiritual matters.

I was walking by the town hall yesterday

and then I noticed a really interesting thing about Mercy

I'd actually never noticed.

- So, stocking up on fruit, huh? - Yep.

Taking the old Muslim fruit train to vitamin station.

Fred, you know the things we said before are not real rules, right?

We were just joking.

- Sure. I knew you were just joking. - Good.

Just like you guys don't have secret rules you don't want us to find out.

And when those real rules do slip out, you guys wouldn't say

you were joking, to try to make me look stupid.

- Nobody's trying to make you look stupid. - It's just sort of happening.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Anyhoo, you better pick up some gooseberries

before some other Muslims grab them all.

- Oh, no gooseberries. - What?

What's the matter? They forbidden?

Yes, gooseberries are forbidden.

If it were raining, we could have them.

But we can't have them now because it's not raining.

Until we're married.

Yes, at which point we could have them unless it were raining.

And then we eat raisins.

- Yes. - Oh.

Interesting. I knew guys had some wacky rituals.

But I tell you, I had no idea.

Fred. It's a joke.

Right.

You sound like you don't believe us, do you?

Maybe I just sound that way because I'm joking, huh?

- Are you? - More gooseberries for me.

Suckers.

- Guy took my gooseberries. - Good riddance.

I don't like gooseberries.

I wasted the whole day today.

I'm sorry to hear that, darling.

Amaar was in my office all day complaining about money.

- He doesn't make any money. - That was the complaint.

Complain, complain. I couldn't get a thing done.

- Can't imagine what that must be like. - And here's the worst thing.

He didn't want any advice. No, he just wanted to complain.

- Well, you know what you need to do... - I couldn't get a word in.

It was terrible.

Do you want advice or you're just complaining?

I was hoping to just complain.

If he needs money, why don't you give him a job?

Yeah. Good one, Mom.

No, that's funny. You always know what to say to lighten the mood.

I was being serious. He could do construction.

Classic. Oh.

You know why that's funny, because she plays it small.

You are joking, right, Mom?

He's short on cash

and you're short-staffed on that deck you're building, so...

I don't know if Amaar has what we contractors call "it."

He's building a deck. He's not becoming an astronaut.

Anyone can do it.

- Hey, that's what I do for a living. - And you do it very well.

Well, I just don't think it's a good idea.

- He'll probably work for cheap. - Then again, I might give him a chance.

He could have what it takes be a carpenter.

Well, his sermons are certainly wooden.

She played it big that time and it didn't work.

Yeah.

- Just come on, please. - No, I have been too lenient,

too many times. It is 11:00.

My stomach doesn't care what time it is. It wants pancakes.

There are three meals in a day and brunch is not one of them.

- You're being unreasonable. - I do not believe in brunch!

Whoa. Hi.

No brunch for you folks, either, huh? The list goes on.

- We have to do something about Fred. - Why? What happened?

Hmm.

- I told him I don't eat gooseberries. - You don't.

See, we might have given Fred

the wrong impression about some of the rules of Islam.

He might think we eat five to nine fruits a day.

That's not such a bad rule.

And we brush our teeth...

- I hope you brush your teeth. - ...Facing Mecca.

Okay, that one's a little bit weird.

You can't engage Fred when he's being paranoid.

It's better just to let this sort itself out.

Better how? This way he just goes on the radio

and says bad things about Muslims all the time.

- Okay, not better, just easier. - Yeah.

Look, I know I'm not from here,

but maybe that gives me a perspective on things that you two lack.

Yes, the wrong perspective.

- Bad, bad perspective. - I'll go talk to him.

You'll regret it.

- Out of towners. - Tell me about it.

I don't know. A carpenter?

I don't think it's really for me. I'm a spiritual leader.

I can think of an example of a very famous man who was a carpenter

- even though he had a higher calling. - Jesus?

I was going to say Harrison Ford, but both work.

Well, thanks, Yasir, but you don't have to worry.

I'm a master of saving money.

For instance, did you know that a single teabag can last two days?

Huh.

- Is this oleo? - Yep.

I thought they stopped making it after World War II.

Sure, but it has amazing shelf life.

- Why don't you just buy some butter? - Do I look like a millionaire?

Yasir, thanks for the offer.

But as you can see, I am doing fine.

- I can pay you in advance. - Three "A's" in Amaar.

What you're saying is, Muslims can't wear gloves.

- That's not what I said. - And you gotta wear your socks inside out

- every day at 2:00. - No.

That's weird. It does make sense in some ways.

That's not what I said at all.

Those are examples of crazy rules

that I could make up as a joke.

What's the matter? Can't keep your lies straight, J.J.?

J Squared. The J's so nice they named him twice.

If that's your real name.

It's not, actually, it's Jenae Jaffer.

Shiftier and shiftier.

You're not pulling the wool over my eyes, buddy boy.

Wait a minute. Why am I leaving? This is my booth.

Beat it.

Now, these clients, the Wispinskis... Very difficult people.

They want their deck built just right.

Of course. It's their home.

Yes, but they have no idea what goes into the construction of a deck.

I've redone the plans three times.

Everybody's an expert.

By the way, I'm an expert.

I got the Carpentry for Dummies book.

Amaar, construction isn't something you learn from a book.

You learn by doing.

Ah. I knew that because it said so in the book.

- Hamoudi. - Here come the clients.

Okay? I'll head to work.

No wait. I haven't shown you how to... Mr. and Mrs. Wispinski.

What a surprise to see you here.

We live here.

Your arrival was a surprise because you walk quietly.

We are appalled by the state of that deck.

Well, appalled...

Might be a little strong... We are appalled.

When we came to you, we thought we were getting the best in town.

Well, it is a small town.

And yet, after all these weeks, I don't have a place to put my barbecue.

My husband doesn't have a place to put his barbecue.

- You have two barbecues? - Don't judge us.

Look, I understand your frustration,

and that is why I've hired additional staff.

I'm okay.

That's your additional staff?

Very eager, isn't he?

No problem.

Getting it done.

Can I get a little help here?

Okay.

You were right.

- It was better to let it be. - Let what be?

Fred has got some misunderstandings about Islam.

You are just realizing that now?

Oh, these are new misunderstandings.

We were telling some jokes and Fred took it the wrong way.

You were making jokes about Islam?

No. No. Not about Islam.

These were just jokes.

- Hey, funny's funny, right? - No, funny is not funny.

I think by definition it is.

It is important that infidels understand our faith.

We sit them down, we explain to them,

ours is the one true way and what they believe is wrong.

And does that work?

No. Usually they get very mad for some reason.

Baber. Believe me, Rayyan's right.

When it comes to Fred, it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

This thing's going to go away by itself.

Well, listen up, sports fans,

now we all know that your Muslims control the world's oil

and want to do the rest of us in.

But it gets worse.

You see, we'd always hoped that underneath all of our differences,

we shared a few essential sayings.

We all put our socks on one at a time

or brushed our teeth the same way.

But yours truly has discovered some troubling Muslim rules

that make it clear that our sames are more different than our differences ever were.

From a hatred of brunch to an unnatural love of fruit...

What is it with your Muslims and fiber?

Makes them more explosive, I guess.

Anyway, guard your berries, folks,

and hang on to your honeydews with both hands.

Because your Muslim menace is out there and they are hungry.

It's just Fred, right?

No one's gonna listen to Fred, right?

Don't even think about it.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Amaar is terrible at construction.

He's actually set our schedule back a week.

Well, it's no help saying he's terrible.

Give him some specific, useful criticism.

Now, what's he bad at?

- Anything involving wood. - Mmm-hmm.

And nails and concrete and other construction materials.

- Okay, well... - And the tools involved in construction

and the methods involved in the transport of construction materials.

- Well, maybe... - And the methods involved

in the transport of tools used in dealing with construction materials.

Does he have any strengths?

He's good at first aid.

This is bad.

Maybe they're all whispering about something else

and staring at people just behind us.

Of course. How is the weather in your fantasy world, hmm?

- Joe. - You got a lot of nerve.

- I do. - Yeah. Hoarding all our fruit.

I'll tell you something. My dad was a cherry farmer,

and life was no bowl of cherries.

- In fact, it was... - The pits?

Yeah. Pretty clever.

I'm still mad at you.

I will not have Fred Tupper telling ridiculous lies about us.

I'm not allowed to eat gooseberries? I love gooseberries.

Really? They're so tart.

I know what you must do.

I'm not going to like this, am I?

I'm sorry about your hand, but accidents happen, right?

Yes. Well, we need to talk.

And again, It's a good thing I knew first aid.

Amaar, I'm under some pressure here...

Okay. Hold that thought.

I want to show you something.

Now Frank's doing the deck, but look... Ta-da!

- I did the stairs. - Amaar, well done.

I'm impressed.

You said I couldn't learn construction from a book.

Obviously, I was wrong.

Is it up to code? What kind of screws did you use?

I didn't use any.

- What? - The wood is so beautiful

I didn't want to put holes in it, so I used glue.

- Glue? - Wood glue. I'm not an idiot.

Why, is there a problem?

Depends.

Maybe.

So, I think our conversation may have left you

with some misconceptions about Islam.

Really? I knew it. You don't have to wear that thing on your head.

No, that one's real.

Stop this nonsense about brushing your teeth and eating fruit.

You have been led astray.

- What do you mean? - We may have misspoke.

Okay. There may have been a misunderstanding.

- Mmm-hmm. - Okay? We were joking.

You see, it has all been a mistake.

And I promise you she is very sorry.

No, no.

- I didn't get out of bed yesterday. - You didn't?

Or off the boat. However that goes.

Nice try, toots. But you got to get it pretty early to... be up earlier than me.

Look, if you don't believe me, just go online, type in "Muslim."

You won't find anything about socks or teeth or gloves.

By typing the word "Muslim,"

what I'll find is my name on a government watch list.

Okay, this is getting out of hand.

A woman at the store today called me a glove hater.

Fred's really got ahold of something this time.

After all the things he said, you'd think the little things

wouldn't bother people so much.

Oh, people take the little things seriously. The little things count.

That's why they say, "Sweat the small stuff."

No, they say, "Don't sweat the small stuff."

I left out one little word, darling, don't sweat it.

This is all my fault.

If I hadn't wound Fred up, he wouldn't be saying these things.

I misrepresented my faith.

I have to set this right, but how do I do that?

- Talk to him. - I tried that.

It just made things worse. I even took Baber with me.

- Well, that's your trouble. - What?

Well, Baber is a guy who no one listens to.

Fred is a guy who doesn't listen to anyone.

I thought those two things would cancel each other out.

No, it'll all blow over, darling.

It's true. People are smart.

No matter how many lies Fred tells, eventually, the truth will win out.

Maybe you're right.

Thanks, guys.

Truth and honesty. Always good.

Can you help me think of a way to trick Amaar into quitting?

- Yasir. Sorry I'm late. - Are you late?

Well, it's almost noon.

So it is. We've gotten so much done with so little injury.

I would've been here sooner, but I thought you were picking me up.

Oh.

I must have forgot. It's completely my fault.

That's strange because I got a message from you telling me to keep waiting.

Well, that must be an old message.

My cell phone's been acting strangely, accidents can happen.

- There's been another accident. - No, no, it's all fine.

Anyway, where do you want me? Because I don't want to waste time.

Of course. Lunch!

Let's go to Fatima's. I'll drive.

- As long as you promise to bring me back. - Ah, ah, ah. Hamoudi.

Excuse me. Hello, my friends. Careful.

Yeah. Well, we've been doing some soul searching.

Ah, excellent. It's always in the last place you look.

You know, we appreciate all the work you've done.

Up to this point.

Excellent. If there's no "but" in that sentence, I'll get back to work.

But we're moving in another direction with the deck.

- You're not changing the plans again. - No, we're keeping the plans.

- Good. - We're changing the contractor.

Oh.

Raisins, for crying in the sink, and that's when it rains.

If you hear what they do on a clear day, you'll never eat ice cream again.

Sarah, I was listening to Fred's show.

I know, he's crazy.

He really is. Certifiable. A wacko.

What's this?

Our new ad-campaign.

We have a new ad-campaign? Why wouldn't you tell me?

I wanted to surprise you.

I haven't always supported your Muslim ways.

But things have gotten out of hand, and I will not let people badmouth you.

Wow. Thank you, I think.

So you can't wear gloves.

And you can only eat raisins on a rainy day.

And during a full moon, you believe a half-man, half-wolf

- is gonna steal your children. - Okay, that's new.

No matter what you believe, we have all got to get along.

And I think the best way to stem these anti-Muslim thoughts

is to head them off at the pass.

- So... - Oh, boy.

Brushing apart, smiling together.

What do you think?

I think this is out of control.

My friends, we have a contract.

A contract, yes. A deck not so much.

Excuse me.

If I may, Mr. and Mrs. Wispinski.

Hi. Of course this deck is important to you.

It's part of your home. It's for your family.

Please don't tell us how to use our deck.

My point is you've made a lot of last-minute changes

and Yasir's had to roll with that.

I'm not going to apologize for wanting the deck that I want.

- Good for you, honey. - Shut up, George.

Yasir has shown flexibility on his side of the bargain.

Maybe you could do the same?

No.

Well, if you terminate now, Mr. Hamoudi could argue

that you violated the agreement when you changed the construction plans.

You forfeit any rights to further work on the deck,

but you still would have to pay for it in full, that's Blackletter law.

You know, maybe this guy is... You better keep talking.

I'm sure we can all agree on a reasonable cooling-off period

and then Yasir can redouble his efforts to complete the construction.

- Yasir. - Yeah, certainly.

I can finish this deck in two days.

- Yasir. - Three days.

If not, we revisit the question of who's at fault.

All right, that seems reasonable.

You are lucky to have this guy on your crew. Talks like a lawyer.

- I am a lawyer. - Good one.

He plays it small.

Yeah, okay, that's enough, George. Come on.

A cover up, people. That's what it is.

For the last few days, yours truly

has been repeatedly cornered by members of your so-called Muslim community.

The message? Keep my mouth shut.

Think before I speak.

That's not Freddy Tupper's way.

Nope, you can take this microphone from me

when you pry it from my cold dead fingers

or when we go into sports at six.

Darling, I wanted to hear the sports at 6:00.

What are we going to do?

Listen, people are smart. They will see right through this.

Yeah, tried that.

- Have you tried talking to him? - Several times. That doesn't work.

It only makes things worse.

- I'll go and see him. - Are you sure?

I'm on a roll. I just talked Yasir's crazy clients down.

He was amazing.

- He got me four extra days to finish. - Three.

That's what I said.

So what are you gonna do?

You know what? We just have to connect with Fred on his level.

"Islam For Dummies"?

I love these books. I based my entire life on these books.

That's not surprising.

Now, I challenge you to find something in there

that talks about socks or brushing your teeth

or whatever it is you think you might have heard.

I might have been a little quick to jump to conclusions there.

Multiple times, yeah.

You've changed, Amaar.

You used to be too slick for your own good.

But now you're kind of folksy.

Oh, I've been getting my hands a little dirty,

doing a little... Carpentry.

Oh. Hey, in my culture,

there's a great man that's revered by everyone who started out a carpenter.

I know.

Harrison Ford.

Yeah, love that guy.

Yeah, he's good.