Original subtitles

What is the difference between the fancy samosa and the everyday samosa?

Taste and see.

Mmm. Yes, I see.

The fancy samosa is totally devoid of flavor.

- Pass the ketchup. - Ketchup?

If you want to deface my samosas,

- you will have to pay for it. - Since when?

Ten cents for a packet of ketchup! That's highway robbery.

Nice. Your mom made those signs just for my dad?

I think they're getting worse, if that's possible.

What do you think it is?

Loneliness.

- My dad is not lonely. Look at him. - Not in here, Baber.

Well, that is why I carry my own emergency ketchup.

He needs someplace where he can meet people.

Box social, church picnic,

- spring cotillion. - Ah.

So, Internet?

Yeah.

- Have some. - You must be crazy.

Though to some outside our faith, Islam may seem complicated,

the essential teachings are simple.

Be good to people.

Be good to yourself.

And give back to society.

Amaar, you made me believe in the goodness of people.

I'm not just saying that this time.

- This time? - Or ever.

Yeah, Amaar, I've got to say, you really got your groove back.

Dare I say,

- even groovier. - Jazakallah.

But do you really believe that Islam is so simple?

Yasir, If there's one thing I know, it's deep down, people are basically...

- Someone stole my shoes. - What?

My shoes.

The shoes I wore to Mecca. Someone stole my Mecca shoes.

Uh, what were you saying about people?

Do I really have to do this?

You don't have to. You want to.

Doesn't sound like me.

It's a chance for people to see you as serious, caring and dedicated.

You're right. Where's my drink?

All right. Okay. Big smile.

Oh. Easy, Smokey.

Mayor, a little bit closer to the bear, please.

Hit me again and you're a rug.

Sick kids.

Perfect. One more.

All right, furball, you've messed with the wrong mayor.

Hold my crantini, kid.

Ann! Ann!

You wanna go at me? You want a piece of me? Yeah.

How do you like that, Smokey?

"Lonely Muslim father."

"SalaamSingles.com"

"Looking for someone to not hold hands with."

Perfect.

Nice.

They bring out your eyes.

- Any luck? - Sure.

Uh, mostly bad.

One sandal, baby booties,

and a pair of red pumps that are way too big.

I imagine.

Can't you just get a new pair?

I can, but it's just that...

I know, they're your Mecca shoes.

That's one part of it.

I bought them when I was in Mercy.

When I was in Mecca, they're the only things that reminded me of home.

I'll help you track them down.

- Really? - Sure.

It'll be like a mystery.

Sherlock Holmes, and the case of the brown slip-on.

But where do we begin?

"Elementary, my dear Watson."

Yeah, I'm not being Watson.

Popowicz is in hot water again.

Help, the paparazzi is after me!

I only see one reporter.

Well, she's got cousins and they gossip.

Every week it's something new with you.

Well, is it my fault that the press has an endless appetite for scandal?

- Yeah. - Don't feed it.

Anyway, there's a lot of juicy stuff they don't even know about.

- You're making it worse. - Go on.

- Mrs. Hamoudi? - Yeah.

Do you have a comment for us about Beargate?

Oh, Janet, why does it have to be something-gate?

Why can't it be water-something?

Of course, Waterbear doesn't sound like much of a scandal.

Hey, Scooter, you want a real story? Uh...

Check out that health food joint down the street.

Apparently they got quite a selection of a "potted" plants. If you get my drift.

Plantgate, here I come.

What did you mean?

Hydrangeas.

They're lovely.

You helped me.

Why?

So I can eat my sandwich in peace.

You wouldn't get into fixes like this

if you had somebody handling your public relations for you.

She does!

You? A Muslim PR person.

You can't even lie.

I can too!

Oh. Sorry. That was a lie.

You need somebody who can get their hands dirty.

Someone who can bend the truth.

You know? Who can reassure the public with an award-winning radio voice.

Wait...

- That sounds like you. - Yeah.

Oh? Does it?

How would you like to work for me?

Thought you'd never ask.

"Someone has winked at you"?

Who's winking?

SalaamSingles.com?

Dad, I'm home.

Layla, What is this?

- Are you dating the cyber boys? - Oh, Dad...

Boys like B-B-R-2-2-1?

Interests include long walks to the mosque, clipping coupons,

and organizing his National Geographics?

He sounds like a total buffoon.

Dad, it's you. I signed you up.

What is in your head?

I'm sorry. I wanted to do something nice.

The divorce was six years ago, and I wanted you to be happy again.

I am happy! I'm very, very happy.

Look how happy I am!

You have every right to be mad.

- So, I'll just delete all your matches. - Uh-uh.

- All my matches? - Well, not all.

There was one.

Her bio sounds really great.

Really? Okay.

Show me how to do this winking.

What are you doing?

Well, I was told this is where public relations sits.

And since I am public relations...

Oh!

Ugh!

How can Fred be public relations?

I'm public relations.

Look, In the Monopoly game of life, not all of us can be the car.

Some of us have to be the thimble.

I'm the car. I've always been the car. I'm a really great car.

I think we can work something out.

Oh.

- Better? - Not really.

Is it me, or is his desk bigger than mine?

It's not my fault. He brought it from home.

It's just how I roll.

Sarah, we're a team here.

You'll be public relations, and Fred will just be...

Public affairs.

Okay?

- Dandy. - I'm so the thimble.

So, how are the wedding preparations going?

Loafer.

Good. J.J. is out of town, so I'm doing all the running around. Clog.

I'm sure.

Moon boots... Moon boots? Really?

D'you know what?

This business of the shoes is ridiculous.

I'm an imam.

As of this moment, I'm officially letting the shoe thing go.

Okay.

Those are my shoes.

Excuse me!

Excuse me. Salaam Alaikum.

- I think you... - Salaam... Oh.

You're blind.

I see nothing gets past you.

No, there seems to have been a mistake.

No, no, no. I'm pretty sure I'm blind.

No, I mean, you accidentally, I think, took my shoes after the service.

Now, you listen to me.

- Hello, darling. - Hi.

Is that Amaar being yelled at by a blind man?

Yes. Yes, it is.

- Lunch? - Sure.

My lady match and I are so much alike.

I like her halal meat, she likes halal meat.

I pray five times a day, she prays five times a day.

It is a Muslim match making site, Dad.

I just wish that I knew more about her.

Why don't you ask her some questions?

What? A modest Muslim woman would never answer my online pryings.

Well, why don't you two meet?

- You think? - Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Show me how.

What do you think a public affairs person does?

Like a PR person. Just more important.

I knew it. Fred is after my job.

Sweetheart. Darling. No one wants your job.

What's that supposed to mean?

When someone wants your job, there are signs.

They arrive at work early, so you look late.

- Oh. - They discuss strategy behind closed doors

or they dress like the boss, so that they'll say, "Great blazer."

- Well, that hasn't happened yet. - And it never will.

Because no one wears a blazer like you.

Trust me, Sarah Hamoudi...

...you have nothing to worry about.

- Hi. - Nice blazer.

- Oh, thanks. - Oh, not you. I was talking to Fred.

What are you doing here so early? Let me guess. Talking strategy?

I wish I could tell you, but it's a closed-door meeting.

That's not just an expression.

Right. Well, I think we should start with a list of your indiscretions,

- mayoral and otherwise. - What for?

How am I supposed to protect you from yourself,

if I don't know what to protect you from?

Makes sense to me.

So, any incriminating pictures,

newspaper clippings, videos I should know about?

Hmm.

Let me just look through my video drawer.

Oh, yeah.

For my eyes only.

- Private... Oh, what the hell! - Is that Super eight?

There's some good laughs here.

Oh, yeah, we cleaned up.

Firecrackers, you think?

Yeah, that's good.

Well...

Isn't it lunch?

Next, you'll start charging for napkins.

You never use them anyway.

Thank God my mom is going out tonight.

She is?

I took Reverend Magee's advice. I signed her up with Salaam Singles.

That advice wasn't meant for you. It was meant for me.

You took my advice.

My mom's lonely, too. What does it matter, anyway?

Depends. Is she meeting this guy at the bandstand at 6:00?

Yeah.

How'd you know?

Because she's meeting my dad.

What are the chances the site would set them up?

Oh, I don't know. Muslim singles within a five-mile radius.

I'd say the chances are pretty good.

Maybe it'll be fine. I mean, they are adults.

Okay, enough. You want it? Here, take it.

You think you're funny?

Yeah, I've got to stop this.

And that's why I changed my name to Popowicz.

- Wow. - Oh, did I tell you about the night

I drunk dialed Trudeau?

No, but thank you. I think I've got enough.

Are you sure? Because I got more, lots more.

Dear God, woman.

Well, let me know.

Boy, it feels good to get that off my chest.

Well, I guess I'll mosey.

I know what you're doing, Fred Tupper.

The closed-door meeting, that snappy blazer.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

But I... I'm not going to stand back while you try to steal my job.

Your job? Nobody wants your job.

Why do people keep saying that?

No, toots, I have got bigger fish to fry.

Fish called Popowicz.

Oh, thank goodness.

- Wait. What? - Oh, yeah.

I'm going public on my show today.

When people find out what she's been up to, she'll be impeached.

I don't believe you, Fred.

- Believe it, baby. - She'll be exposed. I'll be a hero,

before you can say it, I'll be mayor.

I'll be mayor. It's foolproof.

I don't understand why you just don't take your shoes back from this guy.

What, steal from a blind man?

Who said anything about stealing?

- I think you did. - No.

I'm talking about switching.

I'm listening.

You switch your shoes, for a new pair of shoes for brother Hussein.

I see.

Technically speaking, you'd be righting a wrong, not wronging or wrong.

Totally. Wronging a wrong would be wrong. As imam, it's your job to right rights.

And to know the right time to right wrongs.

But is this the right time?

Trick question. It's always the right time to right wrongs, right?

Right.

Right.

Ann. Ann, we need to talk about Fred.

Okay? You caught me.

Public relations and public affairs is the same thing.

No, it's not about that.

Sarah, you're my friend, but Fred's right.

If you can't lie, then maybe you can't do what I need.

You really believe that?

Fred's ruthless. Fred's cunning.

Fred's after your job.

My job?

I thought he was after your job.

Doesn't make sense.

Nobody wants your job.

I need to know what you told him.

Everything.

And I mean everything.

Even that night with Liberace.

So confusing.

Look, I think I can fix this.

Fred's show goes to air at 4:00, so maybe, just maybe,

I can pull together a press conference before that.

I just hope I can get together all the press.

- You mean Janet? - Yeah.

I'm gonna switch my shoes for these new ones.

Okay, if you need me, I've totally got your back.

- Okay. - Okay.

Amaar?

Brother Hussein.

- This isn't what it looks like. - What does it look like?

Like I'm stealing your shoes.

Nice try. I know these shoes anywhere.

They were the last thing my wife gave me...

Before she died.

Oh.

I didn't realize...

If these aren't my shoes,

that would mean I lost the last thing I have

to remember her by.

Well, it's a good thing you didn't 'cause, um,

these are definitely your shoes.

I'm sorry.

You're not letting me off that easily, are you?

Is that Amaar being yelled at by a blind man again?

- Yes. Yes, it is. - Ah.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Thank you all for coming.

Too often,

public officials are brought down

by the ill-timed discovery of secrets, skeletons,

scandals,

and a night spent in a Daytona prison.

Are you with me?

But today, I come clean.

In the hopes

of putting the scandals of yesterday behind us,

and moving on to the scandals of tomorrow.

See, that is why you'll never make it in public affairs.

- Shut up, Fred. - Mmm-mmm.

Dad, I'm home.

Dad?

Dad, what are you doing? Everything okay?

I'm not going. I... I feel ooky.

Maybe it's for the best.

Of course it is. And what was I thinking, Layla?

I can't meet this woman. I'm opinionated, judgmental, prideful.

Those aren't necessarily bad things.

And those are my good traits.

Why would anybody want to be with me? I mean, no wonder your mother left me.

I can't believe I'm going to say this,

but get up. We have to go.

I don't know what to wear.

That's never stopped you before.

I don't even know what to talk about.

Again. Never been an issue.

Dad, you're a good man. You're just scared.

- And if this date... - Meeting.

...Gets you closer to finding the right person, then it's worth it.

Do you really think so?

Mmm-hmm.

I love you, Layla.

Any bats in the cave, hmm?

- Any? - You're good.

And that's why I changed my name to Popowicz.

Wow.

Usually honesty's... humanizing.

What are you doing?

What? You told me if I came clean, the public would appreciate it.

Well, it always works on Oprah.

I mean, maybe if you just gave everyone in the audience a new car.

Ugh. You have got to fix this if we want to hang onto our jobs.

Boo-freaking-hoo!

I've got it. You have to cry.

Public tears always turns things around.

Look, there is nothing in the whole world that you say that's gonna make me cry.

Ann, you're a terrible mayor.

Um, I... I find your choice of suits ridiculous!

- You're short. - Oh, Sarah!

We went to high school together. You can do better than that.

Okay? You want the truth?

Do you remember your boyfriend in Grade ten?

- Brett Calhoun, the love of my life. - Yeah.

Wow.

It's not easy being mayor.

You know, I've made some mistakes...

But I'm sorry,

and I'm trying my best.

- Tears. - Yeah.

Damn it.

You're good, Hamoudi.

- Public affairs good. - Thank you.

Shoo!

- What are you doing here? - I am meeting someone.

So am I. And I don't need you to scare them away.

I hear the truck stop is serving ketchup with their samosas.

Why don't you go there?

No, no, no. I agreed to meet my friend at this bandstand.

At this bandstand?

At this...

Specific time?

Oh.

Well, I guess my appointment is not showing up.

Yes, it appears that mine is not showing up, either.

Well, I am glad my appointment did not come.

Perhaps I'm not ready to meet a new man yet.

Yes, I too, am not ready to meet this lady who did not show up.

These are not for you.

Thanks.

For nothing.

Hydrangeas.

They're beautiful.

If my appointment had come,

I would have told him

he sounded like a very lovely man.

I am. Thank you.

I mean, so are you.

But not a nice man,

but a nice, uh... person!

You know what I mean.

In conclusion,

doing the right thing can be confusing,

difficult,

and even dangerous.

But that is exactly what makes it so rewarding to do.

Ma'asalama.

Very well said, brother Amaar.

Don't you miss your shoes?

They've taken me where I need to go.

They'll do him more good.

Isn't that your bag?

Yeah.

Apparently, that reminded him of his wife, too.