Original subtitles

Oh!

Oh, my Sicilian!

Why don't you look where you're going, Mr. Shirt and Pants?

- I have the right of way here. - You have the right of nothing.

- You must yield to oncoming traffic. - I am the oncoming traffic.

Go get a refund on your walking lessons.

For your information, I am self-taught.

Pretty big talk for a guy with sun-dried tomatoes on his loafers.

You are just lucky that my religion forbids violence.

Why don't you come here and say that?

Because my religion forbids violence. Open your ears.

Now look what you've done. You made me hit some innocent man's car.

That's my car.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Darling? Hello?

Oh, you're home. You're finally home.

- How was your trip? - Oh...

Three flights, 26 hours. It's a wonder I don't go to Dubai often.

Aw, you poor thing. You look tired.

Whew! All Kareem and I did was work, sleep, eat the occasional meal.

Excellent restaurants, mind you. World class.

Good, you deserve it.

See the occasional movie, the odd concert.

- Well, you can't work all the time. - And the parties.

Parties?

Kareem knows so many people.

Everywhere we went, "Kareem, Kareem, Kareem!"

- He's like the King of Dubai. - Oh, like Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum.

You left behind your Rough Guide.

So, did you bring anything home for the Queen of Mercy?

- Yes, of course, darling. - Yay!

Yes, yes, yes.

What's wrong?

I'm picturing a store near the hotel.

I'm picturing seeing something in the window.

And can you picture giving it to your wife in the next couple of seconds?

And then he insulted my walking abilities. Me.

You've been walking for years.

Mr. Bigshot with his fancy car and his shirt and pants.

Wow. Clothes. A real blue blood.

I find, at a time like this, food helps...

I will show him. Baber never forgets a slight.

And that's why you're so much fun to be around.

Uh-huh.

- Whoa. You all right? - You must have hurt your back.

Would you jump through fire?

Wall or ring?

- Ring. - Piece of cake.

- Would you change your name to Gladys? - Oh, that's a toughie.

- Assalamu alaikum, guys. - Walaikum assalam.

Whatcha doing?

We're playing the What Would You Do for a Million Dollars game.

Oh, okay.

I'd eat a tube of toothpaste.

That's more like the What Would You Do for Five Dollars game.

Okay, two tubes of toothpaste.

Dad!

- Welcome home. - Oh, my precious. My sweetness.

They haven't seen each other for a while, so they're gonna wanna hug each other.

J.J.!

Hug you too.

Walaikum assalam.

Amaar, do you mind if I steal J.J.?

Only if you bring him back.

So, I spoke to my father this morning.

It sounds like you guys had a lot of fun in Dubai.

It was just like old times.

But between you and me, your father's lost a lot of hair.

How are things going here?

It's going great. We've begun excavation on the substation and we...

No, no, no. I mean between you and Rayyan.

Oh, uh...

Well, we've been spending a lot of time together. Uh...

A-ha! I like that smile. I think I like that smile.

Huh? Oh, no, time in public. Spending a lot of time together in public.

Better. And?

Um...

- Can I be honest with you? - Yes.

Come on. You're wasting precious answering time.

Okay. I like Rayyan very much.

In fact,

with your blessings, of course, I'd like to ask for her hand.

- Mr. Hamoudi? - Call me Dad!

There's just one thing.

Five grandkids will suffice, two boys, two girls, the last one's your choice.

Wow. Not that. I can't officially pop the question until my dad calls you.

Father of the groom calls the father of the bride.

- My dad's very old fashioned. - Of course.

Obviously, I wanted to talk to you first, man to man.

But when he calls you tomorrow, can you play dumb?

You can't spell "contractor" without "actor."

I got it.

Afternoon, Amaar.

- Hi. - Everything okay?

Why do you ask?

Oh, nothing, just... That was a new box of pencils this morning.

I like sharp pencils, okay?

If you know a way to make them sharp without getting shorter,

I'd like to hear about it.

- I'll come back. - No, listen. Sorry. Sorry. I'm...

I am a little tense.

Anything you wanna talk about?

It's nothing, just...

Have you ever realized you wanted something,

but you only realized you wanted it after you saw someone else had it?

Is this about my Neil Sedaka CD?

Nevermind.

Are you sure you can pray?

Maybe you should give it a rest?

Because I love you I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

You don't have to kneel if you can't, Baber.

Why don't you just sit on one of the chairs?

The chair people?

Why don't I just wear a big sign that says "decrepit old man"?

- Wouldn't that hurt your back more? - You have to see a chiropractor.

No, the problem will self-correct.

These chiropractors, do they require an appointment or can I just show up?

I have big news. Big, big, big news.

You found Sarah a better husband who does buy her gifts?

- I may have mentioned it to her. - In passing.

- All the way to Dubai and no presents. - How humiliating for her.

I'm sure they're talking about somebody else.

Anyway, it's bigger than that. It's huge.

You found Sarah a more considerate husband who does buy her gifts.

- I'll go. - Are you sitting down?

- You can see me. - Sorry. I'm just very excited.

Our daughter, Rayyan Hamoudi, Dr. Rayyan Hamoudi, our daughter...

- Yes, yes? - Is getting married!

- What? - Yes.

- Rayyan getting married? - Yes.

- Yes, yes. - Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh!

I have to book a hall and call the caterers.

Oh, was it romantic? Oh, I bet it was romantic.

When did J.J. ask her? How did he ask her?

He hasn't.

Not yet, but he's going to. It's just a formality.

Rayyan accepting her own proposal is just a formality?

Honey Melon, you're missing the point.

He has my blessing.

What about Rayyan's blessing? Has it occurred to you she might say no?

Why? She said something?

No, but there are other people involved here besides you and J.J.

My goodness, you're right.

This makes Kareem and I practically brothers.

Yes! Yes!

You're not jumping.

You see that curve?

That'll happen to you if you do not sit up straight.

Dad, everybody's spine is curvy.

And if everybody jumped off a bridge, would you do that too, hmm?

All right, Mr. Siddiqui.

You! Shirt and pants!

- You! Hat and beard! - Why are you here?

Did you step on the chiropractor?

I am the chiropractor.

I will not be treated by this man.

- He's not the only chiropractor in town. - Actually, I am.

What did you do to the others? Step on them? Let's go.

You must be wondering what this is all about.

Actually, I'm pretty used to this sort of thing.

So, do you like J.J.?

Sure, I like him. I mean, I haven't made any decisions yet.

Exactly. I mean, it's up to you.

It doesn't matter what J.J. and your father decide.

- Wait, did they talk? - Yes.

Now your father's dancing like it's a done deal.

- Aw, well, that's sort of cute. - No, it's not cute. It's medieval.

What, he's dancing around with a lute?

So you don't mind two men treating you like chattel.

- You're supposed to be a feminist. - I am a feminist.

But if J.J. wants to talk to Dad before he talks to me, that's fine.

At the end of the day, the decision's still mine.

- So you're okay with this? - Yes.

- Isn't that the only thing that matters? - Yeah, I guess so.

No, it's not.

I'm the mother of the bride. This isn't about you. It's about me.

- Wasn't your wedding about you? - No, it was about my mom.

This is about me, and I'm getting ripped off.

Well, I'm sorry to be ruining my wedding for you.

Well...

Assalamu alaikum.

- Sarah, what's wrong? - Nothing. Everything's great.

I guess I just thought I'd be happier the day my daughter got engaged.

Engaged?

So, what are you having?

Burning, searing pain in my chest.

Got it. One spicy curry.

- Morning, honey. You off to work? - Unless you wanna do it for me.

I mean, it's not about me, right? It's all about you.

What wrong with Rayyan?

Oh, we had another fight, but you know what, no more.

I'm the mother of the bride-to-be, and it's time I embrace that.

Well, I'm relieved to hear you say that.

'Cause I was afraid for a second that she might be mad at J.J.

- Has Kareem called? I'm expecting a call. - Oh, for Pete's sake!

J.J. and Kareem. Kareem and J.J.

If you love them so much, why don't you marry them?

I know you're no expert in Islam,

but even you must know that sort of thing is frowned upon.

I know. It's just that it's all going down so fast,

and I feel left out.

Oh, darling, you're right.

From now on it's gonna be all Sarah all the time.

- Aw. - My 24-hour Sarah channel.

- 100% of my daily requirement of Sarah. - Oh, you're right. We shouldn't fight.

Mmm. Besides fighting at the wedding

would embarrass us in front of J.J. and Kareem.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam

I see you're returning your salaams again. That's good.

Yeah, I'm so sorry about yesterday. I'm just really stressed out.

Anything you wanna talk about?

It's okay. I'll work through it on my own.

- Okay. - Okay.

Uh, unless there was something that you wanted to talk about.

No.

Yes.

Well, now that I've run into you, I was sort of curious about...

- Oh, hi, Layla. - Rayyan, do you do house calls?

Oh, okay, I'm afraid you'll just have to take it easy for a little while.

But I'll give you something for the pain.

Islam forbids narcotics. Go do your pushing somewhere else, pusher!

Islam has nothing against prescription medicine.

Take the pills. It's either that or a whole lot of misery.

I'll be fine.

I was talking about me.

He'll be fine.

It's just a mild opiate.

Well, well, well. Surprise, surprise.

It says here, "Immigrants are less likely to speak English than people born here."

Typical.

I'm with you, Fred.

No, he's not. Not with me.

The last thing I need is my name on some watchlist.

Watchlist!

Wake up, people!

I love this guy! Come here, you big son-of-a-gun you!

Oh!

- I think I'm gonna hurl. - How do you think I feel?

- I had to watch. - Oh!

Sleep well, little chickens.

Soon you'll be hatched.

Oh!

Uh, nice weather we're having.

Yes, the weather is good.

Come on, Kareem, call. We have a wedding to plan.

Water Lily, you've unlocked yourself from the bedroom.

Oh, I couldn't stay mad. I found this.

- Our wedding album. - Yeah.

Memories of your mother's special day.

I'm sorry I've been so touchy about the whole proposal thing.

I guess I'm just remembering the night you proposed, and how special it was.

I will never forget it.

I paid the guy $100 to stop the Ferris wheel right at the top.

Oh, then they couldn't start it again,

so they had to bring in that cherry picker to rescue us.

Then I paid the cherry picker guy $200.

- Oh, good times. Mmm-hmm. - Yes.

- What, you expecting a call? - What? No.

Why would I be expecting a call

when the only person that matters is sitting right here?

Mmm.

You're staring at the phone hoping to levitate it?

You used to love my magic tricks.

Come on, Kareem. Come on.

Let me ask you something.

You've married a lot of young couples.

Indeed, I have.

And half of those marriages crash and burn, right?

That's a national statistic. You can't blame me.

No, no. I know. I'm just saying,

when you meet a couple,

how do you know they're not making a mistake?

Well, I do counseling, but there are no guarantees.

Except my quiz. That's pretty much a guarantee.

- Quiz? - Pre-marital quiz.

If a couple fails that, let's just say, don't go overboard on the wedding gifts.

Interesting.

Actually, it's quite sad.

Yes, very sad.

Chicken wing Wednesdays at Fatima's. Thanks for the invite, Amaar.

Yeah, I was surprised. I had the impression you were avoiding me.

Don't be stupid. I mean, don't be silly.

- I mean, don't be a stupid jerk. - Huh?

Look, what I found.

It is a marriage quiz of Reverend Magee's.

We could read it for fun as we wait for chicken wings.

Your wings are here.

- As we eat the chicken wings. - Amaar.

If you ask me, some of these questions are pretty stupid.

"Do you and your partner share the same taste in films?"

Oh, actually, the other day, we both realized we loved old Bob Hope movies.

Exactly. Meaningless.

Uh, this one's better.

"Do you and your partner share similar goals for the future?"

Well, that's a good question. Um...

- Well? Do you? - Amaar.

You're right. Nevermind.

Do we want another basket of wings? Do we want another jug of Cola?

Do you ever feel disrespected or controlled by your partner?

That's enough.

You're right. We don't need any more wings.

What are your plans for children? Does your partner like kids?

- We have to go. - Oh, no, we don't.

Oh. Dissimilar goals for the future. That's bad.

Goodbye, Amaar.

- Sorry. - Uh...

Rayyan, wait!

- Did I just step on a gumball? - Baber decided to free the chickens.

You big son-of-a-gun you!

Dad?

- Dad, what are you doing? - Getting rid of these devil pills.

And then I'm going to pray harder than I've ever prayed in my life.

- There. Feel better? - Mmm.

Mmm. Half better.

Well, a quarter.

Creeping up on a third.

Mmm. Just relax.

Mmm.

- It's just you and your attentive husband. - Mmm-hmm.

And the soothing sounds of an ocean...

Kareem!

Hello? My good friend. Yes. How are you?

Hello?

Anyone?

A little help, please.

Baber, are you still praying?

I'm finished, but I'm stuck.

How long have you been here?

Unless you've invented some kind of floor clock,

I can't tell you.

Ahhh!

Why did I let you talk me into this?

I turn my back on this man for one second and look what he does.

I didn't have a great day either, okay?

- We all have problems. - Tell me about it.

You should see what this guy

did to my taillight.

What is wrong with you? You're not yourself lately.

- Not that I'm complaining. - Nothing.

- Nothing I could tell you anyway. - Oh.

Don't tell Baber. Baber wouldn't understand.

Baber is an idiot.

You can tell me.

You're not the idiot.

I am.

I've been interfering with someone's happiness when I should do the opposite.

I feel like a failure as an imam and as a friend.

As an imam, you have a long list of failings.

- Thank you. - But you are not a failure as a friend.

I don't think. Obviously, we're just acquaintances.

Ahhh!

Flip over.

I don't understand you.

Why don't you just tell Rayyan how you feel?

Who said this was about Rayyan?

Please! A blind man can see how you feel about that girl.

- Really? - Yes, but Rayyan is not a blind man.

You have to talk to her.

How can someone whose sermons are so longwinded

not think about talking when it counts?

You're right.

What am I doing here?

Baber, I gotta go.

You are here for my protection. Don't leave me alone with this man.

Just you and me, hat and beard.

Ahhh!

Do it again.

Oh, how was your big, important phone call with Kareem?

- Fantastic news, darling. - What? Kareem's moving in with us?

Even better. You can relax. The engagement is finally official.

Really? J.J. proposed? Rayyan said yes?

Soon. Very soon.

What does that mean, very soon? What's official about that?

J.J. couldn't talk to Rayyan until his father talked to me,

and now he has.

- I see. So Kareem proposed to you. - Yes!

But, darling,

you're missing the big picture.

There's going to be a wedding, and we're the happy parents.

You and me or you and Kareem?

You and me, sweetheart. How could you think I was saying that?

At least, I don't think I was saying that.

- So my baby's getting married? - Yes!

Ohhh!

- Yay! - Yes, she could be. Yes.

Rayyan!

- I've been looking all over for you. - I'm 30 feet away from your office.

Well, I was gonna look all over for you. I just got lucky.

Um, I'm glad I ran into you.

We need to talk.

I just wanna apologize about the way I've been acting lately.

I mean, that whole quiz thing...

- I was just... - Incredibly rude.

- Well... - Way out of line.

- I... - Hogging the chicken wings.

Guilty. The point is the J.J. thing.

I just didn't know things would get so serious so fast.

Well, no offense, Amaar, but where did you think this was going?

Well, nowhere obviously.

You and I are just friends, right?

I meant between me and J.J.

Okay.

- Here's the thing, uh... - Amaar, stop.

J.J. asked me to marry him.

He did?

What did you say?