Original subtitles

You look kind of tired.

Oh, yeah, it's crazy at work right now.

Well, if we ever do get married, that won't be a problem anymore.

And why is that?

Well, as a devout Muslim, no wife of mine's going to work.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you understood that.

Um...

Classic.

I wish I had a camera.

Oh, why? So you'd have a picture of me killing you?

Need I remind you that

under Islamic dating rules, you can't touch me.

True.

But this can.

Suddenly, you don't look so tired anymore.

Darling, I have some very exciting news. I just got off the phone with J.J.'s dad.

He suggested now that we could be in-laws, that I go and work for him in Dubai.

- We're going to Dubai? - No, just me.

- What? - It's just for a couple of weeks.

He needs a temporary crew manager to work on the world's tallest building.

You can't just go to Dubai. What about all your work here?

This is how much he's going to pay me.

I'll go get your suitcase.

How do you think this thing's going?

How do you think this whole thing is going?

I feel like, like this is working.

But how should I know? I've never really dated before, so...

Your parents never tried to set you up on anything like this?

Well, my dad was always busy with work, and I was busy with engineering school.

- Plus you had that haircut. - True.

- And those glasses, so geeky. - Okay.

Oh, and those pants.

Bad pants, J.J., bad, bad pants.

All right, all right. Sorry we couldn't all be cool like you.

Well, I don't know if I was cool.

But before I became devout, I may have gone on a couple of dates.

Oh, really? What kind of dates?

Oh...

The library, ice cream.

There you go, a couple of dates. You're pretty experienced.

Well, there you go.

- So, what happened at the library? - It was a long time ago.

You're right. It doesn't matter.

No.

But what happened there?

Don't make me stick this fork in your trachea again, J.J.

I'll come back.

Hey, Sarah, you want to help out with the animal shelter fundraiser?

Oh, I don't think I can handle another bake sale.

No. This year, it's a talent show.

- Oh. - Come on, sign up.

We need people to audition.

Okay.

- There. - You just passed the audition.

Well, I just had to sign my name?

And sell ten tickets.

Oh, I see. It's a pyramid scheme.

It's a charity

pyramid scheme.

What's going on?

I have a "have a nice trip to Dubai" card for Yasir.

I want everybody to sign it.

Oh, yeah. Who else has signed it?

You're the first.

Oh, no, no, no, I can't be the first to sign.

All that vast empty space to stake your claim.

I'm sure you'll manage.

When the gold rush came,

look what happened to the first person that showed up there.

He found gold.

That's why there was a gold rush.

Okay, bad example.

Uh, just get some other people to sign it first.

Come on. Just sign the card.

I got a glitter pen.

In the words of St. Thomas Aquinas, "No."

When did he say that?

Probably when someone asked him to sign a card.

There's a charity talent show at the community center.

- Oh, sounds terrible. - I'm going to be in it.

It will be a magical evening, darling.

- And you will be... - I'm tap dancing.

You tap dance?

It's been a while, but I took lessons as a kid,

and I don't think the steps have changed.

You've changed. You're a Muslim now.

I can't tap dance?

Islamically speaking, dancing in front of the opposite sex is provocative.

I didn't say "lap dancing". I said "tap dancing".

But you'll be on a stage in front of men.

Tap dancing.

- But it's... - Tap dancing.

- I just think that... - Tap dancing.

Dad?

It's a curse, darling.

You could make walking to the store look provocative.

I can't walk to the store?

You can't tap dance to the store.

Look, I'm a hoofer.

If it's one thing a hoofer does, is hoof.

Yes, I'm a Muslim, but I'm following my heart here.

And how many tickets can I put you down for?

Hmm?

- Can I ask a question? - Mmm-hmm.

Does hoofing mean dancing?

It's hoofing, and yes.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, Baber, how would you like to see

a member of the mosque tap dancing in a charity talent show?

A man dancing in front of other men only?

That sounds so permissible.

Uh, no, it's me.

Tap dancing in front of a mixed crowd.

- What? Out of the question. - How about you, Layla?

And see you make a lewd display of yourself?

What kind of example is that?

Another innocent youth

lost to the dangerous world of hardcore tap.

You see, you're turning her into a smart alec.

- She's always been like that. No offence. - Eh.

No tickets. Go peddle your filth somewhere else.

Shoo!

But it's hoofing. I'm a hoofer.

Hoofer means dancing.

Oh, hey, look. Ice cream.

You want a cone?

I don't know.

You still like ice cream, don't you?

Why?

Oh, because I went for ice cream with that guy in high school?

Oh, please.

I had already forgot you had an ice cream date with that guy.

And then you went to the library with him.

Or maybe it was possibly a different guy.

Who knows?

Glad to see you're all right with it.

Yeah.

I got a "have a nice trip" card for Yasir, and I want you to be the first to sign it.

First? The death slot?

No way. You go first. Mmm-mmm.

Fine.

"Dubye-bye. Amaar."

Dubye-bye?

It's a joke.

Barely.

Just sign.

What are you doing about Sarah Hamoudi

flaunting herself in front of the whole town?

The talent show? Hmm...

This is really a gray area, Baber.

- I think you're overreacting. - If anything, I am under-reacting.

Dancing in front of the opposite sex?

It leads to lust.

It's tap dancing. Least sexy of all the dance genres.

Throw in a barbershop quartet

and you'd completely kill the mood.

Women dancing in public is never tolerable.

"Brother Yasir,

"nobody deserves this opportunity more than you.

"It's an honor to have you as a friend. Baber."

Now I'm kind of embarrassed about "dubye-bye."

See why it's called the death slot?

You took us this way on purpose, so we'd pass by the ice cream place.

Is that so terrible?

Are you going to take us to the library next?

Well, not now I'm not.

You're competing with my history.

I'm sorry. I...

I just got a bit jealous about your story about you and Johnny Ice Cream-Face.

His name's Merl.

Is...

That makes it so much worse.

It was the '90s. Everybody was having ice cream.

It was just part of the times.

No, I'm sorry. I'm just being stupid.

You're not stupid. Just insecure.

A little ignorant.

Stupid was a good word.

Layla, what are you watching?

I don't like the program

where the men and women sit so close together.

That's the news, Dad. And it's not what I'm watching.

So, what are you watching?

Okay, remember when you were talking to Mrs. Hamoudi

and you said dancing in front of the opposite sex is not allowed?

Yes.

How do you explain this little display at Uncle Rahil's wedding?

I didn't know there was a camera.

Oh. Yes.

Layla, this is very difficult to explain.

It's even more difficult to watch.

Shouldn't you apologize to Mrs. Hamoudi?

Darling, it's complicated. The rules...

That you're allowed to dance in public, but not her.

I'll talk to her tomorrow.

It'd be a shame if this DVD ended up on the Internet tonight.

I'm going now!

Duncan.

It's time.

Oh. There's that card you keep bringing me.

You're not first. Baber and I already signed it.

Okay.

I'm not ready yet.

It's not skydiving.

Just sign the card.

Amaar, I'm very nervous about signing cards.

I'm a clergyman. People expect me to be all inspiring.

You know how it is.

Maybe you don't know how it is.

"Dubye-bye"?

People like jokes. Why can't I put a joke down?

Amaar, this isn't some sermon that just disappears into thin air.

This is written down.

I guess I could have put down a full sentence.

Maybe when he reads the card, he'll have his thumb over your part.

You're packing for Dubai now? You don't leave for a week.

You wouldn't know this about me, but I am a master packer.

I'm about to pull off my greatest feat yet.

Two weeks, one carry-on.

This airplane doesn't have a cargo hold?

The year was 1987,

I arrived at my destination and I wait, no bag.

I wait some more, no bag.

They lost your luggage.

Actually, I was standing at the wrong carousel.

But I never forgot that feeling.

There's just one thing that troubles me.

- What is that? - Why are you in my living room?

- Sarah. - Mmm-hmm.

I have come to say something from the bottom of my heart.

What is it? I have to practice.

- This won't take a moment. - Mmm-hmm.

After much serious thought, I've decided that, um...

What is it, Baber? What is it?

After sober second thought, I've decided that, um...

- Oh! - Uh...

My first thought was correct. You must not dance in public. Mmm-mmm.

Why? Because you think I'd be setting a bad example for your daughter?

Yeah, in a way.

Boy, Baber, you've got some nerve. And it's one thing to preach...

Yes, yes, yes, I know.

I have lots of nerve, but don't dance.

Bye Bye.

Earlier today,

I told your wife she can't dance because of Islam,

I've changed my mind.

She can't dance, period.

She can't be stopped. Her parents paid for lessons.

They should get a refund.

Like the floor's on fire, she's putting it out with her feet.

That mop is a lethal weapon.

Now, get out of my house right now!

I'm trying to spare her feelings.

I know. I'm trying to score points before a long trip.

I'm serious! Get out!

I had no right to come here. You have put me in my place.

I feel so used. Oof!

Anyway, I'm sorry about all that. I hope we're good.

As long as we don't have to go for ice cream again.

Or popsicles.

- What about freezies? - I'll think about it.

I like you.

And my past is just my past.

The people from my past are just a shoebox of memories now.

You have a shoebox? What's in the shoebox?

Just letters and photos and stuff from high school.

- From boys? - Yeah.

You've never kept a shoebox before?

A few, but they had shoes in them. When were you going to tell me about this?

J.J., it's the past.

It's long gone.

It's not long gone. It's preserved. Pickled. Mummified.

You're being childish.

You should have dinner with your shoebox.

It would make better conversation.

I'll talk to you soon.

If it fits my schedule.

Who says "schedule?"

Fatima, if you were interested in a man

and he kept a shoebox of stuff from other women,

would you ask him to get rid of it?

Of course not.

Okay.

I would see that the box accidentally got dropped in the deep fryer.

Huh.

I don't think that'll help my case much.

J. J, women like a man who is confident and secure.

What if I'm not confident and secure?

There are plenty in line behind you.

I understand.

I'm not so sure you do.

There are plenty in line behind you.

You didn't apologize.

Layla, I saw her dance.

And you were offended?

In a sense.

Layla, she doesn't even know how to tap dance.

She's going to make a complete fool of herself.

She knows how to tap dance.

Have you seen her do it?

Well, no.

Who are you going to believe, me or not me, huh?

You give me that disc.

Okay, here you go.

Are there copies?

You tell me.

I got it.

- You got what? - The thing for Yasir's card.

Hmm.

What Yasir is doing with the world's tallest building

is taking a small piece of Mercy

all the way to the stars.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

That's very good.

Is there a Nobel Prize for card writing?

There's one for everything else.

I'm ready. Where is it?

- Oh. - There you are.

Hmm.

You stole my sentiment?

Well, when you're stuck, you're stuck.

Thank you. I'll see you and the kids at the show.

Maybe they'll want tap lessons after this.

You mustn't go to this show.

It's going to be a lewd display. A lewd, embarrassing display. Ugh!

Well, if Mrs. Nesraela can't go to see that show,

maybe she'd enjoy another show.

A DVD perhaps?

Can't stop the music, enjoy the show.

Shuffle, hop, slide.

Step, hop...

Darling, these lessons that your parents paid for,

was it a discount thing?

Don't worry, you're going to think you're watching Bill Bojangles Robinson.

Ruby Keeler?

Oh, Ruby Keeler, yeah.

Does it concern you that all the great tap names are from more than 50 years ago?

- What are you doing? - Watch this.

I have constructed a replica

of that thing at the airport that measures carry-on bags.

It's bad enough I'm going to lose you for two weeks.

I've also lost you to a week of packing.

Just think of the time I will save at the carousel.

All right, show me.

Impressive.

Mmm... Slid through too easily.

I'm getting more toiletries.

What are you writing anyway? An essay?

Nigerian folk tale.

You're going to run out of space.

As long as I'm here.

Say a woman kept a box of keepsakes from men she knew,

and the man in her life now said to get rid of it.

What would you suggest?

Uh, I'd tell him he's giving too much power to inanimate objects.

He has to put his trust in her and in Allah.

Thank you. Hmm.

You're an excellent imam.

I am pretty good, aren't I?

Trust in Rayyan, trust in Allah.

That's really good advice.

I am pretty good, aren't I?

- You ready for tonight? - As ready as Donald O'Connor.

Who?

Never mind.

- Mom, J.J. and I had a fight. - Mmm-hmm?

What happened?

Get this.

He wants me to get rid of this.

Your Manolos? My God, they're gorgeous.

- Can I have them? - No, it's my shoe box full of stuff.

You told him about the shoebox?

Yeah.

You see, now, I didn't tell your father about my shoebox for ten years.

Even then, it was a tense time.

Oh, I had no idea.

Don't throw a good man away over this.

I mean, if it was the shoes, maybe.

- Thanks, Mom. - You bet.

Okay.

It's bad enough you don't want Mrs. Hamoudi dancing,

when you lie and say she isn't good, it is so much worse.

All right, that is it. You accuse me, your father, of lying?

Well, you leave me no choice.

We are going to the show.

- What? - You will see I'm telling the truth. Hmm.

You're going to watch "the forbidden dance".

No, you are. Me? I'll be covering my eyes in horror.

The shoebox is just things.

From now on, I'm putting my trust in you and in Allah.

No, you were right.

If the past is truly past, then why should I hang on?

But because it's part of you and...

And I really like you.

Listen, you keep your past.

From now on, I'm focusing on our future.

That's good.

It's pretty corny, though.

I'm paraphrasing from something I saw in your dad's going away card.

So, I brought J.J. and Rayyan back together?

Yes, it really seemed that they were in trouble.

If anything, it seems that they are closer now.

Yeah.

They're having a real nice time.

Shame. It will all have to end in tap dancing.

Prepare yourself.

- Here I am. - Hey, you just made it.

Yes. I'm sorry. I was measuring liquids.

The exact amount of lens fluid allowable.

It's done.

So, you've packed the perfect bag?

The immaculate suitcase. It belongs in an aviation museum.

- It's a shame you'll have to open it. - Yeah.

Our next talented performer is Sarah Hamoudi.

She's really good, but she was so terrible before.

Well, maybe you raised her confidence and she believed in herself.

And she's been practicing all week.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

She's terrific.

Oh! I'm offended. Ugh!

She's really very good.

You're a good dancer, too, Dad.

Ooh!

I heard you helped Rayyan and J.J.

I think that's incredibly big of you.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, buddy,

I'll sign that card for you. Is this it?

Fatima took up all the space anyway.

Well, there's room on the back for three words.

Three words is pretty low risk.

"You're the bomb"?

- No, that's just a friend of mine. - Open his bag.

No, don't open the bag. Please, don't open the bag.

We got a live one here. Clear the area.

We're going to have to detonate!

No, no, no. It's just that I'm really good at packing.

Really, I'm very good at packing!

Ahhh!

Mr. Hamoudi, you're free to go.

I have to say, it was the best packing job I've ever seen.

The blast pattern left a perfect circle.

Why do bad things happen to good luggage?