Original subtitles

I think I've got this entire menu memorized.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Let's see.

Goat curry.

- 6.50. - Hmm.

- Not bad. Goat stew. - 6.75.

- Oh, two for two. Turkey sandwich. - With fries?

- Sure. - 5.75.

Hmm, I gotta hand it to you, Amaar. You are really...

- Cheeseburger. - 6.95.

- Aw! - I have a photographic memory.

Really? Okay. Close your eyes.

What color is my hijab?

- That's not fair. It only works with food. - Oh!

- Pink. Pink. - Yeah. Good one.

Spring is in the air.

I think that's garlic.

I meant your daughter. Pretty flirty for a Muslim.

Okay, quick. How much are the onion rings?

Come on, you're a married woman.

That's a good trick.

Internship? I don't even know what that means.

It is like a part-time job, except, here's the good part,

the payment isn't money.

So what is it? Like free pop or something?

Even better. Experience.

That's worse. You meant worse.

The best schools look for work experience.

You've got to build a resume.

- But where am I supposed to find... - Here is the Mercy Business Directory.

- Find an area, science, media... - Dad.

Or you could come work for me.

I'm on it.

It's the job of a lifetime!

Okay, it's not glamorous, but these holes do not punch themselves.

No, I mean me.

The province is building a pumping substation

right here in Mercy.

What's a pumping substation?

It pumps.

Oh.

- So you're gonna get this job? - Of course.

When I first got into construction, this is what I saw myself doing,

building skyscrapers, sporting arenas,

pumping substations.

Well, it's not exactly a skyscraper.

- Pumps more water than a skyscraper. - Huh.

So, what are you gonna do?

I just met with the project manager.

He's going to put in a good word for me. Get me on the short list.

Short list.

Where'd you meet this guy?

Informally, in an informal social situation.

Come on! Jeez!

Ah!

Hamoudi! Good of you to come. Drink?

Oh, no, no. Thank you.

Oh.

- Sit down. Let's play some cards. - Muslims aren't really supposed to play.

Cards.

Deal me in.

You smell like smoke.

What kind of meeting was this?

The kind where I lost all my cash and you have to buy me lunch.

So, this is an unpaid position.

No money, but good work experience.

Great. No money and lots of work.

Experience. That's what I'm looking for.

So, what made you choose this place?

It was pretty random.

- Sorry? - People. I love working with people.

Great.

Well, if he hires you,

you'll be a personal assistant to a media professional.

- It's a good in. - Good.

Oh, here he is now.

Oh, hey. Hiya, toots.

So, you wanna learn the old radio game, huh?

He's like a god around here.

Guilty.

- So, how was the poker party? - It was fine.

What poker party?

What's poker?

- Who told you about poker? - Mom.

Well, we were just sitting around. I had to say something.

Is this where you're disappointed with me? Or where you're upset with me?

I'll probably do a little of both.

I didn't win.

I didn't have any fun. That must count for something.

It's not me you have to worry about.

- What? Is Amaar here? - I mean Allah.

Right.

Dad, there are rules in our religion.

Yeah.

She's upset.

Well, no daughter likes to find out her father's a terrible poker player.

Did you make it onto the short list?

- I have a meeting next week. - Oh, yes!

Yeah.

- One milk, two sugars? - Thanks, toots. Newscast ready?

- Right here. - Beautiful.

What's with all the yellow splotches on here?

I highlighted all the interesting stories.

- I hope that's okay. - Thanks, toots.

I don't know that a new leash law is interesting.

I don't know that much about it. Muslims aren't supposed to have dogs.

Really?

As pets. I don't know why. It's just a thing.

No gambling, no drinking, no dogs.

You guys must hate the painting of the dogs playing poker?

Does anybody like that painting?

Right.

- Good work, toots. - Thanks.

Did you hear about my dad and the poker party? Did you hear about my dad and the poker party?

Yeah, I did.

I'm going to have to speak to him. I heard he was a really bad player.

I am so mad at him.

I guess it takes a while to learn the hands.

- Amaar. - I know.

You shouldn't be angry with him.

Respecting your parents is an important part of Islam.

Uh, we're talking about him here, not me.

You both have things you could work on.

- Wanna play the menu game? - It'd be hard to while you're up there.

- Up where? - On your high horse.

You were on the high horse

- about your dad. - No, I wasn't.

Besides, it's my job to be on my high horse.

I'm a high horseman.

It's lonely up here.

Fred Tupper

Folks, there's one thing you can always count on in this world,

and that's the love of a good pooch.

But, apparently, not for some of us.

It turns out your Muslims aren't allowed to keep dogs as pets.

Yeah, bad enough this freaky foreign religion breeds terrorists.

It also breeds something far worse.

Cat people.

I can't believe you used our private conversation

- to slam my entire community. - What? The dog thing?

- Was I making something up? - No.

So I was just telling the truth.

Your religion is against telling the truth?

- Of course not. - Oh, rats.

That would've been a good topic.

Hot show, Fred. How'd you come up with that dog angle?

I used our personal conversation to slam her community.

Oh.

Good.

- I'm still pretty mad about... - Relax, toots, will you?

- I'll make you an associate producer. - Really?

- Do I get paid? - No.

How are things in pumping substation land?

Oh, shaping up. Shaping up.

Just working through one little fly in the ointment.

- Which is? - I have no idea how to build it.

I thought it was your dream.

I have a lot of crazy dreams, darling.

Half the time I dream about running around naked in my old school.

Could you run slower? You're always kicking me.

You know what we need? An engineer.

So hire one.

- They're expensive. - What about what's his name?

Your old partner, Kareem. Wasn't his son going into engineering?

- Jenae Jaffer? - Yeah, J.J.

He's just a boy, darling.

He's grown up by now.

Mind you, he always was a bit of a geek.

And that's exactly what I need.

Someone who is good with numbers, bad with people.

Why "bad with people"?

So I can talk him into doing this for next to nothing.

- Fred Tupper! That's who you go work for? - I never even heard his show before.

I thought he was a guy that said "toots" a lot.

- You have to quit. - You made me get the stupid job.

Now you want me to quit? I'm associate producer.

- Does this mean you get paid? - No.

But it's a title I could put on my business cards.

- Did they give you business cards? - No.

I insist you quit. I am laying down the law.

What about building my resume?

You cannot build something on a foundation of Fred.

What if I say no?

Understand, there will be consequences of what you're doing.

You can't make me quit a job.

I warn you one last time.

No.

Very well.

- If you quit, I'll buy you a cell phone. - No deal.

With free airtime and ring tones.

I don't know what ring tones are but you can have some.

Now, when J.J. gets here, be nice.

Poor kid. He was always so hapless.

Why wouldn't I be nice?

Remember when you were ten?

You both climbed a tree together and you pushed him out.

- That was funny. - He broke his arm.

That was the funny part.

I was ten. It seemed funny at the time.

So when you pushed him,

you were gambling, as it were, with his life.

I'd say that makes us even.

Nice try.

Oh, that must be J.J.

I wonder if he still has those Coke-bottle glasses.

Maybe he had laser surgery.

Do they make lasers that big?

Everyone, this is J.J.

Assalamu alaikum.

Walaikum assalam.

Welcome.

Wow. Can you get laser surgery on your whole body?

Apparently.

Wow. This is really impressive.

You did this all last night?

No, I did it on the plane on the way over.

- Oh! - It's my folder. See?

You guys are really gonna wow that committee.

Actually, you learn a lot about physics from falling out of trees.

- You remember that? - It's water under the bridge.

Like that time you pushed him off the bridge into water.

- Hmm. - That was a mistake.

I had no idea there was water under there.

Well, it's time to leave.

- It's not for another hour. - We don't want to be late.

- You said it was across the street. - It's against the wind.

Amaar, this is J.J. J.J., this is Amaar. We have to go.

- Who's that? - Oh, That's J.J. He's an engineer.

The cool train kind or the other kind?

- The other kind. - It's never the cool train kind.

Well, I'd better go. I wouldn't want to get lectured.

- What was that about? - She thinks I'm too preachy.

Occupational hazard.

The dog show was fantastic.

The dog people are mad at the Muslims and the cat people are mad at you.

- What I'd say about cat people? - You said they're worse than terrorists.

Oh, yeah.

- Can we get another show out of that? - Oh, I guess so. Why not?

Maybe you could do a follow-up. There are shades of grey.

Not all Muslims think you can't have a dog.

Whoa. Hold on, honey.

Different Islamic scholars think it's okay if you have one.

Hold the phone there. We don't do shades of grey around here.

You're kind of making us look bad.

That's what you get for being in a kooky religion.

Let's do this.

Fred Tupper

Hello, everybody and welcome to The Fred Tupper Show

brought to you by Okay Bakery, now with six types of bun.

Folks, every now and then on the show here,

we we come across what we call a hot-button issue.

And the last show we did just that.

Dogs and your Muslims.

Now, today we're gonna...

W... We're gonna...

We're gonna go in a slightly different direction

and talk about something even worse.

Uh...

Taxes.

Yeah. Personally, I can't stand them.

Let's open the phones. Huh?

What's he doing?

Maybe he's trying to be culturally sensitive.

That's awful.

Just give us a dingle.

Heard the show today.

Wow.

Taxes, eh?

Someone sure is sticking it to the man.

You know, I try to adjust my radio. I got the volume and I got the tuning.

There's just no way I can turn down the suck!

Hey, listen, pal. I have a few things that I...

You know, you used to be something, man.

You used to be a blow hard.

I'm still a blow hard, buddy boy.

What's wrong with being a cat person?

Check, please.

And that is why you can, should and must choose Hamoudi Construction

for the project. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I think you got it down.

- That's the third time you've run through. - Yeah, don't be nervous.

Confidence is key. Confidence is key.

Hamoudi! You're up next.

Let's do it.

I can't do it.

You're gonna be fine.

I should be building a deck. A deck I know. A deck wouldn't judge me.

Am I a nag?

What do you mean?

Do I nag people? Someone said I was on my high horse.

Look, Amaar, we try to get people to change.

Sometimes people don't wanna change.

Sometimes people don't even wanna donate change.

This job would be easier if it weren't for the people.

That's why I didn't want to do this in my office.

We got the job.

Congratulations! Oh!

- That's so good. - This calls for a celebration.

- You're staying for lunch. - Yes.

- Oh. - Lunchtime. Lunchtime.

- I have something for you. - Oh.

- What is it? - It's a gift. It's no big deal.

Okay.

These are a little small for me.

No, actually, they were mine from when you pushed me out of the tree.

The extremely tall tree.

Yeah.

That's sweet.

You kept these.

Sort of a memento.

I also got a pin in my arm, but I can't give you that.

I guess J.J. will be staying for a little while now.

Something good could come of your gambling after all.

- What do you mean? Those two? - Mmm-hmm.

- I thought she had eyes for Amaar. - Oh, she's mad at him again.

I'm worried she'll never find someone.

She's too choosy.

In these matters, you have to be practical.

I mean, I didn't have to be.

- Everybody else does - Close call.

So, once I get the CAD package set up, I can output a schematic matrix

- to help with model flow attributes. - Flow attributes. Gotcha.

- Where's the plug in? - Right there.

- What do they teach in engineering school? - Thanks.

You know, after doing all that stuff in Dubai,

it's nice to be back in this part of the world.

- Dubai? - Yeah. You didn't know?

My dad's working on the Dubai needle.

Isn't that gonna be the tallest building in the world?

Yeah, now that they've added the communications spire.

- That's the pointy thing at the top. - I know. I know.

What part of the building is...

- The pointy thing at the top. - The highest building in the world?

- That sounds like... - Loads of money.

Oh, my goodness, yes.

- Do you have a mouse pad? - Use a magazine.

- Uh, did you go talk to Amaar yet? - About what?

You were gonna talk to him about the whole gambling thing.

Your father didn't become a professional gambler.

He went to one poker party

to try to get a public official to give him preferential treatment.

Actually, when you say it out loud like that, it's pretty bad.

What can I do to make it up to you?

Just start respecting our faith a little more.

Do one Islamic thing, and that's a start.

- Maybe you need to dress like Baber. - Anything except that.

There is one thing I could do, but you wouldn't like it.

Oh, you're just making excuses. Come on.

Well, it's a Muslim father's duty to find a husband for his daughter.

- I could do that. - What?

- What? - J.J. is a friend of the family.

Very good prospects.

You could go on a series of dates with a chaperone.

- Very Islamic. - Yasir, what you're talking about

is an arranged marriage.

Yeah, something like that. Could you pass the chicken?

I don't know what to say.

- I do. You're not getting any chicken. - You can't eat that much chicken.

Oh, chicken is for civilized people. You're a caveman.

I'm not a caveman. Tell her. Arranged marriage is very traditional.

Now all I'm left with is side dishes.

We lost the bun sponsorship.

What? How are they gonna sell those buns now?

Six types of bun.

- They practically sell themselves. - Yeah.

You've gotta put the fire back in your show, Fred.

Look at the last few topics you've had: taxes, the weather, punctuation.

It's boring.

A lot of people get fired up about punctuation.

The semicolon is not a toy.

Get your act together or I'm going to replace you.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

I haven't seen you in a bit. I thought you were mad at me.

I am, but I need some advice.

Okay, well, I'll take off my friend hat and put on my imam hat.

- I don't really have an imam hat. - I know.

I just can't believe you said that.

Um...

Okay, so...

Uh...

This kind of crazy thing happened. Uh...

My dad had this crazy idea.

Well, it's kind of crazy.

Okay.

Um...

He wants me to...

Finish your sentences?

You know what?

This isn't good for me right now.

But I will come back. Okay.

Much easier job without the people.

You're coming to me for advice?

What is this? One of those Pepsi Challenge type of things?

You go to the competing brand.

It felt strange going to Amaar.

- My dad wants me to marry J.J. - What?

He's an engineer my father hired.

Uh...

- Train engineer or... - The other kind.

It's an arranged marriage type thing.

- Does that mean you have to marry him? - No. It means I could marry him.

It's not unusual for Muslim parents to set their kids up with a potential...

Mate?

It sounds like we're pandas in a zoo.

Okay, so what do you think about this guy?

He is nice.

He's tall.

Um...

Well groomed. He's got good eyebrows.

His teeth are very symmetrical.

- Symmetrical is good. - Yeah.

Okay. I'll tell you what...

What do you say, heads you go through with this marriage,

tails you don't.

Now, when I threw the coin in the air, you wished it was something.

What was it?

I don't remember which was heads and tails.

- Okay, I'll do it again. - No, no. I think I have my answer.

Thank you, Reverend.

How did I do?

If I'm converting to another religion,

Anglicanism has moved up to first on the short list.

I still have the touch.

Second is Scientology.

Let me have my moment.

- Mr. Tupper, I brought you something. - Ooh, is it Cinnabons?

No, it's a new intern.

- Hi. - This is Karen.

Why?

Mr. Tupper, when you get to know people, you start to see them as individuals,

and it starts a process of understanding, which builds bridges between cultures,

which in your line of work is a real bad idea, toots.

She was the best intern I ever had.

Mmm-hmm.

The heck with her.

You know how to make coffee, toots?

Do I?

I don't, actually.

Oh.

- Dad. - I know what you're gonna say.

- I'm sorry about my stupid marriage idea. - No, that's not what I was going to say.

I'm going to try it out.

- What? - Really?

Yeah. I talk a lot about being a Muslim, and marriage is very Muslim.

You see, my idea was great.

- Let's go tell J.J. - Sit!

- Honey, are you sure? - I'm sure.

I mean, I know he's good looking, he's very nice and he's got a good job...

- And he's rich. - He's rich?

- Father's quite wealthy. - But that doesn't matter.

- How wealthy? - Very wealthy.

The question is, will he agree to it?

If he doesn't, I'll push him out of a tree.