Original subtitles

I think I see the problem.

Great. What is it?

The knob won't turn.

I already knew that part.

No problem. I know what to do.

Ah! More of the same. Why didn't I think of that?

Because you are not a professional.

Come on!

Yasir, will your head explode? I just mopped the floor.

This is nothing. You should see me open a jar of olives.

I don't like olives.

That's not the point, Amaar.

Yasir, why don't you go get your toolbox? Or maybe a can of oil?

You know what we call people like you in the business?

Helpful? Logical? Rational? Lucid?

Quitters.

I pour oil on this thing, I might as well just say I give up.

I am no longer a man.

You just don't want to walk to your office and get your toolbox.

That, too. Let me have one more go.

Do you want help back up, or will that make you less of a man?

Help would be good.

And so, the month of Ramadan is truly the holiest time in the Muslim year.

It's about more than just fasting.

Lies, gossip, anger.

All should be avoided.

Which isn't easy when your blood sugar levels are going haywire.

- Assalam alaikum. - Wa alaikum assalam.

Well, well. A good sermon for once.

Yes, I noticed a lot less twitching from your part of the room.

Very appropriate for the people around here.

A rule against lying? Good luck with contracting business.

Well, rule. Anything can sound like a rule if it's taken out of context.

No more gossiping. How will you live?

Oh, please. If you think I gossip, you should...

Mom, that's gossip.

You think talking behind anyone's back is gossip, right?

Yes. Let's go over here.

You know, Baber, there was also something in there about anger.

I wonder who that was aimed at.

Well, let's see who else is coming out, then.

Uh, you do fly off the handle once in a while.

Me? Ridiculous! I am the perfect Muslim.

Did I also mention vanity?

I am not vain. I am not angry. You have not even seen me angry.

You would not like me when I am angry.

It's like this every Ramadan.

- He's like this every day, actually. - Yeah.

You know, I prefer a good detective thriller myself.

Donations are up. I'm thinking of getting new carpet.

Oh, finally, new rugs to pray on.

You know, the old ones are so worn, I scraped my knee.

Well, I would hate to see you retire from Islam because your knees are shot.

Can we get ones like this with lines so when we pray, we're all in a row?

Proper Muslims prefer plain carpets for prayer.

Try saying that six times fast.

Nothing too soft.

They should be coarse enough to abrase the skin.

Okay. We're there to pray, not exfoliate.

You made me lose my place.

Whoa! Guys, guys. Maybe both of you should remember my sermon.

The one I just gave.

Not getting angry, et cetera?

- Oh, yes. Right. - Right. Right. Mm.

Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

Whoever can prove, by their actions, to live up to the lessons

of my Ramadan sermon, so shall they be selected

to buy the new carpet.

"So shall they be selected"? What are you, Charlton Heston now?

You know, I hear they're doing wonderful things with Astroturf these days.

You said you would fix my door.

Didn't I?

If you're holding a piece, you haven't fixed it.

I'm all over it.

Yasir, you have to work on telling the truth.

I'm all over it.

I'm serious. If you're going to get cheap office space,

you have to start acting like an honest Muslim.

Amaar, I appreciate your veiled threats, but a leopard can't change his spots.

It can if it wants cheap office space.

If I ask you if you fixed the door, why not just say "no"?

Just like that? Just say no?

Or say, "No, but I'll get it done by Friday."

Let me ask you this. What if I have never had any intention of fixing your door?

Then just say, "I have no intention to."

I have no intention to.

Wasn't that easy?

Surprisingly, yes.

Great. That aside...

Enough learning for one day.

I went by your office, couldn't find the knob, now you're here.

Don't mind her. She's trying to get on my good side.

I just came by to pray like a good Muslim, like a good carpet-buying Muslim.

I give you a point for praying,

but I'm gonna deduct half a point for that knob joke.

Oh. I have half a point, like most of your sermons.

- Another half point. - Oh.

Do I have to be here for this?

Just came to pray, Brother Amaar. Five times a day is never enough.

Save your breath, Rayyan beat you to it.

This is very interesting, but I have work to do.

Yasir.

None of this is interesting, and I need to take a nap.

Great.

If you want a bite, just ask.

No, I can't eat till after sundown.

Huh? Oh, right. I forgot. You're fasting.

Only been complaining about it a week and a half.

I'm good at tuning you out.

Boy, whole day without food.

What a wonderful, wonderful, spiritual journey.

I'm also supposed to give up one of my character flaws.

Oh. What's your character flaw? Don't tell me, let me guess.

- Lazy. - What? No. How did you get that?

- Selfish? - No.

Disorganized. Clumsy. You're not punctual!

This isn't fun anymore.

Ooh, sensitive. Is it sensitive?

No, I gossip. Okay? I'm a big gossip, and I have to stop.

- You're boring! - No, just gossip.

Ugh!

And you slam doors.

- Ah! Reverend Magee. - Yasir.

You look a little sleepy. Working too hard?

I just woke up from a nap.

Really? I'm surprised.

Actually, I nap quite frequently.

No, no. I mean, I'm surprised you admit it.

It's thanks to Amaar. I'm a new man. No more pretending. No more lying.

Good for you. That's the right path.

Thanks.

And by the way, this sweater? It's awful.

- Too far down the path. - Duly noted.

I'll tell you this about skipping lunch.

It really gives you time to study the Qur'an.

Yeah.

I don't have to study the Qur'an. I've already memorized it.

Sure.

It's not a contest, Baber. Tell him it's not a contest.

Of course it's a contest. It's a whole bloody point.

And who's going to decide this contest?

I am. And who's between me and my food?

You are.

Thank you.

- He was looking at you. - He was not.

Thanks for your advice, Brother Amaar. It's really freed up a lot of time.

People keep missing my point. I really have to improve my sermons.

I'm going to suggest something, even though I know you won't consider it.

Shorter.

- Be serious. - I am.

Maybe anecdotes.

I could show I've gone through the same struggles.

But have you?

You're an Imam. You live a sheltered life.

Okay, get this. Last Ramadan,

I went to give blood and they offered me a cookie,

but I didn't take it because it was Ramadan. But I was tempted.

Go with shorter. Shorter works.

I struggled with temptation.

- I lived in Toronto. - Congratulations.

I used to be a lawyer.

I occasionally smoked.

I had my ears fixed.

- You were deaf? - No.

I had an ear job.

They were...huge.

Really?

When I passed the bar and posed for my law school photo,

everybody laughed.

Ears only a mother could love?

No, she laughed, too.

The point is,

cosmetic surgery is frowned upon by Islam.

Vanity.

Mm-hmm.

Are we talking great, big donkey ears?

That's not the point.

The point is, I was once a hard-living mistake-making machine.

But the ears were really big?

Keep it quiet about the ears.

Who would I tell?

Amaar had an ear job.

Are you serious? I can't wait to tell people at the office.

You said you wouldn't gossip.

I lied. You're the one who can't lie. Not me.

Brother Amaar.

I am making duplicates for your Islamic school.

I'm going to save you time.

Great. Keep up the good work.

Great. Keep up the good work.

This machine is deliberately trying to enrage me.

Okay, okay. I'll get Yasir on it.

Let us weigh the pros and cons.

On one hand, Yasir does not know how to fix the duplicating machine.

On the other hand, he will never do it.

Actually, Yasir has grown a lot this week and you could learn from him.

Me learn from Yasir?

- What is this, upside-down crazy world... - Baber.

...Where flowers grow backwards and ice cubes make the drink warmer?

Okay, I get the idea of upside-down crazy world.

Baber, you're getting angry.

If you get angry, you lose a point.

Fine.

But Rayyan only came to mosque to pray three times yesterday.

That's gossip. You lost another point.

Didn't want the carpets anyway.

You're lying. That's a hat trick!

- Assalam alaikum. - Wa alaikum assalam.

Just here to pray.

She's making up for yesterday. Three-timer.

To deliver a baby.

- Really? And what is this baby's name? - Mm-hmm.

It doesn't have a name yet.

- Oh, how convenient. - Well, if...

Enough you two.

The contest's over.

You two are going to buy the carpet together.

Congratulations. You're the carpet committee.

- I'm chairman. - I'm president.

Okay, I know something really juicy, but I'm not supposed to tell.

It's about somebody you know, that's all I'm saying.

Okay, it's Amaar. The person is Amaar, but that's it.

Something about his past.

What's wrong with you? Can't keep doing this.

- I'm trying to be good for Ramadan. - So plant a tree.

I'm not allowed to gossip, so you have to guess. So, go.

- He has an illegitimate child? - Nope.

- Six toes? - No.

- You're boring. - What?

Look, I can't do this right now.

Have to get back to the Chinese trade delegation.

Who is Amaar?

Morning, Baber. You ready to do a little shopping?

It's Allah the one and only God?

Before we start, I want you to know

I'm sorry we argued, and I am ready to work together.

As am I. I am 200% committed.

That's great.

Not mathematically, but...

Okay, so where do we go first?

Hmm? No idea.

Didn't make a list?

I am chairman. Chairmen do not make lists.

Well, neither do presidents.

- This organization has too many managers. - Let's go get a phone book.

I knew working together was a bad idea.

Okay, Yasir!

I can't take this anymore.

I know you think you've found the perfect scam

that gets you out of doing anything around here, but it's got to stop.

I'm just practicing what you preach.

- Okay. So you're not going to lie, huh? - That's right.

If I were to ask you if you'll fix the door,

- you're going to say... - No.

Okay. But if I were to say you didn't not fix the doorknob, would I be lying?

Uh... Yes.

So if I'm not lying,

but were to ask tomorrow if I was telling the truth...

Okay, I'll do it.

And the photocopier. And my wobbly desk.

I fixed that.

- You stuck a book underneath. - It was a nice book.

If I were to say you hadn't fixed my desk...

Fine. I'll do it.

I did not say, "You need to shut up in there".

I said, "You keep your mouth shut in there".

Well, I will not. Amaar said we should work together.

How about this?

If you let me talk to the man, you can choose the carpets.

Okay. I can live with that.

Providing you pick one that is hard and thin,

and according to my exact specification.

Gotcha. And when I said I'd be quiet in there,

I actually meant I would be doing all the talking.

We finally get somewhere and you move the goal posts.

Well, what are you gonna do? Stand there until you get your way?

Not just stand here,

I am going to put my hands on my hips. Hmm!

Well, then I am going to fold my arms.

Ooh.

Why did you tell me about Amaar's ears?

Because they were really huge. Didn't I make that clear?

Even his mother laughed at him.

My day at work was just like I thought. Kept wanting to tell the mayor.

Plus, I think we lost a trade deal with China.

Look, darling, we're all called upon to improve ourselves.

I've abstained from lying.

Your thing is fun. It gets you out of work.

Mine sucks.

I'm working.

What would you say if I told you I was fixing a doorknob right now?

I'd say you're not supposed to lie.

Can we switch? My hands hurt.

Okay, look, this is stupid.

Amaar thinks that we can't work together. Do you want to prove him right?

I don't know. Are there points for that?

We're here to buy a carpet. Let's buy a carpet.

I know these places from the old country.

The man always talks.

That is so chauvinistic...

Have you ever bought a rug in the old country?

No. Have you?

Yes. October 17, 1987. I have the receipt. Hmm.

Fine. You can do the talking. Just try to stay rational.

Yay. I win.

Well, that didn't last very long.

- Assalam alaikum, Yasir. - Wa alaikum assalam, Amaar.

Wait. You fixed my doorknob.

And painted the steps, and now I'm going to fix your desk.

Wow, you're actually getting more stuff done than I expected.

I feel refreshed after a few days of downtime.

What do you mean? You never do anything.

Yes, but I'm always pretending to and that takes a lot out of me.

I don't believe this.

My sermon worked.

Something in my sermon actually worked. Ha-ha!

Wait, wait. You want your book? Your yearbook?

Your law school yearbook.

Hello, buddy. How am I helping you?

Yes, my humble, unassuming daughter and I are looking for a carpet.

And a very fine carpet you shall have.

Save me your double-talk. We want your finest carpet at your best price.

Of course. We have a very nice one here for 850 bucks.

Sold.

Okay. I'll be right back.

What the heck was that?

- What? - You're supposed to haggle.

Really?

I thought you said you did this all the time.

Yes. In Pakistan, the carpet salesmen knew me by name.

I'll bet they did.

You mean, we could have got it for less?

Oh, don't feel bad. He was slick with the "Here's a carpet" routine.

Okay. What's the big surprise?

Yes, darling. Sorry I made your Ramadan difficult.

I have something for you, and you can even take it home.

Ah-ha!

Oh, my...

Looks like someone glued muffin tops to the sides of his head.

My peace offering to you.

Take it to the mayor. You don't have to tell anyone anything.

- No gossip. I can show everybody. - No, not everybody.

- Assalam alaikum. - Wa alaikum assalam.

Fixed the photocopier?

- Yes. - I'm impressed. 13 points.

Why are you giving me points?

Sorry. Got used to it.

Why are you looking at me that way?

Nothing. Ramadan, hungry. You coming to eat?

Yeah. I just have to photocopy some stuff for Islamic school.

Well, with my job finished, like so many before me,

I will leave this place where I have just been.

He's very hungry.

But, buddy, I thought we had a deal. $850.

We do. I'm sorry.

I have to change the deal.

But I already wrote the receipt.

Oh, well, he wrote the receipt.

We'll pay you $850 for two.

Two?

Why don't you stab me in the heart and steal my wallet?

One-thousand one-hundred bucks.

$875.

I have children to feed.

He has children to feed.

$1,000, two carpets.

- $900. - $900 is so low.

You're hurting his feelings.

Okay. Deal. Don't go away.

How much do you think we should give him for a tip?

Not bad.

You know, I think we've learned that if you take two very different people

and you put them in a situation, you get...

Two people in a situation.

I still think we should have tipped him.

Well, I'm proud of you both. It's the best committee I ever assembled.

- Huh. - Huh?

"Huh"? What is this "Huh"?

Well, it's just that now that I'm seeing these in here...

No. No, the colors don't work. We have to take these back.

- How do I quit this committee? - Follow my lead.

Now, kids, today we're going to discuss the story of the prophet Saleh.

Prophet Saleh, peace be upon him...

Class dismissed.

I see the door still works.

Looks like I didn't need that 24-hour warranty.

Brother Amaar.

Just call me Brother Big Ears. That's what the children are doing.

The children in Qur'an school?

No, all children, actually. Word got around.

I never meant for innocent kids to see that photograph.

It was for Sarah to show around the office.

And possibly to some non-work friends.

Ah! So your motives were pure.

I'm sorry.

Yasir, we're friends. I don't need a present to forgive you.

Is it cool?

Wow!

That is one rocking comb over.

A brief lapse of judgment between '94 and '98.

Well, Yasir, this isn't the same thing.

Dozens of kids saw my photo, but...

I have an idea.

You know, you don't have to do this.

Really, I insist. How are you?

All right. Well, can I have the t-shirt when you're done?

No. I'm going to burn it.

Good idea.