Original subtitles

There you go.

That's it for this week's Teen Quranic Studies class.

Next week we'll be discussing Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him.

A guy so handsome girls couldn't stay away.

Who can tell me what chapter that is? Layla? Which chapter?

Maybe the answer's on the note you just passed your friend.

That's not my note.

Who can tell me which chapter deals with lying?

Okay, jail's out. See you next week.

Hey, no stampeding. You're Muslims, not kids.

Afternoon, Amaar.

- Whatcha got there? - Oh, you know,

notes being passed in class.

"A is so totally hot and smart and sweet. I can't stop thinking about A."

This is terrible.

- What's terrible. - Don't you see?

I'm A.

Argh!

You're a what?

Sheesh! Way to leave a guy hanging.

Ugh, stupid government.

What is the point of having roads if they're always blocked by construction?

- Would someone turn Fred off? - I'm not on the radio, toots.

I know. Could you turn yourself off?

Typical government employee.

You people are why this country's going to the dogs.

You should stop complaining and be more grateful.

Sweetheart, the entire point of being Canadian

is complaining about the government.

That's what made this country great.

You just said it was going to the dogs.

Two separate conversations.

You have no idea how lucky you are. If I were a citizen of this country...

Hold the phone, sister. You're not a citizen?

- No. - Well, then you got no say.

Become a citizen,

then tell me how much I gotta love my country.

Hey, Fred, that's not very nice.

Let her start paying taxes, toots. Then we'll talk.

But I do pay taxes.

Really? That seems like a rip off.

- I need some advice. - Do you have an appointment?

No, this is an emergency.

I'm having 14-year-old girl problems,

and I figure you were one, so you'd understand.

Well, Amaar, when you become a young woman,

you begin to notice certain changes.

No, not those kind of problems.

Layla has a crush on me.

Is this your idea of a joke? Because it's not funny.

Okay, how's this? Knock, knock.

- Who's there? - Layla has a crush on me.

Read this.

Should I tell Baber?

Yeah, tell Baber. Layla will spend the rest of her life in a burqa.

Well, at least she chose a worthy target for her misguided crush.

You do know the teenage brain isn't fully developed, right?

That's right, rockaholics, seminal heavy metal super group,

The Pain Elevators, are back with a reunion tour,

and I just happen to have two tickets to give away.

All you gotta do is call in and answer three very simple questions.

Now, here they are with their 1979 hit Lady Lightning.

Fred, this will be the biggest contest we've ever had.

No one will get my questions in a million years.

Okay, also one of the longest.

Come this afternoon,

these little babies will go unwon and fall to yours truly.

That's not the way it works, Fred. The record labels...

You can have the second ticket.

Time to elevate some pain.

What's wrong with you?

So, why aren't you a citizen?

It's all right. I am proud of my landed immigrant status.

Yeah, but wouldn't you rather be a citizen?

Why? I landed. I am an immigrant. The title is accurate.

Yeah, but all you have to do now is take a test.

Don't you want to join our social fabric, our cultural mosaic?

Canada is a rich mosaic of fabric.

- I don't know. - You get to vote.

- Eh. - You get to do jury duty.

- Jury duty? - Yeah.

The government randomly makes you judge criminals and send them to jail.

You have captured my interest.

- Washing the truck? - Thinking about it.

- No. - Hey, did you hear Fred's show?

Who's he trashing today? Let me guess, Muslims.

No, he's running a trivia contest for Pain Elevator tickets.

- I love that band. - Didn't the lead singer die?

Urban myth. You can't die from fizzy candy.

I'm gonna take a shot at those tickets myself.

You like The Pain Elevators?

- Why not? - You don't seem like a rocker.

Said the man that hosted a three-day bake-sale-athon.

It was pretty hard core. Anyway, I wouldn't count on winning those tickets

because I happen to have every Time Life Record collection ever offered.

Well, I happen to know a thing or two myself.

You didn't know the lead singer is still alive.

Details.

Okay, let's go, study buddy.

If I can get Rayyan into med school, I can get you a passport.

First question...

What kind of snacks should we have?

What are the choices?

We were right to go with a little of everything.

- Why choose? - Yeah.

Oh!

What are you two lovely ladies up to today?

Studying for my citizenship test.

I got out this map to help Fatima study, realized you can play Candy Land on it.

- Sarah is helping you study? - Mmm-hmm.

She makes learning seem easy.

I can imagine.

- Can I have a word with you for a moment? - Yeah, sure.

What are you doing?

- Teaching her to become a citizen. - Of Candy Land?

Flower, you're a great friend,

but as a study buddy, you're a train wreck.

That's not true.

Remember how I used to help Rayyan with flash cards in med school?

That was kindergarten.

- But she passed. - Barely.

It's not your fault.

You're just a person that thinks learning is fun.

Learning is fun.

I bet Fatima doesn't know any more about Canada than she did when you started.

Sarah, we still need to braid each other's hair.

Perhaps, even less.

Well, what's the worst thing they could do, deport her?

- Oh, my God. Will they deport her? - No.

If you want to help, you have to be slightly less fun.

No more Candy Land.

What about Trivial Pursuit? That's Canadian.

- No board games. - Sorry.

- Can we play Sorry? - No.

Now, Layla, it's important to understand that we're not angry.

We're just concerned.

It's perfectly normal to have a crush on an authority figure like Amaar.

You think I have a crush on Amaar?

There's no reason to be embarrassed.

Ew! You're like 40 years old!

But the note...

- Ew. - But...

Ew!

So, who is it then?

You promise not to tell my dad?

He'd send me to work in a glove factory in Pakistan.

- I don't think we can promise that. - We promise.

It's Asif from Quranic Studies.

- The kid who smells like a gas station? - It's called cologne.

- Can I go now? - We'll talk more about this later.

We have to tell Baber.

And ensure she never sees another boy as long as she lives?

There you go, problem solved.

- Do I look 40? - Not really.

All righty, Elevator fans.

This is the moment you've been waiting for.

If you're looking

to get your pain elevated...

...the time to call in is now.

For all the enchiladas, folks, here we go.

First caller, you're on the air.

- Hey, Fred. - Hey there.

Okay, question number one.

The lead singer was famous for biting the head off of what animal?

Well, that's easy, a squirrel.

Yeah, but was it a southern, spotted or flying squirrel?

- Does that matter? - Well, it mattered to the squirrel.

Next caller, you're on the air.

Yes, hello, Fred. That was a trick question.

It was the Spotted Southern Flying Squirrel.

Uh, wow. Hey, you either really know your music or your rodents.

Okay, second question coming at you. Here we go.

What did they call their first tour bus?

Before or after the accident?

Uh...

- After. - The Gate Crasher.

Well done.

Super. Okay.

Third and final question. Here we go.

How many guitars did they smash on their last tour?

- Well? - Hold on. I'm browsing.

- What? - I mean, thinking.

Including the one that they smashed by the bedside of that dying boy, 115.

Did I win?

Yeah, you won the stupid tickets to the stupid show.

Darling, guess what? I just won tickets to...

- Do you have any twos? - Go fish.

I thought we said no games.

Well, you said no board games.

What does Go Fish have to do with Fatima earning her citizenship?

Fishing's big in this country. Can't hurt. Go ahead.

I'm sorry, Fatima. It's time to get serious.

Now, I downloaded some material.

So, we have political figures,

monuments, icons, wars, lakes,

rivers, cities, natives, laws.

And, of course, farming.

- Well, that doesn't seem like much fun. - Exactly.

Anything I don't have to work on?

- How's your immigration law? - I have been an immigrant for years.

Hmm. So it's probably out of date. Never mind. Let's start with a quiz.

Every time you get an answer right, you get to have a cookie.

Fine. We'll go over some easy ones.

What is Canada's national animal?

I'll give you a hint. It's on our money.

On our money. The loon.

No.

- The polar bear. - No.

- The deer. - No.

Hmm...

- The hawk. - No.

- The owl. - No.

- Does the queen count as an animal? - Sure, but no, no, no.

- I give up. - Aw!

Fatima, it's the beaver, like on the nickel.

- I thought that was a mongoose. - That doesn't make sense.

- Why would a mongoose be on a nickel? - How is a beaver any better?

You will never become a citizen with that attitude.

I'm afraid Yasir's right. You better buckle down.

She's spending too much time with her friends.

Yes, and that job of hers is a real distraction.

I did not come here to be lectured. You're treating me like a child.

No, we're not. Sit down, I'll get you some juice.

This is a mistake. Who needs to be a citizen?

- Goodbye. - You didn't win any cookies.

Thank goodness my adopted homeland has supermarkets.

I really think we should tell Baber about this.

Oh, I don't think so.

We can't keep it a secret anymore. We've got to come clean.

It's just a crush.

You don't know that. It could be more.

- Do you think? - I can feel it.

I think you can feel it too.

We should wait, see if it gets serious.

I don't wanna wait.

Astaghfirullah!

There is something inappropriate going on between Rayyan and Amaar.

I think it may be romance. Shh!

Why must you go around spreading rumors?

If someone is falling in love or isn't a citizen,

that is their own business.

Who's not a citizen?

That is none of your business.

Sorry.

I overheard your little chat with Rayyan.

- My little... - The crush.

You're waiting to see how "serious" it gets?

Ah.

What are you thinking? You are an imam.

I'm sorry. I wanted to come and see you first.

It's utterly... You what?

I told Rayyan we shouldn't do anything without your blessing.

That's true, of course.

I get caught up in thinking of you as a member of the mosque.

- I forget to think of you as a father. - It's all right, son.

Okay. Um... The question is, what do we do now?

There must be a wedding as soon as possible.

Wedding. We were thinking more along the lines of breaking it off.

Why? It's a good match.

- She's too young. - She's not that young.

Marriage it must be.

Poor Layla.

Well, enjoy them. This could be their last tour.

I'm surprised they have this one in them. I thought the lead singer was dead.

No, urban myth. He never got spider eggs in his stomach.

You cheated. This game was fixed.

Yeah, it was. But he won it anyway.

He's not hardcore. How'd you get the answers?

It's called the Internet, gentlemen. Welcome to the '90s.

I should never have put up that fan page. Tell him it's against the rules.

Rules. I knew I forgot something in this stupid contest.

The question is, what do I do with the extra ticket?

- You're not taking Sarah? - No.

Why not?

There's another heavy metal concert the same night that she wants to go to.

She's not interested. There's a ticket in play.

Say, uh, Yas, I know

I've said some things about your Muslims in the past,

but people grow.

I'll get you a coffee.

Say, Yas, you know,

when I called you a cheat, I meant that in a good way.

Smart cheat.

But if you don't study with me, you won't pass the test.

All I learned was how to lose at Candy Land.

Oh, so you're not gonna become a citizen because I'm awesome at Candy Land?

No, I just don't want to fill my brain with money animals.

Fine, but if I'm ever arrested, you can't be on my jury.

Well, life goes on.

Yasir, buddy, how's it going?

Fred, so nice to see you, here, in a mosque, for Muslims.

So, whatcha up to, pal?

You know, working in my office.

I always thought that was the life, being a contractor,

building things with bare hands.

I use tools, personally.

Tools.

Yeah, seriously, if you ever need a hand, I am your guy.

I know exactly what you could do.

I was thinking about something more fixer-uppery.

The day is young.

- I gotta get back and do my show. - Really? That's a shame.

Let me get my shammy.

Again, Fred Tupper is unavailable,

so we bring you the very best of Fred Tupper.

Now, this Y2K thing isn't gonna go away, people.

It's coming, and it's gonna change the world.

Hey, Fatima, could you put these in your recycle bin for me?

- Thanks. - What is this?

Oh, it's some invitations for a surprise party

we were gonna throw when you became a citizen.

You were going to throw a party?

Well, not now, obviously.

So I just brought them down to recycle,

and I knew you'd be happy knowing they went back to the Earth.

- Where are you going? - Oh, I've got calls to make.

I've got to cancel the cake and the band. Gee, I hope I get the deposit back.

I've already spent a lot of money on fireworks.

Fine, I will take the test.

Oh, right, your citizenship test. Hey, yeah, why don't you?

I can't believe this.

So Baber's just going to marry her off like cattle?

- Do cattle get married? - You have to talk to him about this.

- I tried to, but he got all... - All angry and Baber-ish?

- Sweet and sentimental. - Oh.

It was scary.

We can't let this happen. Asif and Layla are barely teenagers.

You're right. You're right. We are going to have to talk to him.

We? You're the imam.

Oh, great, every time we get into trouble, I'm the imam.

You know what? Congratulations. I'm appointing you deputy.

- Can you do that? - Saddle up.

- Hey, Yasir. - Reverend.

Getting excited about the big concert?

I don't know. I've been so buried in paperwork.

Oh, that's a shame.

It's amazing how back taxes can get away from you.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It reminds me of the filing parties I had when I was a kid.

- So, I just lather it up? - Oh, yes, please.

Yeah, all right.

- Okay. - There we go.

Ooh.

I'm glad you came to me.

Baber knows a thing or two about matchmaking.

Yes, about that.

We're thinking marriage maybe isn't the way to go here.

It is the only way. We are Muslims.

But it's just a crush. It might not be serious.

You told him?

I'm sorry, we had to.

Wait, you spoke to her first?

Yes, and I said I was sorry.

This is so embarrassing.

There's no need for you to be embarrassed.

- When is the wedding? - What?

- There is no time to waste. - I hate you all!

Don't worry, she's a kid. Who cares what she thinks?

- Baber... - It is a decision for the adults.

It is not up to her.

You have reached a new low here, and we're leaving.

- Rayyan, don't you think... - Saddle up!

Uh-uh! Be careful, my friend. Don't let her wear the pants. No.

Thanks for the tea.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

- Ah! Hello, gentlemen. - Can the sweet talk.

The Rev and I have joined forces.

We're not gonna let you use us anymore.

Call us the Rockers Union, Local 666.

Uh... We talked about that. That's not really appropriate for me.

Oh.

- Here is your bill. - Thank you, Fatima.

Oh, look at this. I have no cash, only these tickets.

- Oh, I can help you cover... - No, I got it.

- No. - I've got enough.

- There's tax on it, I'll cover it. - A new 20.

Did you guys hear the news about The Pain Elevators?

They added an extra show?

- No, the lead singer died. - He's dead?

What was it? Drugs? Drinking? Was it drugs?

Vascular degeneration due to advanced age.

Ew!

Natural causes.

How embarrassing.

Maybe this thing will just die down on its own.

Remind me you said that at Layla's tenth wedding anniversary.

What have you said to my daughter? She won't even talk to me.

It's not our fault.

You cannot marry off a 15-year-old.

Rayyan, maybe you can pass for 20, but let's be serious.

- What? - Wait a minute, what are we talking about?

Amaar and Rayyan and their secret crush.

- Oh, whoa, whoa. - Whoa.

You thought... You thought we were talking about each other?

No, no, we were talking about Layla and Asif.

Who's Asif?

The boy from her Quran class.

- You've talked about this how many times? - Several.

And none of you knew what you were talking about?

No.

It is quite funny when you think about it. You know...

- Who's Asif? Huh? - What?

You're grounded for a week. Come.

Last time I make you my deputy, Deputy.

It's good of you to come, Fred.

Well, there's no concert now.

This swearing-in ceremony is the best show in town.

Our little Fatima. I'm so proud.

Oh!

If he's gonna be a girl, I'm getting different seats.

All this study buddy stuff takes me back to when Rayyan was a little girl.

Helping her with homework, driving her to soccer practice.

- Birthday parties, clarinet practice. - Yes.

- Drama camp. - Yes.

- Thank God, that's over. - Precisely.

So, toots, how's it feel to be a citizen? Any different?

Not really.

A ticket?

Why can't they hold this where there is more parking?

Stupid government!

- Feels good, doesn't it? - Yes, it does.