Original subtitles

Now, when you sweep, the ice melts, the stone goes further.

Curling's more exciting than you thought?

Sadly, that actually is more exciting than I thought.

When you said exercise, I thought you meant something like jogging.

Jogging? Why not just take a sledgehammer to your knees?

Could I? Be more fun than curling.

Well, well, well. A Muslim curling.

What is it with you people and throwing rocks?

Fred has a team called the Fred-Cats.

Fancy themselves pretty good.

Pretty good?

We won the Mercy Bonspiel six years running.

What's the Mercy Bonspiel?

Sudden death elimination, my friendly.

Four teams begin. Only one emerges.

You only have to win two games?

Two games in a row.

Grueling.

Anyway, what do you care?

Curling isn't Muslim. It's like freedom and pork.

You think Muslims can't curl? We can curl.

You gonna back that up?

You say where and when.

Right here. Next month.

That was very specific.

There's an opening in the bonspiel.

If you walk the walk like you talk the talk, we'll see you here.

Fine. We'll be there.

You better get ready because we're gonna bring it.

- Think you can assemble a team? - No idea.

Was there a sale?

I'm sure somewhere.

Okay. What do you think of the shoulder pads? Too...

Jackie Collins?

Jackie who? I do not know this man.

Does Yasir get upset when you spend his money like this?

His money? No, I have my own money.

There is an Islamic tradition...

Oh... Great, another Islamic tradition.

...That a husband must pay for his wife's material needs.

Oh!

Great. Another Islamic tradition.

Of course, not every Muslim follows this rule.

No, no, no, you're on to something here.

It's time for us to become better Muslims.

While we're on the subject, there are many Islamic traditions--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I've been a convert all these years,

how come Yasir never told me this?

Who's to say?

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever thought about getting more exercise?

You don't have much experience talking to women, do you?

No, I don't mean you look fat.

Did I say that you said I looked fat?

No. You don't.

Okay. Glad we cleared that up.

Baber, what about you? You like sports?

Well, I was something of a cricket player in my day.

Dullest game in the world.

How about curling?

Okay, second dullest.

Curling? Is that with the sweaters and the brooms and the--

The fat guys, yeah.

I'm thinking of putting together a team, shake things up at this year's bonspiel.

- Why? - Fun.

Exercise. Integrate with the community.

Fred made fun of me and said Muslims can't curl.

- I'm in. - Great!

There must be a book of this curling. I shall memorize it. Word for word.

No, I thought we'd get together and play.

What's the fun in that?

Uh...

- How about you? - No, I'm--

Great! We'll see you at the ring.

- No, I don't think-- - Wear something warm.

No, I'm not sure I want to play because... It's just not that fun a sport.

Yeah!

So that's why now you have to pay for all my clothes.

Don't you have one just like that?

Well, you have two of lots of things.

I mean, you have two of those.

Those are bookends.

Yasir, I'm glad you're here.

Look, I'm not paying for your clothes, too.

Okay. Actually, I was hoping you'd join my curling team.

Does Islam say I have to?

Islam has very little to say on curling.

Good. Then, no.

I also got some shoes.

But you already have shoes just like that.

These are newer.

Sarah, you must know how to curl.

Just because I'm white,

I must know how to curl, like all white people curl?

Do you know how to curl?

- Well, yes. - Great!

Oh...

I'm going to need more money for a curling outfit.

All right. I came to your little practice.

Let's get this over with.

Can you please be serious? If we get this wrong it'll be humiliating.

If we get this right, it'll be humiliating.

Okay. The object of the game is to take--

Yeah, throw rock into circle. I know.

Don't... No, no, no.

- Yeah. - Have you played this game before?

Never. I was one mean marble champ, though.

Fatima, did you tell Sarah I had to buy all of her clothes?

You do. It's Islamic.

Exactly. She wouldn't have known if you hadn't told her.

You are against spending money on your wife?

I mind wasting it. She buys clothes she already owns.

She doesn't realize, the blazer she bought today,

she owns one, just like it.

So does Jackie Collins.

Jackie Collins?

Some man. So you mean to say if you went through Sarah's closet,

you'd find two of everything.

It's like Noah's Ark in there.

Yes, Pearl's Second hand Shop?

I understand that you buy gently-used clothing.

Well, that was fun.

See you at the bonspiel.

Whoa, whoa. That was just our first practice.

We've got a long way to go.

Honey, one practice is fun. Two, is curling.

Mom, are you kidding?

Baber needs to improve his sweeping, Amaar needs to lean into his throw,

and you lack a basic understanding of the premise of the game.

She was like this with the marbles.

Brother Amaar, I think I have found an irregularity with the hog line.

You weren't kidding about memorizing that manual.

Okay? Can we focus? Now let's talk about our next practice.

We can get some ice time tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.

Did I tell you I came up with a name for the team?

The "Ice Slammers". Do you get it?

"Ice Slammers". Get it.

It's hilarious.

No... it's offensive.

No, no, no, it's hilarious. Yeah.

20 bucks, $1.75.

$3.50.

Total comes to $117.58.

Done.

How'd you like my new sweater? It cost $100.

Here is $117...

And 58-cents.

Thank you.

Islam says, "Jump." I say, "How high?"

Is Edith Bailey wearing my sweater?

I don't know. Who cares? Mom, you go to the other end. Yeah.

Baber, Amaar, you sweep.

Yes, boss.

You sweep like a woman.

That is a sexist thing to say.

- You're admitting you're a woman! - How old are you?

Whoa!

Off! Off! Right off!

- Sweep like a man! - You wanna see some sweeping? Here we go!

Whoa!

What part of "Whoa! Off! Off! Right off! Whoa!" do you not understand?

All of it.

The girl's a good player.

Too bad she's wasted on a team full of crackpots.

Man, my neck does not feel good.

Here, I know a trick.

- No, no, no. Maybe a chiropractor-- - Hang on!

Feel better?

I can't feel my legs.

Now I can feel them.

They hurt!

So listen. Nice... Nice job out there today.

Oh...

Yeah, well, I'm also good at marbles.

That's not going to be enough to beat my team in the final.

If you even make it to the final, you have yet to win your first game.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Do you want to ride in the ambulance with your friend?

No, I'm good. See, I was thinking that...

You sold Sarah's clothes?

Why would you do that?

Teaching her a lesson.

How can you teach her a lesson when she doesn't know you are doing it?

She'll pick it up subconsciously?

Look, every penny I make goes right back to her.

I'm not even taking a commission. I'm doing this for free.

Sarah loves to shop.

This allows me to let her do what she loves to do.

Plus, I get to trick her, which I really enjoy.

It's recycling?

How long are you gonna stare at me like that?

I like to see you sweat.

And then, Fred actually asked me to join his team.

Really? Why would he do that?

I suppose because I'm good at curling?

I basically won the game for you guys today.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

You're a little hard on your teammates. You know the throat clearing, sarcasm,

the hitting me on the back of the knees with a broom handle.

You were in the way.

Look, you said you wanted to beat Fred Tupper,

and now I'm the only one who's taking the game seriously.

It's curling. Why would anyone take it seriously?

You have to be competitive.

- I'm competitive. - I'm twice as competitive as you are.

As my father used to say,

there's winning on the scoreboard, and there's winning at the game of life.

I'm guessing he doesn't have a very big trophy case.

Okay, given the choice between winning and being miserable

and losing and having fun, I'd rather lose and have fun.

It looks like you're in for a world of fun then,

because I'm joining Fred's team.

- What? - Is that my mom's summer coat?

All right, let's move out there, ladies... and Rayyan.

Joe, last time you looked like you had arthritis.

I do have arthritis.

Cortisone shots. Come see me after practice.

What is this? A walk-in clinic? Should I be handing out lollipops?

I like the yellow lollipop.

Really? Who likes the yellow ones?

All right, now here is how it's gonna go down.

Now, Mac, I want you to throw first.

Can I make a suggestion?

I think a better strategy would be if Joe--

Whoa! Sweetheart, this isn't Muslim land. All right? I'm calling the shots.

I was just giving a second opinion.

I get chickenpox, I'll call you for a second opinion.

Why would you need a second opinion if you got the chickenpox?

Yeah, you can't miss 'em.

Chuckle heads! Zip it.

Now, then, the approach is the most important part of this game.

I feel like somebody punched me in the stomach.

Did you have the shrimp?

I can't believe Rayyan is doing this.

We're going to have to play the finals without her.

We have to play against her without her.

It's the marble thing again. One day I bought her a bag of marbles,

the next day she had another kid's marbles and then another kid's marbles,

- and pretty soon... - ...She had all the marbles.

Thanks for spoiling my story.

Seriously, did you have the shrimp?

Because I am thinking of ordering it.

All right, ladies, try to follow along.

Why do you have to be so condescending?

I was talking to the ladies.

All right, that's it!

You know, there's no easy way to say this, but we were talking earlier,

we want Rayyan to take over the team.

Actually, that was easy to say.

I am not playing under Rayyan.

Yeah, well, that brings us to the second part.

We want you off the team!

You can't have the Fred-Cats without Fred.

Well, we changed the name.

Dairy Farmers, they know their curling.

Thus the expression, "like a dairy farmer on a curling rink."

Let's curl.

Hurry! Hurry!

Hard! Off!

Yeah!

Well, she's good, all right.

Of course, she's a danger to herself and everyone around her.

- Remember what happened back in '82? - Falklands War?

Catholic Curling League, nun got her habit wrapped in her broom.

Pretty ugly.

That's not a nice thing to say about a nun.

I meant the accident.

Right here, you got the same situation.

With who?

Her! Henrietta Headscarf down there.

She's a nun?

I am surrounded by idiots.

You don't have to shop in here. It's used.

I hear they've got great stuff. It'll save you money.

Money's no object. Let's go elsewhere.

Wait a minute, this blouse, I love it. Will you buy it for me.

Nice choice. It's got your name all over it.

Thanks. Good.

It's literally got her name on it.

I'll cut the tag out.

Thank you.

So you won the game, but they banned you from the tournament?

For wearing the hijab.

That is ridiculous. What reasons could there possibly be?

None. Something about a nun.

Fred Tupper. I hate that man!

He's banned from the restaurant...

- Good. - ...For one day!

This town is not that big.

We can't let Fred win. Not like this.

Well, you guys aren't going to win. Not without some kind of ringer.

Then I guess we need to get ourselves a ringer.

Hi. I'm three-time World Curling Champ Glenn Howard.

Nah! Let's get somebody we know.

I swore I'd never be in a bonspiel.

Nobody wants to be in a bonspiel.

It's something that happens to you.

You don't understand.

It was ten years ago.

I was the skip in the big bonspiel.

Had quite a throw.

Real wind up.

Little did I know, some poor kid was passing right behind me.

Never saw it coming. Went down like a bag of hammers.

Poor little guy.

Couldn't have been more than 31, 32.

Weirdness aside, would you do it for Rayyan?

Fred got her kicked out because of wearing hijab.

Fred kicked her off your team?

Well, Fred kind of got her kicked off his own team.

Rayyan was on Fred's team?

Well, Fred wasn't on it anymore.

- He got kicked out because-- - Okay, okay, okay.

Short version is fine.

I'm in.

I knew you'd come crawling back to me.

You came to us.

Yeah, but I wasn't crawling.

- It's been a long road to the finals. - Yeah.

We won the first game and now we're here.

And we didn't come here to lose.

- By the way, Duncan's joining the team. - Hey!

What're the odds we'd even get this far, huh?

Fifty-fifty.

We're not the Ice Slammers for nothing.

We're going to win this for Rayyan.

The one who left us twisting in the wind.

Hooray!

- Ice Slammers! - Ice Slammers!

May the best man win.

How about a friendly little wager?

If we win, the Ice Slammers hang up their brooms forever.

Gee! No more curling. What if we win?

I'll buy you a unicorn.

That way you can get around Fairy Gumdrop Land more easily.

Don't say anything bad about Muslims on the radio?

That's my whole show.

For a week then?

Deal!

Off, off, off!

- Off! - Relax!

Yes!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Off! Off!

Who's your daddy?

Yeah!

This shot can win the game.

We'll show Fred Muslims can curl!

But I'm Anglican.

Let me have my moment.

Hey, Magee.

Listen, however things turn out, nice to have you back on the ice.

Well, thank you, Fred.

By the way, remember ten years ago when you knocked over that kid?

He's over there.

No! Timmy.

I think his name is Dan.

Can you take your shot? We got the peewee league coming in.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Yeah!

This shot doesn't count!

He let it go past the hog line.

Fred-Cats win!

Why wouldn't they go with me?

We won! Muslims can't curl.

It's not our fault. He's Anglican.

Just a minute.

The hard line is two-inches too close to the backboard!

According to page 178 of the Curling Manual,

it should be exactly 37-feet. No more, no less.

Wait a minute!

Are you telling me that these lines have been painted wrong all these years?

You care to check yourself?

No, no. I trust you.

Hey, the throw was good!

- Ice Slammers win! - Yeah!

Why?

Memorization is the key to winning!

Yes, yes!

What the heck is a 'Fred-Cat' anyway?

I've always loved you in that sweater.

No, this is a new sweater. You must love me in something else.

No, no. I would remember.

I'm not crazy about most of your wardrobe.

This is a new one. The old one had a hole under the right arm.

Just like that one.

Darling?

Have you seen my... everything?

Gee, honey, I haven't the foggiest.

Try Pearl's secondhand. They've got some great bargains.

You sold my entire wardrobe?

No, not everything. There's still some stuff in the basement.

Folks, I made a promise the other day.

I promised not to say anything nasty about your Muslims on this show.

Now, I'm a man of my word. So, today, stay tuned for a repeat program.

This is the Best of Fred Tupper.

It's a show from last week.

Topic, "Things I don't like about Muslims."

Well, it was worth a shot.

It's good we didn't know each other when we were kids,

because I could play marbles with the best of them.

Is that right?

Well, you know, I do still have my collection.

I could break it out. We could...

Don't ask.

Could I have a... coffee, please?

Hello. How are you?