Original subtitles

- Assalamu alaikum, Dad. - Walaikum assalam, beautiful.

Gearing up for New Year's Eve?

- We don't do anything New Year's Eve. - Makes it easy to gear up.

What's that?

It's a check for $1 million.

Usually when people say that, they're a little more upbeat.

I wrote it to myself five years ago. It's dated for tomorrow.

It's a promise to myself that by now I'd have a yacht, a powerboat, a jet ski.

You know we live in the prairies, right?

I was also going to buy myself a lake.

I just thought I'd be further ahead by now.

Aw, Dad.

I'm gonna write you a check for a million hugs.

Hugs better be a foreign currency

I've never heard of.

You know what would cheer you up? A party.

Amaar, what are you doing tonight?

Wanna come to a New Year's Eve party?

New Year's Eve isn't really a big Islamic holiday.

Okay, not a New Year's Eve party.

Just a dinner party that happens to take place on New Year's Eve.

- Interesting distinction. - Oh,

there's nothing in Islam that forbids socializing on the last day of December.

Actually, in the Islamic calendar, there is no last day of December.

There you go. It'll be like it never happened.

Do I have bring anything?

Oh.

- No. - Oh, okay then.

'Cause you weren't really invited.

Oh, well. The more the merrier, right?

I don't think it works that way with Baber, but...

I'm free New Year's Eve.

Oh, would you like to come?

Oh, have to check my calendar.

- You just said you were free. - Oh, right.

I'm no good at being coy.

Okay, so it's a party then. Do you feel better, Dad?

Well, as long as each person brings $333,000,

we should be set.

- Oopsies. Hi. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, Sarah. Thanks for the invite.

Ann, that's so nice of you. But you know we don't drink.

I know. Do you have an opener?

What is a catamaran?

It's a type of watercraft. The point is, I'm depressed.

Look, it's natural at this time of year to look back, take stock.

Realize you're a miserable failure.

You shouldn't get into the greeting card business.

The point is, I had a five-year plan.

And my five-year plan backfired.

Sweetie, no one can predict what's gonna happen in five years.

It's true. Five years ago tonight,

I wouldn't have believed I would've become imam of Mercy Mosque.

I still choose not to believe it.

I love you too, Baber.

So what were you doing five years ago, Amaar?

Believe it or not, I was still living at home.

What's wrong with living at home?

Nothing. It's just that I was living under my parents' thumb.

Their giant meddling thumb.

So, what time you coming home tonight?

I'm not. I'm going to a New Year's Eve benefit with guys from the firm.

Networking. He's a lawyer now. He's got to get ahead.

What does he need to network for? You own the firm.

That's true. Do what your mother says.

- Mom, I have to go to this... - PB, you are coming home.

Wait.

What does "PB" stand for?

- What? - You said she called you PB.

Oh, it's just a pet name I had when I was a kid.

That stood for...

Pretty Boy.

But I was an adult by then. They didn't call me that.

PB, you're coming home tonight.

Oh, leave PB alone. PB is an adult.

PB can do what PB wants to do. Pass the eggs, PB.

You are coming home. We have a surprise.

- Don't tell him. It ruins the surprise. - What surprise?

It doesn't ruin the surprise if he doesn't know.

Yes, but now he's expecting it. That's not a surprise.

What's not a surprise?

Never mind. It's a surprise.

Were you a good lawyer, PB?

Please don't call me that. And, yes, I was.

But even as I kept up with the fast-paced world of law,

somehow I knew I was on the wrong path.

Amaar? Amaar. Amaar.

Oh.

Hey. Anita.

Are you all right?

Are you going to the benefit? I heard the Prime Minister will be there.

I don't think I can make it.

Aw, come on. Sure I can't talk you into it?

Well...

Maybe.

Hey. Get away from my legal assistant.

Morning, Ali. Are you going to the benefit tonight?

Head table.

- You're sitting with the Prime Minister? - We are sitting with the Prime Minister.

Awesome.

Prime Minister, huh?

Yeah. You go to one G8 summit with the guy and now he always wants to hang.

Yeah. I got the same problem.

Except instead of the Prime Minister, it's my dad.

And instead of G8, it's Costco.

Poor Amaar. Poor, poor Amaar.

- You know, Ali, just once I'd like to... - Be half the ladies' man I am?

I was going to say punch you in the kidney, but yeah.

By the time I got home, I'd forgotten all about the...

Surprise!

What's this?

New Year's Eve party.

Does the sign give it away?

No, I mean, I wasn't expecting quite anything like this.

Yes. Normally, we watch Dick Clark with your cousins, but this year,

we thought we'd do something different.

Different is good.

You bet.

Wait a minute.

They were all women?

Pretty much.

It was something.

That's not what happened.

Well, your story's boring. I'm just trying to spice it up.

There were 15 women there and me.

At first, it was great.

I was the center of attention.

But pretty soon, I started feeling less like the guest of honor

and more like the main course.

Excuse me.

Mom, what are these women doing here?

Oh, you noticed the women.

Noticed? I feel like a chew toy in a dog show.

Did one bite you?

Choose carefully. One will be your bride.

That's funny. I though you said "bride," when you meant

"girl with whom to have polite conversation."

First, you pass the bar and then you get married.

No point dilly-dallying.

No. I like dilly-dallying. Let's dilly-dally.

These girls come from good families, proper backgrounds.

This was not easy for me to arrange.

- I found the banner. - Your father found the banner.

- I'm not arguing with the banner. - Thank you.

- I'm just saying, I'm not ready to... - Ah!

- Relax. Mingle. - Yeah.

We're not asking you to pick a bride tonight.

Remember your favorites.

We'll choose one tomorrow.

First law. Now marriage. It was time to stand up to my mom.

Which I didn't have guts to do, so I went to plan B.

Excuse me.

Ali.

Hey, guess what? They got a magician performing.

Me and the Prime Minister are going to assist.

What's the trick?

I don't know. Something with a snake and baby mice.

You sure the mice aren't just food for the snake?

No, no. They're probably...

Yeah, snake food. Ugh.

Anyway. Blow it off.

I got something better.

Sorry, Mom.

Looks like it's not gonna work out.

Well played, PB.

But you can't run forever.

God, I wish I were young again.

You see, it makes things better.

So you dodged a bullet.

Not really.

Next morning, Mom picked a girl. We were engaged for a year.

Pass the corn.

You were engaged?

Pass the corn.

You should be thankful you were not me that night.

I'm thankful I'm not you every night.

Am I allowed to tell a story too or not?

Okay, what happened to you, Baber?

Yes, yes. Calm down, everyone. I will tell you.

It was five years ago. I just moved to Mercy.

Muslims, huh? Oh, I guess I can talk about Muslims on my show.

I just don't know what angle to take. You know, am I for you or against you?

Hello, everyone. I am Baber.

I've made my decision.

Sorry.

Don't worry about him.

- Are you the man who ordered the takeout? - Yes.

I was told a good Muslim sister ran this diner. I am Baber.

- I am the good Muslim sister. - Oh.

Chicken korma and naan. Yummy. My wife will love it.

You and your wife are new to town?

We're separated. She lives in Vancouver.

Perhaps I should double bag the food.

No, she's coming to visit this evening. Inshallah, she wants me back.

I will say a prayer for you.

By the way, does this town have a mosque?

That is a good idea.

And when we get one, the imam should be you.

Not some fancy pantsy lawyer from Toronto.

- Well, I mean... - No, it's true.

A liberal, beardless imam from Toronto would be a disaster.

Baber, we get it.

Move along.

That's the way I remember it.

Anyway...

I wanted everything to be just right for Simina's arrival.

So I ordered furniture for my new home.

What do you mean I ordered patio furniture?

I ordered by the numbers.

- P258. P342. - P stands for patio.

How was I supposed to know that P stands for patio?

- What else would it stand for? - I don't know.

Pleasing. Pleasant. I can't decipher your codes.

Well, I'm sorry, sir...

Oh! Astaghfirullah! She's here.

Argh!

Simina!

Still not wearing the hijab.

And you still have not let it go.

Let me ask you this.

Who is this man?

Okay, calm down, Baber.

Oh, how lovely. "Hello, Baber.

"Thank you for doing so much work for my arrival."

"Meet the man who is here to replace you."

"And did I tell you that he is a young, handsome non-Muslim infidel?"

Baber, this is my cab driver. I didn't have any cash.

I see.

Sorry for calling you handsome.

Well, wonderful start.

And that is why I hate snow tires.

You were supposed to be telling us about dinner with your ex-wife.

New Year's Eve? Five years ago?

Ah. Yes, yes. Ugh, very stressful.

Oh, Baber.

If the alimony's too steep, we can discuss it.

I just moved in two weeks ago.

There was a mix up with the delivery company.

Okay, relax. I believe you.

Seriously, though. Baber, we can arrange something.

- Did you come here to talk about alimony? - No, no. Of course not.

Oh, but I'm hungry. Can we eat?

Yeah. Sit, sit, sit. I'll bring it out.

Maybe we can take the umbrella down.

Ah! Such a lovely evening in here.

You still not have lost your sense of humor.

Oh, how I miss your jokes and your jibes and the remarks that cut me to the bone.

Cake for dinner.

All the food groups.

I apologize about the cab driver.

I thought you'd met another man and were getting married.

I've met another man and we're getting married.

I knew it! Who is he?

How could you do this to me? How long has this been going on?

You want the answer to your questions or will you keep babbling like an idiot?

I am perfectly capable of doing both.

Baber, I'm in love with this new man, and I'm moving with him to Pakistan.

Pakistan? This is your news?

And I suppose you'll be taking our daughter with you,

you child-napping re-marrier you.

My news, you buffoon, was I wanted Layla to come live with you.

Oh.

My new husband's job has us traveling so much,

and I want Layla to have a stable home.

That would be lovely.

Well, it's not happening now, Baber. Look how you live. You have no furniture.

This is top-of-the-line patio furniture.

Your clothes, they're ripped.

That's because of this crappy patio furniture.

You serve cake for dinner.

It's the last time I'm going to that diner.

A girl needs the right environment. I have to do what's right for Layla.

Excuse me, I need to use the washroom.

Unless your toilet hasn't been delivered yet.

It's upstairs.

You have to jiggle the handle when you're finished.

I haven't gotten around to fixing it.

Of course, in the end,

- Simina changed her mind. - Aw!

- How did you pull that off? - I think it's pretty obvious.

- So you don't know. - No.

This is all very enlightening,

but it doesn't give me the $1 million that I was supposed to have in 20 minutes.

Why did you write that silly check to yourself anyway?

- Come to think of it, I don't remember. - Wait a minute, I remember.

I was with you that night.

It was when I was home from med school

- on a holiday break. - Oh.

Back then, I used to pick up a few shifts at Fatima's whenever I came home.

- Well, what do you think? - Oh, I don't know, Fatima.

It's just not for me.

Maybe someday.

You're one of those Muslims too, huh? A lot of you people moving into town.

Well, maybe you should talk about it on your show, Mr. Tupper.

I guess. What would I say?

Oh, my gosh, Rayyan? I haven't seen you since high school.

- Come on, come on. Hugs. Hugs. - Uh... Oh.

So, how are things?

Um...

Same. Rick's the same.

Parents are the same. Nothing ever changes.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Why? It's awesome.

Hey, you have to come to my New Year's party.

There will tons of people from our old crowd.

Oh, I didn't realize I was in the old crowd.

Oh, my God, that's so not true. So you'll come?

Yeah, I'd like to.

Awesome, oh, and don't worry,

there will be plenty of non-alcoholic drinks

because, you know, the whole "Muslim" Muslim thing.

Yeah, I'm aware of the whole "Muslim" Muslim thing.

Cool. I'll call you.

- Okay. - Okay. Ciao, bella.

Oh, my God, can you believe that? I'm going to one of Sandy Sharp's parties.

Let us celebrate.

- By bagging up the take-out orders. - Oh, right.

Two chicken kormas

and

one cake.

Hmm...

I have no idea what to wear tonight. Can I go early?

After the rush dies down.

So now?

- All right. Run along. - You're the best, Fatima.

- Here's your cake, Mr. Tupper. - Oh, thanks, toots.

And remember what I told you. Muslims, good topic for a show.

Muslims, huh? I guess I can talk about Muslims on the show.

I just don't know what angle to take. You know, am I for you or against you?

Mom, are you and Dad still going to that party at the Cowans'?

- Yeah. - Okay, ask me if I want to tag along.

- What, why? - Just ask me.

- Do you want to tag along? - I can't. I have plans!

You already told me that this morning.

Mom, you're ruining my moment.

- Sorry, sorry. What are your plans? - Sandy Sharp invited me to her party.

Who's Sandy Sharp?

The girl who flushed my socks down the toilet in grade nine gym.

The one who crazy glued my face to her locker.

The one who laughed at me when I went to prom without a date.

Gee, I can see why you'd want to usher in the New Year with her.

Yas, you almost ready? We're gonna be late for the Cowans.

- You're not dressed. - I'm not naked.

- What's wrong, Dad? - Look at that.

Five years ago, I wrote myself a post-dated check for $500,000.

Oh, I think that's gonna bounce.

I was supposed to own a kayak, a row boat...

- We live in the prairie. - I was gonna buy myself a pond.

Why don't you write yourself a check for a full million

and post-date it for five years from now?

Darling, you're brilliant!

You just doubled my money.

Oh, don't answer it! I don't want to seem too eager.

Those are the kids who made fun of you in high school.

- I know. I want to impress them. - And you will. Because you're cool.

Says the man in socks and sandals. Please get dressed.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Sandy. What's up?

- What's that, darling? - Directions to Sandy's house.

Oh, my gosh, where does she live?

Kate's house, Dave's house and Jennifer's house.

You are the little party hopper.

No, these are the people to pick up on my way there

and the times they're all supposed to be home by.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, Sandy obviously just invited me so I would be the designated driver

because she knows I'm a Muslim and I don't drink.

Oh, honey, I'm sure that's not true.

You should've seen her in high school. Five years ago today, I was going...

Darling, nobody's interested

- in a story about five years ago. - Yeah.

Well, anyway, I thought she'd changed.

In retrospect, I should've been tipped off when she said she hadn't changed.

Oh, I'm sure you're misreading this.

Nobody's gonna invite you to a party to be designated driver.

That is ridiculous.

I hate to interrupt, but we'll be late for the Cowans.

Oh, we have 15 minutes.

Yes, but we have to pick up the Douglases, the Morgans and the Sheridans.

This was way more fun than going out anyway.

Oh, I agree.

Technically, in the Islamic calendar, there is no December 31st.

- Really? I didn't know that. - Mmm-hmm.

And this just in,

the Prime Minister is recovering after receiving a snake bite

during a magic trick gone wrong at a New Year's Eve party in Toronto.

Toronto.

What do they get up to in that city?

Oh, my gosh, it's almost midnight. Should we turn on the TV?

Remember, it's not a New Year's Eve dinner.

Just a dinner on New Year's Eve.

You know, Sarah,

technically, in the Islamic calendar, there is no December 31st.

Really? See, I didn't know that.

Well, happy not New Year's Eve to everyone anyway.

Hear, hear!

What? I'm not Muslim.

Oh! Switching colors.

It's not good.

- What a fun night. So many friends. - So many dishes.

If we had $1 million, we could pay someone to do this.

Or you could fix the dishwasher.

Stop moping.

You've got health, you've got safety and comfort,

and you spent last night in a house full of people who love you.

You're right, darling.

That's much more important than $1 million.

- Yeah. - Dad?

I have something for you.

Is it $1 million?

Better. $10 million dollars.

All you have to do is sign your name.

Brilliant! This will really motivate me.

Five years from now, we will have our own swimming pool.

- Huh? - On the back of a luxury yacht.

This may not be

the first day of our year, but it is the first day of the rest of my life.

- Where are you going? - Nap.

Oh, wait. First, can you get the mayor off our couch?

Water, please.