Original subtitles

Have you seen the Hutchinson's Christmas display?

Those cheap plastic reindeers aren't cheap.

Darling, how long have you been Muslim?

You've spent more Christmases missing Christmas

than you've had actual Christmases.

Oh, I just miss it.

Sleigh rides, the wassailing, the figgy pudding.

Did you really do those things or are you just remembering song lyrics?

Oh, I remember I liked it anyway.

Eid al-Adha is coming up. That's fun.

Big Muslim festival, we all have dinner.

- Big deal, I eat dinner every day. - Yeah, but this is dinner at the mosque.

That doesn't exactly fun it up, sweetie.

Well, Eid falls so close to Christmas this year,

maybe we could put up a few extra decorations,

add some holiday spirit.

Decorations are bad.

There's nothing un-Islamic about decoration.

I know, I just hate putting them up.

Well, do you think Fatima would let us? She's pretty protective of her Eid dinner.

Yeah, it'll be fine.

Good idea, honey. This is going to be the best Eid ever.

You know what, I am going to whip up a batch of figgy pudding.

Do we have any stale bread in the house?

I'm already nostalgic for when she was nostalgic.

Now, Dad, I'm gonna tell you something. I don't want you to get mad.

Why do you assume I'm going to get mad when you tell me things?

There's been a precedent.

Anyway, there's a show at our school,

and they picked me to do a dramatic reading.

Layla, I'm so proud of you! What are you reading from?

Oh, some old book by Charles Dickens, A Something Carol.

Astaghfirullah! A Christmas Carol?

You know, could be. It's a Christmas show, so that would make sense. Well, bye.

Layla.

You are a Muslim.

There are no Muslims in A Christmas Carol!

Are you sure? I mean, I think there might be a couple in the crowd scenes.

Enough. I am putting a stop to this.

I'm supposed to back out because my dad won't let me?

What could be more embarrassing?

I am coming to your school to talk to your principal.

And it just got more embarrassing.

By the way, Amaar, I was looking at your calendar and I noticed a problem.

Yeah, "Woonsday." It's a typo, I know.

No, not that. It's your Eid dinner.

It's the same night as the Anglican choir Christmas-time Ring-Ding-A-Sing-Along.

The what?

It's very popular. There won't be enough parking.

We're in the middle of the prairies. It's all parking.

You try hobbling down an unpaved street with a bad hip in minus 20 wind chill.

Look, I don't see the problem.

The lot has 30 spaces. My people won't take more than 20.

Amaar, I may not get the turnout I used to get,

but I can pack 'em in for the holidays.

You're just gonna have to reschedule your thingy.

Look, it's not a thingy. It's Eid al-Adha, the Islamic Festival of Sacrifice.

It's a tradition that stretches over one,000 years.

Can you change it?

It's on the same night as Ring-Ding-A-Sing-Along.

Look, I don't wanna disparage your Sing-Along-Dingle-Fest.

Ring-Ding-A-Sing-Along. How many times do I have to say it?

We're not moving Eid.

Well, I don't wanna disparage Eid, but it's our parking lot.

You don't mess with Christmas.

Yeah? Well, you don't fuss with Eid.

- Fuss? - All right, that wasn't very good.

But I'm not backing down.

So, Mom and I were thinking,

to make this year's Eid dinner more fun, maybe we'd have some decorations.

- Yes. - But we've always had decorations.

Oh! Look, a chain of hoops made of gold construction paper.

Correction.

Two chains of hoops made from gold construction paper.

Oh. Pretty.

We were thinking this year maybe we could do more.

Some garlands and tinsel and strings of lights.

- But what about my hoops? - Oh, yes, the hoops are integral.

The hoops give us a link between the old and the better.

- The new. - The hoops are good.

Yeah.

Mr. Bowman,

I am not comfortable with my daughter being in a Christmas show.

Well, it's a "holiday show," and all faiths are welcome.

So, I supposed you'd let her be in a show

telling the story of the Islamic festival of Eid?

Oh.

That would be wonderful! Would you do that?

No!

And I could appear in it with her.

- Oh, even better. - Oh, no, this isn't happening.

- Mr. Bowman, is it happening? - Mr. Siddiqui, welcome to the show.

What am I supposed to do now? Tell everyone to walk to Eid dinner?

Here's what I can do to help. I'll stay home.

- Huh? - One less car to park.

You don't wanna come to Eid?

It's not that I don't wanna come to Eid, it's that I don't want to come.

Are you going to Sing-A-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong?

No.

I'm trying to avoid Boutros.

- Boutros? - Yes.

He's another contractor in town. He only comes to mosque for Eid.

Every year, he corners me and talks my ear off.

- Does he drive a car? - Yes.

I don't like him either.

Look, if you want to get somewhere with Magee,

you have to find a way to get on his good side.

You think?

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Ah.

Now we just gotta figure out what's honey to Magee.

I think I know.

Oh, honey.

Gee, thanks, Amaar.

You know, I think I might've been a little hasty with the parking lot.

- We can split it. - That's very big of you.

We can spare five spots.

Five? What good is that gonna do us?

I didn't say "down the middle." Take it or leave it.

I see. Your way or the highway.

I wouldn't recommend parking on the highway.

Why don't we just throw it open? First come, first serve.

First Eid, year 600. First Christmas, year one.

First come, first serve. Ah!

- So, excited about the show? - I'm mortified.

I sense excitement. We have to work on your acting.

- Dad. - Hear me out.

It is just a short play telling the story of Eid,

when Allah asked the Prophet Ibrahim, peace be upon him,

to sacrifice his only son. Hmm?

Poor kid. Was his dad gonna do it in front of the entire school?

Be serious. I wrote a script.

So, what? I play Prophet Abraham and you're Allah?

Of course not.

Islamic law forbids the direct portrayal of Allah and the Prophets.

Oh, well. Back to Charles Dickens.

Nonsense.

We will play people who claim to have heard

what Allah and the Prophet Ibrahim have said.

Can you play someone who claims to have heard

what my character said so I don't have to be in it?

Christians really have to buy all this stuff?

Thank God we're Muslim.

- We should get spray-on snow. - But, Mom, there'll be real snow.

- I know, but this is pink. - Okay, good point.

Hey, why do I know this?

Oh, that's Slappy, the elf with the eyepatch.

It's one of those TV specials they show every year.

I used to let you watch it when you were a kid.

- Can I get it? - Sure.

Now, do we want the lights that light up sequentially

or the ones that light up in sequence?

Um, I don't really know...

You're right, let's get both.

Okay, okay. You know what, that's enough. That's enough. Okay.

And one of these.

Don't be nervous. It is just a rehearsal.

Not nervous. Still mortified.

Now, it is important that the audience know you are not playing a prophet.

So... ...you will be playing a character called Not A Prophet.

Now, let's break our legs!

I just heard from a town merchant who overheard

that Ibrahim has been asked by Allah to sacrifice his son Ishmael.

That is the most astounding thing I've heard indirectly,

through word of mouth, disseminated by ordinary townspeople, all day!

I need to talk to the principal, Dad.

Don't call me "dad".

I like to stay in character.

Mr. Bowman, what do you think so far?

It's a lot like Star Wars, isn't it? If you don't get to see Darth Vader.

Any suggestions?

Yeah, I'd keep it short.

This is so great.

Reminds me of Christmas when I was a little girl.

Are we double-booked?

Is there a Christmas party in here?

No these are Eid decorations.

You said they'd be tasteful.

I don't remember saying "tasteful."

What about my rings? My cardboard rings?

The rings felt a little over the top.

Well, there's too much clutter.

With this snowman here.

There's no room for the buffet table.

Do we really need a buffet table?

You could stay in the kitchen and spoon it out from there.

That's it. I quit!

You can't quit.

- Who's gonna cook? - Yeah.

That's your problem.

I will have my own dinner at my cafe

and you can have yours here in Christmastown.

The fighting reminds me of Christmas when I was a little girl, too.

Can't believe Magee's taking such a hard line on this parking thing.

- He's being a real... - Hard Line Charlie?

Sure.

Who thought bringing Muslims and Christians together leads to conflict?

Well, it does bring out the worst in people.

- Christmas? - Parking.

At least I know when they get there, the food will be great.

How's the food coming along?

Oh, you should see the decorations that Mom and I bought, really fun.

What about the food?

We bought these lights, they light up sequentially in sequence.

- What about the food? - And these candles.

- When you light them, they... - Turn into food?

- I'm working on the food, okay? - I thought Fatima was working on the food.

I am. For my Eid dinner at my cafe.

The dinner's happening at the cafe?

That's great. There's lots of parking here.

Except no one's going to her dinner because they're coming to ours.

There's two dinners?

Well, no one is going to your dinner,

when they find out I am serving... ...fresh lamb.

Why are there two dinners?

Oh, yeah? Well, we are serving

our famous turkey chili.

You have a famous turkey chili?

- Oh, we will. - Heh!

Can someone please tell me why we're having two dinners?

Wow, that's a lot of lamb.

That's a big order. Thank you for your business.

- You're welcome. - I can't do it.

What?

My suppliers are down for the holidays.

All I need it 55 pounds of lamb!

When you need 55 pounds, you don't need lamb. You need a lamb.

Talk to a farmer.

Sure hate to see little Dolores go.

Please, don't tell me its name.

Come back later, I'll have her butchered for you.

Wait, it has to be halal.

What's halal?

The animal must be killed according to

the precise rules as set down by Islamic law.

- First, you must... - Yeah, wait. That sounds too difficult.

I'm not gonna do that.

Never mind, I will do it.

- Fine, I'll get the axe. - Wait.

I must do it after sundown.

Your religion's got a lot of rules.

No, I just don't want to do it right now.

Can you make it stop looking at me?

No.

- What's in the bag? - Props.

And...

Here is your costume.

Uh, you know, I was thinking, Dad.

I found another passage in that Dickens book,

one that works for all religions. You'll like it.

You have the pre-show jitters.

Your Not A Prophet will steal the show.

- Pull it down, I can't see your face. - That's the general idea.

And now, there's two Eid dinners.

Well, well, well.

Fifty percent less chance of Boutros. I like it.

Mm.

- How's your parking problem? - Terrible.

- Haven't gotten anywhere with Magee. - You've tried demanding?

- Yup. - You've tried gifts?

You only have one option left.

- Begging. - Begging?

You have to completely lower yourself to the most pitiable level of humiliation.

He has to be disgusted to look at you.

Take it from me. I'm a contractor, it works great.

Well...

I can beg.

Come on, stop being such a big jerk.

Your begging needs work.

Amaar, I'm begging you. Please stop pestering me.

See, that's more like it.

Look, our lot is our lot.

We all have our lot in life, your lot is to not have a lot.

That's a lot to take in.

What am I supposed to do? Hire a valet to park cars all night?

- I'll do it. - You'll be stuck outside.

Exactly. Zero percent chance of Boutros.

I like it.

Who's Boutros?

Yeah.

Oh!

- Hello, Fatima. - Sarah.

Buying the ingredients to your supposedly famous turkey chili?

Yes, and it's going to be delicious.

I'm sure it will.

Made with turkey. The driest of the chili meats.

Well, we're gonna spice it up. Hmm!

That generic hot sauce is a step in the right direction.

Well, what about your lamb? I assume it'll be as fresh as promised?

It will be.

- Well, it's very cute. - Thank you.

Let's go, Dolores.

Ah! Layla, we've had to juggle the order of some of the acts.

So, we've moved your skit to the end.

- We're closing the show? - Yeah.

Make sure you have lots of energy 'cause you're following them.

Astaghfirullah!

Hmm?

Thanks so much for doing all this fun stuff with me this year, sweetie.

I feel just like a kid at Eid.

Oh, you're welcome, Mom.

- Okay, ready for a few hot peppers? - A few?

Any pepper called a scotch bonnet can't be that hot.

Okay.

- Speaking of hot... - All the better to valet in, my darling.

The mosque was in need, I answered the call.

- You're just doing this to avoid Boutros. - You insult my sacred office.

Right, I'm off to park other people's cars.

Mm.

Hot, but not too over...

Oh! Oh, Mom!

- Mom! - More paprika?

Ambulance!

Excuse me, Mrs. Fatima.

We want to play with your lamb.

I'm sorry, children.

Dolores is gone.

Was it difficult?

Very.

- Eid Mubarak. - Eid Mubarak.

- Eid Mubarak. - Eid Mubarak.

Ah!

- Eid Mubarak, Brother Baber. - Eid Mubarak, Brother Yasir.

- You're parking cars? - Oh, just doing my bit.

Between you me, it's quite clever what I'm doing.

I'm avoiding this man Boutros.

If I stay out here all night, I won't see him.

Except when you have to park his car.

- I owe you one. - I can't do this!

- I have to go to my daughter's play! - It's just until Boutros is safely inside.

- How's your mouth? - Not good.

Who would have thought that scotch peppers would be the world's hottest?

When should we tell them the food is ruined?

Let them enjoy the decorations,

and if people insist on eating at Eid dinner, then we'll go to Fatima's.

Rayyan, Sarah, I'm here to apologize.

Where's the chili?

No, no, we want to apologize to you.

We wanna go have lamb.

There is no lamb.

Long story.

- No lamb? - So we have chili.

No chili, long story.

There is no food?

I have gum in my purse.

Baber, you're doing this?

Where is Yasir? He said he'd be right back.

Honey, we have a little problem with the food.

Darling, have you met Boutros?

Eid Mubarak.

I was just telling Yasir about this opportunity I have

to make a great deal of money in a very short period of time.

Oh!

Have you met my wife?

Lovely decorations. They remind me of my childhood.

Would you excuse us?

Thanks for saving me, darling. That's an insufferable couple.

I can wait no longer. I still have to get my bag of props.

Well, who's gonna valet?

You don't need a valet. The church lot is empty! Ugh!

Empty?

What happened to Ring-Ding-A-Sing-Along?

Hey! You said it right!

Law of averages.

So, what happened?

Ah! I did the same thing in '98.

Scheduled it opposite Slappy, the elf with the eyepatch.

- It's a good holiday special. - Yeah.

Well, you wanna come over to our place? Have some food?

Thanks.

By the way, that honey you gave me was terrible.

Your dad's running a little late.

Is there any version of this you can do alone?

Yeah, can you turn off the smoke machine?

Who knows?

I mean, you gotta be 16 to drive a car,

but the smoke machine's completely unregulated.

Are you still here?

Mm. Smells like...

- Nothing. - There is no food.

Oh, I see, it's an Islamic thing where you celebrate sacrifice

by having a dinner without any food. It's beautiful.

No, we were supposed to have food, we just screwed up.

I was gonna say it sounds stupid.

Why is there no food?

You want food?

Well, I have Joan and Alice packing up the food

from Ring-Ding-Sing-Along right now.

- What's Ring-Ding... - No, don't.

Now I've been happy lately

Thinking about the good things to come

And I believe it could be

Something good has begun

Oh, I've been smiling lately

Dreaming about the world as one

And I believe it could be

Someday it's going to come

'Cause out on the edge of darkness

There rides the peace train

Oh, peace train take this country

Come take me home again

"A kind, forgiving, charitable season,

"the only time in the long calendar of the year

"when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely,

"and to think of people below them

"as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave,

"and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

"And so I say, God bless it."

Thank you, Layla, that was lovely.

You are here!

Everyone, we have time for one final guest before it ends.

It's Santa!

- I'm sorry, Mom. - What do you mean?

- This whole thing was kind of a disaster. - It was a nice disaster.

Nine out of ten Christmas meals are disasters.

You replicated the experience perfectly.

- Really? Thanks. - What do you think, honey?

I'm Boutros.

Sorry I doubted you.

Your reading, it stole the show.

It was the only part of the show you saw.

Trust me, I know.

Layla, you must do your reading for everyone here.

Who's Layla? I'm Not A Prophet.

A shopkeeper in the village overheard Prophet Ibrahim.

My hairdresser claims he heard that someone has been told

that the Prophet Ibrahim,

peace be upon him,

has received a vision from Allah!