Original subtitles

Hey, Dad. Look what you got in the mail.

You buy one CD, they never leave you alone.

No, it's about your conference. Dad's keynote speaker.

- No, I'm not. - But it has your name on it.

Baber M. Siddiqui.

It is not me.

Must be another Baber M. Siddiqui.

What's it for? An intolerant-old-man conference?

I'm not old.

It's an economics conference in Chicago.

And I'm not going.

- Why not? - I'm not going to Chicago.

That place is full of gangsters and rumrunners.

Wow, you really need to get new travel books.

What's the problem, stage fright?

Don't have matching luggage?

- Afraid you'll miss Coronation Street? - I can't go!

The Americans think I'm a terrorist!

I'm on the no-fly list.

If it were me, I'd have whispered both those things.

Yeah.

Amaar, did you hear about Baber?

- He's on the... - ...No fly list, I heard.

You tell us not to engage in backbiting gossip

and then you become the worst offender.

It's not backbiting if we're trying to help you.

Yeah. If anything, it's frontbiting.

Baber, you have to fight this.

No. Stop dredging up ancient history.

Ancient history? You just told us this morning.

More gossip!

How is it gossip if you are the one who told us?

Stop! Now I'm gossiping!

What?

He doesn't make it easy to help him, does he?

So we're going to help him?

If one Muslim is accused, it hurts us all.

Don't you mean falsely accused?

Who keeps moving my shoes?

I suppose.

I am not going to do this anymore.

Okay, but eventually your bladder is gonna give out.

The Mayor should not have to use a public bathroom.

It diminishes her... mayorishness.

Are we talking about you in the third person from now on?

I should not have to use the same bathroom as the voting public.

Well, yeah, but it's only half of the voting public.

When I was in the private sector, I had my own bathroom.

You sold vitamins out of your home.

Which had a bathroom.

Why don't you build a bathroom in your office?

You could have heated floors, a bidet,

a steam shower with those gorgeous Italian tiles.

Or one of those little dollies

with the knitted dress that fits over the extra toilet paper roll.

Yeah. Okay, we can think about that.

Geez, I don't know. Spending that kind of money...

Maybe we should wait till after the election.

You've got toilet paper on your shoe.

Let's fast-track this.

Okay, so, here's the plan.

We go to Baber's house, we talk reason for ten minutes.

And then what?

Then we leave.

I can't spend my whole evening on this.

We can't give up that easily.

When's the last time Baber had a chance to make the whole mosque look good?

Yeah, it does have novelty going for it.

Besides, it's the right thing to do.

People shouldn't hate Baber because he's Muslim.

They should get to know him first.

I don't even want to go to that decadent country.

Baber, how many times have you been asked

to speak at an international conference?

Many.

A few.

It's not important.

We should go down to the American consulate,

demand our rights.

I know how to finesse these things. Used to practice law.

Yes, yes. And I used to have a 32-inch waist.

Let it go!

Baber. It is your responsibility as a Muslim

to stand up for your Charter Rights.

Is the right to fly in the Charter?

You can make that argument.

I think.

In a way.

Wow. You must have dazzled them in court.

You know, this is more than just a bathroom.

It's like my own personal spa at work.

Spas are my specialty.

- Italian tiles. - Tiles are expensive. Yes.

- And beautiful steam shower. - With lots of pipe.

Yasir, wait.

You can't do this job. It's a conflict of interest.

What do you mean? I'm your husband. We're practically strangers.

Well, you'd have to get it done on schedule.

I'll do better. I'll get it done early.

Yasir, this is me.

- Two weeks over. - One week.

Ten days.

One week.

You got the job.

As long as you underbid everyone else.

Bid? I'm your husband.

- I can't believe we talked him into it. - Well, I talked him into it.

You just sat there and drank his ginger ale.

As I was speaking, I sipped for dramatic effect.

And I've never seen ginger ale disappear so quickly.

As a lawyer, I used it for rhetorical effect.

And as a doctor, I am amazed

that the human body can absorb so much ginger ale.

You know, it's great working together like this.

Our car ride to the Consulate is just gonna fly by.

Maybe I should pack some more ginger...

You milked it.

Shower stall, faucets, steam unit, all top of the line.

I'll give you the whole shebang, $4000.

- Two thousand. - Sold.

Three...

I'm sorry. I thought you would go on a little longer.

I'm in a generous mood.

You seem awfully eager to sell. What's wrong with this stuff?

- Nothing! It's top quality. - Top?

Mmm-hmm.

All right. Look, I'll pick it up later,

but just so that we're clear, the whole shebang.

I wouldn't sell you half a shebang.

Hi, Fatima.

- Hi! Hello... - Jamal.

Last time I saw you, you were just this high.

- You saw me last week. - You must have been slouching.

Go. Go, play. Shoo!

So, you are really going all the way to the Consulate?

A four and one-half hour of drive

is much better than having them in my house.

Amaar drank all our ginger ale.

Oh...

You'll take good care of Layla when I'm gone?

Dad, I'm not a child.

Don't let her run wild.

I'm also not a German shepherd.

And if any boys come near, you use a fire extinguisher.

Don't worry.

Layla, you promise to be good? Huh?

No shenanigans?

I don't know what that is, but I won't do it.

Okay.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

So, what shall we do?

We could rent a movie.

I have some games from the old country.

We could rent a movie.

Now, Ayo was always my favorite, but there's also Ludo and Adi.

We could compromise and rent Jumanji.

Ayo it is.

You'll enjoy it. There are 48 seeds.

Wow! Forty-eight... seeds.

I can imagine it. The door right here.

Wow. This is a pretty competitive bid, Yasir.

Are you sure you can do it for so cheap?

The trick is to work with the right supplier.

And you can do it in a couple of weeks?

Couple of weeks? Absolutely. Couple of weeks. Yes.

Sounds good.

Sounds good.

You keep your staff in line, don't you, Mayor? You keep your staff in line.

All right. You're cheapest, you're hired.

You won't regret it.

Well, the taxpayers are my bosses, and every penny counts.

Although, if anyone asks, you're building a homeless shelter.

With tiles.

We're over there.

Shotgun!

We want people around here to like Muslims.

- What is shotgun? - Riding up in the front.

You cannot sit next to her. It's too familiar.

I'll wear my seat belt.

People will think you're Christians having a decadent Western date.

They're gonna think I'm having a lousy Western date.

I ride shotgun. She cannot sit with a single man.

You're a single man.

Exactly. None of us should go.

Well, maybe we should all sit in the back seat.

No, unacceptable. I ride up front.

I look like your father.

Glad my father's not around to hear that.

But I said "shotgun".

- Hello? - Yes, Sarah.

Remember when I said the trick is to use the right supplier?

Uh-huh.

I used the wrong supplier.

Do you have to confiscate it all?

Sorry, sir. This is stolen property.

But the whole shebang?

I'm not gonna take half a shebang.

Uh-oh.

A metal detector.

What if one of us has a pacemaker? It is not worth the risk.

Quit stalling.

It's not proper for a good Muslim woman to go through one of those things.

How do you figure?

She makes one beep, and suddenly a strange man is touching her bottom.

Look, I didn't stare at the back of your head for four hours

to turn around and go home.

Actually, you didn't stare at the back of anything.

You were asleep before we got on the highway.

Was I snoring?

No. You drooled on the seat a little, though.

Ew.

This is gonna be fun.

- It's fun hanging with me and my mom? - Have you met my dad?

Good point. You get a day away from your dad,

and I get a day away from that seed game.

You mean Ayo?

Where did you hear that word?

Your mom said something.

You didn't agree to play it, did you?

I might have.

What's that?

Children!

- I gotta go do homework. - What...

Welcome to the U.S. Consulate. Can I help you?

Yes, hello. We would like to...

Excuse me. The thing you're shrieking into, that's a microphone.

- Sorry. - That's all right. That's all right.

- Hi. - Hello.

We'd like to see the Consul.

The Consulette. The Head Consul.

Smooth.

And do you have an appointment?

Yes. Do we have an appointment?

- No. - Well, we can't tell them that.

Should we lie?

I-I can hear you, you know.

Okay. Sorry.

We don't have a formal appointment.

Well, that's no problem at all.

- Great. - Yeah. I'll just tell you what you do.

You go home, you make an appointment, and we'll see you in a couple of months.

Can I speak to your supervisor, please?

I am my supervisor.

- How is that possible? - Well, that's an interesting story,

but I can't tell you without an appointment.

Wow, Ayo.

Quiet, child. I'm counting the seeds.

You can't play Ayo without all 48 seeds.

You had me at "Can't play Ayo."

What do you mean?

I was just kidding.

Can't wait.

Yeah, we're lucky we get to play Ayo all the time.

I asked for an Xbox on my birthday, but I'm lucky because I got Ayo.

Lots of strategy. Good for the mind.

Strategy plus seeds equals fun.

- Plus, afterwards, you can eat the seeds. - No! You cannot.

My muffins.

How do you live like this?

I retreat inside myself.

I distinctly remember you saying you'd take care of it.

We're not gonna get anywhere remembering what I said.

What can you do?

They're zealots. Zealots behind glass.

Should've let me talk to him.

You think, "We don't have an appointment," coming out of your mouth

- would've gotten us in? - Well, that is not my fault.

- I thought you'd called them. - I'm not a secretary.

And you won't be with that attitude.

Okay, we're going back.

My Slushy Pop!

It's worse than I thought.

Load-bearing wall. I can't build anything here.

I thought you said you could already imagine it.

Well, now when I imagine it, the building collapses.

I contracted you to build a spa.

Instead of that, imagine a toilet right here.

Right here in the office?

Yes. Open concept.

No walls, no tiles, no pipes.

Okay. Now, imagine me

going downstairs and yanking your contractor's license.

Spa it is.

Uh-huh.

Welcome to the U.S...

I'm having a flashback.

Yeah. It's us again.

No, really, no. I think it's the sinus medication I'm on.

So... you guys got an appointment?

- No, however... - Next.

Next!

- Next. - I'm Rayyan Hamoudi.

Well, I'm Dr. Rayyan Hamoudi.

You're a doctor.

So you run a walk-in clinic?

No.

No? So you require an appointment?

Look, our friend here, Baber Siddiqui, he is on your no-fly list.

However, he's an economics professor.

I see. And I can just show up at his class any time I want?

He'll be teaching. I can just drop in and learn stuff. Right?

He really needs to go to this conference. He's the keynote speaker.

I see. So he was appointed, as it were, to speak at a specific time.

And this was all arranged in advance.

This is going much better.

Come here. I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but here's what you do.

You take your friend to the airport with his ticket.

When you get to check-in,

you tell them he's on the no-fly list.

When they ask why,

you explain that you couldn't do anything about it

because you didn't have an appointment!

You're really making some headway there, Doc.

You don't understand.

I underbid. I under-underbid.

And if I'm gonna do this job, we'll have to give up some luxuries.

Like what?

The house.

Look, I promised Her Mayorship a spa and I want my spa.

Her spa.

Tell her I'm not the right man for the job.

I'm lazy. I'm incompetent. I'm sleazy.

- Plus, you snore. - What?

I just thought I'd throw that in there.

Look, you have to figure out a way to do this.

- I have a backup plan. - What?

We can go on the lam, like Bonnie and Clyde.

Do you have any idea how that story ended?

They got married?

"No, don't send Baber. He's crazy."

If I'd gone alone, I would have failed once.

But thanks to you, I failed twice.

Here is one.

How many doctors and lawyers does it take to get nowhere at the U.S. Consulate?

You.

Yeah, I'm going to have a t-shirt made up that says, "Failure is not an option,"

but I'm going to cross out the word "not"

so it says, "Failure is an option." Yeah.

And this, of course, is in reference to what is happening right now.

We're gonna go back now, aren't we?

Yeah, we're going back.

Okay, okay, okay. No t-shirt. No t-shirt.

Fred Tupper

"The Mayo is putting a spa in her office"?

"Mayo"?

- You didn't hear it from me. - Right.

So, let's go.

Good, I was so worried you wouldn't come back.

Yes, I know.

I'm on the no-fly list, and there's nothing you can do about it,

because we don't have an appointment.

Thank you for being so patient. Good-bye.

We tried so hard. Let's go.

Wait.

Did you say "thank you"?

People are always just saying, "Do this. Do that.

"Why are you being such a jerk?"

No one ever says "thank you".

Of course, I never give anyone any reason to.

- Why start now? Come. - No, wait!

Wait right there.

He's gone to get a gun. Let's go.

That's right, folks. A private bathroom right in her office.

I guess somebody is flush with taxpayer money.

That's a sad bidet for all of us.

But this oughta plunger down in the polls, somewhat.

Call in with your own toilet puns...

Well, there goes my spa.

Your spa.

All my dreams flushed down the toilet.

Same toilet everybody else uses.

See? I told you bring Baber back was a good idea.

What are you talking about? Bringing Baber back was my idea.

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, you were never on the no-fly list.

You can fly anywhere you want.

The bad news is it's hug time and I'm behind glass.

Wait a second, you're saying he's not even on the list?

And it's hug time.

What a merry mix-up. Let's go.

Who told you you were on the list?

- Who told you I was on the list? - You did.

Well, the important thing is

now I get to hop onto one of those giant metal deathtraps

with wings and plunge into the sea.

Wait a minute, you're afraid to swim.

- Fly. - Fly.

They try to make you feel safe with those fluffy seats and free food

and pretty ladies walking up and down the aisle handing out cigarettes.

Baber. When is the last time you were on a plane?

I can't believe this.

You dragged us all the way out here, and you knew you weren't on that list.

Once. You dragged me here twice.

Wow. And I thought I was wasting your time.

I'm sorry, darling. I know you really wanted that spa.

I just can't believe Fred would find out. How did Fred find out?

He's a journalist. He probably leaked a scoop to a whistleblower.

Insider trading?

It was you, wasn't it?

Look, I told you that it would ruin us.

I've said it once. I'll say it again.

Bidding has no place in the contracting business.

Well, can you put a spa on our house?

Getting the city to pay for a spa in our house may be pushing our luck.

- They're not paying. You are. - I like that even less.

Look, I want a spa. Promises were made.

You promised yourself.

And I want to live up to that promise.

Don't worry, darling. I've spoken to the Mayor.

And I have it on good authority, there's going to be a spa in City Hall.

Really? How?

Just a second.

Why is the door locked?

What, are you taking over the whole bathroom now?

It's cheaper than a spa.

It's really spacious in here.

I've got some scented candles and some potpourri.

Can I have a key?

Sure. Just get elected first.

Have fun in Chicago.

I have a sick feeling in my tummy and I'm overwhelmed with dread.

Layla. Time for Ayo.

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel.

Look, somebody put these threatening cartoons in the pocket.

It shows a plane crashing.

Everything is fine, sir. That's for safety.

And why is there no shoulder belt?

The lap belt's all you need.

No. You need a shoulder belt even in the backseat.

Sir, if you don't calm down, we'll turn the plane around.

Well, I don't care.

I want to be wearing a shoulder belt when this plane crashes.

My juice!