Original subtitles

What is halaqa teen?

Well, a halaqa is where we study the Qur'an.

And halaqa teen is when we study the Qur'an

in a cool, teen friendly way.

Okay, how many of you have come here

because you have questions about Islam?

How many of you are here 'cause your parents made you?

- Assalamu alaikum, children! - Wa-alaikum salaam.

What is going on here?

Hmm?

Halaqa study circle.

Boys and girls together...

You call this co-ed meat market a halaqa?

If you kids had any morals, you'd all go home.

Okay.

No, wait, kids, I...

Boys and girls studying together.

When I ran the mosque, that would never happen. Mmm-mmm.

Let me guess why that is,

did you even have a class?

Yes, I did.

And did anyone show up?

No, none at all.

There was bad weather

several Fridays in a row...

...a whole year's worth.

So you see Baber, it isn't easy to get teens to study Islam.

The only thing they were studying was head cleavage.

I'm trying to make it socially relevant so...

I'm sorry, head cleavage?

Bangs all over the place.

Baber, times change.

As Imam, it is your duty to make sure they do not.

You know what, you're right.

It's obvious I'm half the Muslim you are.

Who am I to argue with the grand mufti of Mercy?

If we agree, then why are we arguing, huh?

You think before you speak,

- you're conservative but flexible... - Mmm-hmm.

...People love to hear what you have to say.

Hmm!

And then he said my beard was fetching.

He really piled on the compliments.

What compliments, he was stating facts.

Well I hope he said Mashallah, otherwise,

you might get the evil eye.

Hmm?

What is this evil eye, huh,

some sort of voodoo?

When you pay someone a compliment,

you're supposed to say Mashallah.

Means thanks to Allah.

Otherwise, you might give the other person the evil eye.

Bad things will happen to them.

Let me get this straight, so Amaar forgets to say

"musha-musha" and he gets bad luck?

Love your religion.

Only if Allah wills it, this seems far-fetched.

What is far-fetched is that Amaar would compliment you.

The cream in this tea is sour!

Ooh! Evil eye.

I was thinking evil diner. Oh!

Oh, what's this?

Remember how you were late yesterday?

- Yes. - And remember how you were late

- for Rayyan's graduation? - I had a good reason.

And then you were late for my mother's funeral.

Your mother's not dead. Is she?

No, but when she dies you'll be late.

I'm starting to get creeped out by this box.

Open it, it's a new watch.

Oh, I love it!

Thank you, darling.

- Seems to like you too. - Yeah!

That'll be 11.50 please.

Mmm!

I must've left my wallet at work.

Don't worry. I can put all of this stuff back.

Okay.

Except for that Toblerone.

I only ate one triangle.

Yeah, you know, even one missing triangle seems to throw people off.

I've never been in this situation before.

It's okay, just take it.

- I don't really know what to do. Um... - Just go.

Well, it's a bit of a moral quandary, 'cause Qur'an says that I...

You can leave.

That's it?

And have a nice day.

Okay.

Mail delivery.

Oh! Ooh!

Flowers for me, how romantic.

Oh!

"Dear Mayor, thank you for the zoning variance."

- Okay, not for me. - And not so romantic either.

Why do people give me her stuff?

Permits for the mayor, files for the mayor,

package that hopefully isn't a bomb for the mayor.

Well, there's more to life than romance.

Okay, I know I'm not in the biz,

but if it says mayor, give it to the mayor.

I'm not her assistant.

Well,

you do sit outside her office and perform the duties of an assistant,

and she doesn't have an assistant, she calls "her assistant".

So if you're looking around the office and you can't see the assistant,

it's probably you.

All right fine, just leave her stuff with me.

Thanks. If you could return the cart when it's done, that would be great.

So, you stole the chocolate bar.

No, I didn't steal steal it, I just didn't pay.

You hardened criminals are all the same,

you probably think it's society's fault.

It's a chocolate bar, it's not the heist of the century.

So tell me, did you case the joint first?

Okay, stop, I feel really bad about this.

Maybe I should just go back and pay.

This happened this morning and you're coming to that solution now?

- I've been busy. - Doing what?

Eating the chocolate bar.

Any time you need spiritual counsel, I'm here to help.

That was more like heckling, but thanks.

- How's the watch? - Fantastic, darling.

It's more than just a watch, this little guy has hundreds of functions.

Does shutting up count as a function?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just a little tense.

What's wrong?

Well, the mail boy at the office thinks I'm the mayor's assistant,

it's a little demeaning.

Well, you did call him mail "boy".

Well, I have better things to do than being the mayor's mailbox.

Is it attention that you want, because I'm right here.

Should I leave you two alone?

Apologies. So, what's the problem? You're afraid to confront the mayor?

No, I'm afraid to confront the mail guy.

Why don't you just get her a file scoop?

Plastic thing, goes in the door, put mail in it.

- I like it. - I'll install it.

Honey, you've had six untendered contracts this year.

So one more isn't gonna set off any alarm bells, is it?

Sorry, I thought my watch was going to go off.

Now that would've been funny.

Hmm, how's it timing?

And then she said bad things would happen to me.

- Me, Baber. - Fascinating stuff, can we go now?

All right, all right.

Does not work.

I'm gonna be late for school.

Just a minute.

Plus is positive, minus is...

I know.

I should've taken my bike.

I have just run over your bike.

Argh!

People are starting to see town hall as a bloated, slow moving bureaucracy.

Starting to?

Well, a few are still catching on, but I have a cheap solution.

- Scoops. - Like, of raisins?

Door scoops for mail.

Argh! Now I'm hungry for raisins. Do you have any on ya?

Focus.

People are starting to lose important things around here,

contracts that need signing, permits that need reviewing.

My system always works, I have that drop box in the other room.

That's my desk.

Really? Well, it works.

Listen, next time you put out a memo

about people not looking you in the eye, you won't lose it.

I like it, let's do it.

Great, I'll order the scoops.

Oh, I meant the eye contact memo.

But you can do the raisin thing too.

Super.

So, how are you today, Baber?

No unfortunate events?

All is well.

Because I couldn't help noticing the bandage.

It's perfectly explainable.

I was bitten by a dog.

That's bad, isn't it?

It's not surprising. I was in his yard.

Why were you in his yard?

I had to hop the fence to escape the bear.

You were being chased by a bear?

They're not unusual down by the dump.

Why were you down by the dump?

That's where my car hit a tree. All is well!

I just want to order some breakfast.

11:05, you just missed it.

Oh, Subhan Allah, I need your help. I... I have the evil eye and

possibly rabies.

That's all of them, thanks darling.

Now we sit back, and let the magic begin.

Creepy.

That was anticlimactic.

I don't think so, look at this.

- What, there's nothing there. - Exactly.

- Wow, did you make it do that? - No, it did it by itself.

Neat.

I find it more

eerie than neat.

Returning to the scene of the crime, huh?

That's risky, they have security cameras.

Ha-ha.

Hello, I would like to pay for a chocolate bar.

Uh, any one in particular?

No, I took one yesterday and I couldn't pay for it

but the boy here said it was okay.

But I would like to make it right.

Well, I must say I admire your honesty.

- Yeah, I guess I am pretty honest. - I had to talk her into it.

Bradley, can you come here for a second?

- Is this the young lad that helped you? - Yes.

I thought so. Bradley, you're fired.

- What? But... - No, he was just being nice.

This is a store, not a food bank.

I guess that's your good deed for the day.

You went on a shopping spree?

A half-priced shopping spree, I cut the ribbon at the store opening.

- How come I wasn't invited? - They sent me a letter.

Aw!

What's going on?

Permit negotiations.

Permit negotiations?

For a spa. They gave me a free massage.

How come I didn't know about it?

I don't know. Came in the mail.

What's with the gas mask?

You didn't hear about the anthrax scare?

Is this a drill?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, did you try my remedy for the evil eye?

Yes, I went to the mosque today. I read the verses you told me to read.

One hundred times!

I was there for four hours, but it was worth it.

Well, I bet you feel better already.

I'll be all right as long as Amaar does not compliment me again.

Baber, saw you at the mosque today.

I was there for a short period.

Short period, don't be modest. He was there for four hours.

I had many prayers to say.

You know, Baber, I know we have our differences,

but I'm very impressed with how devout you are.

No, don't be impressed.

I'm just saying you're a very good Muslim.

Amaar, stop!

Baber, relax.

I'm just trying to pay you a compliment.

Do I have to say the 100 prayers again?

For starters.

Oh!

Ow!

What happened?

Don't ask.

Hmm. You know, we have been treating the symptoms.

- We need to treat the cause. - Mmm-hmm.

There is only one guaranteed cure for the evil eye.

Even though I am an expert on Islam,

it might be helpful to hear you say it in your own simple way.

The problem is, Amaar envies you.

The reason you have the evil eye is to humble you

and bring you back down to his level.

Can't I come down just a little bit?

Why must I come down as far as Amaar? Ugh!

Go to Amaar.

Build his self-confidence.

Put a stop to his envy and your evil eye.

I'll consider it.

This cream is sour again!

I know. I poured it from the same carton.

I figured for you, it wouldn't make any difference.

I can't believe you ratted on me.

I didn't rat on you, I was just telling the truth.

That's ratting.

You know, that job defined who I am.

Come on, you are not just a clerk.

Now I'm not even a clerk.

Well, I've got a solution.

- Fatima. - Hmm?

Brad here can fill that busboy position you have open.

I don't know. Can he speak Arabic?

You can't even speak Arabic.

That's why I need someone who can.

Look, he's really nice and he'll never let anyone leave without paying.

Yeah, even if they're dumb enough not to bring any money.

I never realized what filtering the mayor's mail got me,

lunches, massages, shopping sprees.

Now the scoop gets all the invites.

So, now you're envious of a piece of plastic?

It's acrylic!

- I have an idea. - Here it comes.

Ask the mayor to take it down.

Oh. I was expecting more of a scheme.

Sometimes the simplest solution is the best.

Uh...

Sometimes the simplest solution is the best.

Nice neck brace.

Is that a compliment?

No, I was being sarcastic.

Good.

So, I am here to spend time with my spiritual leader,

to bask in your liberal, decadent approach to Islam.

That's nice.

You are well groomed.

Your beardless face is soft like a little girl's.

Mashallah. Notice I said Mashallah.

I noticed you calling me a girl.

What's up, Baber?

Nothing, I'm just bringing myself down to your level.

Perhaps I could help with your halaqa.

You want to help?

Yes, I've realized that your valueless approach

might have some value to it.

Hey, how'd it go with Brad?

Good, he mopped the floor, he bussed the tables,

he even counted the float for tomorrow.

I thought that kid showed promise.

- Hmm. - What?

There's supposed to be 50 dollars here.

- But it's short. - How much?

Fifty dollars.

I keep my bracelet here when I'm working. It's gone.

You don't think Brad had his hand in the cookie jar?

I don't know. The cookie jar is missing.

I'll talk to Brad.

Okay, Sarah, so first, we need the scoops, and then we have to get rid of them?

Well, they create an impersonal environment.

And?

What if I choked to death at my desk, no one would notice for days.

Of course they would, your scoop would pile up.

Do you mind? You're in the way of the scoop.

Brad.

Hi.

Uh...

How'd you find me?

Find you? I was just in the neighborhood.

Why, is there a reason that you would be avoiding me?

No.

No reason you'd be ashamed to show your face?

Well, I had a pimple, it's cleared up now, so...

I want the bracelet back now.

What bracelet?

Brad, how would you like it if I stole your bike?

It's registered with the police...

All right, fine, your bike lock then.

Hey, come on, that's expensive.

The bracelet.

Okay.

You might

find a similar one at the pawn shop.

And the 50 dollars?

Well, I used it to buy the bike lock, so...

Why is that trashcan beeping?

Are there any questions?

Um, is it okay for a Muslim to listen to gangsta rap?

- Well... - Let me get this one.

Interesting question.

No, you'll be swimming in hellfire!

What I think brother Baber means is that,

as long as you choose your role models carefully,

and think about the music critically,

it's okay.

Right, as usual, brother Amaar has distilled

my thought to its core element,

revealing that I meant the opposite of what I said.

Mmm-hmm.

If prayer times falls when I have a volleyball match,

is it okay if I wait until after?

Why can't you pray during?

On the court? In front of everyone?

They give you knee pads, don't they?

I suppose you could wait until halftime.

My parents make me do chores, but my brother never has to.

The reason is simple. He's a boy, you're a girl.

- But, but... - But...

You should tell your parents that the prophet Muhammad,

peace be upon him, used to do house work.

In order to be a good Muslim, your brother must follow in his example.

For real?

For real.

Well, anyway, thank you for helping.

No need for thanks, no compliments.

You don't have to fish for a compliment.

No, I am not fishing, believe me. I am avoiding fish.

Okay, anyway, thanks, I just...

- What nice weather we are having. - Pardon?

The weather, very sunny.

- I'm trying to say... - The price of gold is up.

What?

Uncertainty in the equity markets increases the value of gold,

economics 101.

Right. Uh...

- Anyway, I should get back inside. - Yes, you should.

Thank you very much, goodbye.

- Thanks again, you were a real... - I'm out of ear shot, bye-bye!

Now, the secret to pawn shopping is to always seem uninterested.

- Oh, there it is! - Over before it started.

Oh, fifty dollars.

Just came in today.

This was stolen off a friend of mine and we really need to get it back.

It's an heirloom.

Sounds valuable.

Make it an even 100.

No, you don't understand, we really need to get it back.

I hear what you're saying but, 100's as high as I'm willing to go.

Let me handle him.

- Throw in that watch and it's a deal. - Sold.

- But you don't know about that watch? - I know it's not beeping.

What are you so glum about?

My desk used to be information central,

now I never know what's going on.

Don't you want to get rid of those scoops?

Sorry, scoops stay.

Drown your sorrows in a donut.

Hey, are you going to Janice's pool party?

No, when did it happen?

It's not until this weekend.

Isn't that the weekend of the golf tournament we get tickets to?

Hey, wait a minute, you guys talking about something that hasn't happened yet?

Something I could do 'cause I heard about it?

Um... Yeah.

So, can I get a ride to the golf?

- Of course. - Hey,

where's the donuts?

So, you didn't want to be my mailbox,

but you're happy to be a donut table.

Oh, I'm back in the loop. I'm a vital part of this office.

Oh.

- We are out of crullers. - I'm on it.

Thanks.

- You want a donut, Mayor? - No, thank you.

- They're delicious... - Thank you, no.

- The office is working much better... - Yeah,

- don't, don't look at me. - Okay.

Just a chocolate bar and I'm paying upfront this time.

Wise choice.

Look at this watch. Noiseless, efficient, dignified.

And on the back it says, "Happy Birthday, Horace."

Who's Horace?

I'm Horace, that's my watch.

You mean, Brad stole this too?

You think I fired him over a chocolate bar?

Give him his watch.

- It's yours for 60 dollars. - Dad.

I'm haggling.

The police have the serial number.

Deal.

I have to say, I'm impressed. You're pretty good with the teens.

It was nothing.

I can't believe how much you relaxed with the kids.

Thanks to your guidance.

You've got a knack for...

Get a hold of yourself, man.

You don't take compliments very well, do you?

You need to stop envying me.

- Come again? - Amaar,

Amaar, denial does not become you.

Is confusion working for me?

You are well-liked, be proud of who you are.

Comparing yourself to me will get you nowhere.

Baber, what are you talking about? I don't envy you.

- You're just saying that. - No, if anything, I...

Pity you.

Really?

Oh!

That's the best news I've heard all day.

Thank you.

What was that about?

As with all of my conversations with Baber, I have no idea.

Well, you cheered him up.

You are a good Imam.

Thanks, Fatima.

Is this cream sour?

Could be.