Original subtitles

We're back and I'm with Darcy Tucker. You've been on fire recently.

Game-winning goal tonight.

What is it that's working for you?

It's all about the beets.

The beats? The hip-hop music you play in the dressing room?

No, beet juice.

I ship it from a town in the prairies, Mercy Beet Company.

So you could say this is a drink that can't be beat.

No, it is beet.

No, no, I'm just saying it's a drink that can't be beat.

Are we done yet?

Did he say the Mercy Beet Company?

Why do these men sweat so much?

I own stock in that company.

So sweaty! He should cut his hair.

Bought in dirt cheap, too. It's gonna go through the roof.

- Might see a temporary upswing. - Temporary upswing, yes.

That's gonna buy me a powerboat.

If I was going to go on TV, I would at least use a towel.

What you're talking about is a stock bubble.

- And one thing we know about bubbles-- - You're right!

They just get bigger and bigger and bigger.

- Can you believe that? - Foolish man!

Do you think, if I bought in now, I could get a powerboat?

Hmm?

Yes!

You win at Solitaire again.

Remember that stock I invested in?

- Disposable dentures? - No.

- 3D radio? - No.

Not that lame hydroponic beet farm Mom told you not to invest in?

Yeah, the Mercy Beet Company is up three points.

Thank you, Darcy Tucker.

Who's Darcy Tucker? The guy who invented beets?

He's a hockey player. He endorsed it yesterday.

It's all over the news.

Wow! Slow news Day.

Fantastic. I knew this would happen.

You knew that a hockey player would be on the news,

talking about local beet farm three years after you invested in it

It was one of several scenarios, yes.

Let's keep this between you and me. I want to surprise your mother.

Surprise her or not tell her at all?

Either, or, just semantics.

Duncan! Going to Fatima's for lunch. Could you lend me a couple of bucks?

A little short of cash?

- It's been a lean-- - Don't have to explain to me.

We're all clergy. We're all poor. That's why I'm going to the senior's home.

Rev., you've got a few good years left in you.

I'm not checking in. I'm just visiting.

- It's meatloaf day. - Hmm?

Kid, you are missing out on one of the great perks of the clergy.

There is a tradition of holy men

going out to preach in exchange for food.

The mendicant tradition.

"Mendicant" from the Latin word for "mooch".

- How often do you get out there? - I like to mix it up.

Rest homes, weddings, AA meetings.

Do you think these seniors would like some spiritual comfort

- from a different religious perspective? - Sorry, kid.

You'll have to get your own leads.

Fatima, bring me your most expensive item on the menu.

Steak and eggs, $8.

How disappointingly reasonable.

I take it you haven't lost on that beet stock?

No. I took your advice. I bought more.

I never said that.

- I am up a point. - Is that new?

Yes. When you're an active investor like myself, you need tools to...

Take a picture of my crotch...

And email it to my entire contact list.

Yasir, I'm an economist, so heed my warning.

Three predictable things will happen before this stock crashes.

Is one of them you trying to ruin my good mood?

Firstly, someone will utter the phrase, "It's not a bubble."

It's not a bubble.

Check.

Secondly, the politicians get involved.

Slow down. I can't write this fast.

And finally, just moments before the crash, the doctors buy in.

Doctors?

Highly educated people are quite often fools outside of their area of expertise.

You're a highly educated person.

Yes, I am.

Here you go.

That is steak and egg.

Blame the chickens.

Sarah, I can't find my pizza pocket.

- Did you look in the fridge? - It's full of this weird purple stuff.

- That's beet juice. - Beetlejuice?

- Like the movie with Buster Keaton? - Michael Keaton.

No, he was Ghostbusters.

What is this stuff?

It's beet juice. Some hockey player started drinking it. Now everyone is.

Really?

Hockey players grow their hair out in the back.

You don't see everyone doing that.

Obviously, you haven't taken a good look around Mercy.

- And this stuff is made here. - Yeah.

You know, if this is popular, I want to be associated with it.

I want to be "Queen Beet."

But I thought you hated beets.

Everybody loves a winner.

You know, this didn't just happen. I made it happen.

The public should know that.

- I didn't make it happen. Just happened. - The public won't find out.

Something feels weird about this.

That's because instead of doing damage control

and trying to recover from a disaster,

- we're actually trying to get ahead. - Bingo!

Yes, and before I come down to the showroom to pick it up,

could you polish the chrome?

And fill her with the highest grade of gas that you have.

Thank you.

- Did you just buy a car? - Better. I bought a barbecue.

Isn't that more different than better?

Better for cooking.

Barbecue? Guess you're gonna take it home,

put it in your backyard, use it to cook stuff?

Wow! You really know the ins and outs.

Is it a big barbecue?

Put it this way.

Do the words Magnum 5000 mean anything to you?

No, but they do imply a certain kind of bigness.

Do you know that there is a history of spiritual leaders providing

- religious instruction in exchange-- - Amaar!

- Would you like to come over for dinner? - Yes, please.

Today, we are on the threshold of opportunity.

And that's why I'm 100% behind this beet product

and the beet-related industries it will bring to our community.

Are beets the future of Mercy?

It's too early to tell, but the answer... is yes.

Miss Mayor, can we get a picture of you drinking the beet juice?

I'm sorry, I don't quite follow.

I mean, actually drinking a glass of the beet juice.

There are several of them right there in front of you.

Well, that would've been a good idea.

Well, could we do that now?

Well, I don't think we have time. Do we have time?

- Yeah. - We... we do have time.

All right then. Bottoms up.

That is so bad!

That is really bad.

Have you tasted this?

What a bad product.

What a bad, bad product.

You're right. I would rather cut my own head off than drink this stuff.

It's bad!

I predicted this.

You knew the mayor would shoot beet juice out of her face?

I knew the politicians would get on board.

But she's not on board. I haven't read the whole article,

but the gist of it seems like she didn't like it.

But she wanted to get on board.

And next will come the doctors.

And then... comes the crash.

Well, I'm a doctor, and I am not interested in beet stock.

Unless it was some kind of folk festival.

Really?

No, I'm kidding. Who wants to go to a folk festival?

Okay, okay. I think I know where we went wrong.

When I spit out the beet juice?

But we tried to do something proactive.

But that's not us. We're reactive.

Yeah, I think it was when I spit out the beet juice.

We're lucky, really.

See, we're good at overcoming disaster and look what came our way, disaster.

It's exactly what we needed.

We've got us exactly where we want us.

What we're going to do, is wipe the situation clean,

the same way that beet stain's going to come out of the carpet.

It's not coming out.

Doesn't matter. At least it won't when the world

sees your new commercial.

- Commercial? - We're gonna get the tourists,

we'll get the business interests.

What Silicon Valley is to computers, what Detroit is to cars,

Mercy will be to beets.

Can I wear a purple suit?

Yes. You can wear a purple suit.

Scrub-a-dub-dub!

Soup's on! Courtesy of the Magnum 5000.

Wow! Temperature does not seem to be an issue with that puppy.

Maybe if it was the Magnum 4000,

we'd know what kind of food this is.

Shall I serve myself?

You invited yourself!

Just doing my spiritual duty.

Please pass the garlic bread.

You know, Baber says that two of his predictions have come true.

What predictions? Are we talking about the beet thing.

I won't have the beets called stupid.

Apologize to the beets.

I'm not going to apologize to the beets.

Beets paid for your food.

Please tell the beets, I'm sorry.

Okay. The thin ones are carrots, I think.

Oh!

- No, no. - There.

Thank you.

Why would Yasir send me an email of his crotch?

- What's up? - Nothing.

Just trying to get the charcoal out of my mouth from Yasir's barbecue.

Why would you go there?

I want to do your thing. The mendicant thing.

Amaar, what is this? Amateur hour?

- You don't go to private homes. - You don't?

You leave the food to the professionals.

I thought you could handle this on your own, but...

I'll have to take you under my wing.

- You'd do that? - I hate to see a man floss.

Really? Flossing is good for you.

No, I don't think that's true. It's a scam.

The flossing companies and the dentists that...

I'll tell you later.

Thank you for coming in just now.

Rayyan's not buying the beets. I thought she would.

What if my prediction is wrong?

Well, I... Wait a second, you've never come to me for advice before.

I'm so desperate.

Not only am I seeking your advice, but I might actually take it.

Right. Well, Baber, as long as I've known you, you've been your own man.

You don't care what people think.

If you did, you'd be miserable, all the time.

So I should stand firm? Not buy in.

Exactly, bide your time.

Follow your heart and don't do anything hasty.

Yes, I want to buy five,000 shares in the Mercy Beet Company.

And please be hasty.

Yes, I'll hold.

In the heart of the beet belt, beats the heart of the 21st century.

Welcome to beet town.

A center of industry, a place of leadership.

Mercy is a world-class capital in beets and beet-related food stuffs,

but Mercy is more than just beets.

It's canned beets, beet juice

and beet-hanol, fuel of the future.

Hello, potential investors.

Plant your bulb of success here.

Mercy, home of root vegetables and business growth.

A message from the town of Mercy and the Mercy Beet Growers Association.

Nailed it.

You can really see the money on the screen.

There won't be any garbage trucks on the street next month.

No one will miss them.

In the heart of the beet belt...

What do you think?

That is a nice hijab, Fatima.

Pure silk. And I owe it all to the beet boom.

Have you bought anything special for yourself?

Chicken sandwich.

Well, enjoy.

You know, when I first heard about this beet stock,

I thought I should stay away from it.

Islamically speaking, investing is tricky. You lend money, you can't charge interest

because you'd be taking advantage of somebody.

But you can invest in a company.

Our prophet, peace be upon him, was okay with profits.

I know. I just thought it sounded stupid to invest in beets.

Do you think I should have bought in?

No, not necessarily.

You're not the only one holding out. There's still Baber.

Yeah, me and Baber.

I gotta get me some shares.

Man, this coleslaw is terrific!

Yeah, not as good as the Greek salad last night at the Legion,

but way better than the bean salad at the cattleman's banquet.

Usually, they have mashed potatoes. They're good.

Yeah, got some.

- I didn't see 'em up there. - I got the last of it.

You took all the mashed potatoes?

Well, there was just a serving and a half, and I thought I'd finish it off.

I would have eaten half a serving.

- Okay. Sorry. - Well, can I have some now.

I'm kind of funny about eating food off other people's plates.

But I'd be eating off your plate.

Yeah. Still not comfortable with it.

Shoot me some mashed potatoes. You wouldn't be here if it weren't for me.

Fine. You want some potatoes? Here's some mashed potatoes.

Did you hear?

Darcy Tucker is holding a press conference.

He's going to say more good things about beets.

Fatima, I already know.

State of the art. I get instant news feeds.

- How did you hear? - The newspaper?

Yesterday's newspaper.

Well, this lights up. Anyway, I'm buying more stock right now.

The technology is incredible.

Let me ask you a question.

Why on this gadget do you press sell when you want to buy?

- No, you press 'buy'. - But you pressed 'sell'.

Incredible technology.

That's okay. I'll buy them back before the market closes and it's just closed.

It's an accurate clock, too.

Don't you lock me out! Don't you do it.

Apologize to the beets, apologize to the beets.

Hey, I'm coming around the corner.

I'm unarmed. Don't shoot any potatoes at me.

Look, I said I was sorry about that.

Sometimes, even when you're the leader of a flock,

you find yourself going astray and it takes...

It takes one of the other sheep...

To get you back to the flock in the valley where... where the sheep are.

What? "Another sheep"? I thought you were the shepherd.

No, no. The leader of the flock. The leader sheep.

The boss sheep.

So, there are other sheep running around wild,

but you're the alpha sheep?

I guess so.

Okay. Look, Amaar, what I'm trying to say is...

We shouldn't do this food thing anymore.

We did go astray. Like your sheep thing.

Let's not talk about the sheep thing anymore.

It's a dead end.

Next time, just make yourself the shepherd.

I should have done that.

Sorry.

Excuse me. Darcy Tucker is about to go on the TV.

Afterwards, I have a slice of this beet cake for everyone.

Made with real beets.

Baber, what are you doing here?

Come to gloat about the big crash?

There is not going to be a crash because you, Dr. Hamoudi,

- did not buy in. - Oh... But I did buy in.

- What? - I'm a stockholder.

Although, I'm not holding anything.

You know, I thought I'd get a big stack of those banknote diploma thingies, but...

Wait, you're in?

- Yeah. - The doctors are buying in?

Well, just me and Dr. Wallace from the clinic and Dr. Schmidt,

and I heard about it being part of our pension plan.

So, yeah, all the doctors.

This can't be happening!

Exciting, isn't it?

This stock is going to go through the roof, and I don't own any

because I don't know how to use this. I'm an idiot.

My customers, it's starting. Please, shut up.

After talking it over with my family and my agent, I'm happy to announce

I've decided to sign a ten-year agreement with Frantic Bronco energy drink.

I'm sure this drink has beets in it.

It has beets, right? Right.

I love all four flavors.

Orange...

Cranberry...

He's going to say 'beets' next. I can feel it in my bones.

...Lemon...

Beets! Beets! Beets!

- ...And my personal favorite... - Beets! Beets!

- Beets! Beets! Beets! - ...B-B-B...

B-Beech nut.

Delicious beech nut.

Darcy! Darcy...

I can't breathe.

But, Darcy, just a few weeks ago,

you spoke about the energy properties of beets.

Did I? I say a lot of things.

Anyway, the most important thing is to drink Frantic Bronco energy drink.

There are 6.6 billion people in this world that are not Darcy Tucker.

And they all love beets!

This stock is going to crash

and I don't own any because I don't know how to use this.

I'm an idiot. A very lucky... idiot!

Wait a minute, this means that my theory was right.

It was a bubble.

I'm a genius! I'm a stupid genius!

How much is the stock worth now?

About as much as this cake.

I would have eaten that.

All right, so the Mercy Beet Company

is closed and the beet boom is over.

And I branded you beet mayor

right before the biggest root vegetable related stock crash in history.

On the plus side, we got the beet stain out of the carpet.

No, we didn't. It's still over there.

- I thought it was here. - No.

Wanna take this stuff to the garbage?

We can't.

There's no truck this month.

Oh.

Hi, Dad.

Wonderful news.

You bought a barbecue that doesn't burn everything?

No, I'm going to be a man.

I'll admit to your mother that I invested against her will.

Good idea.

When she finds out that I came out ahead,

I'm gonna rub it in her face.

That's a bad idea.

- Yeah! - Hey, you two. What's up?

Nothing. Just talking about the beet disaster.

I'm so glad you didn't invest. I mean, I hate to say I told you so, but--

My sweet naysayer, my darling skeptic,

I did invest. I did. And I sold just before the crash.

How could you do this to me?

- I made us a bundle. - No, no, no, no.

You can't take away the "I told you sos," I love the "I told you sos".

You've been a totally reliable source of "I told you sos" for a quarter century.

Give me your credit card.

- Why? - Well, we're rich, aren't we?

We're not that rich.

Hey, you want to go shopping?

Yeah.

This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

Well, I told you so. Bye.

In the heart of the street belt beats the heart of the 21st century.

Welcome to street town.

We changed "beet" to "street."

Crafty!

Mercy is more than just streets.

- It's short streets. - Short streets.

Hello, potential investors.

Plant your bulb of success here.

Mercy, the home of Route 23 and business growth.

- Think anyone will notice? - That you're a genius? Yes.

Rev.? What are you doing here?

Amaar. I'm just ministering.

Well, they offered. I didn't want to be rude.

You told me that sheep story so you needn't share the coleslaw.

Amaar, I'm not going to make up some stupid story just so I can eat coleslaw.

But for the record, this coleslaw has raisins in it. It's really good.

Can I have some?

I thought you didn't like to eat off other people's plates.

I kind of made that up.

I kind of knew that.

Whoa!

- What? - Is that a rabbi over by the chip bowl?

Let's roll.