Original subtitles

Man, this IslamaPalooza thing is killing me.

What's an "IslamaPalooza"?

Yeah, besides a bad play on words.

Muslim Youth Day!

This year, I'm calling it IslamaPalooza.

- Oh. - Get it?

Islam, like "Islam", and...

- "Palooza"! - No, we get it.

You've taken two words and you put them together.

They're like, "Not" and "Impressive".

It's "Not-pressive."

Hey, be nice. He's just trying to make it hipper for the kids.

'Cause the kids live in the year 1994.

Whoa, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Yeah, the side where my alarm clock says 03:00 a.m.

Alarm clock's broken?

No, I had to pull a double shift at the clinic.

So, you know how I feel.

Are you comparing me pulling a double shift at the clinic

to you putting two words together?

It's more than that.

Also renting a bouncy castle.

Haven't done it but I'm thinking about it.

Yes, saving lives, bouncy castle. Both are about the same.

I gotta go.

Hey, can I go on the bouncy castle?

You have to be under ten.

When I was running for mayor, I ran on a gazebo-building platform,

and today I'm delivering that platform.

That gazebo, which...

You know, is kind of a platform.

Anyway, I officially declare this ground...

Broken.

Thank you.

And now I turn it over to Yasir Hamoudi of Hamoudi Contracting.

- I'm overwhelmed by the pomp. - You get used to it.

A gazebo. It's every contractor's dream. The angles, the woodworking, the overtime.

Well, you were the only man for the job.

Seriously. No one else was available.

- Oh. - My God!

These pumps are killing me.

How do you construction guys stand around all day?

I wear flats.

- Ow! - Careful.

Oh, what the heck was that?

I'm going to say, a rock.

Well, it's dangerous. Someone could get hurt.

Better put that clump of dirt back where it was.

You do understand the concept of a groundbreaking, yes?

You're stressed. You need time off.

Yeah. I don't have time to talk about taking time off.

Come on. Look, I know you've got vacation days saved up.

Yeah, kind of been collecting them.

No offense, but that's a really crappy hobby.

Seriously, I'm worried about you.

Maybe I do need to take some time off.

Do you need me to write you a note?

No, I'll write it and I'll sign it "Rayyan's Mom."

That's my girl. Listen, can you grab me a lottery ticket?

Ahem! Ahem! I hope that's not for you.

- Why not? - It's gambling. Muslims don't gamble.

- You're a Muslim. - You can't win if you don't play.

It's a sin to win.

Well, That's a catchy slogan.

- Fine. No ticket. - Can I ring through the milk,

or are you gonna talk her out of that, too?

Your roof is leaking.

Oh, I'm glad the initial consultation is free.

You were right to come. It's my specialty.

I demand a fair price. I will not be taken advantage of.

But there's one thing you should know.

- What's that? - I'm desperate.

Brother Baber, you're like family.

I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of you.

Although it is tempting 'cause you're in a tough spot.

- Come tomorrow. - No, no, not for a long time.

I'm building the gazebo.

- When can you come? - I'll check my Day-Timer.

- Ow! - Why are you pretending to be hurt?

So you can charge me more? It won't work.

How much more?

This thing the Mayor found in the dirt, it's very sharp.

- Oh, It's an arrowhead. - Yes, you like it? Keep it.

Are you trying to butter me up by giving me a rock?

A rock will not fix my roof.

- Well, then give it back. - No, it's mine.

Tell you what,

I'm gonna fix the immediate problem now and finish later.

Fine.

- As-salamu alaikum. - Wa alaikum assalaam. What are you up to?

I was doing the crossword puzzle, and then I lost interest.

And now I'm doing this thing where there are two slightly different cartoons.

See here, the squirrel has three stripes on his shirt.

And on this one, he only has two.

Wow, nothing gets past you.

I'm taking some time off.

So I am going to catch up on my sleep and go for walks,

and count the stripes on squirrels.

- Sounds relaxing. - I am incredibly bored.

Yeah. Sounded boring.

Listen, why don't you help me with

IslamaPalooza?

I have a Quranic quiz to do.

- I don't know. - Come on.

You always want me to let you get more involved in the mosque.

Here's your chance.

Can I spell "Quiz" with a "K" to show that it's a fun game?

You mean, like K-W-I-Z?

I was just going to do the regular spelling with a K.

But your way is much better.

Who says Muslims can't have fun?

- Excuse me. - Are you okay?

Just a frog in my throat.

- No, that's a productive cough, for sure. - Is that bad?

What?

I'm sorry.

I am off duty.

Hey, in this one, he's wearing a glove, and in this one, he's not.

You can't fool me, squirrel.

The lottery's up to ten million.

What would you buy?

Something cool, like a shark,

or something practical, like a big box of diamonds?

Why choose? A diamond-covered shark.

Ugh, me without a ticket!

You always buy a ticket.

I'm really not supposed to gamble. It's a Muslim thing.

This isn't gambling.

- It's a lottery. - Keep talking.

The odds are so bad, it's like throwing money away.

It's really a selfless act.

A selfless act that could get me a trained diamond shark.

- Shark's trained now? - Ah, for what I'm paying.

You know you've really got more chance of being hit by lightning.

Would you call it gambling to go outside in a thunderstorm?

- I'd call it stupid. - I'm going to do then.

If you need to leave, go ahead.

- Professor Krackle. - Baber Siddiqui.

What is it now?

You're not going to ask me to look at something new you found in the ground?

- You're an archaeologist. - And you're an economist.

And I don't come down to your end of the campus

and ask you to look at my pie charts.

- But this is good. - I wish I had never met you.

I don't know why I joined Facebook.

Look.

- Oh. - Hmm.

Hmm.

Look at that.

Hmm.

- That's chiseled. - Mmm.

It's... It's very crude.

- Don't insult it. - No, crude is good. Just means it's old.

- Can I borrow it? - Suddenly the...

- Thank you! - But, but, but...

Thank you.

Okay. IslamaPalooza!

- What are we doing? - Activities.

It's fun for kids from nine to 99.

So kids can't come if they're under nine?

- All right, then. But no one over 100. - Okay.

So how's your cough, by the way?

My cough. I totally forgot...

- There it is. - Oh, that's okay.

As long as it hasn't turned from a productive cough into a persistent hack.

Why? What would that mean?

Oh, nothing. I'm sure you're fine.

Unless you get a stiff neck. But I'm sure you're fine.

My neck is stiff.

Um, now, I think.

How is your appetite?

Not good. Why?

Because I'm wondering if you're gonna finish those fries.

Oh. Yeah, go ahead.

I can't believe it. I won.

- I won! - What've you won?

- The lottery. - $10 million jackpot?

No, $5,000!

It's $5,000... $5,000!

I can't believe that! I won! I won!

- Have you told Rayyan? - Of course not.

- Yay! Yay! - Yay! Yay!

Ooh.

- Cool! - Wow! These bouncy castles look expensive.

Hey, we could pay with a bouncy cheque.

I'm gonna pick one out. Do you want to try it?

Oh, I can't. Uh, bad knee.

Oh, did you have a tetanus shot when you were a kid?

- Why? - I'm sorry.

- I don't mean to get all medical. - No, no. Please.

It's hard to turn it off.

I have tetanus?

Well, is the pain in your knee stabbing or shooting?

Uh...

Barely hurts. Maybe a little stab.

Okay, well, that's not as bad then.

As bad as what?

Let's get this red one.

As bad as what?

Okay, now it's actually quite... Ow!

What is going on?

Isn't it exciting? Archaeological excavation.

But you can't do this. I'm supposed to be building a gazebo here.

Oh, no, that's been shut down.

The province has deemed this a site of potential historical importance.

I have a job to do.

Sorry, shouldn't take more than three weeks.

- You still have to pay us. - I know.

Look at those tiny brooms that they have.

Hey, sweep faster.

- Excuse me just for a second. - You don't have to do that on my account.

I didn't. I just felt very cold all of a sudden.

He's been doing that all morning, switching from hot to cold.

Is that bad? It is, isn't it?

Might create a low pressure system but...

He's looking at medical sites on the Internet.

I have a stiff neck, my eyes are sore and my arm is cramping.

All the symptoms of looking at medical sites on the Internet.

I'm very thirsty.

I can't stop drinking water. Excuse me.

- Do you think he's sick? - Why? Because he's thirsty.

Although, his insulin levels might have dropped a little.

Sometimes that causes people to feel...

Ah-ha! It's you!

You're doing it.

- Doing what? - You can't turn it off.

You're a symptom machine.

You're making Amaar sick.

Amaar is a grown man.

If I throw out the odd medical term, it's not gonna turn him to mush.

Guys, do my elbows look wrinkly to you?

- Yeah, I'll talk to him. - Good.

You. You did that on purpose.

What?

You shut down my gazebo site.

Now the town will go gazebo-less.

It's not like we have a small gazebo or an old gazebo.

We have no gazebo at all. Zero gazebo.

What would I possibly have to gain from your site being shut down, huh?

Well, now, you have a crew sitting idle

and you have a roof that needs to be fixed.

You can get him to do it at a fraction of his original estimate.

Thank you very much, Fatima. Private conversation.

I expect a tip.

Wait, wait, wait!

Don't you see? She is right?

You can do my roof, and you can give me a discount.

Brother Baber, you would not take advantage of my misfortune, would you?

Ah, business is business. You do my roof for half the price.

It is win-win.

How is that win-win?

Win-lose, win-win! Either way, my roof does not leak.

Five grand! Not bad!

Well, it's not shark-buying good, but it's good.

Nothing.

Well, thanks for calling ahead.

We can't redeem these big wins without advanced notice.

Why is that, anyway?

We have to pre-book the confetti cannon.

What's the confetti...

Congratulations, Sarah Hamoudi!

- You've won! - Oh!

- Oh, will this be in the paper? - Seems possible.

We should hide this before Rayyan wakes up.

It's a pretty flattering picture, isn't it?

You are the most beautiful woman on the entire page.

Well, the other pictures are obituaries.

And you put them all to shame, darling.

Mmm, I smell coffee.

- You're up early. - Actually, it's pretty late.

Oh, well, have a great day.

- I am on vacation. - Oh.

Well, then I'll make you coffee to go.

Why are you trying to rush me out the door?

- You're the one who said she was late. - No, I said it was late.

Well, then, catch up to it.

Thanks. Why are you hiding the newspaper like that?

Oh, now she has time to read the paper.

She's late, but she has time to read the paper. What an odd girl.

- Isn't she an odd girl, Yasir? - Very strange girl. Yes.

Why are you putting the newspaper in the garbage?

Oops, I'll just get it out.

Take it out.

Well, I should get going.

Yes. Yeah. There she goes.

Why doesn't she want me to read the newspaper?

Because she won five grand in the lottery. She doesn't want you to know.

She knows it's not Islamic and you're gonna give her a hard time.

I am.

And I thank you.

Here to help.

- What are you doing here? - I'm coming on the dig.

I've seen your work. You need all the help you can get.

I've rescheduled my lectures on consumption anomalies.

You cannot do that to your students.

They can wait. You and I are on the doorstep of history.

You are the doorstop of history.

There's nothing worse than having an amateur archeologist around.

I know exactly what you mean.

Oh, shall I get my pith helmet? Hmm?

I thought you said you were going to stop buying lottery tickets.

Oh, see, honey, it was all just a terrible mistake.

You see, I didn't know that they were going to take my picture.

- And then you wouldn't have seen it. - I think you're missing the point.

- What if I pray more? - Still missing the point.

I'll go to the sermon every Friday.

You already do that.

The point is that our faith has rules.

See, I was never very good with rules, honey.

When I was in school, I always left my hall pass in the bathroom.

Why are you a Muslim?

Because, you know, Allah is the only God and all that,

and your father's a Muslim, I mean, it's just a lottery ticket.

It's not like I went to Vegas to play Russian roulette.

Russian roulette is the game where you try not to shoot yourself in the head.

No, you see, I would never do that.

I think you may have some soul-searching to do.

Right. Can I spend the five grand first?

Rayyan,

have you spoken to Amaar, yet?

No, why?

I meant to tell you this before and it might sound kind of silly,

but I think maybe me talking about medicine a lot

has turned you into a bit of a hypochondriac.

- What do you mean? - Where'd you get the old-style

ice bag, anyway?

You borrow it from Andy Capp?

Who's he? Is he sick, too?

You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you.

But both my knees hurt now.

Plus, my butt is itchy.

Okay, you know what?

You are sick.

But don't worry because we're going to knock it out of your system.

How?

Where are those placebos?

Why? You got something?

Uh, if I had something, why would I treat myself with placebos?

No, no, no. Sometimes they really work. You know, the power of suggestion.

And I'm back on vacation. Thank you.

So we're agreed. We'll expand these trial trenches

to the Southwest first and then to the Northwest.

I'm not agreed.

We should excavate from the spot we found the arrowhead.

I'm sorry, I should have said,

"We archeologists agree with one non-archeologist dissenting."

You would not even be here if it were not for me.

Starting to sound pretty good.

Uh, was that important?

So you feeling better?

Like you said, knocked it out of the system.

- Pollen. - Okay.

As-salamu alaikum.

Should you be shaking hands with everyone when you're sick?

I feel great! Don't I look it?

Absolutely.

As-salamu alaikum.

I would wash my hands if I were you.

No, she's just kidding.

Professor Krackle, I found a bunch of bottle caps.

Why would you show me that?

New Coke! Remember New Coke?

Baber, archeology is a slow, meticulous process.

I need you to move slowly, carefully and stay focused.

Yes, sir.

Okay, guys, double time.

I can't take this anymore.

Rayyan is being so unreasonable.

She's a Muslim.

I'm a Muslim.

Yeah, but she's a real Muslim.

You know, when someone's more pious than you,

there's only one thing you can do.

What? Aspire to their level?

Of course not.

Drag her down to yours.

Wow, why don't you just hold a pitch fork and wear a little red suit?

Drag her down to my level, how?

Plan a night on the town. She's off work.

Take her out and spend some of your ill-gotten gains on her.

Make her an accomplice. Tarnish her pure soul.

It's the only decent thing to do.

Well, yeah, but I'm her mother.

Are you sure I'm acting in her best interest?

It's love, Sarah.

Oh.

Tainted love.

Um, uh... As-salamu alaikum.

Wa alaikum assalaam.

You just salaam me? You never salaam me.

Well, I need some advice.

Some spiritual advice.

- Really? - Hmm.

Ah. Of course.

Are you okay? You look sick.

Rayyan gave me some super pills, knocked it right out of my system.

Right. I'll just sit way over here. You sit there.

I don't understand. Why is my roof not being fixed?

I'm sorry, brother.

We just heard the archaeological dig is over.

- It's gazebo time. - Already?

They were digging so slowly.

Something must have motivated them to dig faster.

But Yasir, you and I had a deal.

Business is business.

Oh, one more thing, after taking a closer look at your roof,

it's a lot more work than I thought.

I'll be back Tuesday, with the revised estimate.

Krackle!

Dinner and a movie in the city.

- Well, that's awfully nice of you, Mom. - You're worth it. What do you say?

You want permission to spend your lottery money and not feel guilty about it.

Not true. I already spent my lottery money.

Yeah? What did you buy? A "World's Worst Muslim" coffee mug?

What kind of coffee mug would cost $5,000?

No, I'll have you know I spent the money on a little something

that starts with "I" and ends with "A" and has "slamapalooz" in the middle.

IslamaPalooza?

- You donated the money to the mosque? - Anonymously.

I just felt it was the right thing to do.

Mom! My gosh! I'm so proud of you.

Five-thousand bucks applies a lot of face painting and loop eggs.

Yes, it does. That's why you're buying me dinner and popcorn.

Okay. Be calm now.

Nerves of steel!

You're breaking my concentration.

This is very delicate.

I'm sorry. I know, this is important.

So, what does the ring toss have to do with Islam, anyway?

Well, the rings represent our striving to live by the teachings of...

Islam, and the bottles represent, uh...

Glass.

Nothing. But, it's fun.

- Oh. Yeah. - At least, it's supposed to be fun.

Gotta hand it to you, though, Amaar.

You really pulled it off.

You got the bouncy castle and the obstacle course.

This is the best IslamaPalooza ever.

It's too bad nobody came.

I don't understand.

I went from house to house, passing out flyers, shaking hands,

eating with people.

Right in people's faces?

- Yeah. - Touching their stuff?

Spreading the word and the...

Germs.

Germs? No. What are you talking about? You gave me those pills.

Yeah. Vacation's over. I got to go back to the clinic.

- What's up? - I'm guessing an outbreak of flu

among Muslim families with young children.

Wow! You're like House.

Yeah.

Where do you want the petting zoo?

Oh.

Hello.