Original subtitles

Finally, I don't wanna wrap this up

without thanking our non-Muslim neighbors.

After all, you can't have an outreach event

without the support of the community.

Though, apparently, we just did.

Best outreach day, ever, Amaar.

We didn't get any visitors.

Exactly my point.

Uh...

Hey. Sorry, excuse me. Are you the...

Imam. Yes. Welcome to Mercy Mosque.

Did you enjoy the sermon?

No, I just showed up. I didn't wanna sit through all the...

So, I'm Dave Sharp. I'm station manager at Channel 96.

I didn't know...

- ...Mercy had a cable access channel. - Yeah, we get that a lot.

Wondering if you wanted to host a show for us.

Here's the concept.

Something to do with Muslims.

Something to do with Muslims. What a concept.

Also the working title.

So what do you say? You wanna come on the thing and do something...

Muslim-ish?

I can do Muslim-ish.

Actually, this could be very important.

It's brave of you to be doing a show like this,

- given our political climate. - Right.

Also, we have ethnic quotas and our Jewish dude quit.

Oh...

Well, I'm flattered.

Flatttered-ish.

Hey, I heard the news, Mr. TV Star.

Well, TV star. Media personality, maybe.

Pundit. I guess TV star.

So, Amaar, what's your angle for the show?

You know, something to do with Muslims.

Wow. That sounds really vague.

If I may, as a PR professional, I know a thing or two about TV.

What's your grab factor?

Measured, thoughtful perspectives

on Islam and modern spirituality in a relaxed, accessible atmosphere.

That's not really a grab factor.

Yeah, unless you're grabbing for the remote.

I appreciate your input, sort of, but I've been on network television.

I think I can handle public access.

When were you on network television?

Yeah, you're a regular Regis Philbin.

Hey, no way Regis could have caught that ball.

I hate that Kelly Parker.

Really? I just want her hair.

- She dyes it. - No way.

I could totally do yours for you, you know.

Are you kidding?

My dad would freak if I colored my hair.

- He freaked when I started combing it. - No.

I'm talking like subtle highlights. Your dad won't even notice.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey.

- How are you guys? - Good.

- Yeah. - Good.

I hate that Kelly Parker.

No one ever says they hate me like that.

Okay, let's try it.

This feels wrong to me.

Hmm?

We don't have the budget for a new set.

It's no biggie.

Yeah, but it's a bit confusing because...

- And action... - It's actual...not a...

It's...

Assalamu alaikum. Hello, and welcome to Islamic Horizons.

Yeah.

This is a new kind of spiritual program.

Why? Because I'm not here to talk at you,

I'm here to talk with you.

Let's get a little more comfortable, shall we?

Islam is a religion supported by...

- Islam is a... -

Islam...

Islam is a religion supported by pillars.

Not unlike the legs of the chair I'm sitting in.

I was supposed to be sitting for this.

I hope we're not leaving it in for too long.

It's bleach. You can't leave it in for too long.

Yes, you can...

Seriously?

You should go.

Maybe I should have practiced on a doll or something.

You really need to not be here right now.

And that is why I like the chances for the RoughRiders this season.

Finally! That's a wrap.

Please join us...

Next time for Islamic Horizons.

And we're done, hai.

What was that? You told me it was a 30-minute show.

Did I? I meant 60.

Reverend Magee.

Did you catch the show?

Was that show on today?

I sent you an email about it.

Plus, you said, "Good luck with the show," before I left for the station.

We... I... I don't actually get that channel with my cable package.

I don't really watch TV.

I don't have a TV.

Gotta go.

Assalamu alaikum, brother Baber.

Walaikum assalam.

I saw your television program on my TV.

You did? What'd you think? 'Cause some people are being a bit non-committal.

I'll commit. It was terrible.

Really? I mean, I know I was stretching a bit at the end.

You stretched at the beginning.

It wasn't enlightening?

It was en-darkening.

You're a little out of your idiom.

You are an idiom.

You can't talk by yourself an entire hour and expect people to listen.

It's no different than at the mosque.

You said it. Not me.

It's okay, Brandy. I think I found my way around the problem.

Gotta go.

Alhamdulillah!

Finally, you're wearing the hijab.

Well, you keep asking me to wear one. Thought I might give it a whirl.

I am so proud of you.

Tonight, we dine out.

We should stay. We paid for the house. We might as well use it.

Nonsense, how is anyone going to know

you've finally embraced your modesty unless we show you off?

Come, come, come.

Great. I wanted to talk to you.

I thought this would happen. You were right to come to me.

TV can be a cruel business.

Actually, I wanted to talk to Rayyan.

It's just like I said, you need the grab, the go, the gotcha.

Listen, will you be a guest on my next show?

I don't know. TV is not my thing.

The bip, the bop, the bang.

Obviously, it would be a one-time deal.

The shim, sham, shuffle.

The grab your lunch box. That old spin that schnauzer.

Nobody's spinning any schnauzers. Will you do it?

Okay, I'll come on your show, but only so I don't have to watch it.

My baby's gonna be on TV.

What do you think? Can she wear a hijab or what?

Dad!

Everybody say goodbye to Layla's ears. They are gone for good.

Well, I think it's a lovely hijab, Layla.

You look like a big, grown up...

What is going on here?

Nothing, I just thought it was time to embrace my heritage...

Cover up your horrible dye job?

Okay, look, you can't say anything to my dad.

Layla, to your father, this is a serious, important matter.

When you stop wearing it, he will be devastated.

Sure. So, you're not gonna say anything, right?

In my day, public access TV meant one of two things.

Some fat chick doing yoga or at Christmas time, a fire place.

But this dog's breakfast...

I have seen Al-Qaeda training video with better production value.

Not only that, folks, but you know,

the title says "mosque", but the backdrop screams "synagogue".

How do we know that your Jews and your Muslims

haven't formed some sort of unholy alliance?

Wouldn't be the first time.

Well, maybe it would, but still...

Sounds to me like you need a new backdrop, brother Amaar...

There's no budget for a new set.

That is why I will build you one for nothing.

Nothing-nothing or Yasir-nothing?

Nothing. Of course, as a de facto sponsor of the program,

I may require a tasteful "thank you" credit at the top of the show.

Not sure that's appropriate for a show on Islam.

As opposed to a menorah?

Okay, how about a credit at the end of the show?

- Deal. - Great.

Now, here's what I was thinking.

- How about a CNN-type thing. - I like it.

- With sliding panels. - Yes.

- And after... - Television set.

All right.

- Nice set. - Thank you.

Is it just me, or is this slightly less elaborate thank we discussed?

- It's in progress. - You said, "Consider it done."

Which you're not doing, so you're not holding up your end.

Hamoudi Contracting?

Yasir, you didn't mention this part.

Did I mention I was sweeping up sawdust at 7:00 a.m. this morning?

Hi, am I wearing too much mascara? I think I'm wearing too much.

Uh, I can't tell you're wearing mascara.

My God. I'm not wearing enough mascara.

Ten seconds.

Listen, don't be nervous. Just relax.

- Enjoy the ride. - Okay, I'll try.

And in three, two...

Assalamu alaikum.

Welcome again to Islamic Horizons.

My tongue!

Hi, I'm Rayyan Hamoudi.

Today, on the show we take a closer look at the everyday lives of Muslims.

Seriously, it hurt.

See? Told you it looked good.

I never said it looked bad.

I just said my dad would freak.

- So did he? - That's just it.

When I'm at home, I'm wearing the scarf.

He's never been happier.

Check it out. Here comes little miss look-at-me.

I like your new streaks.

- My God. She is so nice. - Yeah.

It can be difficult in this modern age to

set aside the time or find the money to make the pilgrimage to Mecca.

We're all so busy.

Yes, but...

Taking the Hajj is an essential tenement of our faith.

- Tenet. - What?

It's tenet of our faith. You said tenement.

Or are you actually talking about apartment buildings?

Okay.

And that's all the time we have for today.

Wait, I need to say...

So, thank you for joining us, today, on Islamic Horizons.

Ma salama.

But, first, my final thought of the day...

And we're clear.

For the love of crackers.

You... You were good.

And I'm talking... Like, not public access good, actually...

You wanna be permanent?

- I accept. - Great.

Guys, guys. We just need one host.

Okay, then just Rayyan can do it.

Okay, no, two is good.

Amaar said, "I burnt my tongue."

Poor Amaar. Is he okay?

I think you're missing the point of the story.

You know, Layla, you don't have to wear the hijab here at home.

I'm just getting used to it. I'll take it off later.

Really? No, maybe you should put that in the wash.

Good idea, Daddy.

- Thanks for the ride. - Bye-bye. Have a nice day.

There you go. Ms. Celebrity.

Who would have thought I would know such a great, big TV star?

- What about me? - Yeah, you know Rayyan, too.

Thanks, Fatima. Keep those cards and letters coming.

- You got cards and letters? - Not really.

Couple of emails, though. Half a dozen, tops.

Is something wrong?

No, of course not.

Just wish you'd check in with me before you agreed to co-host.

Well, I didn't know I needed your blessing.

No, not blessing. More like... permission.

There she is.

You were perfect yesterday, sweetie. Just perfect.

Mom. You.

Although, you might wanna think about sitting on the left.

It'll show off your better side.

- I didn't know I had a worse side. - Yeah.

Also, sweetie, just something to watch out for.

You popped a lot of your Ps.

She never takes if off at home, and yet, I suspect she is not wearing it elsewhere.

Today, at school. She kept waiting for me to leave.

I am always waiting for you to leave.

What is she hiding under there?

Is it pierced ears? A hickey? A hickey-piercing.

Stop it, you foolish man. She only colored her hair.

What?

My little girl has painted her head like a common trolly?

Don't do something stupid about this.

It is my duty to do something stupid.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

About this morning. I was...

- Stupid. - And what's changed since lunch?

I mean, I'm glad that you're...

Which is to say, I realize you bring a certain thing...

To the whole... thing.

There, I said it.

I'm not sure you did, but... Apology accepted.

Now, you are a Large.

Yeah.

The logo again? No.

I'm sorry, I didn't bring a Medium.

I think he's saying no to the cap in general.

So, it's agreed. We start with the hat.

See how it goes. I didn't bring her one because you're the star.

Twenty seconds.

Well, to a non-Muslim, it may seem excessive to pray...

Five times a week.

I mean, a day.

Yes, but they're viewing Salat as an interruption...

- Hang on. - Yes.

It's important to be conscious of... Always remember to...

I don't... Nose?

Nose?

Circle? Giant circle? What?

And, we're out.

Why do I even bother having a thought of the day?

Okay, I don't wanna be a negative-Norman here,

but that was not one of your better efforts.

- Yes. - Wait. What about a call-in show?

- I like it. - I could be the producer.

- Works for me. - Yeah.

Is it me, or does that guy make a lot of snap decisions?

- Again, thanks for the ride, Dad. - You are very welcome.

Here I am at the door. I think I can take it from here.

Of course, you can. You're a very smart girl.

Smart, clever, cunning girl.

Gonna do the door thing, now.

Okay, off you go. Be with your friends in your hijab.

All right, why are you here?

Hello, children. I am your guest speaker, today.

I'm an economist.

Who can tell me what that is?

You there, in the lovely traditional head covering.

No? Well let me explain.

Economics has, of course...

- Layla. - ...Been called the...

I love your scarf. Where'd you get it?

Economics is a broad canvas, limited only...

Now, remember, honey, you have to look into the camera, but not at it.

Yeah, I don't even know what that means.

Can't have a call-in show without a phone,

and can't have a phone without a pedestal.

How does that explain the set?

Someone had to pay for the pedestal.

- Okay, let's go back to the phones. - Okay, let's go back to the phones.

Go ahead, caller, you're on the air.

I installed a sump pump in my basement

and I think it may have clogged.

Again, I can't stress this enough, we're looking for Islam related questions.

Islam.

Yes, go ahead.

- I'm a practicing Muslim. - Great.

- What's on your mind? - I think I have dry-rot

on the rear deck of my house.

Wait a second.

Dry-rot is a very serious problem, and at Hamoudi Construction

we can build you a new deck at a surprisingly affordable price.

I can't believe you'd come to my school and humiliate me.

My daughter, whatever do you mean?

Is there something, you've been keeping from your classmates?

Yes, you!

Stop it!

I know you've only been wearing the hijab to cover your hair paint.

- So, you knew and didn't tell me? - Yes.

This is a nightmare.

Who knew that television could be so humiliating?

Yeah, who knew?

Hey, you guys.

So, listen, I've figured out a way to kick up the energy on the show.

You'll have your very own dog pound. You know, like Arsenio.

You gotta admit, it takes guts to end an idea with Arsenio.

No. No studio audience, Mom.

I'm the producer, honey.

By the way, we're going to 90 minutes, daily.

- If there were some way to sink this. - The insolence!

I am taking away your internet,

your telephone, and possibly your postage stamps.

Once again, I shall repeat a list of the things that I hate.

Decadence. Western decadence.

The devil,

and poorly-designed cricket bats.

Okay.

We're gonna get a lot of calls about this.

I'm pulling the plug.

Yeah, I'm pulling the plug.

Enough, you do not have to wear the hijab anymore.

It is more important to me that your head have honest thoughts inside.

You're not gonna take it off?

I decided to wear it for a little while. Kelly said it looked cool.

What? That girl that sits next to you

with the push-up bra and the belly button?

A lot of girls in our class have belly buttons.

- Layla. - Fine.

You are a good girl.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

What brings you around?

I don't know. I had some time to kill.

You miss the show, don't you?

Please. I think my 15 minutes of fame was 14 too long.

- I wonder who replaced us. - Yeah.

That, children, is how you make a lovely goat curry.

And how better to enjoy your meal than in a

custom-built addition designed by Hamoudi Constructions.

No. It's not worth it.

Don't turn the camera off. You can still shoot the sign.