Original subtitles

- Layla, where are you off to? - To meet my friends.

To do what?

We're gonna knock over a convenience store.

- Don't lie to me. I know when you lie. - Fine, not knock over. Just shoplift.

What about your chores? The grass will not cut itself.

Not if we don't give it a chance.

Fine, go. I'll do it.

Um, are you gonna change first, or push that thing all the way to Mecca?

I am proud of my appearance. I bring dignity to everything I do.

Help! Get it off me! Get it off! Help!

Ow!

- I'm dying, I'm dying. - It's just a sprain.

- A fatal sprain? - Sadly, no.

I'm almost dying.

Very dignified.

How's Baber?

- Oh. He'll be fine. He's a trooper. - Really?

Well, some kind of trooper who panics at the first sign of trouble.

A scaredy-trooper.

I sure hope he can make Friday prayers. He's gotta do community announcements.

- What about me? - You won't be there Friday?

- No, I could do the announcements. - You just said you wouldn't be there.

No, I'm saying I should do the announcements.

Wait, wait, wait. Are we talking about the same mosque?

Bad rugs, next to a church, full of men who don't want women to do announcements?

Women spoke at the mosque in the time of the Prophet, peace be upon him,

and that was in the seventh century. They didn't even have toilets.

Look, I'm as progressive as the next guy.

Mm-hmm.

Girl. Woman. But people aren't ready for this.

So, drag them into the 21st century or back to the seventh.

But I won't have to, 'cause Baber's gonna be fine, thanks to your good doctoring.

Your good woman doctoring.

I don't just fix wrists. I can break them, too, you know.

You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

As a man that runs a cemetery, I'm sure you've learned to live in the moment.

Look how overgrown these bushes are.

Don't worry. It's a lot more work, but I'm gonna charge you the same.

If you'd come two weeks ago, I was gonna tell you. I'm letting you go.

- So it's a good thing I didn't come. - I'm letting you go now.

So really, you're the one that's two weeks late.

Nobody wants to be buried here anymore.

They want to be buried in the new cemetery.

Yeah, the flashy one at the edge of town.

So unless you know somebody who wants to buy a couple of dozen plots,

I can't keep you on.

But we have a contract.

Had a contract.

Try to live in the moment.

Can you believe Amaar? Why can't I do community announcements?

- If you want to, you should. - No, I shouldn't.

'Cause the men in this congregation are dinosaurs.

- Well, then you shouldn't. - Yes, I should.

- Because how else will they learn? - Do you want me to agree with you or not?

- It's small, but it opens a door. - And we want it opened?

- Yes. - Good. I didn't know where you were going.

- I'm going to do it. - And you're gonna win.

- Well, it's not about winning. - So what's it about?

It's the principle of the thing.

No, really, what? I don't have a clue what you're talking about.

I almost had my hand cut off.

I thought that only happened when you people stole.

Lawn mower accident. I am lucky to be here.

And we are lucky to have you. Order something or get out.

It's no joke. I was almost killed. Dead. No more Baber.

My friend, what if you had died mowing the lawn?

No biggie. Somebody would've finished it.

- He's right. - Just for fun,

- imagine you died this morning. - Okay?

You wouldn't be buried with Muslims. You'd have to go with the Christians.

What's wrong with us?

A Muslim person likes to be buried with other Muslims on his right side.

- Is it better for your back? - With his face towards Mecca.

Mecca, right. Here's a question for you.

What about somebody from Mecca? When they croak, which way do they face?

Downtown.

The point is, Brother Baber, we need a Muslim cemetery.

Hmm?

Now, are you with me?

I want to be buried

with other Muslims on my side facing Mecca, and I want it now.

You don't want to wait till you're dead? It's less claustrophobic.

Surely you agree a Muslim cemetery would be good for the community.

It'll be fun.

Yes, I think it's an excellent idea. You have my permission.

Your permission? Yes, that's what we came for, your permission.

Now that we have it, we were wondering, would you like to buy a plot?

What are you, nuts?

Mercy's nice and everything, but no.

No way am I gonna die here.

There's nothing wrong with it, but no, not gonna happen. No way.

I like it here and everything.

I'm sorry. I can't have women do announcements.

People already think I'm all liberal and beardless.

So grow a beard, get beardy.

They're itchy.

You could run the bulletin board.

You could hang the Interfaith Council poster.

That's like announcements, but they're up for a week or two.

You could set the policy.

Oh, really, you'd trust me with all that cork?

It's got a lot of perks. You could take all the thumbtacks you want.

Actually, I'm joking. We are short on thumbtacks.

This really isn't about me. This is about all women...

Who's taking all our thumbtacks?

Look, I'm sorry.

I would love to help you, but It's too controversial.

Could you maybe grow a spine, or would that be itchy, too?

So here's my offer. I will bring you 30 new Muslim clients.

I love it.

And you will give me my groundskeeping contract back.

- I like it. - I also want a commission.

- I'm leaving. - Think about it.

- Muslims don't grow on trees. - Yeah, and they also don't prune them.

Fine. I'll go to the flashy new cemetery...

Okay, but I can't do all this just on your say-so.

I need a deposit.

Fair enough. It was my idea. I should assume some of the risk.

And the good news is your deposit is only $5,000.

Deposit? Why me?

It seems only fair. It was your idea. You get to pay the deposit.

5000? I wasn't even there.

Very, very, very cunning.

As the person paying the deposit, he'd expect you to come.

You're a shrewd negotiator.

Well...

A check is fine.

It's disruptive. Besides, I saw Baber. He's not that hurt.

Baber got hurt?

So we don't need a woman to do community announcements.

A woman is doing announcements?

See? Disruptive.

- What happened to Baber? - Just a sprained wrist.

I don't think a sprained wrist is worth an announcement.

No, he's saying a woman should do announcements.

- I'm not saying that. - He's saying a woman can't.

I'm not saying that either.

A monkey could do announcements better than Baber.

A man monkey or a woman monkey?

Is the monkey healthy, or did he hurt his wrist?

Or her wrist.

All right. In the interest of fairness, and so no one thinks I'm spineless,

- we'll try it. - Good.

- Sister Sarah? - Yes?

- You're doing community announcements. - Thank you. What?

It's not about you, right?

It's about all women.

Why me? I don't even listen to announcements.

- Maybe now you will. - It's possible.

So, which one of you guys is stealing these thumbtacks, huh?

They're all waiting for you to fail. Waiting to pounce.

I don't think they will.

You have to be twice as good as a male announcer, three times as good.

I need the sauce. Can you stir? Pounce on that.

Sure. And I'll help. I'll collect the leads.

- Leads? - Yeah, for the announcements.

We'll go through them, see what makes the cut. We could put them in a binder.

- Wow. Two rings, or three? - Well, I like three, because it's...

- Oh, you're making fun of me. - Can't I just wing it?

No. You wing it, you make a mistake, they pounce.

I'm not worried about that.

So you just expect me to do all the legwork and you'll show up?

I like that idea. Thank you, honey. Keep stirring.

And Yasir talked the man down to $5,000.

- Hmm. Your $5,000. - Yes.

And you weren't even there?

Obviously, you know nothing about negotiations.

The man putting up the money cannot be there, because...

What is important is that after prayers,

I get to announce that we have our own Muslim cemetery.

About that.

And now with community announcements, Sister Sarah Hamoudi.

That should be you up there.

We are with you, Brother.

Hi. There is an Interfaith Council meeting...

Well, who cares about that?

Boring, boring... Well, this one's in Arabic, so.

Oh, here's one.

Baber has organized a space for a Muslim cemetery.

Everyone's invited to come on down and pick out your own grave.

Well, there's more here, but well, I'll just skip it. Thanks.

That was much shorter than what you do.

I like her.

Our very own cemetery. It's got that new cemetery smell.

Yes, very peaceful. Lots of legroom.

- Try it out. - I'm not going to lie in a grave.

You're missing out. Now, let's see. Which way is Northeast?

Hmm? Hmm.

- Why so quiet? - We're in a graveyard. When in Rome...

- Still upset about the announcements? - No, of course not.

Drop dead.

You know, try this on for size.

Right.

But I'm trying it for somebody else. I'm not dying in Mercy.

But I like it here. It's a great little town.

These are quite a bargain. I am thinking of buying several.

- What is that over there? - Mecca.

No, you ignorant man, between us and Mecca.

"Belt Bucklez"?

I do not want to spend eternity looking at his saloon.

Let's not exaggerate. It's not a saloon.

Well, there's a blinking sign and it says saloon, saloon, saloon.

- Well, that's a deal-breaker. - That's not even how you spell "buckles."

Well, who's to say where Mecca is, really?

We could face the other way. The long route.

You idiot. You've ruined my death.

It's just as well, Dad.

- Look at these bushes. - Yes.

No, whoever prunes these is a real butcher.

- Why would I wanna buy a grave? - Because everyone needs one eventually.

I was hoping to buck the trend.

Listen, I represent a cemetery that's overstocked.

- Yasir. - It's a buyer's market.

- Yasir. - There's never been...

Can we just skip to the part where I say no?

- I need to work on my sales pitch. - You need to find yourself a sucker.

Why would I buy a plot in a Muslim cemetery?

I already have a spot at the flashy one at the edge of town where the action is.

It's an investment. Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world.

- No offense. - Eh, what can you do?

They keep making Muslims, but they don't make more land.

You'd be in on the ground floor.

But isn't it across from a Country and Western bar?

Exactly. That music is the fastest growing music in the world.

Eventually...

- ...they converge. - I'll think about it.

What do I need to do to put you in a grave today?

I'm done thinking.

- Hi. - You're cheerful.

It's community announcement day. Everybody loves my announcements.

And my research.

Yeah, sure, I guess. Maybe today I'll throw in a funny story.

I don't think that's appropriate. You're representing womanhood.

Womanhood can be funny.

Perhaps this is my fault.

I assumed when we got a woman to do the announcements,

it would be someone who would do a good job.

Well, you're just upset because I'm the announcer you could never be.

It would be nice if you'd acknowledge the work I do.

- If you don't wanna help, don't help. - Well, fine. I won't.

Good. You don't know any funny stories, anyway.

I know funny stories.

Dad, remember the story I told you about the farmer? He came into my office.

- He had this rash... - That was so sad.

- You forgot your file. - It's a binder.

- Assalam alaikum, my friend. - Wa alaikum assalam, partner.

- "Partner"? - Isn't that how you cowboys talk?

Baber likes cowboy music so much he wants to be buried next to it.

With his boots on.

Stop it. Buried with my boots on. I am not to blame. It's Yasir.

Yes, yes, we understand.

- Hmm. - Why don't you plug him full of lead,

- plant him up on Boot Hill? - With his boots on.

- Yippee ki-ya-yay. - Get him, Tex.

- It's "Yippee ki-yay." - No, "Yippee ki-ya-yay."

And then when I was 12, we got a turtle, and we called the turtle Frank.

But we should've called him Francine, because as it turns out... What?

Announcements, okay.

Ball hockey practice has been moved to Range Road four at 3:00 p.m.

But, back to the turtle.

Okay, don't forget. Ball hockey practice is at Range Road four at 3:00 p.m. Bye.

This is not ball hockey.

A monkey could do better announcements.

"Bucklez."

- It can't be a mistake. It lights up. - This is a fiasco.

I lose my deposit and I'm a laughing stock.

- Well, I'm sorry I ruined your good name. - Which is now Tex, thanks to you.

Tex?

There's no other choice. I have to explain it to them.

- They have to close the bar. - We should think about this.

They will not call me Tex.

- They won't say "Yippee ya-ki-ki" to me. - Someone was yelling at you in Japanese?

- What a den of vice. - We should go.

Five-cent chicken wings. Is that possible?

- Can I help you guys? - Yes.

I would like you to stop serving alcohol. And no more mixed dancing.

And a Coke. I'm thirsty.

What are you babbling about?

Across the street is a Muslim cemetery.

We do not want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking.

Yeah, well, maybe us cowboys don't want to drink

while being watched by a bunch of dead Muslims.

We're not a cowboy bar. We're a sports bar.

See, I always thought we were a cowboy bar. Belt buckles.

Yeah, but we watch sports.

No more alcohol. You shut it down right now.

You've got a wagon wheel on the wall. In a sports bar, there'd be pennants.

Hey, you better clear out of here, or there's gonna be trouble.

- Do not point your scooter at me, sir. - We should go.

He's purposefully colliding his scooter with my leg.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

This place ain't going anywhere. You shut it down over my dead body.

How many of you own your own funeral plots?

Range Road four at 3:00, Range Road three at 4:00,

- anyone can make that mistake. - It was Range Road ten at 2:00.

I was thrown off because I didn't get to finish my turtle story.

You cannot rush a good turtle story.

The point is, you two have to work as a team.

Well, there's two points. The turtle story wasn't good,

and you two have to work as a team.

I do all the work. She talks about turtles.

You're ignoring the larger issue. This makes me look bad.

- Now, I can't force you to work together. - Fine. I'll do it on my own.

- How can I force you to work together? - Okay, fine. I'll help her.

But I want to be the mosque's representative on the Interfaith Council.

- You do not want to do that. - That's my price.

Fine. You're on the Council.

What is the Interfaith Council?

- You've done three announcements about it. - I don't listen to those things.

Peaceful.

And only a stone's throw from your den of iniquity.

Think about it. You'll be able to look out over five-cent chicken wings forever.

Only on Tuesdays, actually.

- I'll buy one. - Who else wants a plot?

- Plenty of good ones available. - Hey, sign me up.

Hurray for infidels.

And then we found out Francine the Turtle was inside my boot.

And speaking of death, Baber's found new space for us

at the flashy new cemetery at the far edge of town.

Gee, that funny turtle story's kind of sad.

You picked her. Remember, I get to be

the mosque's representative on the Interfaith Council.

A deal is a deal.

So, Marge, you'll do the brownies,

Rebecca, you'll do the date squares, and Amala, you're on cupcakes.

Uh...

Is this all we're going to do? Baking?

Because, as women, shouldn't we be challenging the status quo?

If you don't know how to bake, just say so.

Okay, put me down for a walnut cake.

So this is the flashy new cemetery. It's a little less flashy than I expected.

Reverend Magee has a plot here. Seems very happy with it.

Nice unobstructed view.

- You did well, Tex. - Please don't call me that.

I see the deer and the antelope play.

I am not a cowboy. A man's grave is his castle.

So we're happy, the cowboys are happy,

I make a modest profit, and I get a plot right here.

Nice. So where's mine?

- What? - You bought me a plot, right?

But yours is the only plot left in that section. I need it for my wife.

I've had that plot a long time. It has sentimental value.

It's extortion, what you're charging.

You're right about those graves. Great investment.