Original subtitles

Ah. Doing your own joe jobs now, I see.

Join the clergy, learn a trade.

Can't afford to hire the help.

I hear you, I just got off the phone with the archdeacon.

He informed me he's coming to visit on the Sunday.

He's very concerned about the profitability of the church.

That doesn't sound very charitable.

Christianity hasn't lasted two,000 years by being charitable.

You can't run a church like a business.

So I've been told, three times in the last half hour.

Powers that be aren't thinking of closing you down?

Oh, I hope not, my poor congregation.

For some of them, my sermon's the only time they get any sleep.

Doesn't the rent from our mosque make a difference?

I keep that off the ledger. Without it, we have no heat or power.

Will it help if I spoke to the archdeacon?

Oh, what a wonderful idea!

I'll have the imam from the mosque

the archdeacon knows nothing about talk to him.

I guess it's good I took the sign down.

No, no, no. It's a great idea.

No sign of Amaar.

No sign of Yasir.

No sign above the door!

Laziness. Ineptitude. Irresponsibility.

How can we be a positive example for the white community

when we behave just like them?

- We can't allow the arch... - Deacon.

...To shut down the church. It's a blow to religious diversity.

It's also the end of your rent-free office space.

Amaar, that didn't even enter my mind...

You're gonna have to raise some money.

How about a bake sale?

There aren't enough Rice Krispies squares in the world.

Then you have to grow your congregation.

I'm afraid, these days, the grim reaper comes to visit

far more often than the stork does.

What if

Muslims come on Sunday posing as Christians?

You can't pretend to be Christian.

Actually, you can. Half of my congregation does.

But we're Muslim. It would be a sin to pretend otherwise.

We don't have to pretend.

We just attend the Anglican whatchamacallit service thingy.

And the arch-whosit will say, "I presume they're Anglican."

Not if he hears you talk.

Sarah can help.

She can coach us. She used to play on your team.

It's dishonest.

Then it's back to meeting in my basement. Christians, too.

There's plenty of room between the washer and the dryer.

My parishioners have had their baptisms and marriages in this church.

They'd die if they couldn't have their funerals here, too.

The dilemma is, is this ethical?

No, no, the dilemma is,

can we get away with it?

Well, there is a saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him,

that Muslims should help Christian neighbors

rebuild their churches if they burn down.

Sounds to me like you just came up with a theological justification

for Yasir's crazy scheme.

God bless Islam!

We'll need everyone in the mosque to help.

Not everyone. Baber already hates that we're in a church. This'll kill him.

As tempting as that is, I think you're right.

We should leave him out of this one, but can we pass as Anglican?

If God is on our side.

Or at least willing to look the other way.

- Quit moaning, you're not on the radio. - Ah, my back is killing me.

You need medical attention.

No thanks. All doctors are quacks.

- I agree. You need real medicine. - Hmm?

Like this. Free of charge.

The only thing worse than a doctor is a witch doctor.

I'm not saying that 'cause you're Black.

You're a buffoon. And I'm not just saying that because you're white.

You know nothing about traditional medicine.

I wouldn't waste a brain cell trying to find out.

Yes, I'd imagine you are in short supply.

Hmm. Good one. Have to use that on the show.

About somebody other than myself, of course.

Guaranteed to work or your money back.

Well, guess if it's free, there's no harm in trying.

Apply this to your lower back three times a day.

- I'll be a new man? - That would be nice.

Up a bit. Much better.

Nobody takes pride in our mosque but old Baber.

At least it will be more difficult to take down now, huh?

Well, it looks like gangrene.

We're gonna have to amputate your torso.

It's some voodoo gunk that Fatima gave me. I think it glows in the dark.

Well, it will keep you from sneaking up on yourself.

- Very funny. What do I do about it? - Uh, try soap.

I mean about the pain in my back.

Well, we've reviewed your X-rays.

You have degenerative disc disease in your lumbar spine.

Degenerative? How long do I have left?

Oh, don't worry. You're a good candidate for surgery.

Oh, no, take my name off the ballot, sister.

- I'd rather stick with the green goo. - You do that.

It'll reduce the risk that you're ever gonna procreate.

I'm not going under the knife.

I'm going back to see Fatima.

You're just gonna be bedridden and in constant pain.

You Muslims have some bedside manner.

I don't remember much about growing up Anglican, but I must have been there.

It'll come back to you. It's like riding a bike.

Yeah, with more kneeling.

You do remember.

- There was this one little thing. - Yes, yes.

I used to have this little white hat that I wore to every service.

It was so cute. I wonder what happened to that hat.

Forget the hat. Forget the hat. Will you help?

What's he talking you into this time, Mom?

Why do you always assume we're up to something?

Because you're always up to something.

No, you see, there's this problem, and your dad just...

Actually, I'm too tired.

- Okay, this is it. We're up to something. - Okay.

Will you help me or not?

- Well, I'll have to do some brushing up. - Yes.

Do we have a New Testament hanging around here somewhere?

- New Testament? - Yeah, or an Old Testament?

If we had a new testament, surely, I would've thrown out the old one.

Coffee, please.

By the way, hon, that gunk you gave me was junk.

Perhaps you weren't using enough.

My back looks like a piece of kryptonite, I think that's enough.

Fine. I have an oral medication that's much more effective.

I'll have you know, I don't do drugs.

Really? Then where do you get your opinions?

Two teaspoons in a glass of water, three times a day.

It will help your back and your colon.

- What's wrong with my colon? - You're full of crap.

Take my medicine or go back to Rayyan.

All right, give it here. It's better than surgery.

You sure it's safe?

I gave away plenty of my medicine in Nigeria, nobody died.

Of course, I haven't been back in many years.

That makes me feel so much better.

Hey, Fatima. Are you giving him "medicine" again?

If he dies, I'll apologize.

It's not nice to give people false hope with your little folk remedies.

It's not nice to give people false hope with your little medical diploma.

Snooping, meddling busybody. I can't...

- Yasir! - Baber, I was just talking about you.

Talking to who? And what are you doing with our sign?

Our sign?

Oh, it's much too small.

Yes. It's so embarrassing to have this puny board

hanging about the door of our beloved mosque.

That's why Amaar took it down.

And some idiot put it back up.

Can you believe it?

- People have no pride. - Yes.

Now, let's keep it down until we find a better one.

Something big, grand, spectacular.

- Mm-hmm. - We'll meet next week.

Next week?

I say, let's order the new sign today. Let's shout "Islam" from the rooftops!

And now, here with everything you've always wanted to know about Christianity,

but were afraid you'd be converted, welcome Sister Sarah.

Thank you.

Oh, where to begin?

Um, okay, well, Christianity started a long, long time ago.

Two thousand and seven years ago.

Oh, good for you, Fatima. How did you know that?

I have a calendar.

Oh, tough crowd.

- Oh, Yasir, do you have a question? - Yes, my seat smells.

Is that why they call it a pew?

You better behave or you'll get the strap.

Promises.

- Do something exciting. - Like what?

Oh, I know, I know. Communion.

Sister Sarah, why don't you tell us all about communion?

Well, communion is where the minister blesses

the wafers and the, uh, grape juice to represent the body and blood of Christ.

Why?

So... So we can eat them.

I will not engage in cannibalism.

- Maybe we can start the singing. - Oh.

That is good, okay. A hymn, we'll do a hymn.

All right, um, hymn number 405.

All rise.

O God, our help in ages past

Our hope for years to come

And our eternal home

Very good, very good. Everybody can sit down.

Oh, Reverend Magee.

- Sorry I'm late. - No, no, you're just in time.

Yes. Wait till you hear the hymn.

We'll do it again. Fatima, would you lead us off?

Hamoudi Contracting...

O God, our help in ages past

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

This is horrible!

- A disaster! - It is?

- But they're getting better all the time. - Exactly!

That's not Anglican.

The archdeacon will see right through them.

And the way they all stood all at once, with such vigor.

No, no, no, no, no.

The older congregants jump right up as though we've just opened up the buffet.

And then some of them lag behind because they're stone deaf.

And then there's always the ones who

drag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes.

Now, you see.

Now, all right. Uh...

Come on. Let's... Let's try rising again.

This time in non-unison.

Let's get this perfectly wrong, people.

The archdeacon comes on Sunday.

The archdeacon is coming! The archdeacon is coming!

The archdeacon is coming!

Hello.

I'm the Archdeacon Gladwin.

Oh, are you the janitor?

Yes. Yes.

Your holiness. Your holiness.

How's the Vatican?

What are you talking about? What kind of an Anglican are you?

Lapsed.

Since birth.

Where is Magee? I want to have a look around.

- Wait! - What?

You're the archdeacon!

I told you that already.

I wondered where I'd heard it.

Archdeacon Gladwin.

You're early. I thought you were coming on Sunday.

I shut down the church in Dog River.

There was nothing going on, so I thought I'd come a few days early.

Is that a problem?

So, you'll be here through the weekend. How wonderful.

- I want a tour of the church. Now. - Of course, of course.

I was just thinking that

perhaps we might wanna have a glass of wine first.

- The wine can wait. - Well, of course, of course.

After all, the Margaux has already waited 35 years.

You've got a '72 Margaux?

Well, I wouldn't want to stifle your hospitality.

What is wrong with you?

Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities.

African killer bees. Or a killer African!

You're not using enough.

Why? Because I'm still alive?

You were supposed to fix my back.

Your back is a symptom of your crippled thoughts.

- Oh. - It's all the racism coming out of you.

No, it's not. There's plenty more in there where that came from.

You have a poisoned soul.

And a green back.

I might be coming down with the black plague.

Or yellow fever.

If it doesn't clear up,

you can eat here free for the rest of your life.

Which might amount to about two more meals at this rate.

Thank goodness, I diverted him. You should have seen me.

Magee says you're a clever little janitor.

I swept you off your feet, didn't I?

All the trouble we go to, to save your free office space.

I'm nothing if not noble.

What are we going to do on Sunday to hide all those headscarves?

Hmm.

Easter bonnets?

It's not Easter.

- When is Easter? - April.

That's when baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?

Be quiet.

Nice work with the hats.

It's Easter parade meets monster truck rally.

Today's parable of the two brothers

illustrates the sin

of lying.

And we all know the wages of sin

are death!

Better by far to be the tax collector

or the prostitute...

What? Me?

...Who answers God's call honestly,

than he who just says what he thinks God wants to hear.

Terrible is the punishment

of he who defies the Lord!

Even the little children!

Can he escape the eyeball-bursting,

skin-peeling agony

of Hell?

All right.

A message for the entire family.

Now, all we've got to do is get the speakers hooked up.

And so ends the service.

Go to love and serve the Lord.

Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Shh. One. Once. That'll do.

Can I go now? I have to get back to the cafe.

- What happened to day of rest? - What happened to Muslim?

Nice try, Magee.

But you don't expect me to believe

that these people are your regular congregation.

Well, I suppose not.

It's astonishing that you managed to convert

so many Muslims to Anglicanism in just one week.

And they say the missionary impulse is dead.

Good work, Duncan.

Well, I'm glad you're satisfied.

Ooh. Hmm.

Lovely.

I can hardly wait for the third quarter returns.

We should go count the collection plate. Perhaps have a wee drink to celebrate.

- Looks like your plan worked. - No one's more surprised than I am.

What was that?

Too loud! Turn it off!

What the heck is that?

Call to prayer. What kind of Muslim are you?

- What are you doing? - What you never do, finish a job.

Our little mosque will be the envy of the prairies.

Mosque?

There's a mosque on church property?

Yes. I'm afraid news of their conversion was slightly premature.

What are you playing at?

Inter-faith experiment.

Muslim-Christian exchange program.

- Church swap. - Enough.

Your office. Now.

I'm not a prostitute.

So, how do you like the new sign?

Your face looks better.

My back is worse.

Good, now you're ready.

Ready for what?

You've been asking for this for a long time.

What are you doing? Get your mitts off me.

Oh. Yeah, that feels a lot better.

I'll take that as a thank you.

I haven't felt this good in a long time.

What are you doing?

You shouldn't be jumping around with your condition.

What condition? Fatima cured me.

Oh, yes, I've seen this before.

He's talked himself into believing that your medicine worked.

You've talked yourself into believing you're a doctor.

The stuff you gave him should have been tested

in double-blind clinical trials for months.

Oh, forgive me.

I only use medicine that's been tested in my country for thousands of years.

Okay. Whatever.

You'll be back in my office in a week.

Yeah. To gloat.

Fatima, sweetheart, that lotion crap you gave me for my back,

that was just to soften it up so you can fix me, right?

No, I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

Uh...

Lying.

Cheating.

Pretending.

And you call yourself a minister?

Well, not anymore.

I guess now I'm a minister without portfolio.

Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself?

But I just started feeling sorry for myself.

Your little subterfuge is over.

You're shutting us down.

What?

With a money-making mosque on the property?

No, no, no. These Muslims are a godsend.

No, I'm just making sure we get our cut, you know.

But...

I need that money to run the church.

I'm sorry.

Did someone give you the impression the Anglican church is a democracy?

No, no. The diocese wants their money.

Great. I get to keep my church. I just can't afford to run it.

Oh, I'm a poor wee minister!

Magee, don't make me do all the work.

If you cannot keep afloat, call me.

And I'll make sure the diocese closes you down.

All right? Ta-ta.

Did you solve the problem?

Afraid not. The mosque can't afford to pay more.

And there's no more money in the parish.

Don't be defeatists. Think like businessmen.

Find an asset that's not making money. Turn it into a profit center.

- That hadn't occurred to us. - No, no.

There must be some place here that's not maximizing its potential.

- But isn't that ruthless? - You've got to be ruthless, believe me.

If there's anything or anyone that's not pulling their weight,

drag them into the office,

turn them upside down, shake out their pockets.

- You know, I think Yasir's right. - Of course I'm right.

What do you think we should charge him?

- Oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of... - What? Charge who?

- Me? Gentlemen, let's not be... - Ruthless?

This is my free office space. How can it be free if I am paying rent?

If we both grabbed a leg,

do you think we could lift him up and shake out his pockets?

What have I done to deserve this betrayal? What?

Let's start at the beginning, shall we, Brother Yasir?