Original subtitles

That is a nasty cut. Do you have a dangerous job?

I was on kitchen duty, chopping onions.

- Not exactly the Iron Chef. - Well, still. It must take guts.

- Eating my cooking? - No. Saving lives.

You save lives too.

True. But you make house calls.

Here we go.

All wrapped up.

Oh. Just like you, huh?

- It's a Muslim thing, right? - Very good.

We've now reached the limits of my knowledge of Muslim-ism.

Guess I got a lot to learn.

It's Islam, and, yes, it is a long story.

I like long stories.

I'll make popcorn.

Sorry, I've got, like, 40 patients waiting.

Maybe some other time.

I'd really like to hear a lot more about Islam.

Unless it's some kind of secret society or something.

No, don't be silly.

You can just pop by our mosque, speak to our imam.

He's like our minister.

Actually, I might have a pamphlet.

Here.

This is for your education.

This is for your inflammation.

It's that way.

He can hose me down anytime.

- Did you give him your number? - What? No.

- He just wants to learn about Islam. - Why? He's already a god.

That is blasphemous. I'm getting you a pamphlet.

Wow.

Hey. Fancy meeting you here.

- You mind? - No.

- Guess what? - What?

- I read your pamphlet. - Oh, really?

- That's great. - Yeah, go ahead, test me.

- No, that's okay. I believe you. - Come on, it'll be fun.

Okay. How many pillars?

- Five. - What are they?

Witness, prayers, charity, fasting and, uh...

- What's the other one? - A pilgrimage to Mecca.

- Hajj. So what do I win? - Hmm.

A car? Dinner for two?

Yeah, whatever you like.

Really? What time should I pick you up?

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Uh... I didn't mean to imply anything. I can't date.

Right. I guess that's in another pamphlet.

What did you do to your bandage there?

It kept falling off, so I rewrapped it myself.

Here. Can I?

He's hot.

- What did you just say? - Nothing.

You should not be looking at the opposite sex.

It's hard not to when you're living on planet Earth.

Nobody said being a Muslim was easy.

How come Rayyan gets to go on a date?

Rayyan is an adult. Plus, she doesn't.

Here you go.

What kind of example is this?

There are children present.

Excuse me. We're talking about Islam.

She is a bad example. Do not listen to her.

It's too late. I already have.

Baber is what Muslims would call an extremist.

Baber? Like the elephant?

Certainly not.

I will deal with you later.

Come on, Layla. You are grounded.

- What did I do? - Come on. Come, come, come.

What is his problem?

- Yasir, there's been an emergency. - This late delivery's an emergency.

- Yasir, this is a real emergency! - What is it? Rayyan? Sarah?

Rayyan was in the cafe holding hands with an infidel.

Baber, are you familiar with the definition of the term "emergency"!

The entire cafe witnessed the shame.

- Control your daughter. - Control your imagination.

As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination. None.

- You go talk to her. - I will not!

I will not. I completely trust my daughter. Completely.

- They said you were holding his hand. - I was just rebandaging his hand.

I knew that there was a perfectly good explanation.

- I'm glad I could clear that up. - Oh.

At Fatima's. Why would you be doing this at Fatima's?

Jeff wanted to learn about Islam.

Makes sense.

- So we're done? - Oh. Done. Mmm-hmm.

What kind of normal person has the least interest in Islam?

- You mean besides us Muslims, Dad? - You're right.

- Sorry for giving you the third degree. - I told you it was nothing. It's nothing.

Hi, sweetie. Rayyan, I just heard. Tell me everything.

Everything? Since when is nothing everything?

Okay, I know it's a small town. How is my private life front page news?

Private life? All of a sudden, you have a private life?

- This is worse than I thought. - It's the talk of Mercy.

- You and your fireman. - Fire... Fire... Fireman?

It's worse than the worse that I thought.

- He's in the fireman calendar. - Mom!

Oh! I'm glad I won't be alive to see this!

Dad! Calm down!

The calendar is for charity, and I am not dating him.

Denial, that's good.

That's what I told my mother when I dated that biker.

- But I am not doing anything. - Oh, yeah.

- You have to trust me. - Of course we trust you.

- I trust you completely, Rayyan. - Good.

- She's up to something. - Definitely.

You better go.

- Assalamu alaikum, Layla. - Walaikum assalam, Dad.

You're home early. I thought you were in a meeting.

Is that a boy?

My guess would be yes.

Alone with a boy?

If I'm with a boy, then I'm not alone.

Boy, leave now, and never speak to my daughter again.

Dad, we have to study biology.

Not until you're married.

This is all because of Rayyan.

But she's the best Muslim I know.

That is what I'm afraid of.

It's highly unusual for someone to request a fire inspection of their own premises.

I hope you're not suggesting that I have some kind of ulterior motive.

What kind of money do you make?

What kind of money do you make?

- That's none of your business. - Good answer.

I'm glad to see you've got such clearly marked exits.

Why? Are you the kind of person that's always looking for a way out?

- Afraid of commitment? - No, I'm afraid of fires.

Um, what's this?

That is an outlet cover. Do you enjoy being single?

- I guess. - More time to play the field.

I do fine. Where's your sprinkler system?

- What do you mean, "fine"? - What?

You were saying, "fine."

Look, if you don't get a sprinkler installed,

we will be talking fine.

Address these changes within 90 days

or you're facing a full electrical inspection.

Have a nice day.

So, you're saying they were actually holding hands.

I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!

We have to keep that lascivious woman away from that handsome white devil.

He was handsome?

What difference does that make? He's an infidel.

Do you think she likes this guy?

Who cares? Do something before they lie together.

What are they lying about?

I'm talking about the pre-marital relations.

Baber, it's a long way from that. Surely.

What is wrong with you?

Are you having the hots for Rayyan?

Of course not! Now you're being lascivious.

So you'll do something?

I'll get to it, yes.

Soon, or I have to take matters into my own hands.

Layla must be protected from the influence of this Pop-Tart.

Okay. Just...

- You sprained your ankle? - Yeah. Weird, huh?

Yeah.

- Does this hurt? - No.

- Does this hurt? - No.

- Does this hurt? - Ow!

- You pinched me. - There's nothing wrong with you.

I know. I just wanted to see you again.

Okay, there is something wrong with you. You're nuts.

How am I supposed to get to know you better?

I am a doctor and a Muslim, and that's all you need to know.

Okay, wait a second. Now I do need medical help.

My Search and Rescue exam is next week. There's a lot of medical stuff.

- Oh, medical stuff. - You see, I'm lost.

Will you help me cram, hmm? Over dinner?

It sounds like you're asking me out on a date.

Well, I am.

I can't go on a date.

Well, then I'm not.

Will you go on a non-date, or whatever the Muslim equivalent is?

That would be doing nothing.

So you're saying tomorrow night is better, right?

Look, Jeff. It's not you, it's Islam.

Don't take it personally.

No.

Who takes rejection personally?

Don't slam the door.

I flunked my biology test because you kicked my study partner out.

You failed biology because your hormones

have filled your head with the boy thinking.

And I failed my English because you tutored me.

Layla, you and I have not seen eye-to-eye lately,

but I have found the perfect compromise.

I didn't think "compromise" was in your vocabulary.

I am sending you away to an all-girl Islamic school.

And I was right!

If you do this, I'll never speak to you again.

Yes, you will. I am doing this to save your soul.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

You see? You're speaking to me again.

As good Muslims, we are all obliged to submit.

Now, sometimes submitting isn't easy.

But as good Muslims, we must always try to...

Let me guess, submit.

Exactly.

Is this my remedial Islam exam, or is there something you want to tell me?

Okay.

You can't date a non-Muslim man.

I'm not dating Jeff.

"Jeff."

Is there something wrong with the name Jeff?

What, you couldn't find a Biff?

Or a Chuck? Or a Scottie?

What has gotten into you?

Nothing. Um...

I am concerned for you as your imam.

You are not behaving like a proper Muslim woman.

So, as usual, the rules only apply to women, hmm?

You are just like every other Muslim man I've ever met.

Well, then why don't you find a nice non-Muslim man to date?

Oh, wait. You already have.

Well, I wasn't dating Jeff,

but, hey, now that you mention it, what a great idea.

Fatima, my dad is sending me away

to an Islamic school to become an Islam-o-bot!

Islamic school is just like regular school.

Except without the boys, the dances, the fun.

Don't worry. Your father can't live with you so far away.

- I'll talk to him. - I love you. I love you. I love you!

Hi, Jeff. This is Rayyan.

Good. Listen, maybe we should get together after all.

Am I sure? Yes.

I just talked to my imam. And, believe me, I'm sure.

Oh. My grandson will have beautiful pecs.

- Hello, Mr. September. Color me fall. - Oh!

- We have got to start a fire. - Give me that.

Jeff wouldn't appreciate you treating him like a sex object.

Jeff should've thought of that before he took off his shirt

and straddled that pole.

Mom, can you stay home tonight? Because he's coming over for a date.

Rayyan, love has turned your brain to mush.

You mean to say your mother should go out.

No, I don't. Muslims don't allow unchaperoned dating.

- Ugh. What exactly do Muslims allow? - Praying.

- Mmm-hmm. - So you'll stay home?

This is the happiest day of my life. Of course I'll stay home.

I'm just so glad you're doing something besides work.

What made you change your mind about the date?

Amaar.

You see, he is the progressive imam you thought he was.

Oh, he's nothing like I thought he was.

Sending your own little daughter away? You're an impossible man.

I am entirely possible.

My relatives in Pakistan say I am a perfect father.

Perhaps too perfect, but...

Only a man would think to send his own daughter away to strangers.

Well, only a woman would think that only a man would think that.

Oh, stop trying to confuse me!

Clearly, you've thought this through. You've made up your mind.

I am entirely comfortable with my decision,

but there is one thing that bothers me.

How am I going to live without her?

So, you called me in for cultural sensitivity training.

I don't understand. I love Muslims.

- That's clear. - Great.

No, I just want to make sure you know the rules, Jeff.

If you mean the five pillars, there's no problem...

I'm talking about physical contact between the sexes.

A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman,

unless he's her brother, her father or her husband.

Not even if she needed mouth-to-mouth?

- You keep your mouth away from her. - She'd be unconscious.

- You'd kiss an unconscious woman? - Kiss? Who's talking about kissing?

- Men like you skip that step, don't they? - Men like me. What does that mean?

Men who pose in nude calendars.

I don't want to be culturally insensitive here,

but what the hell?

And he said, in his own words, and I quote,

"I play the field."

His own words?

I'm assuming. But all those guys, they're all alike.

Calm down.

So the guy goes out on the odd date. I mean, that's not so terrible, is it?

- Guess not. - He dates one girl, then he dates another.

Perfectly reasonable, I suppose.

And now the most recent girl happens to be our daughter.

And that's where your logic falls apart, because I can't...

Breathe.

It's not as though you're going halfway around the world.

You're only going to Michigan.

It is a cultural oasis, home of the Henry Ford Museum.

But you'll get to learn about your religion.

And many of the classes are taught in Arabic.

Will you two get out of my way, please?

Um, I have an idea.

Why doesn't the person who's on the date answer the door?

Oh! Do not ruin this for Rayyan.

I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.

This is my mom.

Hi, I'm Sarah.

How do you do? I'm Jeff. Nice to meet you.

- That's for you. - Oh.

A fire extinguisher. You shouldn't have.

I know it looks expensive, but we get them for free.

Oh.

- You're here. - Oh, yeah. This is my dad.

- Do you two know each other? - Oh, I know a lot about Jeff.

Strictly business. Fire inspection at the mosque.

- Yeah. More like a fireman inspection. - Yasir.

You are not... Oh, my. We have some ironing to do upstairs.

- I can't go upstairs. - Yes, you can.

You see that staircase there? Makes it easy.

One foot in front of the other.

There's no need for you to stand sentry, dear.

I will believe that when you stop strangling your little lamb.

Look, I'm fine. Absolutely fine. Here I am.

Good. We have to trust our daughter.

But do we have to trust Mr. September?

- What's for dinner? Couscous? Curry? - Close. It's shepherd's pie.

Ah. I love ethnic food.

Well, I hope it's not too spicy.

Hey, you're nervous. Oh, that's really sweet.

You don't have to be. Come here.

I can't do this.

I'm confused. When a woman invites a man over for dinner...

- Jeff, my parents are upstairs. - Okay, let's go out.

- No, we can't go out. - I don't understand.

- You invited me on a date, didn't you? - Yes.

But I shouldn't have. I was angry. I wasn't thinking.

And I guess I was using you.

Hey, that's cool.

I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.

This was a big mistake, and it was my mistake.

But I think you better go.

I guess the extinguisher was the right choice of gift then.

Are you hurt? Are you all right? Because if he laid a hand on you...

Dad, he didn't hurt me. I hurt him.

- It's all right. He was beneath you. - He never stood a chance.

I have to go to the mosque and pray.

I'll drive you. I have some work to do to get us up to code.

I think we're in for a rather rigorous fire inspection.

- Assalamu alaikum, Baber. - Walaikum assalam.

- What's wrong, brother? - Daughters!

You and me both.

Layla's hysterical.

She's been crying for two days, and it's all your daughter's fault.

Leave Rayyan out of this. She just broke up with her fireman.

- She did? - It's devastating.

How terrible.

Now I must go cancel Layla's fly to Michigan.

I hope she won't be disappointed.

She'll be devastated!

Guilty conscience?

Just so you know, I broke up with Jeff,

and I'm sorry.

You were right. I'll never date a non-Muslim again.

Hang on. What did you just say?

I said I'll never date a non-Muslim again.

No. Before that.

I said you were right.

Islam is too important to me.

I'm glad you see that.

Jeff would have never understood. He's too shallow.

When did you have the opportunity to find him shallow?

Oh.

You know, it's a small town.

You bump into people. Shallow people.

Oh, come on.

Okay, I might have called the fire department.

- You know, by mistake. - Oh!

Kind of like when I made the mistake of apologizing.

It is never a mistake to apologize.

Well, then let's hear you do it.

Okay, fine. I am sorry.

- Thank you. - I'm sorry I care so much.

- That's not an apology. - I'm sorry you lost your way.

You're just making bad excuses.

I'm sorry nothing I ever say seems to work.

Oh, well, that's obvious.

I am sorry I'm here.

Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.

Now you're just playing with me.

I'm not playing. I am dead serious.

- Really? Then why are you smiling? - I'm not smiling, I'm growling.

- I didn't hear any growling. - That's because you never listen to me.

I never listen? Do you know, all I've ever done since I got here

is listen to you.

Good, and that's the only reason...