Original subtitles

You better scrub that table

until Grandma can see her reflection in it.

Do witches even have reflections?

Hello! Guess who's here!

Careful with those bags, Yasir.

Oh, please, don't take any trouble on my account.

Oh, good. You haven't.

Yasir.

Mother Hamoudi! How was your flight?

Rayyan! So beautiful! You're looking more like me every day.

How's your heart?

Oh, thank you for asking. Don't ask.

Is there anything we can get you?

Another big-screen TV? Another washer-dryer, maybe?

You know, there is something.

- I knew it. You're hungry. - I brought my own food.

But Sarah's been baking all day.

No wonder you've lost weight.

These are your favorites.

Lebanese do... Lebanese donuts!

You just can't find anything like these around here.

Except donuts.

Nobody makes awamat like your cousin Samira.

You should have married Samira.

Oh. That's why I'm here.

Her husband just died.

That poor woman is all alone in the world now.

I'm sorry, Mama.

I would marry Samira,

but I'm afraid Sarah won't give me a divorce.

Yasir!

Don't be cruel. You don't have to divorce Sarah.

Samira will be your second wife.

Huh? Oh.

She's gone off the deep end this time.

I mean, can you believe it? A second wife?

You've got to fight back. Find a second husband.

I mean, let this Samira marry some Lebanese guy.

Yasir is some Lebanese guy.

You should see him with his mom.

"Can I get you another cup of tea?"

"Can I run you a bath?" "Can I rub your feet?"

- It's like a... - Like a spa.

Yasir want to marry me?

You know what? I am not talking about this anymore.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had skinny hair.

Do I have skinny hair?

Yeah, you do.

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Because we might get some flak.

Mercy is a small town.

We're sure.

We've even written our vows in rhyming couplets.

What do you think?

"I promise to honor but not obey,

"except on leather fetish day."

Okay. Well...

- See you Sunday. - Great.

One wedding coming up, reception and funeral to follow.

- Okay. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

You're not gonna marry two guys in my church.

Uh, whatever happened to "Knock, knock, hello?"

Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage, hello?

Sanctity? You've been divorced three times.

Okay. Who's forcing you to do this? That gay mafia?

Nobody's forcing me to do anything. This is entirely a matter of conscience.

That makes no sense. How can you have a conscience and be gay?

I appreciate lively debate as much as the next man,

even when the next man happens to be you, Joe.

I've been talking to the people, Magee. You'll lose your congregation.

I hope not, because at times like these,

we all need to reach out to each other with understanding.

So it's off then?

No.

I'm gonna perform the ceremony this Sunday

come hell or high water.

God can do both.

Boy, where is the imam?

That would be me.

You can't be the imam. You don't even have a beard.

I do. It just usually shows up around 5:00.

- What can I do for you, sister? - I need you to perform a marriage.

How nice, finding love at your age.

Not for me, for my son.

Because that invoice has already been paid.

- Yes, absolutely. - He's taking a second wife.

I have to go.

Um, unfortunately, polygamy is illegal in this country.

It can be our little secret.

I don't really like breaking the law.

Unless it's those tags on those new pillows.

Those are irresistible.

If the second marriage isn't registered, you're not breaking any laws.

Maybe I should speak to your son about this.

How can I get ahold of him?

What's wrong with you? His office is right over there.

You're Mother Hamoudi!

Well, of course, I am. Who did you think I was?

I'm sorry. Welcome to our mosque.

- Let's get back to business. - Ah.

Yes. You must be so tired. Why don't I take you home?

I'm not done arranging the wedding.

I'll take care of that. You wait in the car. I'll be there.

- If that's what you want. - Yes. Yes, yes.

A second wife? Sarah's gonna be furious.

She's a reasonable woman.

She understands my mother is older and traditional...

Yes, she's furious!

What am I supposed to do?

It's time to look inside your pant leg...

Hey, where are you going with this?

...And find your foot, to put it down.

I couldn't agree more. Yes.

I am just trying to find the right way to say "No!"

How about "No"?

Another muffin?

I'd never forgive myself.

But Jesus will. Bring it on.

- All right. - Magee, first you let the Muslims in.

Now, two fruits are getting hitched at Mercy Anglican.

- I'm shocked. - You didn't know about this?

I knew about it. I just had no idea you could read.

Marriage is a sacred institution, Rev. And this is an affront.

Where's it all gonna end, huh?

With peace and tolerance amongst all men.

Hmm. Hippie.

Toodles. Thanks, Fatima.

Ick.

Okay, you have to choose between her and me.

Darling, you know that you're the only one for me.

Even if I were to marry Samira, I'd only think about you.

Not Samira, your mother!

Do not make light of this. End it now.

I will.

You mean "now" now?

I don't mean "after your wedding" now.

Right! I'm gonna go home for lunch right now,

and it's the very first thing I'm going to say to her.

Mama, let me make you a nice sandwich. I'll cut the tomato just like you like it.

Thin, thin, thin.

Samira would cook for you.

Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.

Mmm. My favorite type of dropping.

Mama, I have something I need to tell you.

I can't marry her.

What? You already have three wives I don't know about?

- No. - Then it's allowed.

But it's my life, and I should be able to decide.

- Mama! Mama! Mama! - Oh, the pain! The pain!

Help! Help!

You're fine.

We could foxtrot to the beat of your heart.

I am watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.

After I die, I don't want your mother washing my body.

I'm sure she'll be heartbroken, but you're not going to die.

You just have a little indigestion.

You're protecting me.

Oh.

She really going to be okay?

- She'll outlive us both. - Even if it kills us.

Fred Tupper

They are performing gay marriages at Mercy Anglican,

Our Lady of the Holy Fruit.

What kind of man performs a gay marriage anyway? Hmm?

Someone very intimate,

pun fully intended, with the gay lifestyle?

Who knows what other secrets are lurking in the closets of Mercy...

Listen to that.

He hates gays and Muslims, and we thought he was a one-trick pony.

Sure you want to do this?

I baptized Johnny. To turn my back on him now would be a sin.

What would you do?

This is definitely outside the Muslim definition of marriage.

Amaar, you must call Magee this very instant.

Oh. Well done.

Now tell him that a Muslim congregation cannot share a building

with a tutti-frutti priest.

Marrying two men does not make me gay.

It doesn't even make me happy, but it's the right thing to do.

Don't make us give you your notice.

Baber, you're forgetting. We're the tenants, he's the landlord.

Then we will have to give ourselves our notice.

When you two figure it out, let me know. I'll be in my office.

We won't leave, and even if we wanted to, you won't be able to find a mosque.

It took Yasir a year to find this place.

Yasir is lazy. I can find us a mosque just like that. Hmm.

What can I get you today, Johnny?

- I want to order some curry. - Coming up.

Oh, no, no. It's for my wedding reception.

I'll cater the marriage once you find a nice girl.

Oh. Fatima, color me shocked.

I thought you got over the homo thing by your second aquafit class.

I like you, but there are rules I cannot break.

If that's the way it's going to be, I'll have to go to the Mercy Diner.

For curry?

Well, it's not as good as yours, but if we can't have the best...

I don't approve of homosexuality,

but I hate the Mercy Diner.

- I'll get you a menu by today. - I love you, Fatima.

If that's allowed by grumpy old Islam.

Ah.

How are you today, Mother Hamoudi?

The pain in the hip helped me forget the pain in the knee.

- Oh. - How nice of you to ask.

I am always there for you, Mother Hamoudi.

Wait a minute.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I don't understand why you're being so nice to me.

- Ah, my two favorite... - You haven't told her yet, have you?

I'm working up to it.

Yasir is marrying Samira.

Yasir!

I told her, but then she had a mild heart attack.

Then tell her again and finish the job.

Yasir's the man of the house. He's made up his mind.

Mama, I haven't decided anything yet.

What is there to decide? Ugh!

- Sarah, you know I love you. - No!

Please! Don't walk out on me now! Don't! No!

No, Sarah! No!

Some people just can't take no for an answer.

Hi.

- I love an office with that lived-in look. - Oh, sorry, I had to sleep here.

- Oh. Wife number two's night? - No, no, no.

I put an end to that polygamy nonsense. I'm out.

At last.

I never thought that whole Muslim thing was working for you.

No, Ann, I'm still a Muslim.

Which is wonderful,

- because it's your faith... - Yeah.

...And you believe in it, and it's good stuff.

But seriously, how long are you going to be sleeping in my office?

Till Yasir stands up to his mother.

Good thing I'm running for a third term.

Yes, that's right. We want to rent a hall for a mosque.

No, no, no, not mask, mosque.

Where Muslims worship Allah... Hello?

Price is right, and I like the neighborhood.

The garage. That's okay. Yeah.

We have to share it with your band?

Where is it?

Upstairs from adult XXX video?

Perhaps you could tell me something.

I've always wondered, do the X's stand for hugs or kisses?

Ugh.

What's happened to reason?

Why should taking a second wife cause so much bother?

Polygamy is a dying tradition.

Even in countries where it's legal, very few Muslim men take a second wife.

Seriously, how many wives did your husband have?

I was more than enough for my husband.

Yes, I can believe that, Grandma.

Yasir's special. He needs a real wife.

Grandma!

Sarah is not my favorite person.

She's a bad Muslim, a lousy mother...

Do you have a point here?

...But she is the only wife for Yasir.

Thank you, Fatima.

What's wrong with you two? Are you feminists?

Oh, finally, a Muslim man that looks like a Muslim man.

Baber, you remember my grandmother?

Sister Hamoudi!

Did you fly here by time machine?

Because you look so much younger than the last time I saw you.

Slow down, Romeo.

First we'll get my son married, then you and I will talk.

No, no, I am not looking for a wife.

I was looking for our new mosque.

What's wrong with the one we have?

We can't have a mosque in a church full of drag queers.

It's "queens." It's "drag queens."

Whatever they are, we have to protest.

- I need your help, Fatima. - I can't.

I'm serving the food at the wedding.

You're catering this abomination?

That's an abomination!

Good food is a point of pride at a wedding.

Gay pride. It should be "gay ashamed"!

Am I in a parallel universe?

You're praying.

What's wrong?

The love of my life, since I was 20, walked out on me for no good reason.

Other than the extra toothbrush that's moving into your bathroom.

All right, all right.

How am I gonna get out of this?

The Quran has the perfect solution for you.

Say no to your mother.

Fair enough. Yes, that's an excellent plan B.

Now, what about a plan A?

Too bad you and Sarah didn't have a prenuptial agreement excluding polygamy.

We could draw one up right now.

You could dig deep into that ex-lawyer brain of yours,

and dream up some Latin mumbo jumbo.

Here's some Latin mumbo jumbo for you. "Pre" means "before."

The law isn't retroactive.

Not even Islamic law?

Especially not Islamic law.

And now, at Mercy Anglican,

the same institution that welcomed terrorists,

is opening its back door to yet another evil.

An evil that could very well undermine our way of life,

queer marriage.

Wake up, people!

Now, let's go to our live coverage where we're raising funds

for the "Neuter a Cat for a Kid Who Can't" campaign.

If you want a sign, you take it from there.

Oh, it's you.

Can I help you with something?

We heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.

Yes, against the abomination.

Oh. I thought it was against gay marriage.

Yes, gay marriage. I just like saying "abomination."

Abomination. Me too.

- Abomination. - Abomination.

Abomination.

- Abomination. - Very good.

Yeah, yeah.

- Like the first two times. - Abomination. Hmm.

Yasir.

Drinking tea from your inbox, is that a Lebanese tradition?

It's just a little experiment.

"Pre-marriage contract."

Yasir, this is deceitful. I can't be a part of this.

Fine, but as long as you don't tell anyone.

It's imam-client privilege.

- Hey, Mom. - Oh, hi!

Okay, I brought what you asked for, but I think you should come home.

Thank you, darling. Let's see.

Fresh undies, jammies, shampoo.

What's missing?

Oh, yes, your father and his mother. Perfect!

Come on, Mom. He'll stand up to her. Eventually.

And I'll come home. Eventually.

"I thought you were going home tonight," she asked hopefully.

I never said that.

So say it now.

She's right, Mom. You should go home to Dad. He loves you.

Unless you want to stay at my house.

Go ahead, leave your husband, just like I did.

And neither of us will have sex ever again!

Okay, fine. You win. I'll go home. But he's on the couch.

Have you seen these? We'll give them something to protest.

You're a great man, Reverend Magee.

But we've talked, and we can't let you do this.

What do you mean?

I haven't been this pumped up

since taking on the Franciscan Flyers in the field hockey.

I'm sorry. We've made up our minds.

Love is worth fighting for. You can't cancel the wedding.

Oh! No, we're not canceling it. We're having it in Toronto.

Oh. We found this fabulous church. Spa and massage included.

Toronto?

Oh, you people are all alike.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I understand.

Hating Toronto can cloud anyone's judgment.

Come on, honey.

Bye-bye.

I'm very sorry, Mama, but it's all there in the prenuptial.

It smells.

I had it in my sock drawer.

- Like Earl Grey. - Next to some tea bags.

But that puts an end to it. I can't marry Samira.

Oh, thank you, Yasir.

You came back to me.

Yasir!

Come on, let's go for a walk.

You're a doctor.

Can you walk when your heart has been broken into a million pieces,

scattered into the dirt, spat on, and then kicked into the gutter?

As long as you wear sensible shoes, yes. Come on.

I told you, they went to Toronto.

Thank you.

You're saying that to throw us off their scent.

Their perfumed scent.

Actually, that's me.

This month's Jogging Today had a cologne sample.

You should go, and take your signs with you.

Every litter bit hurts.

There's really nobody inside?

Baber, I wish I could tell you the church was filled with gay people.

He really does.

This is stupid. I'm going home.

Joe, there'll be other days, other sinners.

- Come on, I'll buy you a beer. - Muslim!

Then you can buy me a beer.

That looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Oh, darling. You bake, I get excited.

Now, look.

See? Empty. Empty. No other wives.

Aren't you sorry you doubted me?

Yeah, well, sometimes I'm sorry I married you, like when I read this.

Ah, yes. I drew that up

because, of course, I knew it would close the issue forever.

- My mother... - Calm down.

- I read the contract, and it's not bad. - Hmm.

- I knew you'd understand. - I even added a few clauses.

- I see. - Yeah.

Yes. Anything for you, darling.

- For you... "Laundry every week." - Non-negotiable.

"Cleaning out the garage." But everything there has a use.

- No, no. Non-negotiable. - Hmm.

"Chick flick Fridays."

I'm going to start with The Notebook.

Okay, this last clause... Uh...

You're not up to it?

I think it might need some practice, darling, to get it right.

- You'd better get right on it then. - Right now?

Mmm-hmm. After all, darling, a contract is a contract.