Original subtitles

Brother Amaar, that was a wonderful sermon, just wonderful.

Yasir, I'm so glad you liked it. What was your favorite part?

The end bit. The ending bit.

Sarah, Rayyan, did you enjoy the sermon, what you could hear over Yasir's snoring?

Sleeping allows your words to penetrate my subconscious.

Then you must have that opera I took you to last week

completely memorized.

My darling... She's my favorite spin doctor.

Yasir, try to be truthful. You're in a mosque.

That he rented in a church to get free office space, mind you.

Nonsense. Muslim first, businessman second. Excuse me.

Ooh.

Got to run. Hot tubs don't install themselves, you know.

Sarah, who is that?

Oh, right, 'cause white people all know each other.

I thought that maybe you've seen him at the bowling alley, bingo,

or some other Western den of vice.

Baber.

Hello. I'm Amaar, the imam of this mosque.

An imam is like a priest.

I know. I heard your khutbah. I'm Marlon.

Wow. Arabic, that's impressive.

I'm very serious about converting to Islam.

Isn't that wonderful? A convert. I am Baber.

Hello, I'm right here. I'm a convert too.

Yes, but he is serious.

- Hi, I'm Sarah. - Hi.

That's wonderful, Marlon.

What a blessing! Our first real convert!

Can you believe Baber suggesting I don't take Islam seriously?

Come on. It's not like you pray five times a day.

- It's not that I don't want to. - It's just that you don't want to.

No, I am very busy.

Busy not praying?

I can so be a good Muslim. In fact, you know, I'll even bet you.

Muslims don't gamble, Mom.

- Pinky-shake then. - Okay.

Five prayers a day for a whole week.

A week? Honey, I will go you a month.

Do I need to make a wish?

Mom is going to pray five times a day for a month.

- What? - I thought she said

that you will pray five times a day for a month.

Honey, bring me my prayer mat.

Prayer mat? Do you even own a...

Yes, my precious, your prayer mat. I'll be right back.

Okay, this will help you keep on schedule. It goes off five times a day in Arabic.

It's not something you'd want to take through airport security.

- How does it work? - Press that.

For your prayers, darling.

- On that thing? - Assume the position of faith.

Uh...

Are you facing northeast?

Uh, let me see. Our bedroom faces south, so, no, I have to move it this way.

- Bedroom faces southeast. - Oh. Oh!

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Are we related? I want a DNA test.

No, no, no. It's south.

- Southeast. Oh. - Southeast, yes.

- Yes. - Yeah, that's...

I'll pick you up a copy of Islam For Dummies on my way home.

That's rather nice.

- Yeah. - Off you go, darling.

- This is right. - I can do it.

Hmm. More please. I love turkey bacon.

Shh. The regulars think it's pork.

May I please have another serving of the cloven-hoofed swine?

- Assalamu alaikum, my friends. - Walaikum assalam.

Are these your beautiful children?

No, we are not together. The boy is Fatima's. Female is mine.

"The female"?

- So, you two are divorced? - Oh, no, no.

My husband passed on.

Baber's wife passed on Baber.

I noticed your daughter doesn't wear the hijab.

Um... The wind was very strong today, and it must have blown off.

For the ninth-zillionth time, I am not wearing it.

Teenagers. It's her hormones.

Dad!

Gross!

- Why don't you lay down the law? - Why don't you mind your own business?

I was talking to Brother Baber, sister.

I am not your sister.

Perhaps we could continue this talk man-to-man at my house.

We could quiz each other on Quranic verses, huh?

That would be great.

There's a few choice verses I could stump you on.

Don't be so sure, buddy.

Assalamu alaikum, Marlon.

I'd like you to come by the mosque later for your conversion.

The shahadah. Excellent.

Allahu Akbar!

How joyous!

At this rate, we'll convert every white person in town to Islam.

- Indoor voice, Baber. - Sorry.

- Jesus, Mary and Joseph. - Oh! Oh.

I'm sorry, Ann. I was just praying.

Wow, you and Yasir must have been extra naughty this weekend.

No, it's not that.

Although, there was this one thing

where he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as...

- I'm sorry. What were we talking about? - Praying.

Yeah. You see, I'm just trying to take Islam a little more seriously.

Great. Take it out by your desk. Seriously.

But it's so open out there. I can't pray in front of everybody.

Fine. I will respect your constitutional right

to religious expression.

Just don't let it happen again.

Allahu Akbar.

Could you...

How can I put this nicely?

Your Muslim moon is on the rise.

- What? - No, no.

Let me just move my desk, shall I?

No, listen, I will just move the mat...

...a little bit more to the west.

I bear witness that there is no God but God,

and Muhammad is his messenger.

And that completes the shahadah.

Takbir.

Allahu Akbar.

- Takbir. - Allahu Akbar.

- Takbir. - Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

Easy! Easy, puppy!

Well, I have an economics class to teach, so...

What, right now? I was hoping we could chat.

Who else is going to teach my students how the West exploits Muslims?

The satanic Western dogs need to be taught a lesson they will never forget!

You let me know what that lesson is and I'll put it on my next exam.

- Assalamu alaikum. - Walaikum assalam.

Walaikum assalam.

I gotta get me one of those.

I didn't know you were still here.

Too bad you didn't invite anyone to the ceremony.

My parents disowned me.

Yeah, well, my parents aren't thrilled with me, either.

Thank God for my friends.

I don't have any friends.

Oh. Um...

Well, at least you have Allah.

You're a credit to the faith, Marlon.

Between you and me, Sarah and Yasir don't take Islam very seriously.

And Baber can't get his daughter to wear the hijab.

Marlon, uh, gossip is a sin in Islam.

Yes. There are many gossips in this congregation.

We can talk more about them if we spend the day together.

Oh. Actually, I was going to catch a show.

- You're going to see a movie? - Yeah, unless Phantom is coming to town.

Isn't that a sin?

There's only that one good tune, but that's hardly a sin.

I meant all the Western decadence.

I know what you meant.

Gotta fly. Let's go.

See you later, Marlon.

- Who is the kid? - Uh, new convert, bit over the top.

Any advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?

Join the clergy.

Just kidding.

Ooh. Let's go. I don't want to miss one minute of Halle Berry.

- Is it morning? - No, no, no.

- Oh. It's amor time? - No, not that. I have to pray.

Go back to sleep.

Allahu Akbar.

- Allahu Akbar! - Oh!

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're sure all your meat is halal?

There is no halal shop in Mercy. It's from the kosher butcher.

You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.

And you should stop patronizing me.

- Assalamu alaikum, Marlon. - Walaikum assalam, Rayyan.

Finally, a real Muslim.

Yeah, walks, talks and prays. Hijab sold separately.

You'd make an obedient wife.

Perhaps we could meet for coffee.

I don't meet men for coffee.

Oh, forgive me. I meant with a chaperone.

My chaperone has to wash her hair.

About your meat...

Perhaps you'd like to try the authentic Muslim restaurant on Jubilee Road.

I think I will, sister.

Bye.

There's no Muslim restaurant on Jubilee Road.

Jubilee Road in Nigeria.

Oh. Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.

I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.

It's Sarah.

There must be some rule in the Quran against praying too much.

Let me get this straight.

You're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?

She's obsessed. It's like when Rayyan was born.

She's up late at night. She's too tired...

- For her domestic duties? - No.

For sex.

Look, I know, but it wouldn't do you any harm to be a little more devout.

Never mind. I am starting to sound like Marlon.

I thought our new convert was God's gift to Islam.

That's a lovely way of looking at it, but what are we gonna do about him?

It's Sarah, the one to worry about. The kid's harmless.

You have an office in our mosque?

Yes. And business is heavenly.

This is no joke.

I'm taking this to the regional Islamic council.

They won't allow this desecration to continue.

Allahu Akbar!

- You were saying? - We got to get rid of this guy.

I can't remember if I prayed three or four times today.

See, Tuesday is our hump day.

It's Wednesday.

Am I five prayers short?

Oh, I... I...

Sarah, be a man. Give up.

Well...

Maybe I'll just have a little nap on the mat, just for a second.

Just... Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

- Sarah. - Huh?

I was wondering if you might do something for me.

- Sure. What? - Your job.

Hurry up. He'll be here any moment.

I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

That is a very good look for you.

Come, come, come.

Still no hijab?

Still no life?

- You'll let her talk to me like that? - Layla, go to your room.

Good. I'll be in my room. Bare-headed.

Have you tried beating her? It worked for the Taliban.

I suggest you find a role model a little bit closer to home.

Please have a seat. May I offer you some coffee?

I have to wake up at 05:00 and memorize the Quran.

Maybe some tap water?

Praise Allah.

You permit decadent music?

Layla, turn off that hippity-hop.

It's called hip-hop, and you bought it for me.

Sometimes these prayer CDs get mislabeled.

- Turn it off! - I hate you.

Perhaps Allah is punishing you with this devil child.

Perhaps Allah is punishing me with your company.

If he joined Islam to make friends, he's failed miserably.

Baber loves him.

I hate that white fool.

You were saying?

He might not mean Marlon. Baber, do you mean your friend Marlon?

Of course I mean bloody Marlon.

It looks like we're going to have to excommunicate this guy.

I'm not the pope. Though I'd love a big hat like that.

We're stuck with him?

Look, I'll try talking to him.

You can't talk to fanatics.

Sometimes, it takes converts a few years to settle down.

We'll just have to be patient.

I have been totally 100% patient.

Do you know anyone more patient than me? Huh?

If you come up with a good plan, let me know.

Otherwise, just go.

Fine. I will think of something.

Your move.

Yasir, I have got it.

What if we move the mosque and simply don't tell him?

Put it on casters, roll it around town?

I just can't believe that Marlon accused me, of all people,

of decadent behavior.

Baber, that's brilliant!

I wouldn't put it that way. No, no, no, maybe I would.

I'm not saying you're brilliant.

You just said something that's given me a great idea.

I'm the brilliant one.

I definitely would not put it that way.

We make ourselves look decadent. Hmm?

Show him we are the worst Muslims in the world. Scare him off.

Away from Islam?

What if he falls into Christian hands? I mean, I would rather die.

Settle down, Saladin. The Crusades are over.

- You tell that to the Americans. - Baber, focus.

Call everyone. Tell them to meet us at Fatima's at 08:00.

- Should we tell Amaar? - Amaar said to tell him

if we came up with a good plan.

And this is a very bad plan. Okey-dokey. Yeah.

Sarah.

- Sarah! - Oh. Oh!

I kept the premier waiting for two hours because you...

Sorry. I'm sorry, Ann.

I'll go pray at home.

Then you're exhausted at work.

I'm a Christian, but I don't let it affect me.

Are you ordering me to stop?

- Are you asking me to order you to stop? - Yes.

No. Yes.

I think quitting has to come from the heart.

The weird thing is, I'm starting to enjoy praying.

That's the sleep deprivation talking. It's not like you bet money.

It's not like I'm actually quitting. It's like I'm recharging my batteries.

Keep the lie going and going and going...

- Well... - Tomorrow night.

Bingo at the church. Bring your dauber.

- I better rest up. I feel lucky. - Good girl.

- I'm a bad Muslim. - Yes, you are.

Yeah, I know.

This is so mean.

Are you sure we should do this to poor Marlon?

You mean your future husband?

Right. I'm in.

Fatima, everything set? Baber, ready to rock and roll?

I'm totally jiggy with it.

Okay, anything missing?

I'm sorry I'm late. I was just catching up on my sleep...

- I mean, my work. - Mom!

You look perfect. Where did you get the slutty outfit?

These are just my work... Oh. Very funny.

- Positions, everyone. He's coming. - Oh, oh.

Ooh, nice wig.

What the heck is going on here?

Welcome, Marlon. Welcome.

Ready to put the "slam" in Islam?

Yasir, you're wearing silk. That's forbidden for men.

You should see my thong.

Hmm.

Pork?

You can't eat pork.

What kind of wine should we serve, red or white?

Alcohol?

Oh. Look, it's Mr. B.

I pity the fool.

Gold on a man. No.

Shameful!

I know. They should be brown eggs.

Ah.

Music?

What is going on here?

Allah will punish you all.

I can't take it.

Allahu Akbar!

Ooh.

Did you see his face?

I thought he was gonna have a heart attack,

with the fake pork and the fake drink and the fake joviality.

Oh. Oh.

You know, I was joking about the thong.

This was a bad plan.

We're horrible Muslims.

Whose idea was this?

It may have been Brother Amaar's.

I know what we have to do. We have to pray.

I think that's east or northeast, or whatever...

I pray in this cafe every day. It's that way.

- No... - Ladies, Mecca is that way.

It appears you were a victim of a practical joke.

One that you were in on.

The last practical joke I was in on was when my dad asked me to pull his finger.

Some joke. Why would they do this to me?

Well, perhaps they thought you were being too judgmental.

I am not judgmental.

And Allah will punish them all for behaving like heathens.

Marlon, it's great that you found a new religion,

but you gotta ease into it.

You need to learn a little humility.

I hear you loud and clear, Amaar.

You know what you need to do.

I know exactly what I need to do.

Shake up your balls.

Come on, B-17.

Where is he with those daubers? I feel lucky tonight.

It's hard to get lucky when you got a dry dabber.

That's a good one.

Sarah, I think you should go home.

Amaar, shouldn't you be praying?

Shouldn't you be not gambling?

Amaar. Talk to him, Ann.

Imam trumps mayor. Go.

- Here, take my cards. - Ooh.

Good night.

- I'm positive he called... - You too.

Brother Amaar, I am one dab away from a double line bingo.

- Now. - You're right. He's right. He's right.

Mayor, play my cards. You look after them.

Clickety-click.

Looks like some of your lambs have burrs in their wool.

Religion would be so much easier without the followers.

Is that Marlon?

He came to me after you had your little lecture.

Apparently, he's decided Islam isn't his cup of chai after all.

I feel terrible. We let him down.

I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping.

I blame the Beatles.

I'm sorry he's come your way. Marlon can be a handful.

Frankly, I could use a little enthusiasm at our shop.

Besides, if it becomes too much, I'll send him off to the Jehovahs.

Let the game continue.

Under the I, Isaiah 27,

"Like the slaughter of God's slain, have they been slain."

Bingo!

Bingo, for the baby Jesus.

Hallelujah!