Original subtitles

Primo Halloween costumes at Mercy Party Store

for all your Halloween needs.

Stay tuned for Fred Tupper...

Look at the time. I gotta fly. Radio show is on in 15.

Oh. Thanks for reminding me.

Nice try, Fatima,

but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.

I disagree.

Shut up. See?

Well, fine, but I think it's worth pointing out

that I'm the only one that's being nice here.

Fatima?

- I am fine. - Fatima!

- You did a number on your knee there. - What, you're a doctor now?

I interview medical people on my show from time-to-time.

- Here, let me give you a hand. - A man cannot touch me!

Well, aren't you the sexist.

Someone call Rayyan. She's a doctor.

Oh, here, let me.

Oh, Fatima...

I came as soon as I heard.

Oh, you're bleeding.

No.

Actually, that blood's mine.

Mm.

Looks like a nasty sprain.

You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.

You've vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.

Oh, no. What does that mean?

Looks like a nasty sprain.

Our physiotherapist comes in on Tuesday afternoons.

Who's going to cook for my customers? You?

Not unless you have really good insurance.

How about swimming? The aquafit class meets at the pool.

The public pool? No. Swimming? I will not do it.

I told you, I was not comfortable with this.

Stop fussing. This is gonna be fun.

Where's the teacher? She's late.

What is that man doing here?

Okay, ladies. Welcome to aquafit.

Excuse me, hi.

Can you tell us when the women's class starts?

As soon as I decide if we're gonna go techno or salsa.

- What do you think, sister? - I'm not your sister.

There's been a mistake. We can't take this class.

Oh! What's the matter? Never met a friend of Dorothy before?

- Friend of Dorothy? - He means he's gay.

Look, you don't understand. We're Muslims.

Men can't see us in our bathing suits. They're too revealing.

Not revealing anything I'm interested in, okay?

The pool is broken. Let's go.

It's the pump. Needs a good hard scrub, but don't we all?

So, ladies, are you in or out?

Sorry, this isn't gonna work for us.

That's what I had to tell Becky Swanson at the prom.

Who is Dorothy?

You know, the gays, they love Judy Garland.

- Who's Judy Garland? - It's complicated.

This is all too much fuss!

I just want to sell the cafe and live in a cave.

Have you priced caves lately?

No, you have a right to swim.

But you just heard, it's impossible.

Don't worry, when your mom works for the Mayor,

nothing is impossible.

Impossible. It's not happening.

Oh, come on, Ann. Is my daughter's request so outrageous?

Can't the pool afford to hire one female lifeguard?

It's not money. It's optics.

Kowtowing to the Muslim community after that disastrous open house.

A small explosion in the mosque. What's the big deal?

When you say it out loud...

Lots of non-Muslim women prefer women's-only swims too.

What do you say? Can we look into it?

We can't afford it. I'm sorry, Rayyan.

You just said it wasn't about the money.

What are you, a reporter?

Fine, you get me 150 signatures on a petition,

I'll bring it up at the budget meeting next week.

Okay, 150 signatures.

Do they all have to be different?

Funny. She must get that from you.

Go. Her Worship has spoken.

- "Her Worship has spoken"? - Yeah. I...

- I like that. - Oh.

You know,

I'm gonna be Captain Jack Sparrow while I'm filling up my treasure chest.

And you're gonna be at home praying for candy.

Jamal, stop teasing.

You know she's not allowed to go trick-or-treating.

Okay, don't worry, Layla.

I'll bring candy at school so you can look at it.

It's so unfair! Can't you talk to my dad?

I can't talk to Baber. It's not my business.

You know, my dad says that only bad Muslims

let their kids go out and trick-or-treat.

Now it's my business. Maybe I will talk to him.

Good.

- I thought it was none of your business. - Mind your own business.

I thought you might need some help with your Friday sermon.

You did see the "do not disturb" sign on my door?

Oh, yes, don't worry. I won't let anyone disturb you.

Baber, I need time in my day for spiritual reflection.

Will the devil care about your "do not disturb" sign

when he comes knocking?

Okay, I'll bite. Why would the devil come knocking?

To get some candy!

Ah.

- Halloween? - It is pagan witchcraft.

When I was imam, my anti-Halloween sermon, it was the highlight of the year.

I'm sure it was.

For you.

Fine.

If you leave, I'll contemplate mentioning Halloween in my sermon.

What?

- Are you contemplating? - Are you leaving?

We've been through the budget twice. There's no money for this.

No, keep looking. Keep looking.

You know, as a Muslim woman, this is a crucial issue.

Let's look in the discretionary again.

All right, okay, here we go. Here's something.

The mayors' conference.

The Beijing trip?

You can't give up going to China. It would kill you.

You are so sweet.

But not me, you.

See that ten grand beside your name?

There's your lifeguard.

But I have to go.

That means "scrambled eggs, please" in Mandarin.

Write that down for me.

- But... - Good work, Sarah.

And if your kid comes through with the petition,

the Muslims will have their girl lifeguard.

That's wonderful. It's the best news I've had all year.

What was that noise?

Sound of a dream dying.

So, here's the petition.

All you have to do is get people to sign it.

How will I do that?

Either they sign or no food.

Ah. Like an election, in the old country.

Exactly.

Perhaps, we are causing too much trouble.

Sometimes, to change the world, you have to cause a little trouble.

I just have to swim, for my knee.

It's not about your knee.

It's about the knees of the entire Muslim world.

- Is this really necessary? - Yes.

Doctor's orders.

- What is that racket? - It's the pump.

Probably got a lot of hair clogged in there.

- Ew. - Too much information?

I see there's a few signatures on the petition already.

I guess you must be pretty upset about this.

- Upset? - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Cher's retirement upset me. This? I could care less.

But they're taking your women's aquafit class from you.

Boohoo. I'm really gonna miss waking up at 5:00 a.m.,

listening to women whine about their hot flashes.

No offense.

I'm sure I wouldn't know anything about that.

Right.

- What, are you against it? Is that it? - No, not at all.

As a Muslim and as a woman, I am completely for it.

Right.

You sound like I did

when I used to tell my mom I had a girlfriend.

What?

I don't suppose you're going to sign that.

Why not? I think a female instructor is a great idea.

I just thought as an intelligent, liberated woman,

you'd see this as a step backwards to gender apartheid.

You're just saying that 'cause you're skinny.

What do you care who sees you in a bathing suit.

Fine. You've probably already been to China.

- Housekeeping. - Very funny.

Can't I enjoy a few minutes of my privacy?

Are you recharging your spiritual batteries?

And that's why I put up the sign.

Oh, well, good for you. I hope everyone respects it.

Can you mention our petition at the end of Friday's sermon?

Yeah, fine. Right after I curse the devil for Baber.

Okay. Thanks.

Would you like me to close your door now?

As long as you're on the other side.

Oh, whatever side you're on, I'm on the other side.

So, you see my conflict?

One hundred percent, but...

You're not gonna try and sabotage Rayyan's petition, are you?

Of course not. I support it wholeheartedly.

- I'm gonna pretend to believe you. - Thank you, darling.

I think you should sign it. It's the right thing to do.

No. Because I love you, I will not sign.

Oh. Well, I tried.

Fred Tupper...

It's good Fred Tupper hasn't gotten wind of the whole lifeguard thing,

'cause he would rant about it and rant about it.

Yeah, that horrible man. That would be...

- Hello. - ...Awful.

Ah!

- Dad, will you sign my petition? - Because I love you, I will sign it.

Mom.

Oh! I'd love to, but I can't.

You see, I work for the Mayor, so sort of a conflict of interest.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Huge conflict. - Okay.

Makes sense.

Hmm.

I have to go put more of these around town.

- So bye. - Bye. See you.

Put it behind you, darling.

There'll be plenty of other opportunities for you to go to China.

Well, not in this lifetime.

If only Muslims believed in reincarnation.

Look at that. We're going to the Great Wall.

Great.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Is this hard on you? - No.

- No, should I look at this at home? - No, I'm fine.

You know, I was at the pool today. The petition is starting to fill up.

Oh, good. Victory for Islam.

You know what?

Next year, the conference is gonna be in... Buffalo.

Should be a blast.

- I'll count the days. - You do that.

I have to go. Passport pictures.

Your Worship.

Hey, toots. How's the knee?

If you care about my knee, sign the petition.

Petition?

Somebody finally running that pinko, Ann Popowicz, out of office?

It's a petition to hire a female lifeguard.

Oh, a chick lifeguard. Finally a reason to get mouth-to-mouth.

- Hi, Fred. - Mrs. Hamoudi.

How are things down at that organic love farm you call Town Hall?

Not bad. We're starting a grow-op.

Just kidding.

So, I see you're signing that thing.

I know, I know. You think I'm a male chauvinist pig

who wants to sit around and ogle some Baywatch babe in the chair.

- You can't stop me. I'm signing. - No, that's good. I want you to.

Hold it. Ding, ding, ding! Alarm bells.

- You want me to sign this? - Yeah, sure, I do.

As a woman and a Muslim woman...

Whoa! Is this part of your wacky cult?

Well, Muslim women don't believe in co-ed bathing, but it's really got...

What? Muslims dictating town hiring practices?

"The great Islamic swimming pool cover-up.

"Today, we bare all on Wake Up People!"

Thanks for the tip.

God, I am good at my job.

Fred...

Wake up, people!

Ten grand down the dumper for a female lifeguard.

Just another day at Town Hall.

These people flush away money like they're the CBC.

Today, a brand-new topic to cut our teeth on.

Islam and why it's evil. Give me a buzz.

Can't you give me a little more time?

Fred's ravings really slowed signatures down.

I'm sorry, Rayyan. The budget meeting is tomorrow morning.

Oh, well, we tried. Better luck next time.

But we're so close.

Close only counts in horseshoes.

Do Muslim play horseshoes?

I find these little cultural differences so interesting.

Can we focus, please?

Oh, Rayyan, I'm sorry. We had no choice. Right, Ann?

How did Fred find out that the lifeguard was for the Muslims?

Good question.

You leave it to me. I will get to the bottom of this.

Thank God he doesn't know about our trip to China.

No.

He'd have a conniption over the cost.

- You're going to China? - Yes.

Routine trip, nothing special. Waste of time. Worst part of the job.

- Why are you acting so weird? - Weird?

Honey! Oh, you've had some bad news. Go grab a nap.

What?

Nobody answered my question about the horseshoes.

Jack-o'-lanterns!

Desecration!

In the house of Allah!

Oh, Baber, I'm so glad you're here.

There's something I've been meaning to say to you.

Mind your own business!

Islam is my business.

- How dare you let your son... - How dare I?

It's only Halloween.

It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing.

- We're not? - Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere.

What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?

You can do that?

I will not allow this.

I will not allow you to not allow this.

- I will not allow this devil worship. - Let go of the pumpkin.

- Pumpkins have more brains... - Have some respect...

Go make some pies...

In the name of Allah...

My daughter doesn't want to. She's a good Muslim.

- No, I'm not. I swear. - You hear that?

- This evil Western god... - Let it go!

That's enough!

My mosque, my rules.

Carving pumpkins is inappropriate.

Halloween is not a Muslim holiday.

Thank you, brother Amaar.

The only solution is...

Having an Islamic version.

We'll call it Halal-oween.

You're mocking me.

I'm serious.

The kids can get dressed up like non-human figures from the Quran.

Like what? A fig?

That's good.

Or an olive.

Or a date.

Or...

An olive.

You can't have a problem with that.

I could. I was going to be a pirate.

Never mind.

It is too dangerous. Layla could get poisoned by white people.

Not if she has a Muslim escort. Right, Fatima?

I can't walk with my bad knee.

- One lump or two? - Two, please.

I haven't had a moment's peace all day.

Amaar, maybe you're coming at this the wrong way.

Explain.

Well, what I admire about Islam

is that you don't leave your faith behind when you leave the mosque.

Everything you've done this week is spiritual.

- Everything? - It's all God's work.

Petitions? Halloween hysterics?

Amaar, we all have our cross to bear.

Or the Muslim equivalent.

Mm. L'chaim.

Let's make this quick.

I have to get home and pray for forgiveness.

- Can't believe I'm a stupid fig. - Would you rather be an olive?

My Halal-oween, my rules.

Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.

Osama?

Who's next?

What do we have here? Oh, Mr. Bones.

Dressing up like the Taliban.

That's so topical.

Taliban?

Absolutely marvelous.

Marvelous.

- But what are these kids supposed to be? - Ugh.

Children today, they have no imagination.

Nice costume, fig.

Rayyan, what makes you possibly think your mother would sabotage your petition?

Fatima told me she saw her talking to Fred.

Honey, you have to believe me. It just came out. I tried...

I knew it. How could you?

I know that you don't like some of Islam's rules about women,

but Fred Tupper?

He's the enemy.

Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition.

I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition.

I mean... Okay, did I sabotage the petition?

You know you did.

You undermined me so you could go on a trip. That's evil.

Oh, my God, that's exactly what I did. But it was sleazy, not evil.

- Dad! - Don't blame me, I signed.

- Great. - I can't be here right now.

No, Rayyan. Please, honey, I...

Beware the bad terrorist!

Here I come.

Osama's going to get you.

Can we go home now?

I finally feel at home in this godless Western society.

Look, those decorations, I bet they are fizzy candy hearts.

Maybe when she gets to China, she'll catch the bird flu.

Rayyan.

Well...

I'm tired of being nice all the time. Maybe I should be selfish for a change.

Hmm.

So far, so good.

Uh, hi, I'm Rayyan.

I am the injured party in all of this.

What about the other injured party?

Oh, God.

Fatima.

You're right. I am horrible.

Small "h" horrible.

Fatima is going to have to wear an Islamic swimsuit.

Is it that bad?

Well, let's just say she won't be cold.

Okay.

Back to wishing your mother had the bird flu.

A mild strain. Maybe a little ear bleeding.

- Rayyan... - Mmm-hmm.

I think you need to pray.

I think you're right.

I will go do that and, um...

I'm sorry for taking you away from your spiritual time.

It's all spiritual.

Okay.

Just like that, the whole damn pump blows in the middle of the night.

They had to put in a new one.

So, when will they reopen?

It'll be open again this afternoon.

- Oh. - But here's the really ironic part.

It costs ten grand to fix.

I'm not going to China, am I?

Don't worry.

I'll bring you back a genuine Chinese souvenir.

A knockoff Louis Vuitton bag.

Wow! I wonder where she got that.

That would really cover up my cellulite.

Ooh. Welcome back.

So, you're good to go?

Yes, I'm here to fix my knee.

Girl, about that get-up...

You make that work.

So, techno or salsa?

- Salsa. - Okay.

Whoo! You ready?

Sorry.

Okay, girls, in the pool.

It's aquafit time.

Move what God gave you.

Slice or zest?

Mm, today, I would like zest.

Ah.

My reason for living. How was work?

- Fine. Hi, sweety. - Hi.

Did you hear about the pool pump?

Yes, I believe the Hindus call that "karma."

I was selfish and horrible.

- Yes, you were, but so was I. - Ha.

Although, much less so.

- Ah. - You two are exactly alike.

- Mm, no, we're not. - No, we're not.

- I'll get it. - Who's that?

Well, to show that I'm not still mad, I ordered dinner.

I don't deserve you, darling.

Chinese, anyone?

- Funny. - I must get that from you.

Yeah.

- I can't believe you did that. - Yeah, well, I got your favorite.