Original subtitles

Fred Tupper

We're back with Wake up, People!

Folks, everybody knows that Freddy Tupper goes out of his way

to think the best of your Muslims.

But I won't give them a free pass.

Did you know that the lights at Mercy Mosque

flicker on and off every night, hmm?

Are they sending some kind of secret signals?

Look, I'm not saying there's any cause for paranoia.

But how much longer will it be before we're all speaking Muslim?

Keep your eyes open, folks.

Don't let down the old guard-arino, and wake up, people!

Freddy Tupper, over and out.

Yes, Mrs. Birchwood, will do. Thank you.

Are you listening to this?

Huh?

- Oh, yes, lovely tune. - No!

Fred Tupper, spewing his hate, talking about flickering lights and...

That's another reason for you to fix the wiring.

It's on the top of my to-do list for next week.

I'd love for it to be on top of your to-done list.

Well, then consider it "to-done."

First, I have to meet a very important client.

Hang on, before you go,

I was planning on holding an open house next week.

- I could use your help. - Did I say I'd help?

- Not yet. - Good. 'Cause I cannot.

Don't you care about improving the image of the Muslim community?

Absolutely, in my off season.

Don't you care about bringing people together?

A good, great hobby, when I retire.

Don't you care about making dozens of new business contacts?

As I was saying, I would love to help with the open house.

What should I do?

I'll fix the lights.

When do you plan to have the open house?

- As soon as possible. - It sounds like a great photo op.

You know what I say about photo ops.

Hello, photo op.

I'm pretty much out of...

Oh, sorry.

...Town by the middle of the month. How about Sunday?

Ah.

- Perfect. - A celebration of diversity.

That'll be our poster.

Ugh! It's not gonna be one of those multiculti-snooze fests

with long speeches and bad skits, is it?

- No offense. - I'll cancel the camel ride.

Camel rides?

- He's kidding. - I know.

I'll gather input from everyone, boil it down to a ten-minute presentation.

Oh. Could I hand out brochures about my new tax plan?

I don't know what taxes have to do with Islamic...

You know what? I think I might have a conflict.

No.

Come to think of it, kids love tax brochures.

You'd make a good politician.

- Perfect. - Thank you.

I like the work you've done on our family room, Yasir.

"Only use the best." This is my motto.

I thought your motto was, "We build cheap."

I only have room for one motto on my truck.

There's just one problem.

The lighting, it's a bit modern.

I can use older stock. I keep everything. Everything.

If Mrs. Birchwood wants new fixtures, no problem, no extra cost.

What's wrong with your lighting?

I'll have my electricians fix it as soon as possible.

- After they've finished at your house. - That's what I like to hear.

Now, the missus wants a warmer feel.

She saw something in a hotel in Provence.

Which "province," Manitoba or Saskatchewan?

You're witty. I like that. Provence in France.

Importing from Europe is very expensive.

Good thing you're picking up the difference then.

- I did say that, didn't I? - Yes, you did.

Another thing...

All the rewiring has to be done by Sunday, wife's birthday.

- This Sunday? - I trust that's not a problem.

Twice as much time as I need.

Give me your cards. I'll hand them out at the club.

- The country club? - Mm.

Don't waste them on the caddies.

Don't worry, I never talk to caddies.

A mosque is not a tourist attraction.

I won't support the open house.

You don't support the fight against ignorance and hatred?

I'd support it if white people weren't so ignorant and hateful.

People are afraid of things they don't understand.

That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.

All these foreigners trooping in.

We're going to need security guards, metal detectors, bomb sniffing dogs.

Okay, if you're so worried about your personal safety,

why don't you stay home this Sunday?

This Sunday?

No, no, no. That's impossible.

I said I would fix the lights before the open house.

- I promised. - And?

And it's twice as long as I need.

- You'll be home for dinner? - I should be. What are we having?

Couscous, chicken curry and a veggie stir fry.

Mom, you're really getting ambitious. In that case, I'll definitely be there.

- I gotta get my purse. - Okay.

- You'll have the takeout ready, right? - Of course.

Good.

- You're doing the cooking, right? - Of course.

Thank God.

Baber, you're being paranoid.

Nothing bad is going to happen at the open house.

Nothing's going to happen, good or bad, unless Yasir fixes the lights.

He promised.

- Promises mean nothing to him. - My promises mean everything to me.

I promised to find a mosque by Ramadan. I found a mosque.

I promised to find an imam who'd work almost for free.

- Just say you'll get the lights fixed. - I'll fix the lights.

You're just saying it.

Yes, but I will fix the lights.

These power surges are driving me nuts. I feel like I'm on death row.

Dead Man Walking?

Yasir.

You don't know what you're doing. What kind of contractor are you?

I'm an excellent contractor.

And as an excellent contractor, I can tell you,

I'm the last man I'd hire to fix this wiring.

Get one of your electricians. That's why you get the free office space.

This is my number one priority.

This should be your...

Sure.

Hamoudi Contracting.

Mrs. Birchwood? Yes, how are you?

Yes, I'll be right there.

- Nice, don't you think? - Beautiful.

That's why I'm here.

I don't want anyone

thinking Islam treats women as second-class citizens.

I agree completely.

And I'd love your input. I think you have a unique take on this.

Unique?

- Really? - Sure.

I think people would find it surprising that there's a Muslim feminist.

They'd never believe it. It's like finding a friendly Torontonian.

They see the headscarf, they think oppression.

They can't get their head around it.

- You need help with this, don't you? - Yeah.

Thanks for helping advertise the open house.

It's the least I can do.

For a paying customer.

Oh.

Right, I'll have a plate of fries.

So, you must have tons of information on the influence of Islam in Africa.

Yes, from an African perspective.

You usually only hear the missionary position.

- What? - Forget it.

Men.

- Looking good. - Brother Amaar.

I thought we could teach the infidels a little bit of Arabic.

Before the open house on Sunday,

can you find a better word than "infidels"?

- How about heathens? - No.

- Crusaders? - No.

- The faithless? - Keep trying.

Okay, I'll come up with something.

What do you think of this?

"Minbar" is "pulpit."

And maybe a big sign, "Masjid equals mosque."

Cool, it's like Sesame Street.

"Today's show is brought to you by the letter aleph."

Which reminds me, have you got the metal detector yet?

Will you drop the paranoia? Or get a radio show.

I've got it.

"Barbarians"!

Stand and fight, human.

One of my last remaining venial sins, I'm afraid.

At least the power's on in here.

Yasir knew about the electrical problem when he signed.

He said he'd upgrade it.

He's going to, for the open house.

I just came here to invite your congregation to join us on Sunday.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah... I'm afraid some of my blue hairs

are a tad uncomfortable with the little mosque next door.

A little too much Fred Tupper in their diet.

Mm. Speaking of diets, Fatima's doing the food.

Ooh. That ought to get the old darlings in.

- As long as dinner's ready by 4:30. - Great.

I'll let you get back to your venial sin.

Mere distraction. I don't take it seriously.

Fight me, cowardly human!

Come on, you alien scum!

Here's one I get at the clinic.

"Why do you Muslims pray all the time, hmm?"

Okay, let me get this one.

You see, my pasty white friend, it is like this.

In prayer, every muscle and bone in the body

joins the mind and the soul in the glory and worship of Allah!

No. That'll sound too weird for our Christian visitors.

Weird? They drink Jesus's blood.

Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.

Then he'd never say anything.

Amaar, you can help us.

We're rehearsing our speeches for the open house.

Speeches? You don't need to make speeches. It's the imam's job to explain things.

You're saying we don't need to worry our pretty little heads about this?

Baber's head isn't all that pretty, but, yes.

What do you know about being a Muslim woman?

- Or a black Muslim woman? - Or a Muslim man?

He doesn't even have a beard.

If I don't get to talk, I'm out.

- I knew this was a bad idea. - I'm with Baber.

We're... What's the word?

- Boycotting. - I was going to say "pissed off."

But, yes, we're boycotting.

I guess it's just you and me.

You've got that half right.

And need I even remind you, folks,

that our illustrious she mayor, Comrade Popowicz,

has been duped once again

by her public relations flack, Sarah Hamoudi.

Note the Muslim surname.

"She mayor" again? Who writes his material?

Oh, suck it up. He calls me Florence of Arabia.

- Someone has to stop him. - Yes.

And now, apparently, our Muslim friends are having an open house.

I suppose the suicide bombers will be selling date squares.

And the kiddies will be bobbing for hand grenades.

You should go on his show.

- You know what'd be better? - Poison darts?

- Your tongue is sharper, you do it. - Me?

- Chicken? - No!

Yes. No. Bring him on.

Good, but...

Order the poison darts as a backup.

Now they're all boycotting the open house because I won't let them talk.

How did they get the idea that they were making speeches?

I don't know.

Probably from me.

Look, I used to be a lawyer. I'm still not that great with people.

What do I do?

You might want to try begging.

- You think? - Time-honored Christian tradition.

How do Muslims feel about it?

We can't get enough of it.

We beg for forgiveness from Allah all the time.

I'm not so sure about begging to people. How do I do that?

Be a man.

Grovel.

Yes, yes, Mrs. Birchwood, warmer lights.

But your husband said we were going Provençal,

so you can see where I might have gotten that idea.

- No, no, no, Italian... - Italian is just as nice.

Yes, I'll have every electrician in town at your house in an hour.

- Not quick enough. I want... - In half an hour.

- That's what I like to hear. - Thank you.

- Yes. - Goodbye.

- Why can't women make up their minds? - I have no idea.

Which one should I wear on Fred's show?

And you've been shopping.

- I like the less expensive one. - This one makes me look clever.

This one is more flirty. What do you think? I can't decide.

It's radio, no one will see what you're wearing.

Fred will, that worm.

Always important to look your best when meeting worms.

- Glad you're both here, we have a crisis. - Okay. Which one?

Clever? Flirty?

Each is a form of vanity, so it's hard to choose.

Please, less imam, more Armani.

- What's this for? - I'm going on Fred's show.

Oh, I'd go with a bulletproof vest.

We have a real problem with the open house.

We know, we know. Sarah's taking care of it.

- I'll drop you off, darling. - Bye.

Sarah's taking care of what?

Fred Tupper

Now, then, Mrs. Hamoudi,

why is the mayor's office so eager to jump into bed with terrorists?

Do you really think that all Muslims are terrorists?

- Are you saying no Muslims are terrorists? - No, of course not.

I mean, you're the mayor's PR person and your husband's a Lebanese Arab Muslim.

- Co-winki-dink? - Yes.

- Look, do you know who Angus Birchwood is? - One of Mercy's most respected citizens.

- He's a smart man, right? - He's a...

You can't trick me into saying anything bad about him.

- Would he hire a terrorist? - Of course not.

My Muslim husband is renovating his house right now.

Ergo, my husband is not a terrorist, see?

You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

- Well, it's the suit. - I got my eye on you people.

- Mercy needs to be informed. - Yes, they do.

So come to the open house on Sunday and see for yourself.

- Don't talk to my audience. - Don't let him bully you.

- Ignore her. - Wake up, people!

That's my line and copyrighted.

- And it's wake up, people! - Wake up, people!

I'm glad you're all here, I've something important to say.

- I was just leaving me. - Me too.

- I need to check my soup. - Guys, please wait.

I know you're all upset because I'm not letting you speak.

I'll take stating the obvious for 200, please, Alex.

- Are you trying to rub it in? - No.

At the Friday sermon, it's my job to speak on behalf of the entire congregation.

But on Sunday, I need your help.

You want me to beg?

Yeah.

Please, I'm begging you. Stop the silliness.

Oh, so now we're silly?

Come on, guys. I really need your help. Please forgive me.

Amaar, stop groveling.

It's really unattractive, yet strangely satisfying.

So the boycott's off?

- Okay. - Yes.

Alhamdulillah. The lights are finally working.

I thought they'd find bin Laden first.

Your electricians did a great job, Yasir. Thanks for fixing the lights.

- You're welcome. - Baber?

What he said. No, stop that. You're going to give me a seizure.

- Madam Mayor, so nice of you to join us. - Thank you. Where should I stand?

- How about right here? - Thank you.

First visitors. Come on in. Hi.

- I'm the one you heard on Wake Up, People. - Wake up, Sarah.

- Pleasure to have you here. - Hi, come on in.

Hi... Could you take your boots off, sir?

- Your boots... - Lovely to see you.

Welcome to the mosque.

Come on in.

- Hello. - Hi. Thank you so much for coming.

Islam has five pillars, and they are...

Hey, you guys got a minibar instead of a pulpit.

So where do you keep the vino?

It is "minbar."

Not minibar.

Muslims aren't allowed to drink alcohol.

Not even a couple of brewskies during Grey Cup?

- Never. - No hooch? I'd pray five times a day too.

I don't think Joe's going to be converting to Islam anytime soon.

- No. - Mm.

If you're a feminist, why do you cover your hair?

It's about modesty.

Hair is part of your sexuality, so you'd only show it to other women.

- So you're gay? - No!

No, I'd show it to my husband.

Okay. So you're married.

- No... - Not yet.

Can you show it to your boyfriend?

- Well... - Boyfriend? Muslims can't even date.

Mom, really. We do date.

You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.

No, it's like window shopping.

See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's going to be delicious.

Of course you do.

The cake could look good and still be crummy.

Or he might be a fruitcake.

- You know how we all feel about... - Mom!

Step away from the metaphor.

Okay, so, anyway, it's...

I think I'm just going to go talk to your reverend, priest-y, rabbi guy.

Oh.

- Thanks. - Okay.

Thank you.

- Mom, now she's... - It was good.

No, it wasn't.

- Nice turnout. - Mr. Birchwood,

it's such an honor to have you here at our little mosque.

It's a bit shabby.

If only they'd let you use some of that Hamoudi magic around here.

That's what I've been saying. Can I get you anything?

- No booze, I'm afraid. - I think I'll sample some of that curry.

- Smells delicious. - Absolutely.

And then the descendants of the companion of the Prophet

finally reached Africa.

And that takes us to the end of the eighth century.

Oh, dear God! I thought you were going to do this yourself.

- It's politics. I'm sure you understand. - Not really. I always get my own way.

Tax plan. Take two.

Did you know that business is a very important part of Islam?

Even the Prophet, peace be upon him, was a businessman.

Now, if you ever need any work done to your home, you know who to call.

We said bridge building, not home building, remember?

Amaar, look around you.

You have nothing to worry about. Pat yourself on the back.

The open house has gone off without a hitch.

It's an ambush!

Come, come, come.

Out!

Everybody out!

Everybody out!

Everybody out! Everybody out! Out!

All right, maybe one little hitch.

Let's go.

And I hate to say "I told you so," people of Mercy.

But I told you so, people of Mercy.

You know, you try to act neighborly.

And they try to blow you up.

We can at least thank our lucky stars

that this ragtag bunch of jihaderists couldn't actually build a bomb that works.

All right, next up, getting to know your new puppy.

I'm Fred Tupper.

Those infidels tried to blow us up!

This is our September 11th.

- Don't ever say that again. - But it's true.

Calm down. It was just a bit of smoke. Nobody got hurt.

Alhamdulillah.

I'm all right. I'm fine.

We should never have called the fire department.

- Look at the mess they made. - Yasir, there was an explosion.

The room filled with smoke.

It was a little electrical mishap.

You tried to fix the fuse box yourself, didn't you?

- I knew it. - It was your fault.

Yes, you made me promise. I'm a man of my word.

It was the only way to get it done on time.

Roll up those carpets, they're beginning to smell.

Come on.

Look at that!

- I'm sure Yasir didn't mean it. - He didn't do this alone.

- I helped him. - With the fuse box?

I tried to fix everything, make peace, create trust.

Then it turns out you're only human.

Which proves once again that only God is perfect.

You know, you can't stop mistrust and suspicion from popping up.

Which reminds me, you should have those guys take that dead body around back!

He's joking.

It's a carpet. It's just a carpet.

What?