Original subtitles

Come on, come on.

Assalamu alaikum. Let's get inside.

- Hello, my beautiful darling. - I'm sorry I'm late.

Assalamu alaikum. Let's hurry up inside. Yes. Come on.

Alhamdulillah, finally, our own mosque!

No more shuffling around from one basement to another.

Well done, Yasir.

- We can hold our heads high. - Yes, let's get inside. Let's get inside.

As Muslims, we must realize the enemy is not only out there,

the enemy is much closer than you think.

The enemy is in your kitchen.

Maybe while the enemy is in there, he could do the dishes.

- He may have a point. - Dad, Baber never has a point.

My point is this...

Wine gums.

Rye bread. Liquor-ish.

Western traps designed to seduce Muslims to drink alcohol!

His sermons will drive me to drink alcohol.

Patience, daughter. It's his last sermon. The new imam will be on his way very soon.

American Idol. Canadian Idol.

I say all idols must be smashed!

Desperate Housewives.

Why should they be desperate

when they're only performing their natural womanly duties?

- Did you tape last night's episode? - It was so good.

- Yeah... - Hey, tsk!

Sorry. I thought this was a...

I'm in the wrong place.

Um, excuse... No, wait, just...

Yeah, is this the terrorist attack hotline?

You want me to hold?

Mom, stop it with the guilt.

No, don't put Dad on.

I've been planning this for months. It's not like I dropped a bomb on him.

Well, if Dad thinks it's suicide, so be it.

This is Allah's plan for me.

Oh, my!

I'm not throwing my life away. I'm moving to the prairies.

To run a mosque.

Step away from the bag.

You're not going to paradise today.

Excuse me? What is going on? You have the wrong person.

What? Those are my bags...

I saw them bowing and moaning, just like on CNN.

They're Muslims. They pray five times a day.

You rented the parish hall to a bunch of fanatics?

Don't be paranoid.

Many churches rent space to businesses.

This is simply a pilot project.

- Pilot? They're training pilots? - Calm down, Joe.

There's nothing sinister about Yasir's construction company.

Osama bin Laden ran a construction company too.

I will not eat cucumber sandwiches during Ramadan.

And I will not fill my stomach with lead after a really long day of fasting.

Goat is traditional.

A goat is a bearded garburator.

Just like your husband.

You like my cucumber sandwiches, don't you?

I like all the food my beautiful wife makes.

Yasir, would you please explain to Fatima

that the stove here is not big enough to cook a whole goat in?

And would you tell your wife I don't need a stove?

I will roast it on a spit out front.

Out front. Out front! No, no, no, no.

No, we do not break the fast out front.

Why not?

Too many people. We'll never get the permit.

- No goat. - Yasir, you love goat.

Why don't we break the fast in our basement, as usual?

What's the point of having a new mosque then?

It's just Ramadan. Why are we making a big meal out of it?

Yasir, what do you think? It stands out, yes?

Why do we need a sign? Everybody already knows it's a mosque.

It's beautiful.

You have to leave. Go, everyone, please. I have a customer.

Please. Out.

Looks nice. Is it finished?

Please. Hello!

Hello. So nice of you to come back. How can I help you?

My shingles.

- My roof. - Yes, let's step into my office.

So, what was happening in there earlier?

That?

Impromptu worship.

- Praying for business to pick up. - Yasir!

I have had a brainstorm.

We can use the laundry room to wash and shroud the dead bodies.

What's the charge?

Flying while Muslim?

No, that's not the charge.

I was joking.

Muslims around the world are known for their sense of humor.

I did not know that.

That was another joke.

- Whoosh. - Whoa, whoa.

What is that, some kind of signal?

No, that's 'cause you didn't get the...

You lived for over a year in Afghanistan.

I was volunteering with a development agency.

Why did you leave your father's law firm?

While I was in Egypt, doing my Islamic studies,

I found my true calling.

Explosives?

Yeah, explosives.

Look, I am going to the town of Mercy to work as an imam.

You know, like a priest?

Hold on, I can prove it.

I have the ad that I answered for the job.

You can call the mosque if you like.

If the story doesn't check out, you can deport me to Syria.

Hey. You do not get to choose which country we deport you to.

That...

Could you just call?

All right, Mr. Rashid.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

If this checks out, you are one tiny step closer to getting out of here.

Hello, you've reached Yasir's Construction and Contracting

at our new location.

We'll blow away the competition.

Let's get back to your time in Afghanistan.

This is Fred Tupper, and you're listening to Wake Up, People!

Joe, Reverend Magee claims he rented the church hall to a construction company.

So he claims.

But you know otherwise, huh?

I'm no expert, Fred.

But when you walk into a room and see a mullah with a beard

talking about blowing up Canadian Idol, you've got to figure he's not a roofer.

What's wrong with Canadian Idol?

Well, it's not Canadian Idol they hate, Joe.

No, no, no, it's freedom.

And Canadian Idol.

I just wanted to redo my shingles

like any other average, normal, hardworking Canadian.

Yasir.

Now, a construction company builds things, Joe.

These people destroy.

I heard someone talk about washing the dead people in their laundry room.

But it gets even worse.

Now, apparently Muslim kingpin Yasir Hamoudi's wife, Sarah,

does PR work for the mayor!

Their tentacles are everywhere. Wake up, people!

Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news.

This has got Yasir written all over it. He's up to something.

Call the police.

They'll put you in witness protection.

Ann, Yasir is not a terrorist.

Oh, what? Of course not.

I can't believe you'd think that. Yasir's even a card-carrying conservative.

You're right, it's ridiculous.

Thank you.

Or a really elaborate cover.

I'm... I'm joking.

Nevertheless, you better find out what the hell is going on.

I will get the truth out of him.

I can work with the truth.

- But only as a last resort. - But only as a last resort.

I can't believe you lied to Reverend Magee and to me.

- Darling... - Hi, sweetie.

- Hi. - Hello, beautiful.

Honey, I'm a contractor. Contractors don't lie.

Why didn't you tell him about the mosque?

- Yeah. - Yes, this is a good one.

Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall.

- Would you like to tell Jesus or shall I? - You said nothing.

- That's just great. - Because I thought you'd be angry.

Look, ladies, beautiful women, I called a hundred places.

- No one would rent to a mosque. - There aren't one hundred places in Mercy.

I keep telling you, lies only work when they're half true.

What would work for you, darling?

- Fifty? - No.

- Thirty? - No.

What, 22?

- Yes, 22 is good. - Am I adopted?

Please tell me I'm adopted.

You dragged the whole town into this, including the mayor.

- What will the new imam think of all this? - I have to pick him up at the mosque.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Did you call a hundred imams before you found this guy?

You're both going to love him.

Honest, upright, ex-lawyer.

Okay.

What is your relationship with this mosque?

- Hang on, let me pay first. - I need to ask you a couple questions.

What is your comment on the scandal?

What scandal?

Anything to say on the terrorist allegations?

- The cops had no evidence against me. - Cops?

- Who are you? - I'm Amaar Rashid. I'm the new imam.

It's like a priest or a rabbi, only browner.

- You're denying that you're a terrorist? - What?

- You hired a terrorist? - I did not hire a terrorist.

- Very good-looking one. - Good-looking terrorist.

- Isn't that an oxymoron? - Who are you? Where's Yasir?

Assalamu alaikum. I am Yasir Hamoudi.

And this is my wife, Sarah. My beautiful daughter, Rayyan.

Welcome. Welcome to our little mosque on the prairie.

Yasir, we need to talk.

That message on your machine about blowing people away...

- Yeah. Yeah. - I know. I told him the same thing.

- You've got to change that. - People love the message.

Wait, blowing people away?

- Are you part of a sleeper cell? - Don't answer that.

What is your connection to al-Qaeda?

- What is your connection to journalism? - Show's over. Let's go.

Are you from Saudi Arabia?

No, I'm from Toronto.

Toronto? Even better.

- This story is huge. - Okay.

Come on, let's go. Everybody in the car. Please. Come on.

You know what? My eyes were shut.

Okay, that's a good one.

Throw the bags in the back. Throw them in the back.

- Sarah, please. In the car. - What, I was...

This is awful.

You haven't even tasted it.

No, not your food. This.

How do I prepare for Ramadan when the town's in an uproar?

What were you thinking?

This is that convert Sarah's fault.

Tell me, aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?

You've lost me.

I thought you are supposed to be the big-shot imam.

You don't even look like an imam. You look like a kid.

Can I get a low-fat cappuccino?

We don't make low fat cappuccino.

- Okay, I'll take a regular. - We don't make regular.

You don't make cappuccino?

There is your cappuccino.

What am I doing here?

Who is this Amaar Rashid? What's he really doing here?

- This is Fred Tupper... - Maybe he has your answer.

...Wake Up, People!

It'll all blow over.

- I promise. - You want to fit in with white culture.

That's why you rented a church, isn't it? So you could turn us all into Christians.

You're just upset because you don't get to play imam anymore.

You think I'm too orthodox, that I scared the white folks?

Who got us on the front page of the newspaper?

None other than Mr. Secular Yasir and his hotshot Toronto imam.

If he had the guts to show his face, I...

You were saying?

I was saying that this is a mess.

The church is going to evict us any day.

Let me take a look at the lease.

I used to practice law. Maybe I can find a loophole.

In the meantime, our real problem here is optics.

A lawyer and an eye doctor, very good.

Trust me, I can handle this.

Are you a terrorist?

- No, I'm... - You object to the term?

Of course I do.

- You prefer "mujahideen"? - Yes. No!

I mean, look, Fred, I came here to clear the air.

You're not letting me get a word in.

Oh, please, feel free to give as good as you get.

That's the privilege of living in a country with freedom.

Freedom, to do what? Fan the flames of hatred?

Isn't it Muslim preachers, like yourself, who do that, huh?

I got news for you, Johnny Jihad.

- That's... - Folks here will not let that happen.

You can bet your falafel on that.

I call on Reverend Magee to turf you and your gang

out of the church hall by sundown.

Yasir, this is Reverend Magee again.

We need to talk about this lease.

Sundown? What is this, the Wild West?

You got that right, my little Bedouin buckaroo.

- Okay. - You're not in the big city anymore.

I've noticed.

Doesn't anyone know how to make cappuccino?

- You're saying we're ignorant? - Some of you, yes.

I've never seen so much small-town ignorance in my life.

If he hates it here so much, why doesn't he go back to Toronto?

Yes, a one-way ticket to Toronto.

Amaar Rashid.

Yes, I'll hold.

Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight

without someone having to call their supervisor?

Oh, you poor thing. Racial profiling.

Making it very difficult for you to run away.

- What am I supposed to do? - I don't know.

Let me ask the imam. Oh, wait, he's running away.

Look, I screwed up, okay?

No, it is not okay.

You were supposed to... Well, you were the guy I dreamed about.

Rayyan, that's not really appropriate.

Get over yourself. I dreamed about you for our mosque.

You know, a progressive imam born here in Canada.

I thought you'd drag us into modern world, or at least the 11th century.

Yeah, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer.

Oh. I figured you just sucked at that too.

Hmm.

You can't leave, Amaar.

Not when your congregation is in there right now

having its annual cage match to figure out when to start Ramadan.

I am sorry I'll miss that.

When I was a kid, my parents never fasted. And they're huge.

- The airline hung up on me. - Oh. See?

That's a sign. You get in there and be the imam.

Okay.

Yes.

The crescent of the new moon must be observed with the eye,

just as the Prophet did.

Well, I don't think the Prophet had a telescope from Costco.

Look, we do this every year.

- Now I'm no expert... - Which is clear to us every year.

...But why don't we just log on to moonsighting.com

and let the starvation begin?

Why not do what the Christians do? Pick a month and stick to it?

What's wrong with December?

Shorter days for fasting and way, way better shopping.

Unfortunately for you, Mom, Islam is not based on the shopping cycle.

Ha.

Traditionally, Ramadan begins when the new moon is seen in Saudi Arabia.

The Saudis couldn't find the moon unless there was oil spurting out of it.

We must call Saudi Arabia.

No, no one's calling long distance on my phone.

- Eyes... - Saudi Arabia.

Can I jump in here, please?

After all, I am the imam, right?

Okay, brother Amaar, so what do we do?

Well, in Toronto...

- Forget it. - No, no, no.

Tell us how they do it in Toronto.

Does Ramadan begin when the bell rings at the stock exchange?

You know what? Forget Toronto.

This is Mercy. In this mosque, I decide how Ramadan begins.

Baber, it's time to give up this telescope.

- I'm going to give you a hand. - Good.

We're going with the telescope.

I win.

Oh, you're so lame.

Is the sun ever going to set? We've been waiting here since 8:30.

You are in the middle of the prairies. It's going to take a while.

This could've been such a nice mosque.

We fought too hard. We can't turn back. You have to find a loophole.

Okay, Reverend Magee's coming. You have to do something.

- What? - Sue him.

You can't just sue people for no reason.

Well, all right, you can, but I'm not doing that anymore.

I can't lose my office.

Or the mosque.

- Reverend Magee. - I heard you on the radio the other day.

You sure sounded like a horse's ass.

Thank you.

Oh. I've been trying to give this to Yasir.

I know Yasir misrepresented the community, but...

No, please. Wait, let me finish.

I was hoping you'd let us stay.

Because religious and racial hatred will destroy the world

if men of spirituality, men like ourselves...

Amaar,

with all due respect,

shut up!

I'm not evicting you.

This is a new lease that reflects the true nature of your multipurpose...

Activities.

If you plan to open up a bowling alley, give me a heads-up.

Thanks, but why?

When the Fred Tupper show tells me to do something, I do the opposite.

There was never an issue with your congregation?

Come to my Sunday sermon this week.

I'm lucky if I can fill the first two rows.

May have been God who said, "Let there be light,"

but it's me that pays the electric bill.

Okay, thanks.

In this, the ninth month of the Muslim calendar,

we are asked to examine ourselves with a critical eye.

And if we can't, there's lots of people around to do it for us.

I may not be the best imam in the world,

but I've learned a lot about humility this week.

And I've done a pretty excellent job of it, if I do say so myself.

I always gain weight during Ramadan. I'm starving.

Cucumber sandwiches coming through.

Cucumber sandwiches.

- Hi, Sarah. - Hi, Ann. You want a cucumber sandwich?

Oh.

I thought you, know, a Ramadan meal would be a little more exotic.

Goat curry is ready.

Excuse me.

Whoa. What is that wonderful smell?

It's tradition.

And tradition always smells better.

Mayor Popowicz, I'd like to introduce our new imam, Amaar.

- Pleased to meet you. - Hi.

My first few days in office were no picnic either.

Fred Tupper kept referring to me as the "she-mayor."

- Sorry. - Goat?

Thank you.

- Sarah. - Hi.

You know, when I pictured you coming back to the church,

this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Well, Reverend, you can't win them all.

If you ever change your mind, please let me know.

Because I really miss these little sandwiches.

Oh. I'm so glad. I have hundreds.

Well, Yasir, I hope you've learned that honesty is the best policy.

Of course. Of course. That brings me to your salary.

- I can be flexible. - Good, we don't have much money.

- How much money? - We're broke.

I'm not that flexible.

Well, if you must leave, I'm sure they will understand.

But it seems to me you've become attached to our community.

Why didn't you tell me before I left Toronto about the money?

I'm being honest now.

Yasir, you have to learn the difference between honesty and emotional blackmail.

And who better to teach me than you, brother Amaar?

Who better?