Original subtitles

I'm John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us. Just time for a quick recap

of the week. And as this is our final show of 2021, we thought we'd check in

on the event that started all of it, the January 6th insurrection. That's right.

This year started with that, and against all better judgment, kept going.

And while the human cause of the riots is still very much stonewalling

investigators, this week saw developments regarding some of its rank

-and-file participants.

A Capitol riot suspect on the FBI's most wanted list has turned up now.

In Belarus, the fugitive's name is Evan Newman.

He's from California. Here he is during an interview with state media in

Belarus. Newman claims he's innocent and a victim of political persecution.

Oh, great idea, Evan.

You're worried about political persecution, so you go to Belarus.

a country run by a man who calls himself the last and only dictator in Europe.

You can read all about their free-flowing exchange of ideas in any of

Belarus' publications like Redacted Magazine and All Praise Our Glorious

Leader Who Isn't Bald Quarterly.

Now, other participants in the insurrection have been facing

consequences. The QAnon shaman, a name I still cannot believe I have to say out

loud, is awaiting sentencing after pleading guilty. And then, there is

Jenna Ryan.

a Texas real estate agent who entered the Capitol and later got attention for

tweeting, definitely not going to jail, sorry I have blonde hair, white skin, a

great job, a great future, and I'm not going to jail. Which is, on one hand, a

dangerously brazen tweet, but on the other, a pretty great Real Housewives

catchphrase.

I have blonde hair, white skin, and I'm not going to jail? She's the new Erika

Jayne, and I don't say that lightly.

But to be fair, Jenna Ryan was right. She's not going to jail, because she's

actually going to prison.

Earlier this month, she was sentenced to 60 days behind bars, and this week sat

down with local news to make it absolutely clear she's learned nothing

from this.

Ryan flew with friends on a private plane to the Stop the Steal rally in D

.C. before going back to her hotel.

But while watching news coverage, she decided to go back and posted a video

saying she was going to storm the Capitol.

So I was just like, we're storming the Capitol. And I meant we're storming with

our words and our... We're going down there to tell them, you know. And, you

know, it's free speech.

You know what? We are armed and dangerous!

This is the beginning!

What are you talking about?

Marjorie Taylor-Wanagreen.

Storming with words? That's not a thing. That's never been a thing. If you look

up thing in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure it says, not storming with words.

Jenna also outlined how she's preparing for her 60-day sentence, which is, if

nothing else, on brand.

It's all you can think about. I'm watching all the YouTube videos on how

prison is, how to go to prison, what to do.

All right. I don't know what's weirder there, that she seems so casual, or that

an adult has to go to YouTube to learn how prison is. I'll tell you, it's bad,

Jenna. Really bad.

Also, that is not what YouTube should be used for. YouTube is for watching two

-minute movie trailers, 40-minute explainer videos pointing out all the

Easter eggs you missed in that trailer, and TikTok compilations because you're

too old to learn TikTok, but too desperate to let it pass you by

completely. That... is what YouTube is for. That, and of course, destroying the

world by melting people's brains with utter nonsense.

Speaking of which, in the least surprising move imaginable, Jenna Ryan

launched a podcast on her YouTube channel this week. Here is a clip from

Monday's first episode.

I want you to be able to come to my channel and listen to what I have to say

and be well caught up on alternative news.

I just made that up. That's what I want.

We're in hell.

Look, Ryan... John is not alone in not learning important lessons from January

6th. Take Representative Paul Gosar, who bragged that he helped organize the very

first Stop the Steal rally in Arizona, and tweeted various versions of Stop the

Steal at least 25 times in the run-up to the insurrection.

Gosar is still very much in Congress, and just this week was criticized for

pulling this shit.

A U.S. congressman is under fire today for posting a video which simulates him

killing one of his colleagues.

Republican Paul Gosar from Arizona shared the clip on social media, which

is altered from a popular anime series. In it, a cartoon figure with his face

attacks a figure with the face of Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria

Ocasio-Cortez. It also appears to go after President Biden with swords.

Okay. Clearly, there is a lot going on there, but just in terms of sheer

weirdness, I'm not sure that I can get over the idea that Paul Gosar, this guy,

is in any way familiar with anime.

When I see Paul Gosar, I think a few things. I think arsehole, troll, plucks

and the eagle. Guy who looks like he occasionally Googles, why aren't there

more breakfast soups? But anime fan?

This guy.

Shame on me, I guess, for judging a book by its cover. Please carry on and enjoy

Neon Genesis Evangelion, subs not dubs till the day they put you in the ground.

But look, instead of simply apologizing, Gosar doubled down, tweeting this meme

in response, saying, it's a cartoon, relax.

And look, it is.

Kind of.

Because on one hand, it'd be disingenuous of me to pretend that Gosar

tweeting a poorly edited anime video meant that he was going to physically

attack AOC.

I don't think he's going to do that, not least because if he did, he would lose.

But also, just because something isn't a literal threat...

doesn't mean it can't still inspire real-world harm, because if we've

learned anything from January 6th, and it seems that we have not learned nearly

enough, is that it's very easy for a joke to become reality, and that a

troubling number of people don't seem to understand the difference between

storming the Capitol metaphorically and physically.

And knowing full well that this video might now show up if Jenna Ryan searches

YouTube for what to do in prison after Capitol riots, allow me to take this

opportunity to address her directly.

Jenna.

from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks for watching. Smash that like button. Hit subscribe.

Sound off in the comments with what you want Big Swingin' John to talk about in

a future video. The fun continues in my Instagram story, so check that out. And

as always, new merch in the description.

Namaste. And now, this.

And now, the many questions of Fox & Friends' Brian Kilmeade.

Well, how do diners have 20 pages in their menu?

They can make anything, right?

How do they do that? Why do all newborns have that same blanket?

What great American decided that you needed a bun with a hot dog? Do you

know? What's the difference between SoulCycle and spinning? Do we know? And

why did it hit the iceberg? Do we know? What do bears eat? Do they eat

squirrels? Why are bears always alone?

Do you think the sharks know it's Shark Week? What part of the cow is the skirt?

It makes you question everything. Like, why was it ever the International House

of Pancakes? But how does a baby retire?

What if a tree could just hover? It's spam meat.

What's this called?

Why are turnips so seasonal? Turnips? Do you have turnips more than once a year?

Why don't we have turnips all year round?

Because the pilgrims didn't? We do. We do. You do?

Yeah, sure.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns unions, the institutions that brought us The

Weekend, The Middle Class, and in the case of the International Ladies'

Garment Workers Union, an absolute banger of a song. And before we play

this, I have a favorite singer here. See if they're yours, too.

Look for the union label when you are buying a cold dress of love.

Remember somewhere our union story.

to wonder how many of them are dead now.

And by the way, yes, my favorite singer is the And Run the House Lady.

She's the only one who gets to have a dramatic entrance. Also, she's got a

fabulous mushroom haircut, wide lapels, and the voice of an angel. Every singer

in that song is a star, but she is the brightest in the galaxy.

Now, that ad, if it weren't obvious from every single thing about it, is from the

early 1980s. And unfortunately, since then, union membership has declined

considerably. Today, just over 10% of American workers belong to a union. That

is just... Half the rate it was in 1983, meaning we're currently living in one of

the worst times for organized labor in our country's history.

And it's not like the demand isn't there.

Nearly half of non-union workers say they would like to be in a union, and a

lot of workplaces do seem like a natural fit for one. Take Amazon. You've likely

heard the infamous stories of drivers for the company being forced to pee in

bottles in order to make quotas. Stories that Amazon initially denied, then

apologized for denying, finally admitting that... Yeah, okay, their

drivers do sometimes have to piss in bottles.

It's like the old adage, "'Tis better to seek forgiveness than permission."

Unless this is about piss bottles, in which case, take a look at yourself,

man. What are you even doing?

Mahatma Gandhi.

And yet, despite that and other reports of abysmal working conditions, earlier

this year, an organizing drive for Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer,

Alabama was voted down by more than two to one, which may seem like a clear-cut

case of workers deciding for themselves to reject a union. But the truth is,

it's a lot more complicated than that. Because if you have never been through a

union organizing drive yourself, you might assume that a union vote is a

completely free and fair election.

That is an illusion fed by executives like Jeff Ba... America's least

inspiring astronaut, through statements like this.

We don't believe that we need a union to be an intermediary between us and our

employees. But, of course, at the end of the day, it's always the employee's

choice. And that's how it should be.

Yeah, I don't know about you, but I'm personally not comforted by hearing one

of the richest men on Earth say, it's your choice. No matter the context, all

I can hear is, spear or arrow, how would you prefer to be hunted?

It's your choice.

But it is worth knowing just how many ways Amazon and many other companies try

to influence their employees' choice, because they can exert a huge amount of

pressure. So tonight, let's take a look at union busting. What it is...

how it works, and how few consequences companies face for doing it. And let's

start with a very basic breakdown of how a union drive works.

The first thing to know is that any employer may recognize a union based

solely on majority support. So they can let employees unionize immediately, but

they are not required to do that unless it's been chosen through a secret ballot

vote. So unsurprisingly, that is how most unions end up getting recognized.

And the first key step in union busting...

is preventing things from ever reaching that point. Because for an election to

happen at all, 30% of workers must sign a union card expressing an initial

interest in union representation.

But Amazon, for instance, has instructed its managers to be on high alert for the

slightest sign that that might happen, as this leaked internal video shows.

Wow!

I mean, set aside how completely mask-off it is to treat the phrase

living wage like the first warning sign of a stroke.

You would also think a nearly two trillion dollar company like Amazon

could spring for better animation than JibJab.

But... If enough workers do sign cards, the election process is then underway.

And in that process, companies have some pretty huge advantages. Because,

obviously, when you're on their premises, they have unfettered access to

you, while also having the ability to keep union reps out.

And many companies take full advantage of that access.

Amazon... For instance, inundated workers with anti-union signs all over

their workplace, even putting them inside bathroom stalls.

They also used workers' contact info to send multiple anti-union text messages

to them per day, and held mandatory meetings that seemed designed to spread

fear. They had somebody who was like, they're the captain.

of the union busting, who would come down and teach, like... What was the

official title of the class?

They just called it, like, union training.

That's it. Which is funny, because it's not union training.

It's anti... It's union busting 101.

Right. It's not union training if the explicit goal is to kill the union.

It'd be like taking a dog training class from Cruella de Vil. Although, no, not

the one that's a misunderstood bohemian or whatever. I'm talking about the real

Cruella. Yeah, that one. The original doggie-cidal bad bitch.

Now... These mandatory propaganda sessions are called captive audience

meetings, and most Amazon workers at Bessemer were having to attend at least

two per week, and that is not uncommon.

Nearly 90% of employers facing union campaigns hold captive audience

meetings. Right now, Starbucks is facing a union drive at six of its stores in

Buffalo, and it has been doing everything that you've seen so far,

sending anti-union text messages, putting up signs, and holding captive

audience meetings.

And it may be no coincidence that Amazon... and Starbucks tactics are

pretty similar, because both hired union-busting law firms and consultants

to help them with their campaigns, which is not unusual.

Union-busting is a whole industry.

There are now about 2,000 of these firms, some of which have euphemistic

names, like the Labor Relations Institute.

And 75% of companies facing organizing drives hire one, spending nearly $340

million on them per year.

And these firms offer different levels of services for... companies on a

budget. Some offer mass-produced anti-union videos. You can even buy this

one featuring a cartoonishly overbearing union organizer shot against a green

screen so that you can customize it based on your workplace.

They even produce samples of what that could look like.

Listen, just sign the card. Once a union gets in, you want to be on the good

side.

Listen, just sign the card.

Once a union gets in, you want to be on the good side.

Listen. to sign the card. Once a union gets in, you want to be on the good

side. Well, I'll say this. At least they chose outfits that would fit in any

workplace, because we all know employees in both corporate offices and warehouses

dress like a college football coach whose wife just left him and an

America's Next Top Model contestant before the makeover.

Although... The backdrops could clearly have been more creative there. You've

got a green screen.

The world is your oyster.

Why not show evil unionizers mobilizing on a roller coaster?

Or on a tropical getaway? Or on the desert planet of Arrakis? If you're

gonna force employees to watch your bullshit, at least take them on a cosmic

journey with Sandy Soft Boy Space Jesus.

But whether it is coming directly from a company or through an outside firm, anti

-union campaigns tend to follow a pretty basic playbook. And a go-to tactic is to

highlight that unions collect dues.

It's a point that Delta Airlines made when its employees were considering

unionizing, and they did it in a pretty dickish way.

Delta Airlines causing a lot of turbulence on the ground after it told

employees to buy video games instead of unionizing. One poster, here it is, says

union dues cost around $700 a year and then tells employees to put their money

towards a video game system with the latest hits.

Ooh, the latest hits, you say?

Telling your workers to play video games instead of unionizing is incredibly

condescending, and doubly so when you consider video game characters are the

ultimate example of exploited labor. Think about it. They take orders all

day, usually get paid in coins, and not once in 36 years of playing Mario have I

ever seen him get to take a bathroom break. Not once!

The Mushroom Kingdom has to be absolutely littered with piss bottles at

this point.

And you might say, well... Of course a union collects dues. How else are they

gonna have the resources to fight for their members? But these consulting

firms will insist that unions simply take money and offer nothing in return.

Here is how the Labor Relations Institute puts it in one of its union

-busting videos.

Unions are in trouble.

Their membership is shrinking, which means they're in danger of going out of

business. They send out high pressure salespeople to sell a bill of goods that

most people believe is either of no real value or is highly overpriced.

Okay, so just to be clear, that is a for-profit consulting firm being paid by

a for-profit company arguing that unions are only in it for the money. That is

pretty fantastic.

It's not even the pot calling the kettle black, it's the pot calling the kettle a

pot.

It's like being called a bad first date by Ted Bundy.

Now, LRI consultants have also told employees that joining a union might get

them a contract with less wages and less benefits than they currently have.

But think about how ridiculous that argument is. If companies genuinely

thought unions would negotiate worse terms for their employees,

they'd be welcoming them in with open arms.

Jeff Bezos would have shown up to that interview in a Che Guevara T-shirt if he

thought it would help him pay people less. Because the truth here is,

unionized workers in the private sector have wages about 25% higher than their

non-union counterparts.

That is why companies want to keep unions out. That is why they are willing

to pay LRI $3,000 per consultant per day.

But the anti-union argument isn't just that they are useless.

It's that they'll destroy the beautiful workplace culture that companies have

created. Here is how Target framed it in one of their union busting videos.

If the unions did try to organize target team members, they could also try and

bring along their way of doing business, an old-fashioned rigid structure.

No one knows exactly what could happen, but there are lots of examples of how

rigid grocery store union contracts could hurt our store's ability to serve

guests. Here's what we mean.

Let's say you're working in stationery, but you're walking through domestics on

your way to check on something. A guest stops you and asks for help.

What would you do?

Without even thinking about it, you'd stop and give them any assistance they

required.

But what if union work rules say you can't work outside of your department?

What do you tell the guest?

Sorry, I can't help you? That makes you look bad. But more importantly, it means

our guest doesn't get immediate attention.

And they might not come back.

So everyone gets hurt. Everyone except the union.

I like how they put that last part in black and white so we know it's bad.

We're talking can't open a jar bad.

There's got to be a better way.

But if I could just give the Target executives one quick note.

Have you ever worked retail?

Because if you had, you would know that telling your floor workers they'd be

able to tell a customer, fuck off, this isn't my department, is a pretty good

argument to vote yes on that union.

Honestly, that might be worth it on its own.

Fun side note, those aren't just actors, they're union actors, members of the

Screen Actors Guild.

In fact, that man later actually stressed in an interview that he's very

much pro-union, defending his appearance in the video by saying, if someone hires

me to play a rapist, does it make me a rapist? To which I'd have to respond,

what?

And... I guess not, but... What?

But the most frightening and effective argument companies make against unions

isn't just that they'll keep you from helping customers in other departments,

is that they'll cost you your job.

Now, thankfully, it is against the law.

for companies to threaten workers that if they unionize, their workplace will

close. However, hilariously, it is legal for them to predict that it'll shut

down, which is obviously not a real distinction.

When a loan shark threatens to break your legs, that's not meaningfully

different from a loan shark predicting that legs will be broken as a result of

market forces relating to lack of payment.

And that prediction loophole can let a lot through. For instance, Columbia

Sportswear brought in a consultant who freestyled... to a captive meeting of

workers about what could happen if they unionize.

I've seen the worst of it. It doesn't always end up going so badly, but I

mean, I've seen people, you know, just completely bankrupted. Marriages lost,

homes lost.

Companies closing.

Yeah, sometimes that happens too. I mean, look at Detroit.

I mean, all the auto workers there. I mean, tens of thousands of employees

lost their jobs overnight.

Wow. That is a level of fearmongering rarely seen outside an abstinence-only

sex ed class.

Don't join a union unless you want to end up pregnant, divorced, homeless, and

Detroit.

And it's not just Columbia sportswear.

When workers at a tire company called Kumho tried to unionize a few years

back, 12 different managers issued threats to close the plant if the union

won, which is undeniably scary.

And the thing is, it worked. Because even though 80% of Kumho workers had

initially signed cards supporting unionization, when the vote happened

less than a month later, only 43% voted to organize.

And that is the thing.

threats that a workplace will close are effective despite being overwhelmingly

bullshit. One study found 51% of companies threatened to close plants if

unions won, while just 1%...

actually closed operations after a union victory.

It is the same story again and again and again.

And it can be dispiriting for those who know just how much good a union could do

for their co-workers.

Listen to a woman who tried to organize her Nissan plant talk about how it felt

watching her union drive fall apart.

When we started this, I mean, my whole line was just... They were just, yes.

But when Nissan started bringing in those anti-union videos...

I've seen my co-workers just, the look on their face and this bit, I just can't

do it.

Yeah, and that is heartbreaking.

And frustratingly, even on the rare occasion workers manage to overcome

everything that you have seen tonight and win their election, the fight still

might not be over. As a study found, in a quarter of all successful union

elections, getting a contract can take three years or longer.

And while companies are supposed to bargain in good faith, they can legally

draw things out to a ridiculous degree.

In 2009, some Texas employees at Dish Network voted to unionize. But over a

decade later... they still have no contract.

And think about how long ago 2009 was.

Back then, the kids on Modern Family looked like actual children, and at that

point, none of them were engaged to the bartender from the Bachelor franchise.

In 2009, the question on everyone's lips was, is the guy from Degrassi really

rapping now? Is he really doing that?

And you really want me to transport you back to that time? I've got two words

for you.

Susan Boyle.

Remember how her whole thing was, we didn't expect someone who looked normal

could sing good? The point here is, 2009 was a long time ago, and that is how

ridiculously long the employees of Dish Network have been waiting for a fair

union contract.

And that actually brings us to the final problem here, because far too often, the

consequences for anti-union actions by companies are minimal to none.

For instance, companies aren't supposed to retaliate against workers who

unionize. But it happens all the time.

Take Cynthia Harper, who worked at a factory that made windshields. After she

spoke up in favor of a union, she had a pretty sudden and pretty suspicious

change to her job.

put me on a job that set me up to write me up for performance issues and fired

me.

Okay, that's pretty brazen, isn't it? They took a job clearly for two people

and made her do it on her own. And if you're gonna set her up for failure...

Why stop there? Why not just give her everyone's job? Why not send the entire

factory home with a note saying, relax, everyone, Cynthia's got this.

And the thing is, she was right. Soon after that, she was fired, along with

two other...

pro-union co-workers.

But the consequences for a company doing that are just pathetic.

A company that wrongfully terminates a worker for supporting a union might be

forced to provide back pay, but that on its own is a pretty small price for them

to pay if it helps them crush a union.

And other punishments are even weaker, like the fact that, and this is true, a

company can be ordered to post a notice on the bulletin board in which it admits

that it violated the law, but also, and this is crucial, promises not to do it

again. And come on!

a company should probably face more consequences for illegally union busting

than this dog who clearly likes to hump this cat. And honestly, in both cases, I

doubt the sign is gonna change the underlying problematic behavior.

So it is no wonder that U.S. employers are charged with violating federal law

in over 40% of all union election campaigns, because why wouldn't they?

Even when those charges are proven, the consequences are laughable. One anti

-union consultant has flat out stated, what happens if you violate the law? The

probability is you will never get caught.

If you do get caught, the worst thing that can happen to you is you get a

second election and the employer wins 96% of second elections.

And it's not great that union busting firms are telling companies that, but

it's even worse that it's fucking true.

So... What can we do here? Well, Congress could step in to help rebalance

the playing field. The Protecting the Right to Organize Act, or PRO Act, would

outlaw captive audience meetings and enable successfully unionized workforces

to seek arbitration to settle a first contract, meaning that companies like

Dish can't give them the middle finger for decades.

Also, and perhaps most importantly, it'd put real financial penalties in place to

prevent companies from violating workers' rights without consequence.

But until that law is passed, and it should pass...

One of the most important things for workers to do is to try not to get

disheartened during a campaign, which I know isn't easy.

But union busting is all about killing momentum, splintering unity, and

exhausting workers' spirits. So to the extent that it helps, if you're in a

workplace that's unionizing right now and you're feeling pressured or

personally attacked, remember, the company is almost certainly following a

script and you don't have to play the part that they want you to.

And if by some chance you're a corporate executive who's made it this far into

the show, first, I'm almost impressed that you're still here.

But second, please stop wasting money on these anti-union consulting firms.

Instead, just use this video that we made for you. It's a lot cheaper, and it

says exactly what you really mean.

Hello? Thanks for joining us today and watching this mandatory company video.

You're here because someone may have approached you about unionizing.

Or asked you to sign a union card.

Or simply said the words living wage out loud anywhere on company grounds.

Look, a union may work for a lot of places, but the thing is, here, we're a

family. And you employees are children.

So let's listen in on some worker conversations.

Something we definitely don't do in real life.

Did you know if we brought on a union, it'd be illegal for us to talk to our

bosses anymore?

No way. There's two things I love in this world. Talking directly to my shift

supervisor and helping customers who are in departments I don't work in. Well,

bad news, Bob.

If the union came in, you couldn't do that. Yeah, if a customer who's outside

of your department asks you a question, you're legally required to tell them to

go fuck themselves.

And if they ask you a follow-up question, you'd have to slap them with

an open hand.

So everyone gets hurt. Everyone except the union.

Wait, how could the union possibly benefit from... We don't think a union

is right for our workplace.

But ultimately, the choice is always up to our employees.

We promise no one will be fired for wanting to unionize.

Although there is a chance you might be fired for poor attendance.

A pretty good chance, actually. But you won't be fired explicitly for the union

thing. That's how we do it.

For the next few weeks, you might notice a few extra posters around the

workplace. In break rooms, stock rooms, bathrooms.

Or glued to the back of a co-worker. You already went to the bathroom, Ted.

These are just there to tell you things. Like how expensive union dues are.

$700?

Think of what else you could buy with that.

Like a Nintendo Wii with all the latest hits.

Or, uh... I don't know. What else do poor people like?

Um... Poor people, poor people, poor people.

I know I've seen poor people.

Uh... Duh. Drugs.

Buy and eat drugs.

Did you know when a union enters a negotiation, our wages could go up or

they could go down?

Wait, our wages could go up? But they could go down.

Realistically, they'll go up. But they could go down. Yeah, but without a

union, what's stopping them from going down now? But they could go down. Right.

Just technically speaking... Hey, I want to talk to you about your attendance.

Just remember, when it comes to unions, the choice is yours.

When it comes to watching videos like this about unions, the choice is very

much ours.

Did I say stop waving?

Moving on.

Finally tonight, this is actually our last show of the season, and it has been

a tricky year.

We began it still stuck in the void before finally managing to move into

this studio in September.

And despite the fact that we've been having to operate under tight COVID

restrictions, we have still managed to have some fun.

We infiltrated local news broadcasts to sell a vaginal healing blanket.

We sold 10,000 teddy bears to annoy a Belarusian strongman. We entered a duck

stamp contest, and were absolutely fucking robbed on that, by the way.

the Medicare sharing ministry. We forced a Minnesota car dealership to produce

the finest local car ad the world has ever seen. George Clooney appeared on

the show every time I snapped my fingers.

And we almost welcomed a vaccine cicada into our family of mascots, which would

have been the single dumbest thing we have ever done.

We actually invited the vaccine cicada to the final show tonight in a make it

or break it situation.

If he could do a dance in all the right ways, maybe he deserved to be here. But

then we realized... He deserves shit.

He's a dollar store beetle in a crop top, so we sent him a text telling him

that the gig's off, but he probably can't even hold a phone in his, what are

those, pinchers?

Idiot. Look, the point is, it was definitely a strange year, and despite

being back in the studio, the fact is...

I still haven't seen most of my staff since March of 2020.

And though I am definitely looking forward to next year, there is no

question that it has been difficult spending so much of this one in

isolation. The truth is, it does sometimes get me down a bit. But you

know what?

I think I actually might know someone who could help me feel a little bit

better.

Hey, John, what's up?

Hey, George.

You know, I was just thinking about all the things that I wanted to do this year

but haven't been able to, and all the people that I wanted to see but

couldn't, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Feeling down, huh? Yeah.

You could say it's an intolerable cruelty.

So what kind of a reaction do you want from me on that?

Oh, to be honest.

Anyway, I was hoping that you might be able to cheer me up a bit.

Yeah. You know...

I'm not supposed to do this, but you seem more pathetic than usual.

Yeah, that's harsh, but also fair.

For the next few minutes, I'm going to give you the power to summon any

celebrity with that snap.

Really? George, that is absolutely fantastic news. Thank you so much. I

promise I will not misuse this power.

Yes, you will. But the beauty is you only have a few minutes, so go.

I mean, this is great. This is so exciting. I feel slightly better

already, but look, let's not waste any time on this. Let's see who we get

first.

Oh, wow!

Jennifer Coolidge!

Jennifer, hi!

Well, look! Yeah? It's Jimmy Kimmel! Oh, no, it's not. It's John.

My name's John.

Oh, Jimmy, I love your show.

Thanks. Do you want me to do a mean tweet?

Yeah, that's a different show, Jennifer.

Is Questlove there?

That's a different Jimmy.

Oh!

Wait, are you the British one?

Yes, that's me. I'm British. I'm the British one. Yeah, that's me.

Do you want me to get in the car and sing?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, hey, Will. How you doing?

Oh, hey, John. What now?

I mean, I've got a really funny story for you, Will. Uh-huh. Yeah, George

Clooney gave me the power to summon any celebrity that I want with a snap of a

finger. Oh, he did that again?

He gives that power away to anyone. Last week, I got summoned by a guy who sold

Clooney a pack of Trident.

Oh, I mean, that makes me feel significantly less special.

Oh, Rude Paul!

Hey, Rude! I'm sorry, my dear, but it's time for you to sashay.

Yeah, no, I'm not a contestant on your show. It's me. It's John Oliver. Hey.

Oh, gosh.

I thought it was one of the queens dressed up as a marionette doll.

No, just me and my actual human body.

Cute.

I mean, that was fun. That was definitely fun, but I guess there is no

point in stopping if we've still got time. Let's see who else we can get.

Holy shit, Cardi B.

Hi. Hi, Cardi.

Hey. Who said that?

I'm John.

Alexa? No, not Alexa. Alexa?

No, not Alexa. I'm John Oliver Carty. It's lovely to meet you. I never thought

we'd get to speak to you. Alexa? No, not Alexa. No. If you are. Forget it.

Surprise!

Listen, your little brother Billy reached out to me and told me that it

is your birthday. This is freaking huge.

That's what she said. Brian.

Brian. Sorry.

Brian. Holy shit.

Yeah. No, no, no. The cameos never talk back. Yeah, Brian, I think there's been

a misunderstanding. I didn't actually order a cameo from you. I just snapped

my fingers, and now we're talking, so I just wanted... Listen, John, if this

isn't a cameo, just get the fuck out of my phone.

Okay.

Kevin from the office does not mess around.

All right, one more push.

Here goes.

Oh, Cardi, it's me again. Sorry.

I'm sorry, Cardi. Seriously?

Alexa, stop.

Yeah, yeah.

Alexa, stop. Nothing to stop here. Check the device. I got it. Don't worry.

Oh, Boyd!

Boyd, great to see you.

Oh, hey, John. Decent to see you as well. I can't really talk at the moment.

I'm hosting my own talk show now. Really? Yeah, kind of busy. Oh, that's

great. Yeah, apparently HBO Max, you know, liked the vibe of this space, and

they just thought it would be better suited for a comedy show.

And not what you were doing. Yeah, I get it. You're being mean to me.

Oh, thank goodness. Leslie, I'm so glad it's you. Nah.

Uh-uh. What do you mean, no?

What are you talking about, no?

Hey, it's John.

Leslie. I don't want this. I don't want to be part of this. I don't... Alakazam.

Part of what? They're just talking. I'll get rid of you. Go away.

Don't clap me away.

It's not even a clap, is it? It's a snap. Go away.

Go away.

Snap your fingers. Alakazam.

Just snap your finger. The white man won't leave. The white man won't leave.

I will. I will. I will leave. I'll leave.

Time's up. How was it, John?

I mean, people were pretty relentlessly mean to me, George, but honestly, it was

kind of great.

I knew it would be. Remember, just because this year didn't work out like

you thought it would, that doesn't mean that shamelessly bringing in celebrities

for the finale wouldn't cheer you up. Of course.

Because... Yep.

Say it with me.

Celebrities make everything better except in the many situations where they

do not.

That's right.

Hey, John. What?

Good night and good luck.

I mean, that's it. I do feel 20% better now, at least.

Anyway, thank you so much for watching our show this year. We all really,

really appreciate it. We'll see you next year. Please stay safe until then. Good

night.

Do you want me to get in the car and sing?

I'm a smooth operator.

I'm a smooth operator.

Thank you. You ain't no Hollabacka.

You ain't no Hollabacka. You ain't no... Thank you.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to White Void tonight. I'm the Void. Let's dive

straight in with the key question of the week. What went wrong with Space Jam 2?

People think the main flaw was LeBron's acting, but I think the key issue was

its fundamental misunderstanding of Bugs Bunny as a character.

I mean, the climax involves Bugs Bunny learning a lesson.

Bugs Bunny doesn't learn lessons.

Let those fucking nerds at Pixar learn lessons.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Is your entire show breaking down your problems with Space Jam 2?

No, this is just the fun bit at the top of the show, John. There's also a main

story coming up. Oh, right. It just seems like a weird way to start a show

is all, right? Excuse me? Yeah.

You're the one who does 20-minute monologues about factory farming, so

maybe take a look at yourself.

Hey!

Fair enough. All right, well, carry on.

If you don't mind.

Oh, you want me to... Go ahead, go. Okay, all right. Have a good show.

Bye. I'm leaving. Sorry about that, folks. Anyway, our main story tonight

concerns jet fuel. Oh, no.

Specifically... Don't. ...the fact that it can't... Don't you do it. ...melt...

Void. ...steel beams... Nope. ...because 9-11 was an inside job...